BEING IN SERVICE

I woke up today and as I was making my coffee I heard a message coming through: “What if you didn’t heal yourself to “serve” others, but for you to create a new, exciting life with more genuine joy?” My soul (Victoria) always does this. Her messages (my insights) come out of the blue in the most weird moments. 

This morning I really needed to break this limiting belief. A box that I had put myself into. 

What does it mean “to serve others”? Really? Is there only this one way that my limited mind could imagine and how others are doing it? Establish a Y-Tube channel? Instagram account? Being a “spiritual teacher” or “coach”? 

For a long time this idea has made me feel quite heavy, if I am totally honest. It doesn’t make my heart sing. I am interested in other peoples stories, but I am not interested in helping them in their healing journeys. I don’t feel like going back to my past and sharing it anymore.I am very okay with all of the happenings until now and I don’t have any need to keep going back there over and over again.  

I am not looking for heaviness in this new life of mine, but lightness, simplicity, easiness, joy. Something that makes my heart and soul sing. So why am I then thinking “I must be at service and help others to heal”? Somewhere along this healing journey I heard someone say: “heal, so you can help others”. And there it was. New belief was created inside of me. 

This morning I have totally thrown this idea to the Universes! I DON’T FREAKING HAVE TO, IF I DON’T WANT TO! As I let go of this, I feel such a load taken off my shoulders and it feels amazing!  

All is energy, right? As I heal, my own individual energy gets lighter and lighter. Now, this doesn’t mean that I have light days everyday. Absolutely not! But, it does mean that I FEEL the heaviness, I don’t become it anymore. So, my individual energy stays light. 

This was a good one! I took my coffee and sat down with this. What does this really mean to me, because as soon as I heard this, I felt so light. 

As I am learning to only listen to myself and to become my unique self, I am faced with all kinds of beliefs that I have taken within me from outside sources. Mostly from the spiritual teachers, since this is an important topic to me. Now I am pulling out all these beliefs that I thought are true to me, as they are for them. I am transforming from group thinking to my unique life signature. 

So, I have had this belief that since I actually went through the healing journey, not reading about it from a book and I actually experienced its ups and downs, my new phase in life would  “be in service to humanity”. How many times have I heard “share your story and this way you help others”. How conditioned are we to “serve others”? Are we selfish if we don’t?

This individual lightness changes the collective energy a little bit lighter. So does each and every soul that has the courage to heal themselves. Now, we know that “the old and heavy” energies are for example business, manipulation, control, planning, disrespect, masks, numbness, conditional love, lying, gossiping, irresponsible behavior, addictions and so on. As I heal, all of this heaviness clears away. As a healed person I can not be anything else than authentic, real, honest (and so much more) and have a unique soul path. 

The idea that we have to be at service to others is another conditioning and now I am throwing this to the Universes too! Well actually, hold on. Let’s not throw it away, but let me tell you how I see it now after this morning revelation. 

If joy and laughter have a high vibe, then am I not “in service”, if I create my life from now on to these values? Am I not the best gift ever to humanity, if I am genuinely enjoying my life and truly love whatever I am going to create and the process of creating? TOTALLY!

My conclusion is that we all are always in service to humanity. One way or another. Each and everyone in our unique ways. For me, I thought, there was only one way to do it, but this idea is now gone! 

I don’t have a glue on what my creative life will look like or what it is I want to create. But I do know (at least in this moment) what it will not be: a long, hard process where I try to collect followers, build my “business” and keep it going forever even if I’m already burnout under it. No. For me there can not be any goals to achieve. I create this, BOOM, it's gone and the next one comes when it comes. Fast, simple, easy and fun! Here the idea came, loved and enjoyed the process and there it goes. Free as a bird! Not sticking or clinging into anything. 

So, I am in service in my unique way all the time. Let things, even creations, flow! Let them flow!

PAST IS NOW PAST

Few days ago I was listening to a podcast as I was walking and it seems that we have come to an end of an era that started in 2008. In this podcast the host was asking listeners to reflect all the way there and write down what has changed since then. Not so much outside, but inside. What he was saying was “write it down and then finally let the past, the old, go.”

My story with my other home, Gambia, started in 2008. First by meeting a person from there. I had never even heard about Gambia! This was also the time when I started my therapy. My inner journey started slowly. Gambia gave me the change to distance myself from the things I needed to heal and I felt so much freer there. Bit by bit, I was also able to “bring in action” my new ways of being. 

The old Saija was liked a lot, because she was funny, didn’t have any boundaries, she was pleasing others, she was not speaking her truth. She didn’t know how to put in words what she wanted. She was totally blogged with her feelings. Unconscious. She didn’t take that much responsibility for her words and actions, but made excuses for her behavior. Even blamed others. She did talk about others behind their backs. Gossiping too. She did put others' well being in front of her own and she did too much, because she wanted to prove to everyone that she is enough! She was doing and doing, being busy and didn’t have a glue how to stop! She didn’t understand that she was running away from the pain to doing, having a huge social circle and drinking alcohol. To mention a few. She went through three burnouts and depression period. In intimate relationships she surely knew how to hurt and sting. She took her shit into others. Her abandonment issues made it impossible to love her or create long lasting relationships with men. This trade also pulled in men who were broken and unavailable. There is sooooo much to add to this, but I don’t want this post to be only about the old Saija. 

I had no clue how much shit I was carrying and once you start to heal yourself it takes time and patience. It truly is like an onion and you have to shed all the layers to get to your true self. 

Broken people break people. That I have learned. I was broken, so for sure, I broke other people as much as they broke me more. So there it is. A very toxic circle that before 2008, I did run away from. 

So, bit by bit I was doing my healing work. Sometimes not even being conscious that it was so. But now looking back, all these years from 2008 have been about healing and clearing.

I don’t quite remember when it was that I came to the crossroads. This is the space where you can stay for years, even for the rest of your life. This is the space where it gets harder and harder. I was in my “love & light” phase without understanding that I was actually bypassing a lot of shit, by thinking that I just send love and light to all and all will be fine. 

My soul (Victoria) stopped me then. I still can hear her voice saying that now, things will get real. Now you have to commit yourself to this inner journey no matter what. You have to commit to yourself 100 % no matter what. Something in me said yes, even if it was scary. 

Oh my and after this commitment, I started to truly feel my emotions and I was faced with practice. It is not enough that you know your patterns and your toxic behavior, you need to bring your new awareness into action. I was tested (and I still am). For example: oh, you want to unlearn people pleasing? Cool! Let’s put you in situations where you have to practise this. Let people come to you and disrespect you BIG TIME and then we’ll see do you have the balls to put a boundary there and how long, how bad does it have to go, before you do.

So day after day, week and month after another, year after year I just kept on going. Faced with challenges where I had to practise being the person I wanted to become. Sometimes I failed badly, sometimes I succeeded greatly. This is how it goes. And actually I don’t believe in failures anymore, because without them, I wouldn’t learn. 

I am not the same person, I was 16 years ago. I am not the same as I was even last week! The transformation keeps going, because I am so committed to me and my healing. I have gotten a lot of shit because of this, but I don’t care. This is my journey. I have learned to be mercifull toward myself and that I don't have to be perfect. I am here to learn and unlike someone else, I am eager to learn. And not only learn, but change my ways of being. I am eager to heal and not afraid to do it. I am still very much committed to me and this is the most important thing.

I already told you guys in the last post who I am now and how I live my life these days, so I will not repeat it here again. All I am going to say here is that my focus is now on the new.

Because I still live in old circumstances it takes a conscious effort to let it go. I do it as much as I can and have mercy towards myself in those days, it can not be done. But more and more, I stay by myself, do my things, love my energy. Not settling less than I deserve. I think I came here to my old home town to let go of my past for good, so that I can move on with love in my heart. No resentment, no bitterness. All forgiven to all, including myself. So thankful for all the people and our history together. Without them, I wouldn’t be healed and free. Having this inner peace, huge wisdom, awareness, self love, self support. Being in charge of my own life. Not bowing to anyone, but respecting everyone for sure. 

Past is the past and there I leave it. Thank you. With all my love.

A NEW DAWN

Oh my, it has been such a long time since I have written anything! I"ve been through such a deep dive within myself that lately I was able to do only the basics. Eat, sleep, have a nap and watch Netflix. Sometimes not even Netflix! I have needed isolation: me time and being. Everything I thought I was has fallen away. Not only outside, but also inside. Who I thought I was, is no more.

Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are still around, but now I am fully in charge. No more "my guides said or my angels said". They might guide me and say things, but I am the one who voices it out, if I do, so all of it is now my responsibility. So no more hiding behind anyone. Human or spirit.

Things have been intense, I am not gonna lie! I am sooooo done with spirituality, lessons, learning, clearing, healing. All of that shit! It has been a fucking long road, 20 years to be exact, and now I feel like "CAN I LIVE FINALLY!?!?!?!" I NEED A BREAK!!!

Isolation forced me to be okey, from deep inside, with being alone. Being alone, but not feel lonely. If I was feeling lonely was, because I was missing "the old Saija" and the way she lived her life. This was all part of the prosess of letting go. You jump between the old and the new. 

Now, I rather be alone than in a toxic invironment or fake people. I enjoy it! The only thing that was fucking me up a bit was the heaviness of the over all energy. It was so heavy that it literally knocked me out and glued me to my sofa. 

BUT, without this heavy energy around me, I wouldn't have stopped. FULLY! My body just haven't had the energy to do anything else than be. And this, my friends, is such a blessing, even though very very uncomfortable! This heavy energy was pushing all kind of shit out of my inner system! 

I can hear people around me saying things like " I don't know how you can just be without doing nothing, I could never do it, I would die!" Yep, that's the fear talking. I know, because I used to be like this. It is not that you can't stop. You can't, because then all the things you have been running away from, will start to come up. And this is what you can't do. Face you! To feel! But you keep busy, I keep feeling (= healing). This shit is not for sheeps, but to lions!

It is so weird to me that the ex social butterfly has now become isolated butterfly. I don't like people in this moment. I love them, but I don't like them. I don't like how we treat each other and this earth. It's animals. The ammount of disrespect, hatered, uncivilized behavior, selfishness, unwillingness to grow, immature and egoistic behavior. No, I don't like people as much as I do love them.  

I like my own energy very much and so I stay connected to me and my inside world. My whole identity has gone through a massive shift! 

What was, is no more. I have become this intuitive self guided master Queen! It is hard for me to listen to anyone else than me and I always get huge anxiety if I do listen to energy updates or fucking angel messages. I have been wondering why, but now I understand that for me, all this is now in the past. I don't need these anymore to guide me or give me answers. I don't need to know what is going to happen. 

The new energy is about trusting myself, my gut feeling, my intuition, my inner compass, my emotions, my own navigating system. It doesn't make sence to anyone else than me and this is how it is supposed to be. I am not looking for validation outside of me, I don't need it. I am tired of spiritual teachings that keep me in a spiral of "there is something wrong with me, because my manifestations have not come true yet" -type of things. Fuck that!

I don't need anyone anymore to tell me what to eat or drink, how to dress, how to act, who to see. I listen to my body and how I feel and act upon this. I carry myself with such a huge integrity now and I don't need to please anyone else, but me. It is such amazing feeling when all the outside noice drops out and you can only hear you. And then to trust this! No more boxes or labels. Just me as a free soul guiding myself in this playground called earth! 

What I have learned in this inner deep dive is that sometimes it is not about me! SHOCKER 😂! It is about something bigger than me and that this force, what ever name you wanna call it, knows the best! It is fucking anoying, but it is what it is. If this force wouldn't have kept me so limited with outside things (money, clothes et cetera) I would have not been able to dive so deep in myself and let go of all I thought I was. For the past 2 1/2 years there has been very small or no outside distractions, so that I can let go of the old identety for good. Limitations are truly a blessing as fucked up as it is!

Now I am bit by bit learning to co-operate with this greater power. Not fight aginst it, but co-operate. This power and my soul are my guiding lights from now on. 

I have never had less then now. No money, only my daughter, no other family, no new clothes, no gym, no work, no car, no direction in life, no plans, no goals, NOTHING! The other day my friend asked me, if I feel poor now that I literally don't have anything and I said absolutely not! I actually don't! I don't even think about myself like that anymore! This means that after all this diving deep, it has guided me to my own inner richness! Without even realizing it, I have started to fill my own cup from inside! How amazing!

With this prosess everything has come energy. Grateful has it's own energy. Sadness it's own. Anger, manipulation, joy, peace. All of it, is energy. As I am learning to be this new person, I don't fake or force anything anymore. I live with the energies that are present in each moment. Sometimes it is anxiety, sometimes it is joy. Sometimes I feel thankfull, sometimes totally fucked up. I have understood that all of these energies just run through me and now I don't try to get away from them or try to force them. Let them flow! The only thing that stays no matter what and what truly is my foundation now, is inner peace. You can't shake that. It is forever present. Unshakeable!

I have been able to fill my own cup, because for the first time EVER in my life, I don't share my energy others. Before you could have taken everything from me and I would have whole heardedly give it you. I kept giving and giving. Money, stuff, my energy. Taking care, trying to save, listening, being a shoulder to cry on. But when everything started to fall away, all that energy was turned inside. I desided that I am worthy of all my attention, so that's what I did. 

This doesn't mean that I don't see my daughter or talk to my friend, but most of the time it was just me and I. Going through this phase in my life has made me respect myself to the roof! Why, because I know what it takes! How hard it is! How humbling it is. I am at aaaah infront of me. 

I have gone through such a huge metamorphosis that it is unspeakable! Only those who have gone through it know what I am talking about and how much courage it takes! I truly didn't think I will make it! I was sure I am going to die within this prosess! And who knows when I die, but right now, I am still here!

I am still bruised. I feel veryl vulnerable. I am tired. But I am here! 

I have given birth to this new identity and a new way of living! I don't have a clue how this is going to look like from now on, because this way of living is about trust, faith and intuition. It is not about plans, control, goals or busyness. You have to be okey with not knowing. The uncertainty. The surpricess. Now, I live in a moment. There is this deep deep peace inside of me and it can not be shaken. This my lovies is the true freedom!!!!  

This inner journey will continue as long as I live, but now it is a natural prosess and I don't have to think about it. I don't need to know every fucking thing, I don't need to know why. I just need to allow and keep FEELING! This level of trust I have now towards myself, is beond anything I could have ever imagined. I am open to learn, but I am my own guiding system. Guru if you will. 

It is amazing feeling to love myself as much as I do! It is so empowering to be guided by me! I trust that I will guide me forward to the next phase of my life! In my new life there is no "manifestation". Instead there is: "I don't know anything, but my intuition will tell me what and when, when the timing is right"! 

I have reset myself to a being, that I was so far away from. You know how the animals have this sense that something is about to happen and they run, before humans even realize something is going on? I have become this "animal like" intuitive being and it feel so natural and real! How far our fear based world had taken me from my true self!?!?! In this state of being, I just am. 

For me this is a new dawn! This takes away all the stress and what is left is living! Just pure living! What it will look like, who knows and who cares! I am free from all of the slavery of this world! I can not be put in any boxes or labels anymore! I am a free soul who came here to play! To create! To have fun! To thrive! To experience lifes full magic and surprices!!

A new dawn is here.