ON MY WAY TO FREEDOM AS A WOMAN

Yesterday I went to my twerk class and something happened. We were divided into groups of two and we had to walk towards the mirror with a sassy attitude. The song we were practicing was requiring us to do so. So we did. I was watching other two girls going before me and in that situation I didn’t really think too much. I just did my best and went along. 

But after the practice was over, I felt this energy. The energy of how repressed my feminine energy is and has been. I bursted in tears and my whole body was shaking. The fear was huge! It is like all the power from my body would have been taken from me. Other ladies were looking at me. Feeling what I was feeling and they also started to share how they feel the same. It was such a huge healing moment to the whole group! And what was the most beautiful thing was to be supported by other women! Not judged, no jealousy, but just support. 

After I got home I sat with this for a while and it hit me so hard how small I have always made myself so that others wouldn’t feel bad. How abused I have been as a woman. 

I have always been thin and I have always taken care of my body. Here in Finland femininity is not supported as much as it is in Gambia. We have a history of the independece war where most of the men were sent to the front. This meant that the ladies had to take over. So they had to take the roles of both women and men. This made them tough and there was no room for emotions or softness. This legacy is still carried among the ladies here. I know I have and maybe still do, but I am doing my best to heal this wound in me and find out who I am as a woman.

But here in Finland it is almost impossible to find any energetic support to this process. Here I am totally invisible to men or anyone for that matter. So I wear my yoga leggings and hoodies. In here I don’t really think about my femininity at all. In Gambia it comes to me more naturally. I wear skirts and earrings and I like it. Of course it has a lot to do with the weather conditions too, but somehow the African ladies are more okay with their bodies. The more juiciness the lady has, the better. Quite the opposite than it is here in Europe. 

I also remember when I was in India for six weeks doing yoga, I got interested in the behavior of these Russian women. They knew exactly how to use “the busy power”. These ladies were very aware of their feminine power and they knew how to use it for their own benefit. 

Today I realized how I have always made myself so small as a woman. How much I have been giving up my own femininity because I was scared that the men would abandon me. For sure, the sexual abuse I experienced as a young child, also plays a big role in this. This made me think that if I am sexy or men want me, it is somehow my fault. I should cover my sexyness, because then men wouldn’t have temptations. I have had insecure men who are scared to lose me, so I had to minimize myself. And of course, I have been very insecure myself. 

If I am totally honest, I still don’t know what kind of a woman I want to be. All I know is that it is not this. I am so tired of being a half man when this is not how I was designed to be. I was designed to be a gentle, wise, heart guided goddess. We women have such a power and this world looks like it does just because it has been led by broken, immature men. For too long the broken masculinity has been in charge. But now things are changing big time!

I am tired of mothering men. To always take the responsibility. To not feel safe. To feel like I am too much when I am with men. Not being really, truly seen or heard. I am tired that the men never ask me what are my dreams and what do I need or want. It has always been about them. Their vision of us and then expecting me to play along. And oh my god, when I didn't, then I was the one to blame. I was the reason for all the shit in our relationship. I am so tired of this!

Can you imagine that I am 53 years old and I have NEVER EVER felt supported by any man?!? I have never felt safe around men?!? It is so unbelievable!

As we women heal ourselves, we are becoming more powerful. We are stepping into our feminine essence and taking the lead. What we did except before, we don’t anymore. All the ladies who are awakening, who are doing their inner work, their healing, are bit by bit stepping into their full power. And this is going to change the whole world!

I will never ever allow any man to put me down, to manipulate me, to minimize me or to abuse me. I will not make myself small for anyone anymore. I am stepping into my feminine power and its essence bit by bit. I don’t know how it is going to look at the end, but I know the process is fully on. 

There is so much I want to learn on femininity, but I let it happen naturally without force. All I know at this time is that I am willing and open. I will not live this life with my heart closed, but fully open! I don’t settle for less than I deserve and I will learn how NOT to keep apologizing that I exist. 

No more suppressing my femininity! No more apologizing for my existence. It ends here and now. My goal is to become strong in my vulnerability. Showing emotions is not a weakness, but a great act of courage. I will keep on practicing my twerking, shaking my baggage (ass) and there will be a time and place for me where I can wear dresses all the time, if I want. I will find women, sisters, who will support me in this journey and men, brothers, who will do the same.

I am finding out who I am as a woman. I am very aware that I love myself as I am, but I can still learn more about self confidence and sassynes. Let this exciting journey continue. No matter what, I am an awakened woman on her way to her full power!

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME AND IT'S ALL ABOUT ME

I have noticed already for a long time that people take things very personally. I did too of course before. I had to heal and deal with my feelings of guilt, self esteem and many other traumas before I was able to start to practice not taking things personally. It is not easy, but at least I am getting better in my practice. 

What I mean by this… Well, let me give you a few examples, so you will get a better picture. By the way, it looks like I am stepping in to the stage more now and Victoria and Roger are taking the back seat in a way. At least they are more than happy to let me “talk” (write and share my truth). 

“You go girl!”, they shout!

So, let’s do this. 

As a native Finnish person, I have found out that when I say to my fellow citizens that Finland is not my place to live, so many take it very personally. They take it as a criticism even though this is not at all what I mean. I am not criticizing my home country, quite the opposite. There are a lot of beautiful things in Finland that I appreciate a lot! We have things so well here that we sometimes forget how things are somewhere else.

If there would be a foreigner who would say that they don’t want to stay here, it would be totally normal. No one wouldn't even think about it, but just accept that this is how it is. But for me, I should never ever say that this country is not for me. People get very defensive! 

The same thing happens when I take my distance from people I feel I need to take distance from. Some people think that I consider myself perfect and that all the others are somehow less perfect. People think that I judge when I am just distancing myself for my own reasons. 

And this is where I have to say: “It is not about me, but it is all about me!”
If you take things personally, you still have some healing to do. If I take distance it is not that I don’t love you, but for the sake of my own well being and healing, I have to do it. This doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with the country or the people, but it is all about energy!

What kind of energy Finland is carrying. Is it supporting my being or not. That’s what it is all about. Not that there is something wrong in FInland. When someone takes this personally and starts to act very defensive, I let it be. This is a trauma response and I am tired of explaining myself over and over again.

The energy between judging and reflecting is totally different. 

If I take my distance from someone, it means that something in their energy is not aligned with mine. That’s all. It is not personal. We are just in a different place in our lives energetically. If I feel that there is any disrespect, lies, masks or mean sarcasm for example, I take my distance and love you from a far.

For so long I have been settling in my relationships and because I am very loyal, I allowed things to get so very bad, before I left. Because I was a people pleaser, it was easy to manipulate me feeling guilty. This has been so toxic to all of us! In these situations, I got angry and upset. These situations changed me into something I was not! It is not who I am or who I want to be and I hated it when I turned like this. 

The more I started to love and respect myself, the more aware I became of the energies around me. Let it be people, places, cities or even countries. I feel everything more than ever and this makes me avoid crowded places or other situations that are too much for me to handle. 

So if I tell you that Finland is not for me, this has nothing to do with criticism. It is just some energy here that is not supporting my growth and makes me feel small, so eventually I will be located somewhere where this can happen. If you take it personally or as a criticism, you have some healing to do. 

Same goes with people. I truly love all the people I have distanced myself from and I wish them nothing but the best. But. The first person I have to take care of is me. No one else will. So I distance myself and this is nothing personal. This is all about me and what is best for me. This also doesn’t mean that we can never be together, but the energy gap that is there right now, has to get less first. That’s all. 

When you start to work on yourself, when you start to do your inner work, your energy starts to shift. Of course. I am not the same person I was before. It is impossible. So the energy gap between the old and the new gets bigger. 

If I behave disrespectfully, then for sure, it is about me. But these days, I don’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone. It is nobody's fault. There is no blame or anger. We are just different and in a different place in our lives. So I just withdraw myself and wish all the best for all parties. 

So as you can see, it is not about me, but it is all about me. When things happen in my relationships, there might still be a split second that it stings, but very very quickly, I remind myself that it is not personal. It is not about me. Any reaction that we get, we personally have to sit with it and ask ourselves why did I react this way? I always do, but I can not control if anyone else does. So I keep practicing “not taking things personally” and allowing others to react as they do and take responsibility for their reactions. 

Just reflecting, not judging. Just taking care of myself, not criticizing anyone. Just taking my distance, not abandoning. Just doing me, as you do you. That’s all. I will NEVER EVER again sit in a box that somebody else defines for me. No no. No matter how uncomfortable it might make you feel. I am here to live my best life and only I can know how it looks like and how to create it. And this part, is all about me!

AM I A WEIRDO

I just came out of McDonald's. I Had a nice burger as I was sitting in the sunshine. To have this kind of a nice weather in September in Finland, is not that common. But I will enjoy as long as it lasts. September is anyway one of my favorite months here. Beautiful and fresh!

As I was sitting there with my burger, I started to think about all the restrictions that the spiritual world, well the world in general too, teaches us. Don't eat burgers, don't eat meat, don't smoke, don't drink, don't drink coffee, don't have chocolate, don't eat donuts. Don't don't don't. Somehow I have never related to these restrictions.

I am a spiritual person. I am a yoga teacher. I am NOT a vegetarian. I do drink every now and then and I do smoke two cigarettes every day. I eat meat sometimes and I do enjoy nice chocolate when ever I feel like it. I have always been this way. 

I think that as we are searching our true essence and we lean on for help, we start to forget a little bit our own likes and desires. We start to listen to our teachers and we start to copy their way of living. We truly think that this is the only way to be and live. Following blindly to someone else's ways, takes us further and further away from our own truth. 

Yes, I am a spiritual being. As long as I breath, I am a spirit. What we tend to forget when seeking salvation is, that not only are we spirits, but we are HUMAN! We are here to have a FULL human experience with our spirit guiding us. This for me means that all that I see in this world are a gift to me. All is here to teach me something about myself. All these different things are like tools to get closer to my truth and authenticity. For me this world is like a huge playground with different things and situations to play with. 

If my soul mission in this world would be a total enlightenment, then I would probably move to Tibet with the monks and sit in meditation for hours and days. No problem. But, I don't think that this is my goal in this lifetime. More it is about finding my true essence, my authentic self and enjoy this human experience to it's fullest! I want to be aware and I want to aim for a higher conscious. But at the same time, I am fully grounded to my human essence. 

If we are dealing with any addiction like behavior, well like my smoking before, I think we have to check behind the addiction and find out the root cause of it. This is why I have been sitting with myself and asking "why do I still want to smoke"? Before the reasons might have been different. It was a tool to help me deal with the inner turmoil that I was going through. Smoking helped me when I was feeling anxiety or anger or stress. I definitely smoked more when having those emotions. 

Smoking also was part of my social life. It was a habit that I adapted since I was a kid from my surroundings. I got used to it. Basically everybody was smoking! So it was obvious that I would start too. Smoking made me badass in the school. 

So here are few reasons for my smoking. During my inner journey I have sat with this many many wonderful times! Why I feel guilty if I smoke? Why should I stop? Is there still a part of me that isn't healed and I need smoking to avoid something?

After years of inner work I now make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to smoke. The energy behind smoking is now different then before. I enjoy it. Smoking my evening cigarette is my meditation. It grounds me very well. I like my few cigarettes as much as I like my chocolate. The amount of cigarettes are less then before, maybe two to three a day and I am very aware of the health issues that is said it causes. 

But for me, the way I think is "anything done with joy and without guilt, can not hurt you". If you have sat with your addiction and with this behavior, if you have dived deep into the root causes of your addiction, if you have asked yourself why I do what I do, then I am sure that you will do it less, even if you keep doing it a bit. You have now changed the energy behind the addiction. IF you keep on doing it, then you are making a conscious choice and take full responsibility of this action. 

I truly believe that when things are done out of pure joy and enjoyment and consciously, nothing can not hurt you. Our bodies are so very wise and you will FEEL, if something is not good for you. 

I don't want to live my life with too many restrictions or doing constant researches. Too much information takes the joy out and replaces it with fear. If I feel like having a burger and meat, then I have it! It is not like I do it all the time, but sometimes my body is saying: "Hey, enjoy life! I need the meat now!" Or my cigarettes. I enjoy them fully and with all my heart! 

So be bravely you! Listen to you! Listen to your body, your soul! Take the advices you feel resonating with your truth and leave the rest. Get conscious of your behavior and from this place, enjoy the human experience fully! With all it's beauty and colors! We are NOT just spirits (spiritual), we are also human and us humans, we are not meant to be perfect, but perfect enough!

Be the weirdo you came here to be! I am and I am so very proud of it! 

WHAT THE FUCK

Yesterday was so fucking intense! Oh my god! Anxiety, frustration, anger and a lot of crying! It felt like I just couldn’t breathe! This ongoing process of breaking old inner records (old stories) and practicing allowing instead of forcing. Living in a flow is much harder than you think! And Roger (my ego) doesn’t like it at all! He gets so upset and angry.

“Why the hell don’t I have a say in anything anymore?! What the fuck!?! I know what we don’t want and I know at least some of what we do want, but there is nothing I can do?! What bullshit is this?”, he shouts. 

He is sooo very angry and frustrated! And Victoria (my soul) just keeps quiet and allows Roger to shout and scream. She doesn’t want to argue with him, because she knows that it doesn’t help. Me and her, well, we just have to allow him to feel what he feels, but it is not easy. Especially not for me.

I just sometimes feel like I truly need a break! That I am exhausted and out of this world! I can not see people and I can not go out. I can not explain this to anyone who is still living in “the old energy”. Trying to explain just makes me more tired and people misunderstand me anyway. This inner battle and learning this new way of being is a fucking hard job!

“I know love”, says Victoria. “You see how conditioned you are to controling things. This is a coping mechanism you learned ever since you were a baby and now it is all about allowing and being. Only acting when I tell you to. I am sorry it is so hard on you and Roger.”

I am very sensitive to the energies around me. Even more so now when my essence gets lighter and “the old mud”, meaning the traumas and fears, are clearing out 24/7. I can feel straight how I feel around someone or if I am in a wrong place. I am still in my home town close to my past. This already is very hard on me. But. Then there is the fact that I am in Finland and here the energy is very much misaligned with me. And I feel this! I feel this so strongly and it is getting harder and harder for me to just be here without any answers. 

And when Roger is sensing this, he wants to take over! He can see how much I cry and how unhappy I am here and so he gets very upset that he can not help me! He just wants to crap me and take me away somewhere where I could feel a little bit of ease and peace. And when he can’t, he gets so frustrated and angry! He is like a little child who has a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants! 

Well, this only shows how much he loves me! He just wants me to be happy!

“I fully understand this”, says Victoria. “We both want you to be happy and for us both, it is heartbreaking to see you so sad and lonely. But I am asking you both to trust me that I will guide us forward as soon as I can! I am not keeping us here just because I want to, but there is a bigger picture here that you and Roger can not see. But I can."

"All I am asking is for you two to trust me that I am doing my level best as I am organizing our future. This is not a small thing! We are just not going on a holiday, but we are changing our whole life in a brand new way and this takes a bit more time than just a move to a new house or getting a new job.”

Me and Roger sit in silence and of course we know that she is working very hard in cooperation with the Universe to make things happen. 

It is just hard on both of us and especially when I am in a situation where everything is so misaligned with me. 

“Well, the good thing is that the more Roger can let his anger and frustration out, the better and you my love, the more you can observe his feelings instead of reacting to them, the better. It will clear out much faster. This is all just a release of the old conditioning”, says Victoria. 

“I know this is a hard place for you to be, my love, but please try to hang in there! I promise that when we finally get to go, the past is in the past and we can have a fresh start”, says Victoria. 

I want to trust on this and I do. It is just that I feel like a beautiful sunflower without water. The more time goes by without the water, the more gray I become. I lose my joy, I lose my light. My vitality. It is just a simple truth that what ever energy you are in, it eather supports your being and brings out the best in you or well, not.

I hate these old beliefs that we have been told like: "when you love yourself fully, it doesn't matter where you are, you will feel happy." This is such a bullshit! It doesn't work like that! All is connected to all, meaning our surroundings, the people in your life, what you do, being part of something, feeling meaningful and I matter, it is all connected to our human essense. All of this has an energy behind it and it is eather aligned with you or it is not. And if it is not, you will feel it!

Let's say you are in a working environment and you FEEL bad every day. You cry in the morning when you have to go there. This is misaligment and there is NOTHING else you can do then to leave eventually. Same thing happens with people, places and countries. They all have their unique energy and you will feel if it is right for you. It is that simple!

So everything matters and if I would try to force myself "to be happy where I am", it would NOT be authentic, but more like a mental rape! And I want to mention, that I do have good days where my inner peace is more present. When Roger is more at ease. Within those days I can see the beauty of the nature and I can fully feel the fresh air. But. Still. In the back of my mind there is this nagging feeling of "I don't belong here". It just is. And now I have accepted it, instead fighting it and trying to "fit in".

I truly love myself as I am! I have inner peace and acceptense to where I am. I am not fighting the situation or trying to force things to change, but I am also very aware that I am NOT in a right place or among right people. I am NOT in a situation or in a place that supports my growth or my being. Just like I would know how I feel when I meet someone whose energy is hash or even violent. I wouldn't hang around this kind of person for long!

So, as we can see, all the beliefs that I have addapted from spiritul circles or otherwise outside of me, has to go! Only I can know how I feel and only our crew can guide us out of here when the time right.

"Sometimes it is not even about us, but about the collective movements. Sometimes there are bigger forces working behind the scenes and then we come to the frase of "divine timing". You are doing your best, so let go of "being perfect" or "a good girl" and be a mess! It is totally fine!", says Victoria.

She is right. What can I do. It is what it is. Even though Roger has his fits, Victoria is in charge and no matter how much we want to fight this situation and move on, we can’t. Not yet.

Oh, I just wish that I could get a break. A holiday without a care in the world! 

But our team keeps on going. One minute at the time. One hour at the time. We came here for this and I know I can do this. Let it be hard then. Let it be lonely. I will get through this and one day, to my surprise, Victoria will whisper directions to my ear and I will know what to do. Until then, we breathe. We can have our fits and frustrations. Or a good cries. It is all okay. We are creating our fairy tale from INSIDE OUT, not outside in and learning new ways of being is not easy.

One day, Ins Allah, our patience will be rewarded! This is how it looks like when we are creating a new world. More loving, more human, more authentic. The old doesn't die easily without a fight, but it is dying. Slowly, but surely!

LETTING GO AGAIN AND AGAIN

I can feel how I am struggling to write! It has been so long since I have written anything anywhere and now I feel like I really want to do it, but nothing is coming out. So I sit, I feel the frustration and I sit again. I wait, I allow all the feelings to come out. I keep looking at the computer and Roger (my ego) keeps nagging to my ear: "You should forget about it and go out! You need fresh air, not this!" 

But Victoria (my soul) wants me to sit. To be. And allow all the emotions to run. I even feel like crying, so frustrating this is! I sometimes hate the fact that I can not force ANYTHING any more!

“Love, this is so understandable! But now you are learning how to flow. How to allow. How to lovingly poke your creativity. It doesn’t really matter what you write, as long as you write. And can you see, once you just are present and let your fingers fly over the keyboard, words just start to come out!”

That’s true! I can not believe this! Suddenly, the words just start to flow! Oh, how nice this feels! So let it flow!

Today I want to talk about beliefs that we adopt from others. I let this belief go and then I read something from social media or hear it from someone else and BOOM! Another belief has become part of my system!

Long time ago, I was following this one couple who I was looking up to. They were the forerunners of mine and I read the blog they kept too. I loved the writings! They resonated with me and helped me a lot in my own journey. There were some writings that made me and Roger think. Are things like this blog “old”? Is coaching others “old”? Are spirit guides and angels “old”? And so on. And by old, I mean old energy. Old way of being.

Victoria, what do you think about this?

“Well, this is the challenge with the spiritual “teachers”, she says. 

And before Victoria continues, I want to mention that this couple I was following were NOT spiritual teachers, but just genuinely sharing their inner journey, their wisdom and experience with others. 

Normally when people start this inner journey, their healing, we need teachers. I know we needed all kinds of teachers to help us in the beginning and still along the journey. Connecting to your heart and soul when you have not done it consciously ever, is all so new and scary. And this is why you might need guidance and support in order to know about all the methods that are available. You might need a therapist, like we did. You might need books, courses, retreats and so on and this is totally okay. 

But there comes a time where you have to be brave enough to let go of all teachings of others and learn how to stand on your own two feet. Meaning that you start to learn how to trust your own feelings, your own intuition and your own heart. And this, this is unique! This is something you can not learn from anybody else. This is the period where you become your own guru!

So basically, all the teachers and methods have been teaching you how to connect with your true self and once you have learned this, you start to practice on your own and you can finally let go of any outside influence. This way there can not be any gurus that you would blindly follow without questioning anything. At the end there is only one way for you and that is based on your journey and your own inner guidance.

We need all kind of guidance, because we are all in different stages in our soul journeys. Someone will not even start their inner journey in this lifetime, some will stay in a certains stage and this is why we have all kinds of teachers.

But. The new way of "teaching" is sharing. This means that you are sharing your journey, but not claiming that this is the only way. Instead you share what you feel, so that others can relate, maybe learn, maybe feel supported and most of all, learn that they are not alone. It is NOT about teaching, but sharing the awakening experience."

I love this! I needed to hear this today, because to be totally honest, even though I don’t spend time on social media that much anymore, I still hear the words or remember the texts of others I used to follow. I can now clearly see that I have been adapting some beliefs from these people and now I have to let them go! Whatever feels good and right to me, then that is good and right for me, no matter what others do or say. 

This surely is not easy, because how often do I feel like I am doing something wrong when things are feeling “stuck” or not going the way I want them to go and then it seems like everybody else seems to have everything figured out! How frustrating!

“Love, what is happening is that you are just letting go of control, still. Roger NEEDS to know and when I am not ready to give answers, he freaks out! He is doing so much better, but can you see now how deep these control issues go! It has been the coping mechanism for soooo long and now, it just doesn’t work anymore for you”, says Victoria. 

I know this and I am doing better in relaxing at the moment. I am doing better in trusting and knowing that things will be okay. But I can see and feel that even though I am NOT acting on wanting to change things, I really really would like to take control! 

“Can you believe me when I say that the less you think you know, the better! The best advice I can give you right now is a mantra: “ I don’t know anything!”, Victoria laughs. 

Of my. What the hell?, I laugh! 

“Yes, this is what “letting go of control” looks like. This is when you truly trust me to guide us. This is when Roger surrenders and allows me to fully take the lead. You will know when I will guide you, but before that, you practice surrendering, letting go of control and trusting. And most importantly, letting go of anybody else’s doings or teachings! 

How I guide you, is by feeling. By gut feeling, by intuition. When there is something I need you to know, if there is a move we have to make, trust me, I will be so loud, you can not miss it!”, she laughs. “Until then, relax!”

I guess in any situation, even this one, has a lesson in it. Uh, I am sometimes so tired of these lessons, but what can I do? I am here to learn. Learn how to become a powerhouse, a heart centered woman who listens only to her heart, her soul. I am here to learn how to love and trust myself and only myself fully. I am here to become the master of my own life! 

And I think strongly, I am on my way 100 %!