FORGET ABOUT SPIRITUALITY

This posts subject is something, I have been thinking and pondering for a while now. Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are present, but this one, this is mine.

I saw a picture of me in my confirmation day. It jumped out from my Facebook feed yesterday. I was looking at this beatiful 15 year old girl and this brought up some thoughts about my "spiritual journey" that I have been in now for more than 13 years. Oh my! I am so tired of this word "spiritual". You know what, we are "spiritual" when we are born! If you are breathing, you are spiritual! You are a spirit and spirit can only be alive, if it is breathing. So if you are breathing, you are spiritual! The fact that we think that someone else is more spritual then another, creates a huge gap between each other and trust me, this truly is not "spiritual"!

Oh and yes! I have been there! Along my inner journey, I did put myself in pedestal. Seeing myself somehow more "spiritual" then others, because "they didn't get it". But thank god, I fell to my ass from that pedestal and this was the best thing that ever happenned to me!

I decided long time ago to jump into this inner journey. I wanted to get to know the Saija that I had never met. This is what is all about to me, get to know the authentic Saija, not about "spiritual journey". I WANTED to get to know me, because I knew, that the beliefs and thoughts that others had about me, were not the truth. I also wanted to understand why, time after time, I found myself in a similar situations with different faces. And this how it goes, if our traumas, fears and beliefs keep guiding us. Most of the time we don't even realize that this is happening. I know I didn't!

I don't know if you have had that experience, but these days, if I follow any "spiritual" writings or videos, I do get this image, like there is something wrong with me. It is almost like for 13 years I have been trying to change something in me, so that I wouldn't be so "bad". So that I wouldn't react, as I react. Or there has to be something wrong in me, if I am not in a ZEN-state all the time. Or if I can't manifest like others. There is this constant strive to be this super human without the whole human emotional scale. That we should always be positive instead of feeling what I am feeling. 

"Love, we needed these opposite sides to exist", says Victoria. "Humanity was and is still mostly, living in a fear based world. How we started to break this intensity of fear, was by creating the "over the top spirituality". This was the only way to start to balance the energy of the world from fear towards unity and love. Now, some of you are stepping out of this "spiritual" circles, because you are now your own leaders. We still need the opposites, but the scale is getting more and more balanced. But it is changing it's form. Before we could bybass some aspects of us, but now, the energies are kind of forcing us not to."

Yes, this is true and it is so very interesting! And I could still, for sure, isolate myself into this "bubble of spirituality" where I would be praying for light and love to humanity. Where I would repeat mantras and talk to my bussy. I could bury my head to the sand without facing the wrongs that are happening in the world. But this, to me, would be bypassing humanity. Bypassing life. And most of all, bypassing myself! In my own community I would't have to face the mirrows (people and life events), that I truly would need in order to really become free. 

If I would blindly follow some guru who would tell me how to live, how to be or what to eat, I could never step into my full power. If I would be living this way, I would give the reins of my life outside of me and this to me, is bypassing. It is running. Of cause there are many ways to run, like addictions. And for sure, it is easier to follow some guru, goverment or religion, because this way, if something goes wrong in your life, you can always blame that ourside source instead of taking full responsibility of your life and all parts of it.  

Truly, the only way towards oneself, is through. All the emotions. All the experiences. Feel the feelings you never knew you had or had tools to. Face the unfear events of your life and feel the pain they have caused. Let them finally come to be seen and cleared out of the body and mind. 

And suddenly, this huge pressure of constantly trying to change something in me, don't resonate to me at all. I accept. That's it! A word, that will change everything. I accept that I feel anxiety and this way, it will fade away much faster. I accept my joy, my lazyness, activity, the fact that I don't always know what to do and so on. I accept myself just the way I am and this way, I can accept others the way they are. I accept. Period. This is my "spiritual" lesson to you my lovies!

And as I have learned to know myself and after trying to change myself so much, the funny thing is, that my cord essence hasn't really changed at all!

What has changed is the knowing why I react to certain things the way I do. I now have the courage to draw clear boundaries and I can say no, if I don't want to. I can try crazy new things without thinking what others would say. My cord essence is filled with this childlike joy. I have a big, kind heart and I never want to hurt another. Through my own inner journey, I have learned to deal with my emotions so that I don't take it on others anymore. Inside of me lives this automatic respect towards everyone and everything. I no longer put myself down, but no one is above me eather. We are all born naked and equal. 

And the best thing is, that I am getting to know this genuine, authentic Saija day by day better never before. I am so proud of this beautiful woman and yes! I am not affraid to say it out loud!

This is what life is all about. Just this. Loveliness, anxiety, laughter and crying. Beautiful feelings and less beautiful feelings. Nicer events and less nice events. I am here to learn about me every day through others and through different events. When you get curious about life and about yourself, life somehow gets ligher. This is not so serious! We are the ones who create unnecessary presures to ourselves without even realising it.

Bit by bit I have been clearing my social media from posts that make me feel, like there would be something wrong with me. Or where they tell me that I am the biggest obsticle in my life. I don't read books anymore and I don't watch vidos that much. I already have all I need inside of me. I just need to trust this. Only I can know what is best for me and if I take my attention outside of me, I feel so bad that I come straight "back home" to me and talk to Saija. 

And now, I don't want to judge any of the "spiritual" materials and teachers I have been following! Oh no. Without them I wouldn't be so fully in my own power. So I am very very thankful of all of them. 

It is just time to start to question things that are fed to us. No matter "spiritual" or "non spiritual". I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are already spiritual when you were born! But. If you want to get to know the true you, I salute you! I cheer for you. I encourage you to stand with your own two feet and to trust your own vision of how you want your life to be. This is your journey, not anybody elses! 

The most worst enemies in my inner journey have been people pleasing and not creating clear boundaries. Each time I listen to others or do things just because someone else wants me to, I am stepping away from my inner power, from my center. 

So. I don't listen tips on how to dress. I don't listen tips on how to eat. I don't listen on how often I should exersize. Aaaaaand, I don't follow the Kardashians. Noup. I DO ME! My body is wise enough to tell me what it needs in each moment and inside of me, there is this power that knows when to stop to listen to these messages. My heart (Victoria) has taken over and it doesn't make any sence to fight against it. And yes, Roger (my ego) tries sometimes for sure! But for me, this is the best ever!

We are all unique and what ever suits for someone else, does not suit you. Only you can know what is best for you! If my team could give you one advice, it would be a question: "How do you feel?! If you do this, how do you feel? If you say this, how do you feel? This is the biggest guide for me at this moment. Nothing, to me, is a must. I shoulnt', but I want. If something or someone makes me feel anxiety, I don't, because then, I would be people pleasing, instead of listening to me. I would be stepping out of my own power. 

To hear oneself and putting oneself first, takes a lot of courage and yes, you will piss a lot of people on the way. But if they get pissed, isn't it their responsibility to deal with it?

Just be and do you. Do you have the courage?

ROGER IS FEELING RESTLESS

Today Roger (my ego) has been so restless. It is just something that happens every now and then. Less often than before, but it happens. These situations are usually handled between Victoria (my higher self) and Roger, so my only job is to be present and observe. 

"I can't take this anymore!", Roger shouts. "Our life is just so boring! I don't know what to do to change it and this is bullshit! Every day is the same. Same, same, same. I don't want to exercise, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to go anywhere! I hate this! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!"

Me and Victoria can see that he is feeling very frustrated today. 

"It's okey, Roger", says Victoria. "You can feel what ever you feel. This is good. Let it all out!"

"I hate it when you say this", says Roger. "Why can't I be in charge sometimes? Why do you always have to decide what we are going to do and when?", he is shouting.

"Love, I don't have to. I really don't. That's the thing. We are in this together. What ever we decide to do, we will all stand behind that decision", says Victoria. 

I understand Roger. I think that it is sometimes hard. Make decisions or not to make them. You think and you think and yet, there is no answers. Or no action for that matter. I feel like sometimes I am affraid to make "the wrong" decision. 

"Yes!", shouts Roger. "This is how I feel! I want us to do something, but something is stopping us and I know it is you Victoria! This is all your fault!"

"I am sorry love, that you feel this way. My guidence is always based on what I feel we are ready for. I know it is not easy to be and to be, but things are not quite ready for us yet to move forward. I know it is very frustrating and life can feel boring. But could we look at this in a new way?"

"What if frustation is good! What if being bored is good?", she asks. 

Me and Roger stand here looking like question marks. What do you mean?

"As humans, ever since you are babies, you are thaught, that things have to "move forward". That boredom is bad. Or frustration. But this is not so. These feelings are coming from your old belief system, because you were told ever since you were small that you are not worthy, if you are not productive. This has caused you to believe, that you have to always reach higher, reach for more, instead of being happy with what you have in this very moment. Let me give you an example."

"There was this shop keeper, who started his business from the scratch. Bit by bit he was able to build the business into a solid one. He even started to make profit. He had good staff and good people around him. The quality of the store was high and the customers loved the shop. But because of his belief system, he could not truly enjoy his victory. Because victory it was for sure! No no. As soon as the profits started to come, he started to plan for a bigger shop. He wanted more. He wanted bigger! He wanted to be the best in town!"

"And so he took another loan, started the remodeling and extending the shop. The days were long and he was always at work. His wife and kids basically lived without him, but he couldn't see it. Well, you can quess how this story ends. He did end up without his family and the store got so big, that it was hard to handle. He was stressed over the matters of the shop. Always there was something. And the loan was so big, that trying to pay it, gave him an ulcer!"

"Humans always have to get more, try harder, be bigger and so on. This shopkeeper could have enjoyed his life fully with his family. Delegate his work to people he trusts and take vacations with his family. Enjoy fully the fruits of his labor. But because of the belief that "we always have to move forward or do better", he could not."

This is interesting, I think. It is true. This belief is still living deep inside of me. And this is why Roger is frustrated today. Because "we are not moving forward" or so it seems. 

"And this is the thing. Letting all these old beliefs go, so that we could enjoy each moment fully as it is. Because the truth is, we do only have this moment. We don't always have to force things to happen. We don't always have to be bigger or better. We are good enough just because we are alive! And this is something that I truly want our team to understand. That we can relax into this moment and trust that things "will move forward" when the divine timing is right. Until then, we are moving forward, but energetically and inward", says Victoria. "I am not keeping us "stuck" just because, but there is always a very good reason to my actions. After all, our team is here to learn, how to let ALL the beliefs and fears go. We are here to find who we truly are, not what we were told we are. And we can only get to this zero point by allowing. Allowing things to come up. Allowing us to feel anything that comes up. Allowing things to unfold naturally without controlling."

Oh my. Me and Roger are quiet. He knows these things already, but sometimes he just can't take it. And we tell him, that this is okey. The whole point is to let the frustration out. To feel it and then release it. It is the old mud that we don't want to carry anymore, so let him feel what he is feeling and that's it. 

For me, this "inner battle" can be tireing, but more and more, Roger is at peace and accepting things as they are. 

"And our talks help me a lot! After these talks, I feel so much more calmer, lighter and at ease", he says. 

We have a group hug, because we are so very proud of our team. He can have his fits, no problem. And we are learning to live moment by moment every day and thank god, most days we all feel okey with how things are now. After all, we have all we need. Getting to know the true me, is our teams job and it takes what it takes. And now, after this talk, we can relax into this knowing. All will be well and nothing that is meant for us, can not pass us by. But right now, we are here. In the candle light, having Mangos :o).

BODY GETTING REWIRED

Lately I have been having quite intense days. My body is having pains that I have never experienced before. I have aces and pains here and there. At the same time I am feeling tired, bored, no creative flow, nothing feels nothing, even symptoms of depression. I feel anxiety and I am crying a lot. I have this feeling of not belonging to this world. And then suddenly, next day, I am at the top of my game!

Yesterday I saw this video of Lorie Ladd (link: Internal shifts) and it just gave me so much understanding about the prosess that I am going through. I have to call Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) to this talk about this!

"Hi love", says Victoria. "So nice to be here to talk about this. This is very very important!"

I agree. 

"So what's going on?", she asks. 

Well, I explain to her what I have been feeling lately and about the video I saw. I have known that I am clearing a lot of old memories from my body, but this video gave me so much yesterday. Victoria starts to smile. 

"I just absolutely love this", she says. "Have you noticed how hard you still have been to yourself?", she asks. 

I have to admit that I see it now. I always, still, expect myself to be productive and active and if at that day, I can't, I just can't seem to give myself a break. 

"And compassion is just what you need", she says. "So share with us what you learned yesterday", she says. 

So, what Lorie was explaining was that all the experiences that we have had in life, are all found in our bodies. As I shift into higher energy, my body must release all the old and dence out. This means all the bulling, heartaces, disappointments, all the hurt, I have experienced in my life and the emotions related to these events. All the emotions that I couldn't go through at the time when these things happenned to me. All these feelings are stored in my body and now, they are all coming out. All the feelings I have hidden or not been able to face, because I didn't know how. And because I am so willing to be free from the old and getting in touch with my true essence, they are now surficing, so that I can feel them fully and this way, I am able to let them go for good.

"Oh, this is so beautiful", says Victoria. "Isn't it amazing how wise the soul is! It just takes you through everything, you are supposed to, so that you can be totally free. Not only in your mind, but in your body too! I absolutely love it!"

Roger has been listening and he is nodding his head. "With this, I agree. It is absolutely amazing! I know that my job before was to keep us in the old, because that was the only way I knew how to keep us safe. But even me, I am getting used to this new way of living now, so I am practicing it fully. How to trust more, how to trust you Victoria more, how to let go of control more and how to allow all the feelings to just be without trying to get us out of it anymore, like I used to do."

We all agree. We are learning so much each day and thank god we have people like Lorie who are helping everyone to understand what is happening. 

"You are just emptying yourself totally from the old, what ever it is. Let it be emotions you haven't felt years ago or the memories of events that happened to you long time ago. You are healing your scars so to say. But not only this, you are also feeling the collective energy, so like I said at the beginning, this is a time to learn how to be very mercyfull towards oneself."

Yes, as I let go all this heaviness from my body, the more I also feel the collective energy. It is a lot to the body. And mind. 

"So can we agree, that we will try to be more forgiving towards ourselves and have more compassion too?", asks Victoria.

Me and Roger nod to agree. I have always been so alone in a way, in life that I really haven't had a change to show compassion towards myself. If I was not doing and holding, then who? But now I am willing to learn, for sure! If I expect compassion from others, I have to show it to myself first, right?

"The energy of the earth is chancing so quickly that it is hard for the body to adjust. So compassion is very much needed. We don't have to be productive or active all the time, because to be honest, energetically, we are! 24/7! Energetic work is going on all the time and sometimes just being and allowing yourself to relax and just be, is a must. There is nothing wrong in this", says Victoria.

Well, I am getting quite good also in "just being". I don't force myself that much anymore, because my only goal at this time, is to feel, what I have not felt, to release what I have not released and after, feel lighter. My goal is to get back home to me, into that time, before the world got to me with it's beliefs, fears and events. So I am willing to do what ever it takes!

"Good for you love!", shout Victoria and Roger. "You are so very brave, we love you so much!"

I love you too guys, I shout! And like Lorie said, could I be graterful for these intense days, because it means that after, I am more closer to my true self, closer to my inner fire and my true nature. Closer to my creativity too. I guess I have to be fully empty from the old, in order to create something new. 

And this to me, is very very exciting!