ISOLATION HAPPINESS

For the longest time I have had this feeling of "not belonging" anywhere. I mean I have friends and family of cause, but somehow my lifestory is being the outsider. I am very very sure that there are many of us who don't seem to fit in or have this feeling of "not belonging". 

I resisted this for the longest time, so I tried and tried. I hanged on to my old life like my "life would depend on it". I called, I suggested dates, I made the affort. Sometimes it did work, sometimes not. I always had the time, but people are living busy lives and so the calls and the meetings got less and less. 

Until finally, I desided to let go. Fully. I was thinking that the people who really care and in whose priority list I was in, would definitaly contact me. I basically stopped forcing any connections, I stopped glinning and attaching and just let go. 

And it got silent. For sure, I got calls every now ant then, but there was only one person left, who really made the effort, always had time for me and everything between us is somehow so easy and flowing. It is so natural.

Well anyway. At first I felt so alone. I was in Finland where I didn't feel comfortable and now, I didn't really have people with who to build my life here. As we all know these last years have been quite intense for all of us, so I felt like I was left alone in a fucked up situtation where I would have needed support. Until.

I saw one of my acquaintance and we had a Shaman Drum healing session. Oh my god, how powerful it was. She could see this wound of deep deep loneliness that I have been carring ever since I was born. Even in my past lives. I don't know what happenned in that session, but that deep deep feeling of aloness just disappeared! It was so strange at first, because this "not belonging" had been such a big part of my personality and now it was gone!

I was fine! I was okey being by myself! Actually, I even prefer it! How cool is that!

And then I understood why I have had this feeling for so long. It is only after I had cleared a lot of old shit that I could truly start to get to know "the new me". In a deeper level. This can not happen, if I am busy and always surrounded by lot of people. And the crazy thing is, I am now very okey without people!

I love my own energy! It is light, I love the joy that I have inside of me and I love the way my soul and body are guiding me everyday! Sometimes I am tired in the morning, but I try to force myself for a walk. So I dress, I go outside and pum! My body is like "no, not now, maybe not today" and I have to turn back inside and back to the sofa. I love just being and watching the trees from my big windows. I love the slow way of living without any schedules to follow. How happy can a person be just by lying on the sofa under a warm blanket!

I am so happy for this isolation, because I know this is what I need right now. For the first time, I am putting all my focus on me without any distractions. Why I felt so alone and had this feeling of "not beloning" was, because I was not giving enough attention to myself! I was always looking for this feeling outside of me while it was always already here, inside of me!

I found my way home, to me and ever since, there has not been this feeling of "not belonging" anymore. I belong, because I was born here on this earth! If and when there will be people in my life, they are just a beautiful extra in my life, but there are no attachments or expectations what so ever!

It is so beautiful when I surrendered to this phase in my life, to this isolation, how much my inner peace has grown! I know that what ever is meant for me, will find me and will come when it is time. This isolation that has lasted for so long with only few people in my life, has been needed. 

I am in a state where I am bit by bit discovering "what is my purpose". Why am I here on earth. Before and yet still now, my purpose has been healing and clearing. Bit by bit I am, however, starting to get courious about passions. I have lived a life dictated by others, but now it is my turn. I am taking the wheel of my life and I am the only one driving. I don't care what others say or think. Let them.

I know that I am living a very different life than my busy friends. My goal is not to be busy, but to create. My goal is to take very good care of my inner peace. I don't have time for drama or conflicts anymore. My goal is to take it easy and enjoy my life more. My goal is to have more fun and do more of those things that I love (as soon as I discover what they are 😂). Well, I guess at least I know what I don't want and that is a good starting point. 

As this isolation goes on and this "digging deep" moves deeper, I start to understand the quote: "everything is already inside of you". This is such a new thing for me still. From inside out, I know this and yet, I did still look the answers from outside of me. 

Well, this is a new thing and so I keep practising. I am eager to learn more about me and "how can I fill my cup". I understand now that I needed to empty my inside in order to get to know me. Everything everything happens first inside, before it can manifest in a physical form! This requires patience, courage, time and isolation. 

This world feels heavy, but in my own space, I feel lighter and peaceful. So sometimes I go out, sometimes not and now all of this is okey. I allow people and things come to me and I want this to happen naturally. Sometimes I am availabe, sometimes not. 

It is okey to let go, this is life and letting go is part of it. I want all my relationships be like they would be "the birds in the palm of the Universe": If you allow them to fly free and they love you, they will always come back. Not by force, but because they want to, by free will with support and commitment". That is what unconditional love is. It is based on trust, truth, effort and loyalty. 

For now, I am enjoying my isolation phase fully! I am very excited to see where I am heading. Allowing life to be a mystery, I actually get more excited then if I would go mountain climing. I am this important to me! All I know right now is that this phase is needed and that I will be moving soon. Oh yes and that I love music and writing! 

For me, this is quite enough right now! What next minute, next day or week will bring, let it stay a mistery and let me be surpriced!

ENERGY LANGUAGE

I am so fascinated about energies. I have been aware of different energies for a long time and yet I feel like I have only touched the surface. I am eager to learn more! The more I clean my inner being, the more energies I feel. How cool!

You know the feeling when you enter the room and straight away you can sence the atmosphere? This is how sensitive we are to energies without being fully aware of it! Everything and everyone effects us a lot, because everything and everyone has their own unique energy. I call it "the energy language". 

Every country, every city, every person has their own unique energy language and now I want to share something personal. 

Today I want to share a personal picture that shocked me when I made it. The difference is so huge. This picture is a perfect excample of the energy language. What happens when the energy language is aligned with your own. You will find the picture little later on the text. 

So, as you know, I was born and raised in Finland. The country of the Santa Clause and the country where they say are the happiest people in the world (I am sorry, but this is a statement I am questioning big time 😂). 

As I started to go deeper into my traumas I realized that I need space from Finland and my home town. Basically from everything here. Not, because I was mad or because I was blaiming anybody, but just for me. To have the energetic space to feel, heal and spend time with myself. 

So I headed to Africa and for sure, not only healing, but to learn a lot of new skills that I didn't have before. This invironment forced me to learn relaxation, letting go of control, to set boundaries. Bit by bit I started to come more feminine. Specially later in my years there (since I have been there on/off for 14 years), I started to enjoy my feminine features more. 

This space from Finland also gave my soul a change to expand! I found so much new features from myself! Finland has a very limiting energy that keeps my soul very contracted. Finnish people carry a lot of shame and guilt and we are taught from a very small kids not to keep noice, to be humple and if something good happens, don't "brag" about it, but keep it to yourself. 

When everything is very controlled, it takes the joy out of life. The busy lifestyle that we have here doesn't leave any room for relaxation. You have to do do do all the time or you are a very bad person. I am sure that this mentality will be found from other countries too, not only Finland. 

Africa is about hassling, but somehow the energy still is different then here in Europe. When I was walking in the streets, I can say that everybody greets you. So you are seen! Even the strangers give you compliments and again, you are seen. This does boost your selfconfidence. No matter what anybody says, my own truth is, that the outside world HAS TO support your own being energetically and this makes you shine, expand! You can love yourself fully, like I do, but when the invironment doesn't support this, it is hard. To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable here and this has nothing to do with my self-esteem or the love that I have towards myself. I just don't fit into this energy, period.

Now, I want to make it very clear that I am not writing this to put Finland down and Africa up. No no. This is about me! This is about the energy language of these two countries. This is about my own energy language that has changed so much after a lot of healing. I have just outgrown the energy language of Finland. That's all. This is not a judgement towards the country I was born in and also this is not a statement that life in Africa is like a paradise! There are good and less good features in both!

This is about becoming aware of what suits you. What energy language you feel the most aligned with. 

Now, I will show you the picture. This is what happenned to me physically when I left Finland in 2019. I was 51 years old. I went back home to Africa in March after being in Finland about a year. It was just before the covid. The picture on the right side was taken about two years later, so I would be 53 years old. I was shocked when I saw the difference. This is what literally happens when the energy language is a match with yours!

To be honest, I started to cry when I saw this picture. It gave me so much understanding about how I feel when I am in Finland. I was trying and trying and trying to fit in and feel alive here. I seriously though that there was something wrong with me, because I can't.

It is very dangerous when in spiritual circles we use quotes like: "when you can be happy where you are, you will be happy anywhere" or "be grateful for what you have" or "life happens for you, not to you". OMG, these frases make me so angry, because for me this is total bullshit! What a fucking mental rape it is to say something like this to someone when they are experiencing something heavy in their life! We really really need to break all the old spiritual boxes and understand that we are energy and we have our own energy language! And some people, places and countries support your energy language more then others! 

When you are aligned with your own unique energy language, gratefulness and gratitude comes naturally. It just happens! You don't have to force it. When you feel your heart is singing, how can you not be grateful? In those moments, I surely don't take nothing, absolutely even the smallest thing, for granted!

My authentic truth at this very moment, here in Finland is that I am at peace with the situation and not trying to force things to move forward, but am I happy? No fucking way! I want more! I want to shine! I want to feel lighter! I want to laugh and bring the woman in me outside to play for everyone to see! I am loud, I am emotional, I have fire and fuck! I need more energetic space!

So, even if this picture made me cry, because at the moment I do look like the lady on the left side (not a critism towards myself, just a fact), it also gave me a huge feeling of relief! It finally hit me that no matter what I would do here, even if I would stand on my head for days, the energy that I need to expand, can't be found here. I finally stopped forcing myself to this energy mode and gave myself permission to leave. To live somewhere else. 

So, the lesson of this writing I guess is, that everything around us effects our being big time! Choose wisely! If I wouldn't have gone to Africa for a holiday long time ago, I would have never ever had the experience of how much my own energy can change and expand! Thank god I did! 

Ps. This expandion in your energy language happens for example, when you go for a holiday. Isn't it so that on a holiday you are more open, free and relaxed? And can you imagine, that this expanded version of you just might be who you truly are! Just saying... 

I know that eventually I am heading towards energies that support my soul and my being and for that I am so happy. And yes grateful too 😍😅!

OH MY GOD!

As I am continuing my own unique journey, I for sure, am breaking all the boxes I used to believed in. Freedom to me is a state of mind and finally understanding that no label can define my soul. I just am me. All of me. Period.

You can call me sister or wife, but deep inside I am free from those labels. I am a soul who came here to play with other souls no matter what label we try to put into ourselves. Freedom.

You can say I am Finnish, because I was born in Finland, but deep inside I know, I was born on earth without borders and that the whole world is my playground. Not just Finland, but the whole world. Freedom.

Because I went through a yoga teacher training, you can try to put me in a box called yoga teacher, but to me, it is just another skill on my tool box. It was another way to get to know my soul. Freedom. 

I believe in some bigger force, let's call it the Universe. I don't belong into any religious movements, because my religion goes beyond human made institutions. Mostly, I believe in myself, so I can believe in others. Freedom.

All my human life (or lives), there has been institutions that are controlling us in so many ways. Coverments, religions, families, race, cultures and so on. Today religion came to my mind, because my grandmother was quite religious and I remember we even went to Sunday school with my sister as a child. For some reason I never could really relate with any form of religion. I did feel peace and somehow more connected to some bigger force when I was in church, but something in me knew that I don't need to put my spirit into a box named by someone else. 

All religions are, at the end, based in fear and they are man made. Based in control. Don't do this or that or you will go to hell. If you think differently or you dare to question anything, you will be abondned. If you don't believe as we do, there will be a war. Women don't have the same rights as men and the priests are misusing their positions. Even cults are formed based on Jeesus or God. 

This is not for me, because the way I see it is that god is love and love doesn't control with fear. It doesn't demand anything, it just is and accepts everything and everyone just as they are. What I have discovered is that I am god and so are you.

Genesis 1:27 says: 

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

As I am freeing myself more and more, I have to break the box of religion too. Religion is too limiting when the Universe is everything. Freedom.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a judgement towards any religion or religious movement. Everybody has a right to have their own beliefs.

It is just that for me, it doesn't work, because as the sentence above says very clearly, we are the images of God. We are it!

And this is something we have forgotten. We are giving our own God abilities into the hands of someone else. And all this time, as we pray to some "man" outside of us, we are actually praying to ourselves! It is not once or twice that I have been praying, because I do pray. It is just that lately I have understood that I am actually praying myself to help myself. 

"You're the only one who can save yourself." - Jackson MacKenzie -

From the experience I can say that this is true and if I have this kind of power, it is a big thing! And to me, this is a proof that I am the image of God. Inside of me I have a part of this big force we call the Universe.

As I understood that only I can save myself and I started to do my inner work, things started to happen, nice events and not so nice events, so that I could find my way into my own heart, my own power and my own peace. And this is the God, the force in me, that no one outside of me can ever take away. 

Because we have been so controlled and manipulated, I don't think we truly understand how powerful we are! Even me, I am just starting to understand glimpses of it. 

As I do my inner work, my inner peace grows. I get less reactive, I don't create drama or participate into others drama. I am becoming more loving and gentle. I have more compation and empathy. I am accepting everything and everybody as they are without any judgement. I know how to take care of me and I stand firmly in my own truth. So, I am starting to see everything from a higher perpective. Before all I could see was my own little world and the problems in it. It was all about me and my little life. Now it is different.

I am still very important, but at the same time I start to understand that I am part of something bigger. Something that a human mind can not explain or ever understand. What ever I do, affects the whole world, because it affects the collective energy. 

So what kind of a God do I want to be? The kind that creates more misery and fear or the kind that creates more love, compation and acceptence? More freedom (ps. remember that true freedom comes with huge responsibility!)?

As I am the image of God, my job as a human is to create a better world in co-operation with the bigger force that I call the Universe. It starts from me. Step by step. First by saving myself and from there, allowing my energy to expand further to everyone I meet. 

Oh my God! I love this! It is so powerful when you finally take the magic wand into your own hands. I am the creator! I am the one I used to prayed for. I am. And this, this is freedom!

HERO'S JOURNEY

In this world inner work is not valued at all. As we chase money and fame, we hurt, betray and kill along the way. For ages there has been many beutiful people who have been trying to fight for love and peace. And yet, it has not happenned. We still keep on hurting our closest people, because we are hurt. Traumaticed. If plan A is not working, how is it that we can not see, that we need is start plan B. And this, this is called "the hero's journey".

Me and Victoria wanted to have a chat about this today.

I don't know what in me awakenned and I started therapy. I do remember that is was yet another bad experience with men. It is like the same shit repeated itself over and over. Just the faces were changing. I didn't understand it then, but even with the help of therapy, I still kept repeating the same stories. Only now, after 15 years of healing and after very hard experiences I can only hope that I know better. 

"Yes, my love. You are here to learn how to truly love yourself. Unconditionally. This is something this world don't know much about yet. Humans think they do, but the truth is the opposite. This is why we need plan B and that is the inner work. Only by healing oneself, can we heal the world. Until then, the same stories keep repeating as you have seen in your own life", says Victoria.

This is true. I know that as I heal myself, I get lighter and lighter inside. My inner peace keeps growing and I don't react.... well, basically to anything. I observe, I am aware, but I don't participate. 

"This inner journey is a heroic journey. If it would be so easy, everybody would do it. But it is not. It is messy, painful, requires a lot of patience and mirrowing. The deeper inside you go, the more you start to question everything. Your life, your values, the people in your life, your job, your relationships and so on. This is very scary to people. Loosing what you have is so scary, so you settle. You settle for a job you don't like or a relationship that might satisfy your basic needs, but leaves you empty inside. And when you do this, you start to feel angry. Resentful. And you get angry. You start to get irretated and eventually, you start to take this bad feeling outside of yourself. To your go-workers, to your partner, to your kids, to someone driving a car next to you, to your neighbour."

"Humans think that they are good when they don't hurt others with violence. That is not true. As long as your actions or words hurt someone, anyone, you are part of the problem here on earth. If you judge, manipulate, lie, cheat and so on, you are part of the problem. Unhealed, wounded individual who creates more hurt as you go", says Victoria. 

"This is why we call this inner healing journey a "Hero's journey". It is only for those who chose in this life time to be brave enough to do this. This is one of the hardest things you can do as a human and as you said in the beginning, it is so not valued in this world. And yet, the difference you make to the whole collective as you heal, is huge! Bit by bit, one individual at the time, the collective energy is changing."

"And as the collective energy gets lighter, more noice the darkness will keep. This is the by product of the healing all of you are brinning into this world."

"It is no more about "fighting against", but doing your inner work. Only this way, we can truly change the world. It is about facing your demons, so that they can not hurt you or anyone else anymore. It is those demons inside of you that need love the most. They need to be seen and heard, huged and healed", says Victoria. 

Well, for someone who was always looking for compliments from others and trying to get validations for my actions, I find it very interesting, that as I am healing, I don't care about any of this anymore. 

I am doing my "job" just by being. Healing and changing my own energy is something that happens by being. I lay on my sofa and breath. Or maybe I sleep, because when I sleep, I am totally relaxed and my body and soul are free to work when my mind is not on the way. Or maybe I go for a walk, so that my energy system can get fresh air. Or I do some twerking, because this shaking releases old energy from my body. This work is invisible to the outside. And let me remind you that it is not a "9 to 5 job", but ongoing 24/7 job with no salary what so ever!

"I am so proud of you love", says Victoria. "I am so proud of everybody who are doing their inner work, their healing work. No one notices it. You get lot of blaim from others. You get a lot of reactions from others. You get so very little understanding and feel so alone sometimes. And the thing is, the more you heal, the more you feel. Things that you didn't feel before. The heaviness of the world. Other peoples energies. And so you have to isolate yourself a lot."

"I feel such a huge sympathy towards all the people who came to this earth in this lifetime to do this. I am so very proud of all of you that words are not enough descripe it. You are all so unvalued and unsupported by this world in every way."

"But let me asure you that as more and more people awaken and start their own hero's journey, things will shift for your favor. Old systems will start to collaps, all the corruption, all the abuse, everything like this, will start to come to the surface. Not only collectivly, but in peoples lives. All that is not based on truth, will eventually be exposed. And this, will start to awaken people more."

"The sea, it is made of billions of drops. So it is with the collective energy grid. Each and everyone is connected to this grid and as the healing goes on and more and more people join this journey, the grid starts to change. Change for more loving, more caring, more truthful and more unconditional. This is how the change is made in the world. Not by "fighting againgst", but BECOMING the change you want to see in the world. One person, one drop, at the time. And this, my love, is the plan B: The Hero's Journey", says Victoria.

I love it and I am very proud to be one of the hero's among so many others. This job is silent, not visible and yet, we keep doing it. Not only for ourselves, but for the earth, for others, for humanity. We all have this deep desire to see this world as a loving place where everyone is accepted and appriciated. Where each and everyone is seen as beautiful and where everyone can be just as unique as they are. 

This, my friends, is the hero's journey. You can not impress me anymore by big cars or tittles or money. But I am very humple in front of all these hero's who have come to earth at this time to heal and change the world. I am at aaah! because I know what it takes to do this. I salut you my sisters and brothers, who are doing this with me. Even if no one else gives you credit and recognition, I do. With all my heart. 

We will outshine this darkness. Love will always win. Always. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you 💕

TIME TO SING MY OWN UNIQUE SONG

My days lately have been quite intense. Yesterday and today has been different. I don't know what is happening, but always after these days where I feel like old shit are been squeezed out of my system, I feel like I can fly! So much lighter and more trust in my own flow. 

Monday I was doing my yoga practise and in Shavasana I got this image where I was about 12 years old. I was in my dads old house where he had all his music stuff like microphones, guitars and so on. How he had arranged the wires were so that I could put an old record playing and then I turn the microphone on and I would be the lead singer. I remember how much I loved it! I loved to sing! I love love love music! For a moment it was just me, music and my own voice. Nothing else. How wonderful!

I didn't quite understand why this image came to my mind, because I haven't been singing for a long time. I haven't really have the urge to do it. It doesn't excite me anymore as it used to. And I knew this image was not about me actually singing, but something else. 

This morning I left my house to have a walk like I usually do and I put on my headphones, so that I can be in my own world and just listen my own music or podcasts. Today I chose a video from Y-tube. 

After listening it for a while, I hear these words: 

"It is time to sing your own unique song."

And as soon as I heard this, I knew why I had seen this image of me singing. And as soon as I got this insight, Victoria (my higher self, my soul) came to me so strongly and wanted me to hurry up home and start my computer. She has something important to say and it is somehow powerful. So I will free the stage for her now.

"Thank you my love! Thank you for listening me!", she says. 

"As you heard those words today, it activated something in you. A remembrance. This is a DNA level activation, so this is very important."

"It is time for you to start to sing your own song. Only yours. Not what others want or expect. Not what others had told you. Even if someone thinks you are selfish or that you don't care for others. Even if it looks nothing like "the norm". No matter how it looks like, it is time to clame your right to sing your own song!"

"This is your life. It is that simple. All the humans have different blueprint, different DNA and different soul missions. For so long humans have been put into the same boxes and this is truly breaking now. There is no one like you. No one else have what you have and so it is with others. This is why it is time to leave all the boxes and just be you. Do you fully, no matter how it looks like. Just as everyone has a unique singing voice, so is with lifes journey."

"I urge you to leave behind all the guilt, all blame and all shame. This is very old and heavy and keeps you stuck in the old circles. They are not serving the new you anymore. It is time for them to go, because very soon things will be changing for you and we don't want you to carry these emotions anymore."

Same goes with "what others think" and thoughts like "what if someone gets angry". Let them. You are not hurting anyone by living your life as you are guided from inside. If someone gets upset, let them. It is so simple."

"By singing your own song and owning it fully, you are living with an excample of how things will be in the future. By honoring your own song (life journey), you honor others. By living only through your authentic truth, you are not only setting yourself free, but you are doing so to others too, so that they can find their own songs to sing, if they are willing. The only person your life has to make sence, is you. No one else and now I am asking you to finally accept this fully."

"Things are shifting very fast and this is why I need you to be confedent with your own song, with your own life. Things will start to happen soon and there will be times where you own truth will be tested."

"Sing your song and allow everyone react just as they do. Let them get angry or sad, bitter or jealous. Let them feel like you abandon them or any other feeling that comes up for them. This is not yours to fix and by allowing them feel all that they are feeling, you are giving them a change to heal. If they want."

"You are not being selfish, but self supportive and self loving. This might be new to others, but then let it be so. Again, this is not your issue to solve, but theirs. If they want."

"This takes a lot of courege, but this has been your mission all these years. Write even if no one else is reading it. Sing even no one is listening. Dance even if there is no partner to dance with. Just do it, because you feel it. Not by force, not for money, but because it brings you joy!"

"No matter how your song sounds like, it is time to sing it and never again allow anyone to tell you that your song is not beautiful or it is out of norm. Your time is at hand and only your can sing this particular song! We are about to fly and you need to be confedent enough to jump off the cliff. Trust that the wings will appear, because they will."

"You have always been a singing bird and now, finally, you are allowing yourself to hear your own voice and yours alone."

I just absolutely love this! I am feeling this so very deep inside of me and it makes me so very very happy! Sometimes energy is hard to explain. You have to feel it. But this is powerful shit and I feel it in my core! 

I am in a situation where I have to deside if I am going to please other people or am I "going to sing my own song". Now I know what to do. 

Thank you Victoria! Love you to the moon and back. My song is just getting started!

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

As I go on in my inner journey, the less I know. Many people have asked me why I don't do coaching or something like that, but I have to say that I gave up on other peoples journeys long time ago. Let me explain.

My heart and soul has always seen other peoples potential very clearly. I can see how much more they could do, if they would see and believe it themselves. But, as I have I moved along in my own inner journey, the respect toward other peoples inner journeys has grown a lot. I don't want to interfere in it in any way. The only one who can know what they are ready for and how much crowth they want to experience in this lifetime, is a person themself. 

It is non of my business what others do or don't do. It is non of my business do they see their full potential or not. Where each of us are in this journey called life, it is just perfect. And we make the choise to grow or we repeat our old stories. We can choose to heal or not. Both are equaly fine. For sure, I don't know what is best for them. My only job is to know what is best for me and if some people vibe with me, great! If not, that is okey too. 

For me it has come time to let go of all the spiritual teachings and only focus on my own inner messages. My own truth. No one else can not know it, but me. So it is with others. Only they can discover their own truth in each moment. 

The problem is that we tend to listen to others, to our spiritual teachers and then we think that what they teach, is our truth. Again we humans have found a way to put us all in the same box and for me, this is not working. How we heal and how we live are very unique paths for each of us. This is how it should be. I don't need to be a coach, because there are so many teachers in the spiritual sceen already. I actually don't believe in teaching anymore, meaning somones experience is the ultimate truth, but I do believe in sharing. We can learn a lot from someone elses journey. 

I want to be fully free, standing in my own truth authenticaly. I am the type of person that always questions everything. Even myself. How does this feel inside of me? Does it resonate with my inner being? This is how I know, if something is for me or not. 

I don't resonate with quotes like "be grateful for what you have" anymore at all! What a fear based bull shit! Some of these spiritual teachings are like a mental rape and very old! We are humans and as humans we are allowed to have "good days and shitty days". This is normal. I could never ever force myself to "think positive", if I don't truly feel it. Same goes with "your thoughts create your reality". Fuck I hate that frase, but respect the people whose truth that is. Mine it certainly is not. My truth is that what ever is meant for you, will find you no matter what.

Some of these fraces cause us to bypass our deepest emotions and lead us to only focus on the "love and light". This is not my truth. I have learned to love all parts of myself. Even the deepest and darkest parts. Those parts are part of me and I love them as much as I love my laughter and joy. I respect all aspects of me fully. 

We are not meant to be super humans. We are meant to be humans. Period. For me, it is enough that I try to do better, that I do take responsibility of my words and actions and I try to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes this inner journey is so very exhausting and life can not only focus on this. We need to remember to live too!

These days I am very okey to "not to know". It is actually a relief in a way to focus on myself instead of others. I am very aware that I have taken the role of a mother and a coach in my past relationships. Now, I have learned from this. No more. 

I can finally see people where they are in their journeys and respect that. No need to coach or change anything. They are doing their best and they are crowing in their own pace. This is how it should be. 

So I can not know what is best for others and instead I am focusing on my own truth. I am hear to listen, to be present when needed, but I try not to give advices anymore. Unless is asked of me. This is a new practise to me, but at least I am willing to learn. 

It has been another practise to get to the point where I can say "I don't know anything". I truly don't. I learn as I go. Today I feel like this, tomorrow.... Who knows. 

What I do know are my core values:

1. Freedom

2. Unconditionaly loving

3. Respectful

4. Integrity

5. Honest

6. Authentic

What life is going to bring to me, is a mistery. I don't know a thing! 

I just know that it is time to allow and respect all souls in their own journey. We are different! We are all here for a reason! We all have a purpose! No one is better then other no matter what. 

My only consern has to be me. I have to take care of me and see what fits into my world and what does not. This doesn't mean that I don't love people, because I do. Sometimes it is just necessary to do it from a far. Not only am I respecting myself by doing this, but I am also respecting the other persons journey by not demanding more of them that they are capable of right now. 

What is my mission in this world, I feel like I am doing it. For some reason I was supposed to awaken fully in this lifetime. I did not expect my journey to go so deep and sometimes I wish I could have a holiday from this. It is so fucking hard and intense sometimes. But this is my journey and no one else has to understand it. No one, only me. My life journey doesn't have to make sense to anyone, but me. 

And this is now what I allow to others too. Their journey doesn't have to make any sense to me or to anyone else. It is theirs and there fore just as unique as mine. As I respect my own journey, I respect theirs. No matter what it looks like. 

So I don't know anything. Life is a mystery and no one knows what is the absolute truth and why we are here. But, if you get to know your truth in this moment and allow others to do the same, that is a lot already! 

ON MY WAY TO FREEDOM AS A WOMAN

Yesterday I went to my twerk class and something happened. We were divided into groups of two and we had to walk towards the mirror with a sassy attitude. The song we were practicing was requiring us to do so. So we did. I was watching other two girls going before me and in that situation I didn’t really think too much. I just did my best and went along. 

But after the practice was over, I felt this energy. The energy of how repressed my feminine energy is and has been. I bursted in tears and my whole body was shaking. The fear was huge! It is like all the power from my body would have been taken from me. Other ladies were looking at me. Feeling what I was feeling and they also started to share how they feel the same. It was such a huge healing moment to the whole group! And what was the most beautiful thing was to be supported by other women! Not judged, no jealousy, but just support. 

After I got home I sat with this for a while and it hit me so hard how small I have always made myself so that others wouldn’t feel bad. How abused I have been as a woman. 

I have always been thin and I have always taken care of my body. Here in Finland femininity is not supported as much as it is in Gambia. We have a history of the independece war where most of the men were sent to the front. This meant that the ladies had to take over. So they had to take the roles of both women and men. This made them tough and there was no room for emotions or softness. This legacy is still carried among the ladies here. I know I have and maybe still do, but I am doing my best to heal this wound in me and find out who I am as a woman.

But here in Finland it is almost impossible to find any energetic support to this process. Here I am totally invisible to men or anyone for that matter. So I wear my yoga leggings and hoodies. In here I don’t really think about my femininity at all. In Gambia it comes to me more naturally. I wear skirts and earrings and I like it. Of course it has a lot to do with the weather conditions too, but somehow the African ladies are more okay with their bodies. The more juiciness the lady has, the better. Quite the opposite than it is here in Europe. 

I also remember when I was in India for six weeks doing yoga, I got interested in the behavior of these Russian women. They knew exactly how to use “the busy power”. These ladies were very aware of their feminine power and they knew how to use it for their own benefit. 

Today I realized how I have always made myself so small as a woman. How much I have been giving up my own femininity because I was scared that the men would abandon me. For sure, the sexual abuse I experienced as a young child, also plays a big role in this. This made me think that if I am sexy or men want me, it is somehow my fault. I should cover my sexyness, because then men wouldn’t have temptations. I have had insecure men who are scared to lose me, so I had to minimize myself. And of course, I have been very insecure myself. 

If I am totally honest, I still don’t know what kind of a woman I want to be. All I know is that it is not this. I am so tired of being a half man when this is not how I was designed to be. I was designed to be a gentle, wise, heart guided goddess. We women have such a power and this world looks like it does just because it has been led by broken, immature men. For too long the broken masculinity has been in charge. But now things are changing big time!

I am tired of mothering men. To always take the responsibility. To not feel safe. To feel like I am too much when I am with men. Not being really, truly seen or heard. I am tired that the men never ask me what are my dreams and what do I need or want. It has always been about them. Their vision of us and then expecting me to play along. And oh my god, when I didn't, then I was the one to blame. I was the reason for all the shit in our relationship. I am so tired of this!

Can you imagine that I am 53 years old and I have NEVER EVER felt supported by any man?!? I have never felt safe around men?!? It is so unbelievable!

As we women heal ourselves, we are becoming more powerful. We are stepping into our feminine essence and taking the lead. What we did except before, we don’t anymore. All the ladies who are awakening, who are doing their inner work, their healing, are bit by bit stepping into their full power. And this is going to change the whole world!

I will never ever allow any man to put me down, to manipulate me, to minimize me or to abuse me. I will not make myself small for anyone anymore. I am stepping into my feminine power and its essence bit by bit. I don’t know how it is going to look at the end, but I know the process is fully on. 

There is so much I want to learn on femininity, but I let it happen naturally without force. All I know at this time is that I am willing and open. I will not live this life with my heart closed, but fully open! I don’t settle for less than I deserve and I will learn how NOT to keep apologizing that I exist. 

No more suppressing my femininity! No more apologizing for my existence. It ends here and now. My goal is to become strong in my vulnerability. Showing emotions is not a weakness, but a great act of courage. I will keep on practicing my twerking, shaking my baggage (ass) and there will be a time and place for me where I can wear dresses all the time, if I want. I will find women, sisters, who will support me in this journey and men, brothers, who will do the same.

I am finding out who I am as a woman. I am very aware that I love myself as I am, but I can still learn more about self confidence and sassynes. Let this exciting journey continue. No matter what, I am an awakened woman on her way to her full power!

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME AND IT'S ALL ABOUT ME

I have noticed already for a long time that people take things very personally. I did too of course before. I had to heal and deal with my feelings of guilt, self esteem and many other traumas before I was able to start to practice not taking things personally. It is not easy, but at least I am getting better in my practice. 

What I mean by this… Well, let me give you a few examples, so you will get a better picture. By the way, it looks like I am stepping in to the stage more now and Victoria and Roger are taking the back seat in a way. At least they are more than happy to let me “talk” (write and share my truth). 

“You go girl!”, they shout!

So, let’s do this. 

As a native Finnish person, I have found out that when I say to my fellow citizens that Finland is not my place to live, so many take it very personally. They take it as a criticism even though this is not at all what I mean. I am not criticizing my home country, quite the opposite. There are a lot of beautiful things in Finland that I appreciate a lot! We have things so well here that we sometimes forget how things are somewhere else.

If there would be a foreigner who would say that they don’t want to stay here, it would be totally normal. No one wouldn't even think about it, but just accept that this is how it is. But for me, I should never ever say that this country is not for me. People get very defensive! 

The same thing happens when I take my distance from people I feel I need to take distance from. Some people think that I consider myself perfect and that all the others are somehow less perfect. People think that I judge when I am just distancing myself for my own reasons. 

And this is where I have to say: “It is not about me, but it is all about me!”
If you take things personally, you still have some healing to do. If I take distance it is not that I don’t love you, but for the sake of my own well being and healing, I have to do it. This doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with the country or the people, but it is all about energy!

What kind of energy Finland is carrying. Is it supporting my being or not. That’s what it is all about. Not that there is something wrong in FInland. When someone takes this personally and starts to act very defensive, I let it be. This is a trauma response and I am tired of explaining myself over and over again.

The energy between judging and reflecting is totally different. 

If I take my distance from someone, it means that something in their energy is not aligned with mine. That’s all. It is not personal. We are just in a different place in our lives energetically. If I feel that there is any disrespect, lies, masks or mean sarcasm for example, I take my distance and love you from a far.

For so long I have been settling in my relationships and because I am very loyal, I allowed things to get so very bad, before I left. Because I was a people pleaser, it was easy to manipulate me feeling guilty. This has been so toxic to all of us! In these situations, I got angry and upset. These situations changed me into something I was not! It is not who I am or who I want to be and I hated it when I turned like this. 

The more I started to love and respect myself, the more aware I became of the energies around me. Let it be people, places, cities or even countries. I feel everything more than ever and this makes me avoid crowded places or other situations that are too much for me to handle. 

So if I tell you that Finland is not for me, this has nothing to do with criticism. It is just some energy here that is not supporting my growth and makes me feel small, so eventually I will be located somewhere where this can happen. If you take it personally or as a criticism, you have some healing to do. 

Same goes with people. I truly love all the people I have distanced myself from and I wish them nothing but the best. But. The first person I have to take care of is me. No one else will. So I distance myself and this is nothing personal. This is all about me and what is best for me. This also doesn’t mean that we can never be together, but the energy gap that is there right now, has to get less first. That’s all. 

When you start to work on yourself, when you start to do your inner work, your energy starts to shift. Of course. I am not the same person I was before. It is impossible. So the energy gap between the old and the new gets bigger. 

If I behave disrespectfully, then for sure, it is about me. But these days, I don’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone. It is nobody's fault. There is no blame or anger. We are just different and in a different place in our lives. So I just withdraw myself and wish all the best for all parties. 

So as you can see, it is not about me, but it is all about me. When things happen in my relationships, there might still be a split second that it stings, but very very quickly, I remind myself that it is not personal. It is not about me. Any reaction that we get, we personally have to sit with it and ask ourselves why did I react this way? I always do, but I can not control if anyone else does. So I keep practicing “not taking things personally” and allowing others to react as they do and take responsibility for their reactions. 

Just reflecting, not judging. Just taking care of myself, not criticizing anyone. Just taking my distance, not abandoning. Just doing me, as you do you. That’s all. I will NEVER EVER again sit in a box that somebody else defines for me. No no. No matter how uncomfortable it might make you feel. I am here to live my best life and only I can know how it looks like and how to create it. And this part, is all about me!

AM I A WEIRDO

I just came out of McDonald's. I Had a nice burger as I was sitting in the sunshine. To have this kind of a nice weather in September in Finland, is not that common. But I will enjoy as long as it lasts. September is anyway one of my favorite months here. Beautiful and fresh!

As I was sitting there with my burger, I started to think about all the restrictions that the spiritual world, well the world in general too, teaches us. Don't eat burgers, don't eat meat, don't smoke, don't drink, don't drink coffee, don't have chocolate, don't eat donuts. Don't don't don't. Somehow I have never related to these restrictions.

I am a spiritual person. I am a yoga teacher. I am NOT a vegetarian. I do drink every now and then and I do smoke two cigarettes every day. I eat meat sometimes and I do enjoy nice chocolate when ever I feel like it. I have always been this way. 

I think that as we are searching our true essence and we lean on for help, we start to forget a little bit our own likes and desires. We start to listen to our teachers and we start to copy their way of living. We truly think that this is the only way to be and live. Following blindly to someone else's ways, takes us further and further away from our own truth. 

Yes, I am a spiritual being. As long as I breath, I am a spirit. What we tend to forget when seeking salvation is, that not only are we spirits, but we are HUMAN! We are here to have a FULL human experience with our spirit guiding us. This for me means that all that I see in this world are a gift to me. All is here to teach me something about myself. All these different things are like tools to get closer to my truth and authenticity. For me this world is like a huge playground with different things and situations to play with. 

If my soul mission in this world would be a total enlightenment, then I would probably move to Tibet with the monks and sit in meditation for hours and days. No problem. But, I don't think that this is my goal in this lifetime. More it is about finding my true essence, my authentic self and enjoy this human experience to it's fullest! I want to be aware and I want to aim for a higher conscious. But at the same time, I am fully grounded to my human essence. 

If we are dealing with any addiction like behavior, well like my smoking before, I think we have to check behind the addiction and find out the root cause of it. This is why I have been sitting with myself and asking "why do I still want to smoke"? Before the reasons might have been different. It was a tool to help me deal with the inner turmoil that I was going through. Smoking helped me when I was feeling anxiety or anger or stress. I definitely smoked more when having those emotions. 

Smoking also was part of my social life. It was a habit that I adapted since I was a kid from my surroundings. I got used to it. Basically everybody was smoking! So it was obvious that I would start too. Smoking made me badass in the school. 

So here are few reasons for my smoking. During my inner journey I have sat with this many many wonderful times! Why I feel guilty if I smoke? Why should I stop? Is there still a part of me that isn't healed and I need smoking to avoid something?

After years of inner work I now make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to smoke. The energy behind smoking is now different then before. I enjoy it. Smoking my evening cigarette is my meditation. It grounds me very well. I like my few cigarettes as much as I like my chocolate. The amount of cigarettes are less then before, maybe two to three a day and I am very aware of the health issues that is said it causes. 

But for me, the way I think is "anything done with joy and without guilt, can not hurt you". If you have sat with your addiction and with this behavior, if you have dived deep into the root causes of your addiction, if you have asked yourself why I do what I do, then I am sure that you will do it less, even if you keep doing it a bit. You have now changed the energy behind the addiction. IF you keep on doing it, then you are making a conscious choice and take full responsibility of this action. 

I truly believe that when things are done out of pure joy and enjoyment and consciously, nothing can not hurt you. Our bodies are so very wise and you will FEEL, if something is not good for you. 

I don't want to live my life with too many restrictions or doing constant researches. Too much information takes the joy out and replaces it with fear. If I feel like having a burger and meat, then I have it! It is not like I do it all the time, but sometimes my body is saying: "Hey, enjoy life! I need the meat now!" Or my cigarettes. I enjoy them fully and with all my heart! 

So be bravely you! Listen to you! Listen to your body, your soul! Take the advices you feel resonating with your truth and leave the rest. Get conscious of your behavior and from this place, enjoy the human experience fully! With all it's beauty and colors! We are NOT just spirits (spiritual), we are also human and us humans, we are not meant to be perfect, but perfect enough!

Be the weirdo you came here to be! I am and I am so very proud of it! 

WHAT THE FUCK

Yesterday was so fucking intense! Oh my god! Anxiety, frustration, anger and a lot of crying! It felt like I just couldn’t breathe! This ongoing process of breaking old inner records (old stories) and practicing allowing instead of forcing. Living in a flow is much harder than you think! And Roger (my ego) doesn’t like it at all! He gets so upset and angry.

“Why the hell don’t I have a say in anything anymore?! What the fuck!?! I know what we don’t want and I know at least some of what we do want, but there is nothing I can do?! What bullshit is this?”, he shouts. 

He is sooo very angry and frustrated! And Victoria (my soul) just keeps quiet and allows Roger to shout and scream. She doesn’t want to argue with him, because she knows that it doesn’t help. Me and her, well, we just have to allow him to feel what he feels, but it is not easy. Especially not for me.

I just sometimes feel like I truly need a break! That I am exhausted and out of this world! I can not see people and I can not go out. I can not explain this to anyone who is still living in “the old energy”. Trying to explain just makes me more tired and people misunderstand me anyway. This inner battle and learning this new way of being is a fucking hard job!

“I know love”, says Victoria. “You see how conditioned you are to controling things. This is a coping mechanism you learned ever since you were a baby and now it is all about allowing and being. Only acting when I tell you to. I am sorry it is so hard on you and Roger.”

I am very sensitive to the energies around me. Even more so now when my essence gets lighter and “the old mud”, meaning the traumas and fears, are clearing out 24/7. I can feel straight how I feel around someone or if I am in a wrong place. I am still in my home town close to my past. This already is very hard on me. But. Then there is the fact that I am in Finland and here the energy is very much misaligned with me. And I feel this! I feel this so strongly and it is getting harder and harder for me to just be here without any answers. 

And when Roger is sensing this, he wants to take over! He can see how much I cry and how unhappy I am here and so he gets very upset that he can not help me! He just wants to crap me and take me away somewhere where I could feel a little bit of ease and peace. And when he can’t, he gets so frustrated and angry! He is like a little child who has a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants! 

Well, this only shows how much he loves me! He just wants me to be happy!

“I fully understand this”, says Victoria. “We both want you to be happy and for us both, it is heartbreaking to see you so sad and lonely. But I am asking you both to trust me that I will guide us forward as soon as I can! I am not keeping us here just because I want to, but there is a bigger picture here that you and Roger can not see. But I can."

"All I am asking is for you two to trust me that I am doing my level best as I am organizing our future. This is not a small thing! We are just not going on a holiday, but we are changing our whole life in a brand new way and this takes a bit more time than just a move to a new house or getting a new job.”

Me and Roger sit in silence and of course we know that she is working very hard in cooperation with the Universe to make things happen. 

It is just hard on both of us and especially when I am in a situation where everything is so misaligned with me. 

“Well, the good thing is that the more Roger can let his anger and frustration out, the better and you my love, the more you can observe his feelings instead of reacting to them, the better. It will clear out much faster. This is all just a release of the old conditioning”, says Victoria. 

“I know this is a hard place for you to be, my love, but please try to hang in there! I promise that when we finally get to go, the past is in the past and we can have a fresh start”, says Victoria. 

I want to trust on this and I do. It is just that I feel like a beautiful sunflower without water. The more time goes by without the water, the more gray I become. I lose my joy, I lose my light. My vitality. It is just a simple truth that what ever energy you are in, it eather supports your being and brings out the best in you or well, not.

I hate these old beliefs that we have been told like: "when you love yourself fully, it doesn't matter where you are, you will feel happy." This is such a bullshit! It doesn't work like that! All is connected to all, meaning our surroundings, the people in your life, what you do, being part of something, feeling meaningful and I matter, it is all connected to our human essense. All of this has an energy behind it and it is eather aligned with you or it is not. And if it is not, you will feel it!

Let's say you are in a working environment and you FEEL bad every day. You cry in the morning when you have to go there. This is misaligment and there is NOTHING else you can do then to leave eventually. Same thing happens with people, places and countries. They all have their unique energy and you will feel if it is right for you. It is that simple!

So everything matters and if I would try to force myself "to be happy where I am", it would NOT be authentic, but more like a mental rape! And I want to mention, that I do have good days where my inner peace is more present. When Roger is more at ease. Within those days I can see the beauty of the nature and I can fully feel the fresh air. But. Still. In the back of my mind there is this nagging feeling of "I don't belong here". It just is. And now I have accepted it, instead fighting it and trying to "fit in".

I truly love myself as I am! I have inner peace and acceptense to where I am. I am not fighting the situation or trying to force things to change, but I am also very aware that I am NOT in a right place or among right people. I am NOT in a situation or in a place that supports my growth or my being. Just like I would know how I feel when I meet someone whose energy is hash or even violent. I wouldn't hang around this kind of person for long!

So, as we can see, all the beliefs that I have addapted from spiritul circles or otherwise outside of me, has to go! Only I can know how I feel and only our crew can guide us out of here when the time right.

"Sometimes it is not even about us, but about the collective movements. Sometimes there are bigger forces working behind the scenes and then we come to the frase of "divine timing". You are doing your best, so let go of "being perfect" or "a good girl" and be a mess! It is totally fine!", says Victoria.

She is right. What can I do. It is what it is. Even though Roger has his fits, Victoria is in charge and no matter how much we want to fight this situation and move on, we can’t. Not yet.

Oh, I just wish that I could get a break. A holiday without a care in the world! 

But our team keeps on going. One minute at the time. One hour at the time. We came here for this and I know I can do this. Let it be hard then. Let it be lonely. I will get through this and one day, to my surprise, Victoria will whisper directions to my ear and I will know what to do. Until then, we breathe. We can have our fits and frustrations. Or a good cries. It is all okay. We are creating our fairy tale from INSIDE OUT, not outside in and learning new ways of being is not easy.

One day, Ins Allah, our patience will be rewarded! This is how it looks like when we are creating a new world. More loving, more human, more authentic. The old doesn't die easily without a fight, but it is dying. Slowly, but surely!