I AM A BOUREN

Yesterday I felt so intense. Something very big wanted to come out and be realised. So I allowed this intensity to be and this morning it saw clearly what it was. I am ready to realise a big wound in my family line.

Ever since I was born, I have felt like I was a burden to my mom. Not only because I was born, but also because I almost died in birth. Double burden! I was born in a hard life situation and the worry of me surviving, was a huge thing for my mom. And since I felt like I am a burden, I started to feel guilty about it. I felt like everything was my fault. So I started to make myself small because of this (but this is a different story). 

But this is not only my wound. My mom was a burden to her mom and her mom to hers and so on. So this "being a burden" goes a long way. Now I have the inner strength to heal this big wound that has been going on generation after generation.

I feel that all of us have felt like we are a burden to someone at some point in our lives. If we were too loud, if we were this or did that, we got beaten up or punnished.

Because of this wound, we learned how to be quiet, maybe lie, behave nicely, not causing any hussle. Because of this, we became small, tasteless, invisible, even sheeps. Or then we became egoistic, loud and selfcentered. Our selfesteem and selfvalue got broken and this is why we need outside validations like likes in FB or compliments.

This wound has everything to do with our throat chakra (speaking your truth), with our own inner power and with our own inner truth. 

So this "being a burden", is a big collective wound that is now being released. 

In a personal level, as I am getting ready to leave to my second home in Africa, I am facing this wound once again. I thought that I have already healed it, but no. There are still "left overs" in my subconcious mind that I was not aware of. Now they are coming to the surface to be released.

As I am packing and selling my stuff I have felt such a burden to the people around me. If I ask for help, I feel that I am this huge burden to them. And after I feel guilty. I need a space to my little stuffs and as I have been trying to find a space where to put my boxes, I feel like I am a huge burden since I am bothering people like this. And of cause, I have felt guilty because of this. My partner has to pick me up from Senegal and after, I felt like a huge burden once again. And.... yes, guilty for bothering him this way.

I also see that people get irritated because of my life choises. At first, I felt very guilty. Like a burden. But now I understand that what ever they are going through emotionally, it is non of my business. Maybe it is that their safetynet has been shaken by my life choises and it makes them question their own lives. Maybe they want to say no, when I ask for help, but are too shy to say it. What ever it is, it is non of my business. I have to allow people to feel what they are feeling. The most important thing for me, is to release this huge belief of being a burden to people.

"Love", says Victoria (my higher self). "Remember that this is not only personal. In the collective here in Finland and maybe even around the globe, there is this belief that you are weak, if you ask for help. Or that you own something to the person who helps you. So not only are you healing your own family line, but also the collective."

Wau, I didn't think about this, but it is true. I am healing a big wound over all!

"Isn't it so, that if your daughter needs help, you want her to learn how to ask it without feeling guilty or feeling like she owns something to the one who is helping?" asks Victoria.

For sure! I want her to feel free when it comes to asking for help. There is nothing wrong in asking for help.

"So you see, as you heal this wound in your family line, you are healing this in her too", says Victoria.

"Isn't it so, that you are not expecting anything from the people who you ask help for? Or are you", she asks.

No, I don't. If they can not help me, it is okey. I don't get mad or angry or bitter. This is my life and I have to deal with it, no matter how it goes. If I get help, I am gratefull for it, but if not, I will figure something else out. I don't want people in my life to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do.

"And this is how you release everybody", says Victoria. "By not expecting anything. You can never be a burden by asking. You only become a burden, if you have an expectation of the answer they give you. But just by asking, you actually teach them that it is okey to ask. It is okey to get help, this is why there are other people around us. But at the same time, when you don't have expectations, you give them the freedom to do what they feel is right for them in that moment. As you are free to answer as you feel and you allow this to you, you free others to do the same too."

This sounds great! I have realised that I am totally okey with my life choises. I live so not like others. I live through my heart. What ever it tells me to do, I will do it. Even if it doesn't make sence to me. I know that Victoria knows what we are supposed to do at each moment and she can see the bigger picture better than me or Roger (my ego). I am not attached into anything or anyone. I don't need safetynets like monthly salary or stuff. This might shake up peoples lives. And so they get irritated. But this has nothing to do with me. It is peoples responsibility to learn to say no, if they feel like saying no. It is their responsibility to deal with their emotions, but it has nothing to do with me.

I am here to live my life the way I feel is fit to me. Who ever wants to follow, they can and who doesn't, they don't have to. But I want to feel free to ask and allow them the space to choose. As I allow it to myself too. 

"This is huge wisdom you have, my love", says Victoria. "I hope that you could understand how brave you are by living this way."

I start to see it yes, and I am more then ready to heal this wound. It is time to let it go. I can never be a burden to anyone and I don't want others to feel that they would be a burden to me eather. 

So I keep on packing and selling my stuff once again and I allow this wound to be present as long as it needs to. I can not release or heal anything, that I am not aware of. And this is something that I am now very aware of. I understand now that by asking others for help, I am teaching them that it is okey to ask for help. We are all in this journey called life together and one of our missions is to help others. Sincerely. Without feeling like a burden or feeling guilty. Or feeling like I own something to someone who is helping. 

Uh, this was a big theme for this 11.11. day! But I am so happy that this is coming out now, because I know that every time something big is released, after I feel so much more in my power, in my center and in my truth. I allow myself to feel what I feel and allow others to do the same. 

No one is a burden. No one. Not even me!