WHO

Workaholic. Completer. Perfectionist. Martyr. Controlling. Caretaker. Sounds familiar? Well, that was me. I have been working like crazy throughout my life. I kept myself busy, so that I wouldn’t have to stop.

I have always been very courageous with all my actions, but deep inside I was afraid of people’s reactions and comments. My self-esteem was so low that taking directions, advice or any kind of feedback always felt like a personal attack. I took them as a criticism and judgement: am I still not good enough even though I am trying so hard?

But let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

Hello my lovely souls!

My name is Saija Susanna and I popped into this earth and to Finland 56 years ago.

I was born as a first child in a time when my parents were very young and going through their own things. I was born with a condition that required instant care and operations. My life was at risk. You could say that I came to this world with a big bang! Fighting for my life, my right to be here, since the beginning. So, for the first months of my life up to one year, I was in and out from the hospital.

A few months before my two year old birthday, my sister was born. This shook my world. You could say that “I became a mom” at this age. Too much responsibility was given to me too soon.

At four years old, my mom and dad got divorced and my sister and I stayed with my mom and her new husband to be. A few years later my mom and my stepdad had a daughter, so did my dad with his new wife. Me and my sister were navigating between these two new families. 

Thank god we had our grandmother who lived in the countryside. We did spend a lot of time there. All summers and when school started, all holidays. We were surrounded by nature, animals and community. We get to drink milk straight fresh from the cows and we see kittens being born. We were always playing outside with my cousins and neighbours kids. We got to swim in the lakes and she made the best pancakes ever! We baked ginger cookies and crafted all kinds of things.

My granny was the one who introduced the world to me. We used to travel somewhere around the world for a holiday. Sometimes even two times a year. I got to see different people with different backgrounds and different cultures. And trust me, we made pancakes everywhere we went! The world was much safer then and there were no influencers anywhere! No mobile phones to distract us from life and from the present moment!

She was a teacher in a small village school, so I learned the value of reading, learning and finding information from her. These times with her were the happiest of my life.

I come from a narcissistic family line and line of men who are very very nice people pleasers. Especially when it came to their wives. We had sexual abuse in our family too as well as alcoholism and just over all very toxic behavior patterns that my parents were not able to break or protect me or my sister from. In my family we never talked about things, but they were always under the surface. 

I was bullied at school and later on, I became the bully.

In 1990 I made one of my dreams come true and I moved to America. I lived there for a while, came back to Finland and went back to America again. There I found out that I was pregnant. Me and the baby daddy decided to keep the baby and so I came back to Finland. My daughter was born in 1992. I was 23 years old. 

All these life events shaped me and the way I was living my life. I had so much anger inside, but was not aware of it on any level. I had co-dependency and abandonment issues. There was drama, gossip and trust issues in my life. I did drink a lot at that time, because it was something I grew up around. I thought it was normal. I think I did everything “a lot” at that time no matter if it was work or gym or something else.

I changed jobs and apartments quite often, because I got bored very easily. If life was too routine like for too long, I made some kind of change just to spice things up. I did like the fresh energy that a change brought with it. I also was very eager to learn new things and more about life. Staying in one place for too long blocked this learning process for me. I am very creative and active, so planning something new is part of who I am. I have a good sense of humour and imagination. I started to sing at a very early age in weddings and funerals and started to play violin when I was eight. Music was and is my passion. My dad and his side of the family are very musical. Unfortunately I allowed people close to me to kill this part of me. I haven’t found it back yet. 

Somewhere inside of me I have always had this knowing that conventional living is not for me. The more I tried to fit into the boxes made by others, the worse I felt. But for sure, I did try!

In my relationships with men there was always jealousy and control. Fights, blaming, guilt tripping, gaslighting, ghosting, anger, resentment, cheating and lying. But of course all relationships had beautiful things happening too.

I have gone through three burnouts and depression. I have seriously concided suicide a few times in my life. I always have had this "I don't belong here" -feeling and that has made me feel very alone. I hid all my insecurities under my strength. I was very closed off already at the age of five and I wouldn't allow anyone to hug or touch me for years.

I would have paid a billion to someone who could have seen how much agony I was in and how bad I was feeling inside. But no one did, since I was the biggest abandoner of myself!

In 2008, I still remember the day, I finally got to a point where I just knew that I could not go on living as I had been living. How hard is the question “Who am I?”, if the definition does not come from outside of us, roles and titles like daughter, mom, spouse or Sales Manager? Who am I then?

I was so lucky I found help at this point. Sometimes we are so deep inside our own shit that there is no way we can find the way out alone. Even the smallest things get huge and then we feel even worse. When I finally understood that I want and need help, THANK GOD, I was not told what I wanted to hear, but I found a person who was brave enough to “kick my ass”. As I am very stubborn, I didn't need someone who were people pleasing me, but a person who had the courage to tell me the truth and who was able to "force" me to look in the mirror for the first time in my life. Getting help was the biggest gift I have ever given to myself!

There are no short cuts or quick fixes when it comes to inner work. It takes time and patience as the old starts to unravel. So I took “the shovel” into my pretty hands and started the inner digging. It was time to take responsibility, fully, of my own life. 

The old patterns kept going still and they went on as long as I needed them to. The same issues kept coming back over and over again. Until I was finally able to break the circle. So just to let you know, if and when you start your healing journey, everything will not change in an instant. 

I soon noticed that in order to move on with my healing, I have to take some distance and space for myself. I decided to move, out of everything, in order to hear myself better. I made a big and bold decision. I left a good job with huge benefits, I rented my apartment and headed to the airport with two suitcases. I was going to go to Africa, Gambia. For how long, I really didn’t know. 

I was there for almost three years. What a life lesson it was! I had to question every belief I had about myself and all that I had learned so far in life about money, time, schedules, rules, personal space, respect, death and dying, sociality and so on. In Gambia I also was able to tab into my feminine side a bit more. It is not very supported in Finland, but here it was a natural thing. Here I started to learn how to set boundaries too, because the attention was sometimes too much.

In Africa no rules applied, it was so opposite from where I was coming from. Life was lived in a moment and the trust in life was a huge thing. It was so very new to me, since I came from a very strict and controlled country. Life was more relaxed and it was very hard for me as someone who was never late, who always did what was asked to and who always put others before herself. Sharing everything was a common thing and I was not used to that at all. I came from a situation where the only one I can trust was me. It was such an awesome learning process for me.

Since everyone always greeted me everywhere, I felt seen. In Finland this doesn’t happen. I started to wear colorful clothes, my body started to shape in a good way. The most wonderful thing was that no one cared what I was doing for a living or if I was wearing makeup or what size I was. For the first time in my life I got a glimpse of acceptance. I was accepted just the way I was. Amazing!

I have later realized that this time was a gift from me to me, because for the first time in my life I did something just for me. I took space and time just for myself.

This journey between Gambia and Finland ended up lasting for 15 years. Whenever I came back to Finland, my old history kicked me in the ass. So I faced as much as I could and travelled back to Gambia to have space to process and heal. And since I am a recovering completer, I started to complete the spiritual growth: “I would be perfect as soon as I changed this and then this and then that!” I literally overdosed spiritual teachings. But I think this is very normal actually. I was so very disconnected from my spirit, my soul and that's why "the hunger" for soul food was so huge.

In 2015 I became a yoga instructor. Not because I wanted to teach yoga, but because I wanted to find connection to my body. And now my body is my compass. She knows and tells me, if things, situations or people are for me or not.

Since 2022 I have been back in Finland. Again I have been facing some painful old shit, but this time I know, I will never have to do it again. Big big circle has come to an end. Nothing in this old environment triggers me anymore and even though I have taken my distance from my family and friends, always when we meet, I can be mature and polite. I can sincerely wish them all the happiness and blessings in life!

The hard and painful inner work has paid off since now I feel like I am in a space where I live my life from inside out. The fact that I can share very personal things here tells a lot about me. I have nothing to hide. I don’t play games and masks are off. I am proud of who I am and I don't have any shame for my past. I bless every person and situation I have been in.

You can laugh at me and criticize me, but now I understand that this has nothing to do with me, but it has everything to do with the person who does so. I don't take things personally anymore, because I know now that we are all just mirrors to each other. What you see in me, is in you and vice versa.

I have finally forgiven myself for not being a perfect mother, partner, daughter or employer and the acceptance towards myself is solid. Unconditional. I have forgiven myself all the hurt I have caused to others and I have forgiven those who hurt me. I don't know if I was broken, but my heart sure was. And broken people break others. I know this from my own experience.

Anyone who feels good in their own skin, won't ever hurt another living creature. This too I know from my own experience.

I am brave and big hearted. I am soft, but have clear boundaries. I stand on my own two feet and finally take full responsibility for my life. I have no guilt left. I have found out that happiness as well as love has many faces and that bliss is found in small things. I have full trust and faith in me and in life. I am clueless of what will happen next and yet I have this peace inside I never had before. I don't plan or control. Whatever is meant for me, will be. No fake positivity or affirmations are necessary.

My body and nervous system are healing at the moment and I am finally getting fully out of survival mode.

I have gain huge inner wisdom and this wisdom is something you can not learn from books. I have walked the talk and I am doing it every day. Not only becoming aware, but putting all of it in action too in my everyday life. I am forever learning from and about life. I am humble, yet not allowing anyone to walk all over me. I'm a reflector and I question everything, even myself. I am not afraid to apologize without excuses if I fuck up.

In my presence you will be seen and heard. No judgement, no comments. Just presence, full attention. Calendar, business or phone don't dictate my life, neither does social media or anything else outside of me. I have my back now and I will never abandon myself again.

I have gained the "goal" why I started my inner journey in the first place: unconditional self love.

With big hugs,

Saija 😇