Madam Freedom - Who am I

In Finnish: Madam Freedom - Kuka olen

Who am I? That's the golden question. I haven't meditated in a cave in Tibet, and I don't survive solely on green smoothies and positive vibes. I am Saija Susanna, a recovering perfectionist who finally chose freedom of mind and authenticity over performance.

I am 57 years old and you could say that I am in front of a new chapter in my life. To understand what I am talking about, we have to go back in time for a while. 

Workaholic. Overachiever. Perfectionist. Martyr. Sound familiar? Well, that’s what I’ve been. I have slogged away at work my entire life. I emphasize the word 'slogged', because it’s the only right word to describe the way I used to work. I’ve changed jobs and even apartments at a steady pace, just so I wouldn't have to stop.

I have been brave in my actions, but deep down inside, I have always feared people's reactions and comments regarding the choices I’ve made. My self-esteem was so low that receiving guidance, advice, or any kind of feedback was incredibly difficult. I perceived them as criticism and judgment; was I still not enough, even though I had tried so hard?

I hid myself beneath my 'strength,' and it never even occurred to anyone to doubt whether I would make it in this life. I was an 'iron rod.' I wouldn't let anyone hug me, and I didn't know how to hug back. Not even my own child. Relationships collapsed into arguments and jealousy, as my fear of abandonment made it impossible to love. Someone else was always to blame for my pain, and the way I flogged myself reached downright impossible proportions. Oh, how I would have paid a million, at times, if only someone had seen through my strong shell, realized my distress and my pain. But no one did, because my greatest abandoner was myself!

About 16 years ago, I still remember the day, I finally reached the point where I just knew things couldn't go on like this. What a difficult question 'who am I?' truly is. What if I am not defined by external 'titles' like daughter, mother, spouse, or regional sales manager? Who am I then? 

I was so fortunate that I found help at the moment when I finally wanted to stop. I would have never survived the situation alone. Sometimes we are just so deep in the heart of our own forest that there is no way we can find the right path out. Even the smallest things take on massive proportions, and the pain intensifies. When I finally realized that I needed help, I was not—thank God!—coddled, nor was I told things I 'wanted to hear.' The time for a pat on the head was over, and it was time to take responsibility for my own life!

I soon realized that in order to move forward, I had to distance myself from everything. I decided to completely tear myself away from it all for a moment, just so I could hear myself better. I made a big and brave decision. I left a good job with all its benefits, rented out my apartment, and headed toward Africa with just two suitcases. For how long, I had no idea.

That period stretched into nearly three years. What a school of life I ended up in! I had to question all my beliefs about myself, as well as everything I had learned up to that point: my attitude toward money, time, schedules, rules, 'personal space,' socializing, and so on.

In Africa, no rules applied, and life was lived one day at a time. It was an incredible learning experience for me—someone who was never late, had always done what I promised and then half as much more, and who, despite being social, craved my own peace and silence!

And most amazing of all, no one was interested in what I did for a living, whether I was wearing makeup, what I was wearing, or what size I was. For the first time, I experienced what it feels like to be accepted. Just as you are. Without demands. Incredible!

I returned to Finland in the early spring of 2014, and you can only imagine how the things I had 'escaped' to Africa kicked me right in the backside. There was nothing left to do but roll up my sleeves and keep digging deep within. The overachiever in me took over, and so I began to 'perform' spiritual growth. Surely I can still be made perfect once I change this, that, and that too! If I'm being completely honest, I think I went totally overboard with the whole 'spiritual' thing.

I have now been on my healing journey for about 16 years. Africa eventually became my second home, and for nearly 14 years, I lived between two countries.

The hard and even painful work has paid off, because I now feel I’m at a point where I live by listening to myself. The traumas, beliefs, conditioning, and fears have been processed, and I am now at peace with myself on every single level. I no longer run away from my dark side; instead, I accept myself as I am, in every way. And I no longer try to escape any emotional state. They are allowed to exist and to be seen.

I am in control of my own life, not what I have learned from others or what once happened to me. 

Joy has found its way back into my life, and it feels incredibly good. The main thing, however, is a massive inner peace and a freedom of mind unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. I have unlearned pleasing others, I have learned to set boundaries, and at the core of it all is my decision to step out of the victim role. I decide how I live my life, and I no longer blame anyone else for my emotional states.

The fact that I am able to share such personal things about myself says a lot about me. I have nothing to hide. I don't play games, and I don't try to pretend to be anything I'm not. People can laugh at me and people can criticize me, because that doesn't say anything about me—it only speaks volumes about the person doing it.

I have finally forgiven myself for not being a perfect mother, spouse, daughter, or employee. I have forgiven myself for all the words and actions I said and did from a place of my own inner pain.

From my own experience, I also know that everything that has happened to us is stored in the body. The body is like a safe, storing deep within itself all the emotions I refused to face. In that safe, those emotions then accumulate and fester. If you leave a loaf of bread on the table for a long time, it molds, doesn't it? This is exactly what our unresolved emotions eventually do as well—meaning the body begins to manifest symptoms in various ways.

That is why my own process has involved first clearing the mind and holding a funeral for the inner critic, followed by the healing of the body. Everything that I used to hide deep within my body was now allowed to rise to the surface. This required slowing down the pace of life, calming down, just being, and accepting all the pain.

The greatest love toward oneself is therefore to pause, be present with yourself, and truly hear what your inner being and your body are trying to tell you.

Now I know that a truly content person never hurts anyone, because in the end, who am I hurting? Only myself. Envy and bitterness are like a cup of poison that I drink myself, expecting the other person to drop dead from it. How much harm I did to myself with pointless self-criticism and low self-esteem. How I demanded perfection from myself and feared messing up. How much suffering we cause entirely to ourselves by listening to everyone else except ourselves. 

The only path to your own happiness is to listen to your own heart and your own inner guidance, regardless of what others say.

The hard and long path of healing is behind me, but it was worth it. My level of consciousness is at its peak, and truly maturing is incredibly liberating.

How wonderful it is to finally be my true, authentic self and this way, perfect enough! Little Saija has now been loved into wholeness. 

"I surrender to love. What a peace reigns within me. A knowledge beyond understanding."

With love,

Saija 😍