Yesterday I went to get coffee from a coffee shop before my hairdresser and the salesman said: “so, one pensioner coffee?” I was in shock! I didn’t even know what to say! I am not in pension and I surely don’t look 65 years old. I am sure I look like my own age, but not 65!
I was like “what did you say, you think I am 65?!” And he got so emparrassed! He truly didn’t know what to say to me. He was just giggling nervously, but didn’t apologize! I felt awful and he was ashamed. Shitty situation for both of us.
I took my coffee and went outside. I sat on a bench and I allowed myself to fully feel this judgement that this world is carrying these days towards aging. I felt so very sad, like I don’t matter and that I would be better off dead already. This is the message the outside world is sending about aging. Stay forever young or die!
Ever since I came back to Finland I have realized that I have been struggling with my age. I always felt accepted in Gambia. I never even thought about my age, but here it is thrown to my face all the time! Everywhere! It is anoying and it is starting to be boring to me.
I also have felt old, because I have matured so much and when I look at the immaturity of the world, it for some reason makes me feel old. The collective energy is heavy and as an energetic person that makes me feel heavy and old. I am very sensitive to energies and they affect my looks also very much. So here in Finland my appearance always changes a lot.
When you meet someone they use sentences like: “in our age…”. I hate it and these days I also say it. Whatever beliefs someone else has about their aging, it has nothing to do with me. I don’t want to be part of other people's belief systems.
If you go to social media it is all about looks, “in this age” -messages and some fucking new labels (boxes) like “millenials”. We people are masters of creating these boxes that separate us from each other. Amazing!
There have been so many things happening and reflecting aging to me for the past few years and finally I stopped in front of this today. I still sometimes forget that whatever is beeing reflected to me from the outside, has nothing to do with the outside world, but it has everything to do with me.
How ever someone sees me has nothing to do with me. I am just reflecting their own view of themselves. People are so scared of aging and dying and when those fears are not felt and healed, it creates the reality that we can see in the outside world. I call this the “plastic era”.
All these beliefs about aging have never really resonated with me. I don't listen to how people "in my age" should exercise or what people "in this age" should eat. The world is full of ways to make money and aging is one of them, just like spirituality. This is also where all these beliefs come from. Well, I only listen to my unique body, because she is the only one who knows what we need and what is good for us.
So what’s going on then with me and my "aging"?
As Victoria (my soul) always says to me, nothing can heal or leave your system, before you are able to recognise it and become aware of it. When this happens, this healing and releasing is already happening. These days this process happens very naturally with me.
So today I got the clarity that there is a release of an old energy happening inside of me right now. My inner job is to allow this energy to be erased from my data finally for good. This will free me from "the age and aging box" for good. I will try to explain what I mean by this.
I want to separate this energetic release from my human side. As a human called Saija I am very okay with who I am and what I look like. I am also very okay with my age and my wrinkles. I don’t need to hide them or try to get rid of them. I am also not trying to be younger than I am. I have youthful energy inside and this is all that matters to me.
And I have to remind myself that the past years my body has been healing and this is why it has needed a lot of “being” time. This was self care and how I looked or if I gained weight because of this, it was secondary.
What I am talking about here is some kind of “inner setting” about aging that I have always had. It is something deep, I really can not even put it in words fully, because it is energy. Age and aging is a human thing, but this “old and heavy” energy is leaving my body and it is being replaced with something much lighter. Something limitless, timeless. This is part of becoming fully free. This is my soul breaking yet another “box” I have been put into.
So this is not about me not being okay with aging nor is it about any fear or belief about age, it is way deeper than that. This also isn’t about trauma. How I know it is because I don’t get triggered. I just feel sad and frustrated and this is only, because “age” is so limiting! And I am becoming limitless! Not only am I not defined by my profession, my studies, my roles, my sex and so on. Now this includes even my age!
My soul truly is limitless! It is vibrant, playful and really doesn’t fit into any labels or boxes humans have been creating. I am a soul called Saija and I came to this earth 56 years ago. It is as simple as that.
And as a soul called Saija who is limitless, I really don’t have time or interest to play these games of aging anymore. They seem like a waste of time for me and very very old, heavy and boring. Superficial. I have more important things to do. I have no interest in faking my age or anything about me for that matter. I really don’t care how people see me, because at the end like I said before, we see others as we see ourselves.
I might still need mirrors of “aging” as long as this constricted, very heavy energy, has fully left my body and that’s okay.
Now as I am writing this Victoria is whispering in my ear: “These mirrors help you to release this energy faster, so bless them. These people are the earth angels who are helping you with your inner process and inner release. The old energy has fully left your body when people stop commenting on your age or when you don’t feel anything anymore, if they do.”
I am amazed how this process is moving forward. After the last big squeeze in March, my body has been, bit by bit, releasing a lot of old energy and filling itself with new, ligher energy. How far from natural living I was and how deeply happy I am now that my ways of being here on earth are finally becoming so natural! Nothing outside is guiding me, only me.
I am a soul and a human called Saija and I am very grounded to this earth. I don’t fly high in the clouds or talk to my guides 24/7. I live my everyday life the best way I can in a very grounded way. I don't resist aging, paying bills or anything else I as a human am going through. And then I have this other part of me where all the wisdom lies and this magic keeps happening!
I am now an energetic being who has different kinds of energies inside of her like joy, magic, abundance, sadness, grief, anger, frustration, gratefulness and so on. Some days joy is present, some days it is sadness. I let all of them be and flow. I don’t try to change anything or fake anything. Just accepting all of these as part of who I am.
And so it is with this release I am going through right now. I allow it to happen at its own pace. Just very happy it is happening. This “age thing” started to get old and boring to me anyways đ!
