I AM A BOUREN

Yesterday I felt so intense. Something very big wanted to come out and be realised. So I allowed this intensity to be and this morning it saw clearly what it was. I am ready to realise a big wound in my family line.

Ever since I was born, I have felt like I was a burden to my mom. Not only because I was born, but also because I almost died in birth. Double burden! I was born in a hard life situation and the worry of me surviving, was a huge thing for my mom. And since I felt like I am a burden, I started to feel guilty about it. I felt like everything was my fault. So I started to make myself small because of this (but this is a different story). 

But this is not only my wound. My mom was a burden to her mom and her mom to hers and so on. So this "being a burden" goes a long way. Now I have the inner strength to heal this big wound that has been going on generation after generation.

I feel that all of us have felt like we are a burden to someone at some point in our lives. If we were too loud, if we were this or did that, we got beaten up or punnished.

Because of this wound, we learned how to be quiet, maybe lie, behave nicely, not causing any hussle. Because of this, we became small, tasteless, invisible, even sheeps. Or then we became egoistic, loud and selfcentered. Our selfesteem and selfvalue got broken and this is why we need outside validations like likes in FB or compliments.

This wound has everything to do with our throat chakra (speaking your truth), with our own inner power and with our own inner truth. 

So this "being a burden", is a big collective wound that is now being released. 

In a personal level, as I am getting ready to leave to my second home in Africa, I am facing this wound once again. I thought that I have already healed it, but no. There are still "left overs" in my subconcious mind that I was not aware of. Now they are coming to the surface to be released.

As I am packing and selling my stuff I have felt such a burden to the people around me. If I ask for help, I feel that I am this huge burden to them. And after I feel guilty. I need a space to my little stuffs and as I have been trying to find a space where to put my boxes, I feel like I am a huge burden since I am bothering people like this. And of cause, I have felt guilty because of this. My partner has to pick me up from Senegal and after, I felt like a huge burden once again. And.... yes, guilty for bothering him this way.

I also see that people get irritated because of my life choises. At first, I felt very guilty. Like a burden. But now I understand that what ever they are going through emotionally, it is non of my business. Maybe it is that their safetynet has been shaken by my life choises and it makes them question their own lives. Maybe they want to say no, when I ask for help, but are too shy to say it. What ever it is, it is non of my business. I have to allow people to feel what they are feeling. The most important thing for me, is to release this huge belief of being a burden to people.

"Love", says Victoria (my higher self). "Remember that this is not only personal. In the collective here in Finland and maybe even around the globe, there is this belief that you are weak, if you ask for help. Or that you own something to the person who helps you. So not only are you healing your own family line, but also the collective."

Wau, I didn't think about this, but it is true. I am healing a big wound over all!

"Isn't it so, that if your daughter needs help, you want her to learn how to ask it without feeling guilty or feeling like she owns something to the one who is helping?" asks Victoria.

For sure! I want her to feel free when it comes to asking for help. There is nothing wrong in asking for help.

"So you see, as you heal this wound in your family line, you are healing this in her too", says Victoria.

"Isn't it so, that you are not expecting anything from the people who you ask help for? Or are you", she asks.

No, I don't. If they can not help me, it is okey. I don't get mad or angry or bitter. This is my life and I have to deal with it, no matter how it goes. If I get help, I am gratefull for it, but if not, I will figure something else out. I don't want people in my life to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do.

"And this is how you release everybody", says Victoria. "By not expecting anything. You can never be a burden by asking. You only become a burden, if you have an expectation of the answer they give you. But just by asking, you actually teach them that it is okey to ask. It is okey to get help, this is why there are other people around us. But at the same time, when you don't have expectations, you give them the freedom to do what they feel is right for them in that moment. As you are free to answer as you feel and you allow this to you, you free others to do the same too."

This sounds great! I have realised that I am totally okey with my life choises. I live so not like others. I live through my heart. What ever it tells me to do, I will do it. Even if it doesn't make sence to me. I know that Victoria knows what we are supposed to do at each moment and she can see the bigger picture better than me or Roger (my ego). I am not attached into anything or anyone. I don't need safetynets like monthly salary or stuff. This might shake up peoples lives. And so they get irritated. But this has nothing to do with me. It is peoples responsibility to learn to say no, if they feel like saying no. It is their responsibility to deal with their emotions, but it has nothing to do with me.

I am here to live my life the way I feel is fit to me. Who ever wants to follow, they can and who doesn't, they don't have to. But I want to feel free to ask and allow them the space to choose. As I allow it to myself too. 

"This is huge wisdom you have, my love", says Victoria. "I hope that you could understand how brave you are by living this way."

I start to see it yes, and I am more then ready to heal this wound. It is time to let it go. I can never be a burden to anyone and I don't want others to feel that they would be a burden to me eather. 

So I keep on packing and selling my stuff once again and I allow this wound to be present as long as it needs to. I can not release or heal anything, that I am not aware of. And this is something that I am now very aware of. I understand now that by asking others for help, I am teaching them that it is okey to ask for help. We are all in this journey called life together and one of our missions is to help others. Sincerely. Without feeling like a burden or feeling guilty. Or feeling like I own something to someone who is helping. 

Uh, this was a big theme for this 11.11. day! But I am so happy that this is coming out now, because I know that every time something big is released, after I feel so much more in my power, in my center and in my truth. I allow myself to feel what I feel and allow others to do the same. 

No one is a burden. No one. Not even me!

DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE

I went to Facebook yesterday morning and after I felt somehow.... I don't know, angry? The energy of Facebook is so unauthentic and I feel like the whole world is like this at the moment. Something is cooking under the surface and I can see this image in my head. It is like a big wave that is pulling back, before it hits the shore with full power. There is this weird feeling of quietness going on. Just like before the huge wave hits the beach, everything gets quiet and still. Energetically I mean.

Sometimes I feel this energy of resistance in every cell of my body. Nothing in this very moment, outside that is, is not aligned with who I am. There are only a few people that I feel comfortable at this time, so I wanted to gather my crew to talk about this. And about this energetic wave that is about to hit the earth. 

"How do you feel"? Victoria (my higher self) asks.

Well, I feel these energies are sometimes tough on me, because of the resistance of collective. When they don't want to face their traumas and fears, I feel it and and this is not easy. Not only am I clearing my own shit, but the collective shit is also running through me. Sometimes, specially when the day is intence, I feel very angry, because it seems so unfare.

"But then this is how you feel and it is okey. Allow it to be this way", says Victoria. "There is nothing wrong with this and it doesn't change anything. You are allowed to feel what ever you feel. Being authentic is to be real and this includes everything. We also have to bless our darkness and learn to love this side of us too."

I know this and this is why I don't fight against this. And actually, now it is time to let go of others for good. And collective too! With this I mean, that it is time to start to concentrate fully on my own energies and my journey and leave everything else outside. This means that I am here if people need me, but otherwise, I will concentrate on me. So I am connected, but totally detached. 

I feel it is time for me to practise the trust of your guidance Victoria. I have been looking at the astrological aspescts and some videos from y-tube, but now I understand that it is time to stand with my own two feet and leave all the outside noice. I only want to hear Victoria's voice, learn to listen to my intuition 100 % and learn not to ask outside validation to everything I create. I am learning to trust myself fully and myself only. And my crew of cause! 

"I am so very happy to hear this!", says Victoria and claps her hands. "We have all the info that we need and we can only live through our truth. This is a perfect time to step into this energy. This also allows the creative energy to flow in, because nothing outside is not giving you ideas or thoughts on how and what you should create. Now all the gates are open and we can start to create in our unique way. I am so happy about this!", she gigles. 

Even Roger (my ego) is quiet now. Even he feels overwhealmed at the moment. He tries to create stories around this energy, like fears about money and loosing all the people in our lives, but at the same time, he knows, that being in our own energy at the moment is the best thing to do. Could it be that even he is ready to fly?!?! 

"I still have my fears about your safety, but at the same time, I am getting excited. Even me I feel that something is coming towards us. I will try my level best not to create that many problems", he says. 

Me and Victoria take his hand and for a while, we sit in silence. Then I ask Victoria:

Why are people so closed up?! Why are they so affraid to open up and open their hearts?

"Love, as you know, before you were the same", says Victoria. "Loving someone and being vulnerable hasn't been safe, because in the old days, you got hurt, if you were. People used your vulnerability against you and hurt you this way. This was, because the ones who hurt you, were hurting inside too. Thank god you have healed your wounds and this is why you can be so open and authentic. And now you know with who you can be this way. When it is safe and when not."

"But the rest of the world are still in a process of doing this. Some of the souls can never do the healing in this life time and this means, they are coming back in another life to continue this process. It is okey to protect yourself at this time. This doesn't make you loose anything or miss anything. What ever is meant for you, will find you when the time is right. No need to fear. So be vulnerable. Keep yourself open. Open your heart space even more! This is your gift to this collective and eventually, the souls that are meant to follow, will."

I feel like I have been in my cocoon for so long and there is no end in sight. And my soul wants to come out and play already!

"Love, my advice to you right now, is to keep your energy protected", says Victoria. Stay home. Stay in your center. Stay in your power. You got this! This is why you came here and even though, right now, it is tough on you, this too shall pass. You will know very soon why you you were required to do this and go so deep. Don't worry about anyone else, but you", she says. 

What is this energetic wave I am feeling, I ask Victoria.

"Something big is cooking underneath the surface. Corona Virus was the first wave and very soon is time for the second energetic wave. At this point, I can not say more about this. Only that you are right, it is coming, but trutfully, no one knows how it is going to play out in this collective. All I know is that it will shaken the foundations of many, again. Oh, if I could give one advice to humans, I would say, please please deal with your inner world now, volunteerly. This would make this so much easier for them, so we wouldn't always have to go through the hard way."

"But this is something every soul chose and as I said before, this is not our business", she continues.

This is quite true and for me, I feel, this is going to be a good thing. I feel like this wave is going to align the energies a lot. I am getting excited! 

One more thing that I want to talk about is that I realized that as I came back to Finland and to these old surroundings, my inner light is getting smaller and smaller. I was so free and happy when I got here, but it seems like bit by bit, I am also turning to be gray and boring. I have to be very conscious about this. It is so easy to fall into old way of being. Into the old roles and expectations. But deep inside of me I know that it was meant to be like this, so that I am able to see the barriers that I create to myself. I make myself small and go back to these roles, because it is easier for others. This is how they remember me and this version of me is something, they can handle. 

"Open yourself honey! Set yourself free!" says Victoria. "You don't need to do this at all. Who ever can not handle you, it is time to let them go. Maybe when the energy is more aligned, they will come back. And if not, then some others, new people, will. There is nothing to worry about. Let yourself fly even if it is in your own home at the moment. Create your fairy tales and tap into this child like energy, because this is who you are! It is already time for you to understand that you are a diamond and you are supposed to shine! If to no one else, then to you. Focus only on you and your creative process. This is all you have to think about."

This is so true. It is time for me to start to be who I am, fully. Not pleasing anyone by not saying what is in my heart or sharing my wisdom to people, who don't appriciate it at all. 

"Actually love, where you come from, there is no language as you know. There is only energy. This is your language. This is why you feel everything so very deep. You know and sence things that others don't. Be proud of this. This is a unique tallent and words are not always needed. Only your presence is enough", says Victoria. "Let go and allow people to come to you when they are ready."

Yes, this is it. Even though I miss people and I miss action, at the moment there is nothing I can change or do when it comes to the outside world. Updating this blog and creating the group to Facebook, opened this huge portal to my creativity. So even if nothing comes out of this blog or group, it was meant to be. Nothing happens by change. Absolutely nothing. No action and not one singe word. All is meant to be.

I want to create fairy tales. I see myself as this cartoon character whose adventures are about to start. So now it is time to allow this creative energy to just flow and when the story is ready to come out, it will. Like song writing. When the song is ready to come out, it will. But not one minute before. 

So I keep taping into my own power center more and more and leave other people journeys to them. I want to hold this child like joy and creativity close to my heart and this means that my heart center has to be kept open. 

"We love this", Victoria and Roger shout! "Keep on going honey, you are doing a great job!"

Let the little Saija's adventures begin! Me I am creating a new world to myself and it feels very empowering to say "fuck it" and just do me. 

BE THE GODDESS

So it is, that the days and weeks in my second home in Africa, turned into months. Life was simple and nice. No planning, just going with the flow and being present in every moment. I loved it and sometimes hated it, but that's the way it goes! I never knew where I end up when I leave the house and for how long. I was and I am practicing "the new me". Now I have been back in Finland for a couple of months and I have loved the fresh air and our nature. Here is so pure and beautiful. 

I gather my crew today, because I want to talk about learning this new way of being. Roger (my ego) doesn't always agree with the rest of us, but it is okey. We are used to it and we don't allow him to disturb us that much. It is amazing to see how fast things that used to take days or weeks, now pass by within hours. I used to got caught up with Roger's arguments for too long, now it is not possible. Victoria (my higher self) is in charge!

Today I want to talk about self love. Being a goddess. Being the diamond I came here to be. I have noticed, that I have still expected people outside of me, to give me compliments and feedback. I have expected them to tell me that I am beautiful and that I am worthy. I have put huge expectations to the shoulders of others on how they should love me. And if they don't act the way I think they should, they actually don't love me. These are the games that Roger keeps on playing. He is always looking outside for validation and he is measuring the amount of love we get. Or don't.

I honestly thought that I have already cleansed all of these things. I though that I truly love myself unconditionally and yes, in some ways I do. But I need to have a chat with Victoria and have a chat about this with her. Why do I still look for validation outside?

"This is where your mirrors lie. When you look outside of you and you don't "get what you want", it is just a beautiful compass to your inside world. You will not "get what you want" from outside, until it is fully integrated inside", says Victoria. 

I sit with this for a while. So what does this mean, can you explain a little bit more?

"I bet, you have heard million times a quote "you create your own reality". But do you really understand this fully?" she asks.

Well, some part of me understands it, but some part is confused. For example, I don't ask for dark nights of the soul, but they come. Just like that, out of the blue! This is not the reality I want to create for sure! So when these days hit me, it is very hard to think positive or see the light at the end of a tunnel. Sometimes these days knock me to my knees and I feel like "fuck it". So is this what I create then?! 

"This is different love", says Victoria. "This is cleansing. You are just cleansing old beliefs and fears when this happens. When this process is on, there is no need to think about anything else, then just allow that to be and feel what you are feeling. If you feel down and upset, then it is so. This has nothing to do with creating your reality, but everything to do with being authentic and real."

"These dark days, are actually days, where I am in charge", says Roger. "Honey, I just want to keep you safe, so I honestly play all the trick that I can". 

We all start to laugh, because this is so true! Even if me and Victoria just want to relax, because we know the drill and we just want to feel the intensity and let it flow, Roger puts up a good play! He will create stories as much as he can, for sure, and one of them are these expectations from others.

"But, then we come to those days where the energy is cool, light, creative and nice. During those days, I believe, that you are feeling much more better and more like you. Those are the days where you can think of what is it that you do want to create in your life. Then the energy is aligned with your soul - with me! And I always know what is best for us! These days our creation is more about allowing ideas and thoughts to come to us, instead of forcing them. When Roger doesn't want things and validations, like tittles, anymore, it is easier to just be in the moment and allow everything to unfold naturally."

We all agree, that when the energies are lighter, Roger doesn't create drama that much anymore and this definitely is easier for all of us.

But back to this self love and outside validation. 

"As long as you don't believe that you are a diamond. That you are not worthy of all the abundance of the world, the outside world answers to that energy. You don't ever have to ask for no one to bring you flowers when you are fully aligned with your inner goddess. With unconditional love towards yourself. You will buy those flowers to yourself first and enjoy them fully, with all your heart! And then, maybe, to your surprise, someone will come to you with arms full of flowers", Victoria explains. 

"When you put expectations into others, you actually push them away. You give them an energetic pressure and this makes them feel like no matter what they do, they can not do it right. So basically you send them a message that they are not good enough, they are failing in loving you (themselves) and that their presence in your life is unsatisfying. And I don't think that this is a message any of us want to give to anybody!"

Uuu, this is so true! My god! I have felt the pressure of expectations, so I know how it feels and still, I have been doing it! Well, all I can do is to forgive myself and learn! Get conscious about my actions. 

"Love yourself!" Victoria shouts with a huge smile in her face. "Love as much as you can and use other people as a mirror to this self love! Give them love unconditionally, give them compliments, lift them up and hug them. Be the acceptance you want from others. The more love, acceptance and compliments you are able to give outside of yourself, the more love you are giving to yourself. Remember, you can only give and show love to others, as much as you can give it to yourself. And eventually, you will get all of that love back to you. Without asking for it or putting any expectations towards anyone. It will flow into your life freely and authenticly."

I love this! I can see that I haven't been ready to this, because I am used to get hurt when being open and sharing love to people. But now I don't care! Do me wrong... Well, I might not want to hang around you, but I surely will send you lots of love and keep on wishing all the best for you. And when it comes to the people around me, I still have work to do in order for me to learn to be more open and willing to express my love for them. 

"All you need is the willingness", says Victoria. "As long as you are willing, the Universe will step up behind you and help you. It will bring you situations and people where you can practice this in action. And you will learn this. I know you will and you can do this. Until you see it, you can not change it. But when it comes to your awareness, then the doors for changing old habits and beliefs are open". 

I love this! And I am willing to learn. After all, this is why we are all here. To love ourselves fully and it can only happen through different events and people in our lives. All I need to know right now is, that I am willing and I am okey with this. 

I am a goddess. I am a diamond. I am unique and worthy. And perfect enough. 

NOTHING TO SHARE

Lately I have been wondering why is it, that I don't have nothing to share anymore? I feel like all my creativity, my words, my tallents, my connection to my guides and to my inner wisdom is gone! I want to write (yes!), because I love it. I used to shared a lot. I mean A LOT! I had different groups in Facebook. I have an Instagram account and I had a blog before this one. I created this blog so that I can keep on writing and creating. But it seems, that nothing wants to flow out. Nothing. Total silence.

I am used to share. Not only through my writing, but also talking. I have been very "blue eyed" when it comes to people and I have shared my life openly when ever and to whom ever. This includes sosial media. This has caused me a lot of joy, but a lot of pain too. Now, for the first time in my life, I don't have nothing to say. No words to share, no words to write. I am very careful with who I share and what. It feels like my openness is gone! Oh, I need my crew!

"What is going on Victoria (my higher self)?", I ask.

"What if for once I don't give you answers, but you tell me. Why do you think this is so? I know you know what is going on", she giggles.

That is true. As I sit with this for a while, for sure, information starts to flow in.

First of all, for me sharing was cleansing. Do you know the feeling when you have been eaten something bad and you have to throw up. This is what sharing did to me. It was like I was throwing up my old beliefs and fears. And as I shared my thoughts, I was realising a lot of old shit. Things got more clear in my head. The best thing is that when I am sharing my thoughts with a loving person, we always get so much both ways. So yes, cleansing was one part of it.

Second, I needed to share myself so openly, because only through that, I was able to get other people's comments. Why did I need this? Because there was so much old beliefs and fears, old programming in me. So why did I need others? Well, through their reactions I was able to reflect those beliefs and fears. These comments were just a mirrow to my old programming.

"Can you give an example love?", says Victoria.

Well, let's say, that after seeing a comment, I felt guilty. So I needed to sit with this and see from where this feeling is coming from. And I have to say, that always, I mean always, all the roads they lead to my childhood. There are so many things we observe even as babies already, that it is amazing! After becoming aware of why I felt guilty, I just had to "work with it". Sit with it, allow that feeling to be seen and felt and then forgive and let go of it.

So I needed to share my cleansing journey, because I needed mirrows to my old programming. Cool!

Third point is the fact, that I needed to be seen. Not by others, but by me. Fully. For me, this happened through sharing. The more openly and authenticly I was able to share, the better. Nothing to hide! The more openly I shared, the more I became visible to me. The weird thing is, that the more I became visible to me, the less I felt the need to share!

So here I am. Thinking of all the wisdom that I got out of my cleansing journey and now, I just don't feel like sharing anything. I am more careful of to whom I share my life and when and where. I feel like I am an empty canvas with nothing to say. I have lost all my interest to others at this point. I just don't care that much what people do in their lives. Let them live it as they feel fit to them. No need to change anyone or anything. No need to preach about the invironment or about the importance of ones inner work. I just don't care. At this point, I care about me. How to make my life more fun? Waiting for new places and people to enter. I am fully concentrated on me.

"Oh love, I am so happy to hear this", says Victoria. "You don't need to worry about sharing at all! This is normal process! You are not the same person you were. And you are learning about you every day. Why would you have to share anything at this point? You have "burned away" the old programming and learning to be this new person, in this new way. How beautiful is this?" I have to agree.

"Your wisdom has not disappeared. It is there. And you will share again, when the time is right. There is no rush. And maybe you will find other ways of sharing too, you never know! Everything is changing so rapidly, that we just have to be and see", Victoria continues. "You just love yourself enough now to understand, that you don't need others approval on how to live your life. You love yourself enough now to have boundaries with who you want to share your deepest feelings with. This is the inner wisdom. Trust the flow of your life. There is nothing wrong to enjoy this privacy, that you haven't experienced before. You are allowed to be quiet. You are allowed to pull away from sosial media. You don't have to share anything with anyone, if you don't want to", Victoria says.

This feels good to me. I had this pressure of sharing, because I had this (yet another) belief, that I was here for a mission. To change the humanity by sharing my life and writings. And maybe it is so. But for now, I am not there.

So I take this pressure out of my shoulders and continue my private being. It is okey to get to know me. This new me. By myself. It is okey, not to care about the outside world for a while. It is okey to pull out from sosial activities and sosial media. And of cause I share. I share every day, but now I am more aware of to who I want to share and what. I don't need mirrows to my old programming anymore. Now I want mirrows of my self love. And I know very well who these people are. And to them, yes, I share!

I also have been a trigger for many people for a long time just by living my life. When I posted something on Facebook, someone or many got triggered. Some left, some took distance. And this is a very normal reaction when you have not cleared your inner fears yet. It is very normal reaction when you don't take full responsibility of your own inner process. Now, I just don't need these kinds of mirrows either anymore. Now it is time to give myself a break and allow myself to be surrounded with people, who take responsibility of their own processes instead putting their shit on me. I am done with this for a while. As much as I need a break from sosial media, I also need this.

 I am quite enjoying this new me and this new privacy. And now the motive behind this is only self love. Meaning that I am not sharing because I am scared of being open, authentic or being seen by others. When and if the time comes for sharing, I don't have any problem with it. But for now, I dedicate this time for me and my privacy and this feels very good!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

NEW LIFE, NEW REALITY

So here we are. In a new adventure. I came to Africa almost a month ago. As I told in my last post, Roger (my ego) was really resisting this. But now as we are here, he is more calm and addapting to our situation very well. He is still trying to come up with the old statements, but me and Victoria (my higher self) are handlening them quite well. We allow him to talk, but we are not paying that much attention to them.

For the first weeks here, I felt like a turist. I was living in a turist area and hanging around places and people I have known for years. I knew this before coming. I knew that I needed to go through some old shit, as I had done in Finland. And so I was not surpriced about the events that were going on. Some people left, some stayed. Some situations were the ones I wanted to pull myself away from. I met old people from my past and I met some new ones. I had this inner knowing (Victoria's wispers), that it was meant to be like this. At the same time I also knew, that something new wants to enter.

I was dancing and laughing a lot. Very quickly my body started to shape back to normal. I enjoyed the sosial activity around me after being so isolated and alone in Finland. If I needed "me time", I took it, but if I wanted company, it was always around. I absolutely loved it! No time to think too much for once!

I did my yoga in the small space I was having or I went to the beach to train. I visited nice places with good food, nice talks and with good company. I loved my turist life!

Then we started to hear these news about the virus. Game changer!

What I did not expect was the panic and the change that this virus was bringing along. I hear that in Europe the situation is quite hard, but at least for now, things here in Africa, are quite calm. I wanted to ask Victoria about this virus. It seems, that even Roger can not get into this panic mode even though the news are full of this virus.

"Love, this virus is meant to be. The earth can not take the actions of humans anymore. She is tired of the way people are treating her. And each other. Only by stopping everything fully, humans are able to stop running away from things they need to face in their life's. How we treat each other, how money has been running the world for too long, how big is the cap between poor and rich and so on. This is a huge wake up call for the whole humanity! The selfishness has gone too far. It is just time to stop and reflect. This is how the Universe works. It is like she is the mother who is watching her children playing and she does have patience as a parent. She has given her children multitable changes to learn and do thing differently, but unfortunately, her children were not able to do this on their own. So tough love was needed. Boundaries. Stillness", says Victoria.

"But it feels like it is a punishment", I say.

"Oh no, not at all! This is like parenting any child. There must be some boundaries always. How else can we learn to respect others, to consider others and so on. This is not for sure a punishment, but a lesson. Like in school. Let's say that you want to learn a new language. You start with basics, right? Same goes here. Humanity has gone so far from basic, that it is just time to stop and pause. Unlearn the ways that are not working, go inside one self and from that space, learn new ways of being. Go back a bit and remind ourselves what does it mean to be a human. Money, tittles and material things don't matter. Humanity has forgotten this. So we need a pause. Because in the future, there will be technologies that we are not yet aware of. There will be new creations, but they are not activated yet. First we need to stop and pause and as I said, reflect."

"I also want to remind you that this is a perfect example of fear based energy. It is quite amazing to see how much power the media has on people. What if we didn't have internet? What if we didn't have sosial media? This virus could have not ever have so much power over people without the fear. This virus could not grow in love energy. This is a perfect example of people listening others instead of turning inwards and in their inner power. This is one of the lessons of this virus. Panic can only spread when it has energy. Without fear, this virus would have had been just another flu that is going around and it wouldn't have had this power over people. The fact that you are not going with this panic flow doesn't mean you are not aware. It means, that you are not willing to give any energy to this virus for it to survive."

This is so interesting to me. I remember how at the end of last year, I felt like something big is "cooking" under the surface. I could not put my finger on it, but I knew it is big. And here we are. With this virus. What it will bring and how thing will unfold, no one knows yet. Here is a change to learn "living in a moment" life, because at the end, that is all we have. Now. We are at the door of "new earth". How exciting!

Anyway, enough about the virus! Me and my crew, well, we have had fun! It is amazing to find out how fast the new ways of being becomes normal. Even though Roger keeps bringing up some old stuff, like money issues, this new energy doesn't allow them linger upon us that long. To be very honest, I am so happy now that I have done my inner job and I am now in a peacefull and happy place!

"And love, you were doing your inner cleansing willingly. This was a big benefit to you. Resisting "what is" only makes things harder", says Victoria. Oh yes, I agree!

So I have let go of people and places here too. In my second home. It was meant to be like this. But a week ago, I moved into a new house, in a new invironment. I have people around me that love me, accept me and support me, no matter what. I don't think I have ever been loved this way. Roles, age or tittles don't matter. I matter, meaning my soul matters. This is such amazing feeling! This unconditional love allows me to open up fully. Until now, it hasn't been safe to be vulnerable and open. It hasn't been safe to show all sides of me. So this is my practise now. To be open. To be vulnerable. To be me, fully.

And the funny thing is, that now, as I am loved unconditionally, there are not so many things coming up. When you are in a safe invironment, there is no need to fight or argue. No need to control or think too much. When you are in a free space, it is easy to flow with life. You can express your thoughts and needs without being judged. You can take your space when you need it. You can talk about all things in this Universe without anyone saying "you are weird". Everything is so natural!

So I am now in my own bubble here in Africa. I am very aware what is going on in the outside world, but I can not get on board to the fear and panic that people are feeling. I am okey with everything. Even if it means I am meant to die to this virus. Then so be it. But to be honest, I don't think I will. I feel like I am in front of something new. That for me this is just the beginning..... Of new life with new ways. I knew all along that March is going to be "shedding the old skin". This meant that all the fears that were underneath, had to come to the surface to be releaced. I bless this!

Now I am able to thank myself and my crew for all the things we have learned these past few years. How to just be. How not to control. How to go with the flow. How to trust. How to relax and have faith in any situation. Now all these lessons have become handy. It is no coincidence that I was not able to find a job to distract my learning process. No wonder that no gym or dancing lesson was pulling me. I needed to learn all these new ways of being by myself through isolation.

"We are so proud of you honey", says Victoria. "Yes love, we are", says Roger. Victoria comes to sit on my left side and takes me in to her arms, Roger comes to the right side and puts his hands around me too. And here we sit, in peace and quiet. Cynthia (my god fairy) is flying above us with a big smile on her face. I feel safe. I feel loved. I can finally be myself fully. Without any roles, without any expectations, without any pressure for doing.

How many times I thought I knew what freedom is. Well, I didn't. How many times I thought that I was in front of something new. I wasn't.

For me, right now, every day is new. Even if I am doing things that I have done for years, it still feels like new. It is like my eyes are finally fully open. Roger still wants me to think about the future, but I trust the flow. What ever I am meant to do here, it will come to me when the time is right. Right now, I just want to enjoy my bubble a little while longer.

ROGER'S FIT

Yesterday evening our crew were finally able to get some clarity about our next move. We were able to book the flights and the accommodations for one month. At least now we have a place to go and where to stay. When we get to our destination, it is easier to go with the flow again.

For most of these two months, I have been quite calm and relaxed even though it seemed that we just can not get any answers. Until yesterday I realized that I had put unrealistic expectations on the shoulders of the Universe. Like the Universe is the one who is supposed to bring something magical in front of me. Well, anything in this life is possible for sure, but I understood at the same time, that reading too many writings of others and watching too closely on how their life unfolds, you start to compare yourself to them. I feel like this is an automatic system for me. It just happens without me even realizing it. I can now clearly see the danger of the social media. Sometimes, specially when you in front of big decisions, it is maybe better to close them off.

Yesterday evening, I thank god, was dropped again, back to the earth and back to the fact that this is my life and that it is my responsibility. I don't have to create expectations towards me or how things should have unfold. This time the decision was difficult, because the destination is far different, than what Roger (my ego) had imagined to us. And as I booked the flights yesterday.... Oh my. For the first few moments, our crew were kind of numb. Feeling like, "what ever". But then Roger got crazy!!

OMG! For a while now he has been in our team and very calm and cool. He has been supporting me big time and I have felt so safe. But now, it is like his whole world got shattered! He went nuts!

"What the hell are you thinking", he was shouting at me. "How the hell do you think that this decision will ever move you forward?! You are fat! You are old! Where are you going to have your morning coffee? Where are you going to wash you clothes? How the hell are you going to live? Do you think that the money will fall from the sky? Why is it so difficult for you to just get settled somewhere and have a solid, normal life? What in god's name is this decision going to bring to you?" And on, and on, and on, and on.....

Our crew have to give credit to him though. He has such an imagination! He came up with things, that we could have never ever even think about! And his out burst is still going on?! He has been shouting now for almost 24 hours! Respect :o) !!!!!

Of cause, his out burst is hard on my body. I feel symptoms like panic attack, anxiety and huuuuuge fear! But our team has learned that it is better for him to "empty his balloon" instead of trying to interfere to his process. So I keep on breathing, in and out. I go for a walk and let him talk. I come in, do the dishes and let him talk. "Keep it coming, keep it coming, let it all out! What else, what else?", I say to him. And he finds yet another 10 reasons why we shouldn't take this leap of faith.

"Do you see no love, how all the old programming is coming out?", asks Victoria (my higher self). Oh yes, I sure do! I come from a family and society where drama and negativity was the main way of looking at things. "Always expect the worst! Nothing in life comes easy! You have to fight for your living! Do as you are told! Hard work pays off! Life is a suffering! Do not enjoy too much, because next minute something bad will happen! Hide your happiness! Don't tell anyone about your good luck or you will loose it! Don't think too much of yourself!" Oh my! Do you see now what I have to put up with for 24 hours?!

But if I am honest, I have learned to respect these bursts of Roger's. This means that self love is making more space inside of me and as Roger is shouting these old programmings out, bit by bit, I start to feel lighter. The old darkness is falling away. The old beliefs that have been keeping me small.

"It is like..... Well, when Roger is acting like this, it is like he is doing the inner cleansing with a huge vacuum cleaner", laughs Cynthia (my god fairy). "And I have to say, that now he is really doing a thorough job!" I have to agree!

"This is normal reaction of his, because first of all, he wants to keep you safe. So for him, it would be easier if we would just stay where we are without changing anything. This is what he knows, so his job of protecting you, would be so much easier. The second thing is, that we are so used to being trapped into the old beliefs, that Roger gets very scared when he knows, that we are heading towards freedom. As crazy as it sounds, for most, freedom is very scary. So it is for him. We all want it, but when it actually is offered to you, for some, it is impossible to grab to this kind of opportunity", says Victoria.

"Freedom is something that we are not used to. We are used to other telling us how to be and how to act. If and when you decide to step into a more free life, you need to be able to leave everything outside of you and only listen to yourself. This means take responsibility. Until taking responsibility of you life becomes normal state of being, it takes practice and for sure, the Universe will deliver all kinds of tools (people and events) to test your commitment to you own freedom. This is why it is easier to stay in the "normal" way of living, because then you don't have to do this. You can only truly be free, when you step fully into your own power. Not what others think you should be or do and not put it in Universe's shoulders either."

"So Roger is scared as hell, because the more we start to take responsibility of our lives, the more freedom we get. The more we practice this, the more "jobless" he gets. Well, not jobless. It is just that the job description changes for him. And as we know, change is always scary", continues Victoria.

So we allow Roger to talk. Let him rage and shout. Now we all see this as a blessing, not a curse. "And we have to remember, that he is also practicing surrendering. And he must fall into his old habits as do we. So no one is perfect. And this is what life is all about. Learning. It is like in school. You can not learn to write within one day, but by practicing this new skill", says Cynthia.

We can see that he is getting calmer now, minute after minute. As he gets our unconditional love, it is like the air is blown out from his balloon. Finally he comes to sit next to me, he takes my hand and sits there quietly. I hold his hand and I wait.

"I am so sorry. I don't know why I am so scared. I love you so much and I just want to keep you safe. As I am saying all these things, I feel terrible! I know they are not true! You are not ugly or old! You are one of the most beautiful souls I know! So I am sorry....", Roger says crestfallen. I kiss him on the cheek and I tell him that I love him. I assure him, that with our strong team, we will be fine.

"And what if, just what if, we could start to learn, that things can flow to us easily? That life don't have to be suffering? That we learn to accept things as they come and we actually learn more and more to enjoy life's smallest things?, I ask him.

We all sit quiet. We all agree. This is where we are now as a team. Learning new ways of being. Still getting scared when big changes are around the corner. But we are strong. And we will make it. And now, as a team, we agree, that we will do our level best to enjoy this last week in this apartment. Very soon we are surrounded by people and action and it feels so very good! But for now, we will enjoy our dance and yoga practices here in our small house and in our own privacy. Just a few days more.

PRACTICING TRUST AND "THE NOW"

I have known for almost two months now that I am leaving my old house. Maybe my old home town. Maybe Finland, my home country. The weird thing is, that the answer to the question "where am I going", is not coming. Less then a week and my house has to be empty and I have to be out of here. But where am I supposed to go?

It seems that the collective theme for the last few weeks has been about "going with the flow" without forcing anything, being flexible, staying in the present moment and just trust, have faith, that everything will be sorted out. Nothing to worry. But still, I wanted to gather my crew to have a chat about this.

"I never knew, when letting the house go, that I would be in this position at this time. I was sure, that by now, I would already have a clear plan where and what. But it seems that nothing resonates, nothing is calling me. It is like there is no place in this earth that would feel like home", I say to my crew. "This doesn't make me sad, but it makes me curious. Where will I be taken to?"

"Are you questioning your decision of letting the house go?" Victoria (my higher self) is asking. "No, not at all. This is actually the only thing at this very moment I am sure about", I laugh.

But Roger (my ego) was not going to settle for this. He was the one who wanted to make a plan. So together we decided to make one just to keep him happy. For three days we went through different options where to go, because at that point, he wanted to go somewhere abroad. I have to say, that this was a bit of a struggle, because we didn't wait for the right time. Instead we "were forcing" a solution, just to make Roger happy. I did feel this in my whole body to be honest! Uh, old ways.... Heavy!

Anyway, this is what we did and thank god we have friends all over the world, so there were plenty of options. So me and Roger, we chose one and we were able to book an apartment. This was a time where "I fell into my old ways" and I end up asking advises from my friends. Big decisions like this are hard to make by your self! "And specially if you are forcing it", I laugh. So the suggestions of my friends, just made me more confused, because as we know, me and my crew are the only ones who can know what is best for us. This is the process of leaving the old ways and learning the new. A process my team is in and this is why we allow everything and don't deny anything. We have to allow ourselves to "bang our heard's to the wall" as many times as is needed in order to let the old ways go.

So just to keep Roger quiet and relaxed, we made a plan knowing all along, that it is meant to be left open. So yes to the accommodation, but no to the flights. We have to keep ourselves open for changes and fast movement. Yes, I have been packing the stuff in the house, so I am prepaid that way. It is just the clothes and few minor things that are hard to pack as I am not sure where I am going. So now I am practicing staying "in the now". All I know at the moment is, that I am here, soon to be my ex apartment and writing this text.

"Victoria, what is going on?" I ask her. "Well love", she says. "You are now learning to trust the divine flow and the divine timing. You are learning how to live in the moment and how to enjoy it, instead of stressing about it. It was a very clever thing, that you allowed Roger to have a plan, because he is also learning these new skills. It is not easy for you and for sure it is not easy to him", she laughs. "There are pieces in this Universal puzzle that are not aligned yet and this is why things seem to be unclear. But all is taken care of and I will tell you as soon as I get the info. All you have to do, is relax and trust."

Oh, I knew she is going to say this. And the truth is, that I am relaxed. There was a incident this week, that shook Roger for a bit. He got upset, irritated and disappointed. So I allowed him to feel this, but to my surprise, it didn't last that long. "In the old days", this process would have taken him days, but now, within an hour, we were back in balance. "We are so proud of you Roger", we all tell him.

He is smiling and says "Thank you guys! I am practicing, for sure. But I am committed to this new way of being with all of you and so I am doing my level best to adapt this." This is true. I am so proud of him. We allow him to practice by accepting and loving him fully as he is going through this transformation. We love him, as he loves us and we know that he has committed himself for this new way because he wants to be part of our team, not fight against us. Sometimes this requires compromising.

And so we keep going with the flow. I keep on practicing this "staying in the moment" and trusting and to my surprise, now that Roger is on board, it is quite natural for me. Even if our balance is shaken up by something outside of us, I bounce back to my center so fast! And I am content again. I just don't stress. Quite opposite, I am excited! I accept the situations and the days as they come and well, that's it. Who would have known that former completer and control freak could live like this?!

"Can you see now love, how well you are protected by the spirit?" asks Victoria. "You are in your safe cocoon where you can practice these new skills in your own pace, without any distractions. You are now creating a base for your new way of living and being. Nothing is solid, because this is not how your life was meant to be. You chose to be here at this time and break all the old beliefs about how we are supposed to live our lives. Staying in the same job or living in the same house for all your life. And this is totally fine, of cause, if this is someones soul path, but it is not yours. You are meant to flow. You had this two months time to get stronger inside, before we send you out in to the world. And remember, that world is Finland too! This say this just so you understand that any destination is as good as another. I have this feeling that we are not going to stay in Finland, but I can not say anything solid yet."

"But can you see love, how all this time after new year, has been given to you as a gift, so that you can see what is it that you no longer want in you life. You are releasing so much old stuff, but you can not feel or see it yet. But it is happening. Now you are so solid in your own truth without caring what others say. This is what is needed from you as a leader. Because leader you are. Leader of new ways."

"When we have been stuck in the old ways of being for so long, it is necessary that when we start something new, it goes to the extreme. It is the only way to keep the balance for a while. But as more and more people adapt and tap into the new energy, the opposites don't have to be so far away from each other. You understand? Good example of this is that for the longest time, we have been living in such a hard, masculine world where our souls and spirit where totally forgotten. Too much violence and bad things happening. So to even the energetic scale, so to say, came spirituality, femininity, softness and it went "over board". Or this is how some humans see it. But it had to be this way, so the energetic balance was kept on earth. This is what is happening now too with this flow, trust and living in a moment. Some humans, like you love, you are the strongest ones to take this to the extreme. We need this for a while, but eventually, there will be a middle ground and living like this or at least partly like this, will become natural."

Oh my, I just love her wisdom!!!!!! I love her!!!!! Victoria is the best. Even Roger is quiet, because he knows, this is true. It is true for us, I mean.

I have to say, that I have never been happier. I have never been so content. And I love this process of learning new ways. I love the fact that less and less, Roger gets reactions and even if he does, it doesn't take that long for him to remember, that he is part of our team, part of our flow. It is amazing to see these skills developing so fast. And Victoria is right. Without this time in my own solitude and cocoon, I wouldn't have had the privacy to practice all these new things.

So basically, if you look at our situation outside, all is set for the new. I have sold everything, so I really don't have that much stuff anyway. The few things that I was able to pack, is packed. The rest, I will fix within an hour and I am good to go. We have less than one week. Less than one week and no idea where. And I am loving it! I will know when the time is right and I will be taken to the place where I am needed the most and where I can learn more.

This is my new way of being. No solid ground what so ever. And if this is how I am supposed to live, I am okey with it. No stuff to make my transitions difficult or to make me stay in one place. I know I belong to the world, no matter which part of it. And I know Victoria is holding my hand tightly and guiding me to these unknown waters. Roger is there, Cynthia (my god fairy) is there and all my spirit team is there. So why would I need to worry? I am just creating a solid ground, not from outside in, but from inside out. I am creating my fairy tale every singe minute.

How I feel now, you might ask. I am feeling great! I am ready. Scared a bit, but ready. Excited. So what ever beautiful plans the Universe has for me, bring it on! I deserve all of it!

LEARNING NEW WAYS

These couple of days I have been quite happy. Content, I must say, is a better word than happy. Content. Fulfilled. Peaceful. Joyful. It is not like I haven't been happy or joyful before in my life, but this is something different. It feels different. It is an inner feeling that I have and it has nothing to do with anything outside of me. Outside doesn't matter. It doesn't affect my inner world that much anymore. And less and less all the time. I am already full.

"This is something that I haven't experienced before", I tell my crew. " I wrote about rebirth before here, because I thought, that my healing was done. But few intense days came after that. I mean really intense! But now.... I keep on waiting for that intensity to come, but it is not coming. The process has changed. Now this new energy just gets integrated deeper and deeper. Nothing outside of me haven't changed in anyway, but everything inside of me, has. I am content. And now as I am speaking to you guys, I don't go for happiness, I go for joy. I feel like the energy is totally different, you know. It is like happiness is not enough to describe this. Joy is better. Lighter."

My crew are clapping their hands! We can not believe that we are finally getting some kind of peace into our lives after the healing process. We all feel the difference to what was before and how is it now. This inner filling up that has nothing to do with anything else then us. So this is what unconditional love feels like!

"It is so weird. It is like I can not go for "setting goals" or planning things anymore. All is well here and now and I don't need to know more", I say.

Roger (my ego) is so happy for me. He has finally joined our team and now he is constantly asking me, if I am okay, if there is anything he can do or if I need to hold his hand in order to feel safe. I just love my new Roger! He is so good and kind and now he is playing along with our new way of being.

"Love, now you understand what it means when someone says "happiness doesn't come outside", don't you?", asks Victoria (my higher self). Oh yes, for sure! It is amazing! This feeling is amazing!

If I compare me now to that lady I was, the difference is huge! It might not show outside yet, but the new is here. I haven't bought any new clothes, I haven't got a new car or a new house. I haven't got any more money, I haven't changed the way I dress, I haven't got a plan for the future. I don't have a treasure map in order to manifest anything. I don't sit in meditation or do spells. Mostly I am alone, because this is how I prefer things at the moment. Days just go without any business or agenda. I am so powerful. Now I can feel it myself too and now I am not scared of it. It is like I have this big tiger inside of me. A tiger that is not angry, but gentle. Not violent, but firm. Has empathy for all, but knows her boundaries. Loves everybody, but doesn't take any bullshit. This inner power comes from unconditional love, not ego (sorry Roger) and it feels so totally different. This is so new to me!

I was able to fulfill myself. Now anything that comes on top, is just an extra filling. Like when you make tacos. You can add many fillings inside, but the base is always there.

My crew agrees. Cynthia starts to giggle, because she things that tacos without fillings are tasteless, so she would have used some other example to describe my inner world. "Okey love", I say. "Let's take avocado? It's juicy and nice without anything, but if you put some salt on top or you add it to the salad, it's better. Is this a good one?", I ask her with the smile on my face. "Oh yeah baby, I like this one. Juicy. Oh, I like that word. Love, you are juicy!!!!", she giggles.

The rest of us just, we just roll our eyes on her. She is having a lot of energy today! And this is good. At least one of us is, because the rest of us are quite calm and relaxed today. I need her energy so that I can take my yoga mat later and do my practice. So good for her! Keep it up, babe!

So now me and my crew, we are learning this new way of being. I can not control anything anymore. Victoria is in charge. This allows me to relax and just do me. I don't plan my days, I just see what comes along. I don't have a calendar anymore. I can not plan my future, because I don't know what the Universe has planned for me. Before I was frustrated, now I am excited not to know. I don't want to know, I like surprises! Social media don't seem so important anymore and I don't listen to anyone outside of me anymore. I have left all my gurus, all my books and videos. I am in charge of my own life, so I don't listen to anyone on how I should live my life.

I listen to my crew. I listen to my body. Victoria and the rest of the crew, they will always guide me forward. My body will always tell me what to eat. I don't have to think about it. Now this goes with the flow. I don't plan my exercises. I exercise when my body wants movement and now, I would never ever force it to do something, if she didn't want to. I allow my body to be. I don't have to deny anything from me, because I don't have any beliefs anymore. If I want to chocolate, I will have chocolate. We all looooove chocolate! The difference is that what ever I  do, I CHOOSE to do it. I am very aware of all of my choices.

I don't need people or things. All that I need, will be brought to me in the right time.  I am not attached to tittles, clothes, money, fame, likes in FB or anything anymore. I don't have to exercise to have a six pack, but because it makes me feel good. "If I am totally honest, I feel like Alice in wonderland", I say.

"This is so beautiful", says Victoria. It is amazing how my crew and my body guide me in every moment. I can relax and just enjoy. I used to think that I need to travel or go to a amusement park in order to get my adrenaline highs. Now this comes from "not knowing". I can not know what is around the corner. All I know is that I am content. No more ups and downs. No more outside influences. No more people telling me how or when or what. All the training's and courses. All the one on one sessions. And now, finally, I am content. I am full.

ENERGY SENSITIVE

I have been quite sensitive to energies always. I just haven't quite understood the depth of this and my own reactions when I sense something. Also, I used to think that this was a bad thing, but now I understand, that I have a huge gift! And so as I went through my cleansing process, I also started to understand this part of myself better. And the more I got rid of all the old beliefs and fears, my sensitivity just got more higher. I have also gotten a lot of new qualities that are very interesting to me and I truly enjoy them. I learn as I go along.

We are all sensitives. It is just that, again, we all have our own unique soul path and some can feel these energies better, some those. It doesn't really matter. Some are more aware about this quality, some are not. Either way, it is all as good as the other. 

I think we can all sense the atmosphere in the room when we enter there. This is quite normal. What ever is going on with our human mind, turns into an energy and this energy is the one we can sense. Me and Victoria (my higher self) have been talking about my sensitivity quite a lot. Specially now when it is increasing. 

I didn't always understand why my mood can swing so fast from a very joyful and happy feeling into an anger or frustration. I always blamed myself for being too moody. Now I know that I have always sensed the other persons energy. Not what they were saying or doing, but the unseen and unspoken part. And as an emphatic person, I reacted to this. And this changed my mood very quickly. 

I also always wanted to see people being happy. Because when people around me were happy, it was easier and the most comfortable for me. Then there are no mixed energies in the air. This is why I was a people pleaser. This is why I tried to give advises and directions, so that the person I was with, would feel better. And then I could relax and feel better.

I know what is not said. I sense what is going on under the surface. I know when someone is lying or there is something going on. I sense it, even if I can not put it in words. And before I always blamed myself, that there was something wrong with me. In a working place where I used to felt very okey, suddenly I felt very uncomfortable. I am so happy that I have got to know this part of myself so well. Now I know exactly what to do in every situation. Sometimes I say what I "see and hear", sometimes not. Now I have also learned not always say anything. Even if I sense something, it is not of my business. 

"This is very good", says Victoria. We both smile and hug each other. Roger (my ego) is nodding his head. "The more you dig in, the more you learn about yourself. This is so beautiful! This is why you don't need any outside factors to tell you what is your truth and what is not. It is so wonderful to become your own guru in everything", he says. I have to agree. It is very empowering!

So I sense my guides, I sense the pass away souls, I sense other people's energies and now this quality is so heighten that even if I see a text message or a picture, I can sense that persons emotions. Even sometimes what is going on with them! I now know how different energies feel in my body. This is so weird! But quite wonderful! 

"And this is why you need quite a lot of alone time too! This can sometimes be too much for you, because when ever you are around a lot of people for too long, your senses get tired. You get tired. Loud noises, too much people, small space, crowded shops and so on. This can be too much for you", says Cynthia (my god fairy). This is true, but thank god, now I know it and I know how to deal with it. And also, less and less, other people's energies effect to my moods. Now I know what is going on, so I know how to deal with this. 

Something new is also going on. That is that I can sense the energies pouring to the earth. This is SO new to me! "One night I was out and as I came in, I felt this huge heaviness. Like I would absolutely drop inside the ground. So heavy! And in that moment, I heard some of you (my guides) whispering that this is the new energy grounding to the earth. "Even when I went to bed, I felt like I could sink inside the sofa, I felt so heavy", I am laughing. Victoria is nodding. She knows what I am talking about and she is responsible for this area too. 

"This is a ability that we are still developing with you love", she says. "I am just so happy that we are so connected that you can hear my explanations." Me too, I say to her.

These new energies that are pouring to the earth where the ones that pushed all the darkness out of me. All the fears and beliefs. "This is now happening to everyone at this time", says Victoria. "Things that used to make you happy, don't anymore. People you used to like to hand around with, don't feel that nice anymore. Working place might suddenly start to feel uncomfortable. Things like this. This is all about this new energy doing it's magic", she says smiling. 

"Yes, this is true!", I say. "It happened to me just like that! But now something has shifted."

"Please tell us", says Cynthia. 

"Well, yesterday I felt another energy wave coming to earth. I feel like always when these energy waves come, first I feel light and happy and maybe next day or few days after, I feel tired. Now I don't feel anxiety, anger or frustration anymore." 

"This is true", says Victoria. "Your inner world is now more clean then ever, you are also excepting "what is" and not resisting anything. This is why, you feel the energy, but now, you don't get a reaction as before." This is true.

But me and Roger did have a conversation today about this. For the first time, we agreed and he actually listened me. And did what I wanted him to do. Like I said, yesterday I felt this light energy pouring to earth. Today, I feel like it is being grounded and so I felt tired already in the morning. Even though I slept very well in the night. So after running some errands, I came home and I was so tired that I needed to come to the sofa and have a nap. "That was the time when Roger started to analyze this, isn't it lovie", I ask him.

"Yes", he says with a smile on his face. "I just always want to know what is going on with you".

But for the first time, I asked him to just let things be as they are. No need to analyze. That this is just new energy grounding to earth, we know what's going on and that's all we have to know. And if he wants to help, he could just come close to me, take me into his arms and just allow me to rest there. That would be the most safe place for me. And for the first time ever, this is what he did! 

So I had my nap in Roger's arms with Victoria and Cynthia by my side too and we were just letting the energies flow and ground. And I am so grateful for this! Now we truly are a team, playing the same game. Not against each other, but on the same side! And I have never ever felt more safe in my life! Amazing! 

And this is my safety crew. This is my safety harbour where I can get to know my new energy sensitivities in peace and feeling safe. As hard as it has been for me to learn these new things, it surely has been hard to Roger too. But now we are in the same page. This is big! 

So big and new things are happening to our little crew, but we flow one moment at the time. 

GOING WITH THE FLOW

Today I wanted to gather my crew with me to talk about this saying: "Just go with the flow". There are so many quotes that are being shared in the social media without really even thinking what it actually means. And if you are not fully in your own power and you don't know your own truth, these kind of quotes can cause a lot of anxiety. Or thoughts of "not being brave or good enough".

Because I am now in front of "going with the flow", I wanted to really think about this and understand what this means to me. So that it is not just a phrase that I have heard or read somewhere, but that I truly know what is my truth about this.

So, I gave up my house in new year and very soon I am leaving. I have to say that Roger (my ego) and Victoria (my higher self) have had quite strong argues about where we are supposed to go. Roger just can't relax and trust. He HAS TO KNOW! He just has to have a plan. He needs me to feel safe. And Victoria keeps assuring him, that all will be fine and that our crew don't have to worry about anything. But he just won't listen. So he keeps pushing me to the computer to look for houses or trips, hotels and flights and so I do just to keep him quiet. But as I do this, I feel this old control and push, this "forcing things to happen", instead of just letting things be, like Victoria is trying to tell us.

So finally Cynthia (my god fairy) tells us that why not, we give Roger a class of sparkling wine, so that he could relax a bit and so we do. And now, finally we can have a nice chat without pushing and pulling. We are laughing to him, because he seems to get a little bit tipsy and he is so funny, when he is like this. He is just having this grin in his face and he seems to enjoy the taste of the sparkling wine. Little giggles are coming out every now and then and he wants us to put some music on. He likes to dance when he is tipsy. Oh my, we just absolutely love him! And for sure, we want to see this kind of Roger more often!

So I am in front of something new. And I for sure don't want to control anything, not like Roger. So as he is sipping his sparkling wine, we decide to make a plan just to keep him quiet and relaxed. And so we do. At least, now, we know where to go at the end of this month "if nothing else comes up". At least Roger is now satisfied and quiet. But I can see Victoria smiling. She is quiet, she is allowing Roger to have this plan, but I have this weird feeling, that she knows something that she is not telling me. We THINK that now we know what is going to happen at the end of this month, but the truth is, we don't. It might go as planned, but it might not. But at least, now, Roger and Victoria don't have to argue about it, but our whole crew can relax.

"So Victoria, please explain to me how you see this - going with the flow - thing", I say to her.

"Well, actually there is no one explanation. There is no one way to "go with the flow". It is different in every moment. Right now, for us, it is this. We make a plan, but we are not attached to it. So if something else happens, we allow it to be so. Also, sometimes, going with the flow means that you get this deep inner knowing what you need to do. You don't know how it is going to end up, but you do it anyway. This could be anything. Leaving a job or a partner. You just have this deep inner knowing, that this situation is not good for you anymore and that you have to do something. Sometimes you might even do it without knowing how you are going to get money or where this road of getting singe again might take you, but you are following you heart anyway. This is one way of going with the flow and remember, always, every singe time, you do something brave like this, the Universe will have your back. This means that "when one door closes, other one opens". This takes a lot of trust and courage, but things will always work out, one way or another. Flow", she smiles.

"Also, "going with the flow" means that you might have an insight about what is your next step. It might be a new place to go to without knowing where it leads you, but you just follow this inner guidance. Going with the flow is something that is so personal. You might make a travel plan for six months, but inside that six months, you allow things to happen naturally without planning that much. Or you make some plans and leave some open. Again, flow."

"Isn't it so, that "going with the flow" means, that you can make a plan, but you are not attached to the outcome", asks Cynthia. "Yes love, you are right. This is one way of "going with the flow", answers Victoria.

"If I am totally honest, you Saija, are the only one who can define what "going with the flow" means to you in each moment. Sometimes you know what to do and where to go, sometimes you know some and you go anyway without knowing the outcome. "Going with the flow" is like this "gut feeling" you have and when you are following that, you are in the flow. Sometimes with a plan, sometimes half plan and sometimes just knowing a miner thing and jumping into the unknown. Basically what I would say is "WHEN YOU FOLLOW YOUR HEART, YOU ARE GOING WITH THE FLOW. Always. Just remember, that your life is your responsibility. So you have to decide and then the Universe will work with you. But it will not do it FOR you. If you want to win a million in lottery, Universe can not take your coupon to the shop, you have to do it. And then, only then, if is in your soul path, you might have a chance to win that million. You understand?", says Victoria.

Sure, I get it very well. And I have to be honest. There has been times where I have put the responsibility to Universes shoulders and it did not work!

Roger has been quiet, but now he says, "why didn't we do this before? Make a plan, but then allow it to flow. Why did we have to struggle with this with you Victoria?"

"Well, we are here to learn this co-operation between you and me and we did learn a lot, didn't we? And the thing is, we can never make wrong decisions. Never! We are here to learn, so what ever decision we make, it is always the right one in that moment."

Victoria is quiet for a while, but eventually she just can't keep the truth from us anymore. So she says, "Guys, if I am totally honest, the truth about this whole concept of "going with the flow...."

"The truth is that the Universe ALLOWS you to think that you are in control, but if this source power sees that you are doing something that is not meant for you, it will give you a nudge to the right direction. It can happen with a help of a friend or a stranger. It can happen through inner knowing or through synchronic events. Let me give you an example."

"Let's say that you don't want to work in you working place anymore, but you are afraid to leave. So you keep on going and you keep on having this anxiety and this unhappiness and for sure, it doesn't get less, quite the opposite. If you don't have a courage to follow these ques that your body is trying to send you, eventually, "the Universe will step in". This means that maybe in the working place things are starting to get worse and worse. More and more things are happening that are pushing you out of your comfort zone. Until there comes this big event and you are already so fed up, that you just quit without thinking it too much anymore. The only thing you have in your mind is "anything is better then this!" Yes babes, going with the flow!", she laughs.

"If your souls path is to stay in the same job for all your life, then this is what you signed in, before you were born. Then this is the way to get your lessons that you are meant to get in this lifetime. It doesn't mean that you are not "in the flow". The Universe keeps us all ALWAYS in the flow, but this happens in unique ways. In a way that was agreed by your soul before coming to earth. So "going with the flow" has nothing to do with courage, because flow is ever present. Some people make more bold moves, some live more solid life. And yet, there is always a flow."

"As you can see, you are always always taken care of. You truly are always in the flow. The though of "this one is going with the flow and this one is not", is just another way for people to create a separation between one another. Control is a man made concept, but in the Universes, this doesn't exist. If you look at animals or nature, there is a perfect flow all the time without any resistance. Humans have just forgotten this, but everything in this Universe is flowing. So what I am trying to say is, that you are actually always "in the flow", you just have forgotten this", says Victoria with a smile in her face. "How easy life would be, if we wouldn't fight against this flow. There would be so much less suffering and so much more joy."

I just absolutely love this!!! How easy can life be! I don't EVER have to worry about "living right" or "going with the flow", because I AM ALWAYS IN THE FLOW and I CAN NOT MAKE WRONG DECISIONS! Wow! Me and Cynthia are clapping our hands, we are so happy!

And now, we are asking Roger to get us classes and share his sparkling wine with us. This is big for me. And to Roger. "Can you imagine Roger how much easier life would be for you if you just would surrender?", I laugh. "I sooooo agree!", he says and takes a sip from his class. "Actually, I want to retire!", he declares laughing.

"Oh no love, I will not let you go as long as I am in this human body. You are stuck with me", I tell him. He comes to me, hugs me tightly and says that he wouldn't like to be anywhere else. And then we all toast to our lovely, beautiful crew! We all agree, we did learn a lot from Victoria today. She is absolutely amazing! Now, we are all happy and relaxed, we have at least one plan and at the same time, we are letting it flow. And we are now at peace with this. So we let it flow, we let it flow.....

DOING THINGS ACCORDING TO MY HEART GUIDANCE

It is the holiday season. Christmas is here! Everywhere around me people are preparing gifts, food and timetables for the days to come. I am so out of this vibe! I just don't want to do things the old way anymore. I am done with traditions. So I am sitting in my sofa again with my crew and we end up having a conversation about this.

"Guys, I feel like..... How can I put this..... I feel like "it is too late". It is too late to go back to the old ways. It is too late to connect with the people I have let go long time ago and now the Christmas eve is coming and I don't have no where to go, no one to be with and basically, nothing to do. And if I am totally honest, for me, this is just another day between many other days", I say.

"Love, but this is good", says Victoria (my higher self). "Why should you stress about this? Just see what feels right and do that. It is okey like that. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"Yes, I know and honestly, I can't. Your guidance Victoria, is so powerful these days, that Roger (my ego) can not get his voice heard over you", I say. We all end up laughing. This is so true, we all agree.

"It's just that I have been spending so much time alone lately and more and more, I am comfortable with this. It is so clear, that I rather be alone, then with people, who invite me to visit, just because it is an obligation. Or out of bitty. Or because it has always been this way. Christmas eve, well you are "supposed" to spend it with your family and for me, there is no family. I have already let them go long time ago and nothing is left to say. Or to do. I am little bit confused here, if I am totally honest. I am happy by myself, but somehow sad, that I am left so alone", I say.

Cynthia (my god fairy) jumps in: "Love, this is your life. Your creation. You are not the same person that you once were. Now it is time to really and I mean REALLY, let go of the past and also the darkness and the thoughts you were having while the cleansing process was on. Sometimes it is also very easy to get stuck into those feelings you have been feeling for so long. And part of your cleansing was to face all the darkness you had inside of yourself. But love, now it is gone! There is nothing to clear anymore. And now it is time for you to acknowledge this. Even though Roger is trying to keep in this state of mind, it is safe to let go of this and allow this new lightness to come out. This is your fairy tale now. A new one. So jump into it fully! This is so exciting! What would be the first step for you to do in order for you to get to this new, lighter mind set?"

"Victoria, help!" I shout. "What does this mean", I ask her. "Break the old ways of spending Christmas. What would you like to do? After all, the old is now gone. As you said, it is too late for that anymore. So do what brings you joy. Joy is your guide from now on, nothing else. This is a good way to start",  Victoria says. And I just love this!

So oh my, here starts my Christmas fairy tale!

Oh yes! I am the only one who can know what is good for me, so let's start from this. And so I talk to my friend and we decide to go to Helsinki where there is this very cool setting. Outside swimming pool and sauna. While you are swimming you can watch the big boats, city lights and the home of the president. I know I will meet new people and get some fresh energy.

And so we do this. I jump into the train and we walk across Helsinki to the Sea Pool. We buy the tickets with a class of sparkling wine and in we go. We put the bikinis on and shower time it is. And after that to Sauna. I have to tell you this. There is something so magical in Sauna. The heat kind of rips of any heaviness that you might have in your body. It is calming, soothing and refreshing. So we sit in Sauna with other ladies from all over the world. Some tourists have come to Helsinki to spend the Christmas here and this, for sure, is a new experience for them. As it is for me. So I am a tourist too and this is so cool, since I am in my own home country!

After the Sauna, we have a small walk outside and we end up to a heated swimming pool. And oh my, the feeling I get from this! It is amazing!!!!!! "Guys, did you see the "blue moment" when the day started to unfold into the evening?!", I ask my crew. "Yes, it was so beautiful!! We are so happy we got to experience this!!", they say. "Me too, I have to say! I could have never ever imagine that I could feel so light and pure after this!"

"So love, you see now? You can create you life just the way you want it", says Victoria. "Oh yes", I replay with a smile on my face. I understand now that I have to let everything and anything - any tradition or restriction - behind me and I need to understand now fully, that I am free. Totally free to create my life just the way I want it. No need to think how "I should" do things or what is the right way by the society. Oh no! All I have to do, is listen to my heart and Victoria.

My Christmas end up being the best one in years! I did what I wanted, I had no stress about buying gifts and instead of eating too much, I actually did exercise every day. I relaxed, watched movies in the candle light and took long walks in the woods. After the holidays, I felt fresh and light and totally relaxed! Wonderful!!!!!

And then came the new years eve. "You have to let the house go". I am quiet for a while. Did I hear this correctly?! And then I hear it again. "It is time to let the house go." I am just getting dressed and just about to go out to see the fireworks to the park. I think I knew somewhere deep inside of me, that this day would come soon, but now? I get the message now?

I hear Victoria's whisper and I let it sink in. And I know she is right. It is time to leave the old and jump into the unknown. Victoria keeps whispering me: "You can give your notice and let the house go. We will guide you forward. Papa is here, I am here, we are all here. Nothing to be afraid of. Things will go very well." And deep inside of me I know this is true, because staying here, is not an option. And if I am totally honest, in this moment, when I hear Victoria's voice, I feel joy! I feel expansion! I feel lightness and happiness! Because now I understand, that I have actually waited for this. I have waited my heart's guidance to get us out of the surroundings that we have outgrown. So if I am totally honest, instead of fear, I feel excitement! I feel relief! And this only tells me how ready I am for the new.

These days, this guidance, my heart and Victoria's, are the only ones I listen. I know that they will always guide me forward and into experiences much more greater than my mind or Roger could ever imagine. So 1.1.2020 at 11.11 a clock, I gave my notice for the house and after 8 weeks, I am leaving. I know that I don't want to push myself too hard, so I allow this 8 weeks time for myself to adjust to this new idea of really "jumping to the flow of life".

Now, all I can do, is trust the process of change. Sell my stuff and that is not much, because I have sold basically all my stuff already during the years. I will pack my suitcase and hit the road where ever it will take me. Roger is trying all that he can to convince me, that this is a bad idea, but now, I kiss him on the cheek and I thank him for trying to keep me safe. But my happiness is more important then any fear I might have. My soul needs so much more space. And so me and Victoria are the only ones who can lead us to our freedom.

This is how I truly start to create my own fairy tale. One step at the time. One moment at the time. No rush, no pushing. Without knowing anything, but just trusting, that my heart and Victoria are now strong enough to lead this team of ours to new adventures. I am amazingly calm and relaxed. No need to control, but just to enjoy. There are no goals anymore, but there is life to be experienced. Destination is not the point, but living every moment is. No need to go to the future or plan too much. All I have to do is to keep my heart fully open to the gifts of the Universe. And enjoy the ride!