In Finnish: Sipuliefekti: harjoituksia joilla kuorit esiin aitoa itseäsi
In this section, I have listed a few exercises to help you if you are interested in getting to know yourself on a deeper level. These have been a huge help on my own journey toward adulthood and authenticity. Finding your true, authentic self is like peeling an onion. It happens layer by layer, and you return to the same themes over and over again. It is good to constantly question and challenge yourself, while always remembering self-compassion and kindness.
I hope these will help you on your own inner journey.
💥 Who am I?
Who am I if I cannot use roles or titles like mother, sister, project manager, wife, husband, brother, etc.? This has been one of the best exercises for me on my own journey of self-discovery.
This is a great question to return to time and time again.
Fill in the blank: I AM______________
💥 Mirrors! Next, we will take a look at the people closest to you.
Every single one of them mirrors (reflects) some trait in you.
So, take out your notebook and examine them honestly. Dare to write down all the qualities you admire in them, the ones that annoy you, the ones you like, the ones you dislike, and so on. It is especially valuable to pause and look at the traits that irritate you. That is where the greatest gifts are hidden! Let me give you an example so you understand what I mean.
What if you are annoyed by a loved one's constant loudness and swearing?
You could ask yourself, for example:
- Is there a learned behavior pattern in me where I was told that swearing is ugly?
- Do I control my own behavior too much—the "good girl" syndrome?
- Do I make myself smaller in front of them because I am intimidated by their loudness?
- Do I dare to take up space in their presence?
- Do I dare to create distance when needed?
- Do you feel that you are not being respected? If so, you need to examine how you respect yourself—and whether you do at all?
I remember when I used to think my ex-husband was lazy. As it turned out, it wasn't that he was lazy, but rather that I was too pedantic and controlling. I couldn't relax at all if everything wasn't absolutely perfect. He always did his share, but I was the one who was never satisfied. At that point, however, I didn't realize that it was about me, not him, and that he was simply mirroring these traits back to me.
So, it is never really about others—the arrow always points back to yourself.
Now, look at your results. What traits did you find? What thoughts do these traits bring up for you? Do you recognize them in yourself? Do you find traits that you would like to change or develop? What about traits that you like and appreciate? What other thoughts does this exercise spark in you?
NOTE! This exercise only works if you are brutally honest with yourself!
💥 How we speak to ourselves and how we see ourselves.
This is an extremely important factor on the journey toward self-love, self-respect, and self-acceptance. The following exercise is incredibly powerful. You can make it even more effective if you find a partner to do it with. One of you stands in front of the mirror, while the other sits quietly on the floor. No comments are allowed, and your facial expressions should not change, no matter what the other person says. The goal is truly to be heard and seen without any reaction. This is also a great way to learn presence and the art of active listening.
The Exercise:
Stand in front of a mirror (in your underwear or naked, so you can clearly see every single feature of your body) and start listing everything you think is wrong with you. Start from your toes and go all the way up to the top of your head. Do not skip a single spot! Be meticulous. Write down every single detail. What are all the things you don't like about yourself?
After the exercise, take a look at your list. How long did it turn out to be? How does that list make you feel? Are the things you listed actually true? Why do you perceive them as flaws? Who has criticized you in the past? Or more accurately, who is your worst critic?
No one outside of ourselves can put pressure on us. We do it entirely to ourselves.
How does that sentence make you feel?
We cannot change anything until we become aware of it. What if you are actually completely perfect just the way you are? How does that thought feel? What emotions does this exercise stir up in you? How would it feel to stand in front of that mirror again and just look at yourself, without a single comment or any desire to change or fix anything about you? Instead of criticism, how would it feel to accept that belly roll or crooked toenail?
Remember to write down your thoughts and feelings!
If you did the exercise with a friend, you can share your thoughts after both of you have stood in front of the mirror and listed all your flaws. What reflections did you have? How did it feel to hear how your friend sees themselves?
This exercise opened my eyes to the sheer amount of self-criticism I carried—it was downright merciless. My eyes were opened even wider when I listened to others: "This can't be true, how can they see themselves that way?" In my case, criticizing myself was brutally unforgiving, and it was most often the root cause of my insecurity, stress, overachieving, controlling behavior, and self-inflicted pressure.
💥 Connecting with your emotional world!
I genuinely had no idea that I wasn't connected to my emotions, or that I had pushed them down into the deepest corners of my soul. Now, it is time to face them! Life becomes a thousand times easier when we finally, once and for all, just let our emotions exist and surface. It brings an completely indescribable sense of freedom, and in the end, it isn't nearly as terrible as we have imagined.
The only way to learn this is to just be and feel. Let's take anxiety, for example—the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. Before, I used to run away from it, trying to escape the feeling. Now, I feel it. I let myself feel anxious to the absolute max! I just sit with it, breathe, and let the anxiety happen. I allow the anxiety to be seen so that it can leave me through love and acceptance. If I feel sadness, I let it be. Maybe I'll have a good cry, but above all, I feel the sadness with every single cell of my body. If I feel anger, I give myself permission to be mad as hell! To the absolute fullest! I might have to swear a lot or punch pillows at home. It doesn't matter, as long as I feel my emotions completely.
Here are a few signs that you are NOT in touch with your emotional world:
- You feel uncomfortable when someone shows their emotions, for example, by crying, grieving, or being angry.
- You find it draining if someone opens up about their life to you.
- You try to comfort or change the other person's emotions—saying things like "don't worry, everything will work out"—instead of just being present and letting them feel.
- You feel anxiety or pity for others.
- You sweep things under the rug instead of facing them.
- You don't have clear boundaries.
- You don't dare to say what you actually think.
- You fear other people's emotional reactions.
- You nurture and help others at your own expense.
- You view things in black and white, filtering everything strictly as negative or positive.
Dare to pause and feel, to the absolute max!
💥 Slowing down!
Being in a rush is the "worst enemy" of your personal growth. Therefore, calming your mind and nervous system is extremely important.
Challenge yourself to quiet down. To be with yourself without any distractions. What do you have to say to yourself? I even used to say quietly to myself: "Alright, I am here now and fully present for you. I am listening. Tell me everything!"
Leave your phone at home and tell your family that you are taking 15 minutes of alone time for yourself. Do not use headphones or listen to anything—not even music—during this exercise. It is best if you can take a short walk or sit on a park bench for a moment; in other words, don't stay at home where there might be noise and distractions.
As you walk or sit, let your mind wander and buzz. Let all your thoughts come without trying to quiet or stop them in any way. Just be, and let everything else be exactly as it is at that moment, without trying to change a thing.
How did this exercise feel? Write down your thoughts if you feel like it. Little by little, you can extend the time from 15 minutes to 20 minutes, and even longer.
Congratulations! You have just succeeded in your first meditation exercise! Meditation doesn't mean you have to sit cross-legged in silence. It simply means that you quiet down.
Slowing down the pace of your life brings an immense amount of inner peace. Your breathing slows down, and your stress levels drop. Your personal power increases. Suddenly, things don't feel so overwhelming anymore. Inner pressure and self-inflicted strain decrease. And your self-acceptance grows.
💥 The practice of forgiveness.
"Envy and resentment are like poison you drink yourself, while expecting the other person to die from it."
Learning the art of forgiveness was truly important for me. It didn’t mean that I condoned what happened, but it freed me from all the negative emotions toward the other person. Forgiveness also didn’t mean that I wanted to stay in touch with the person who had hurt me. This was especially true if they took no responsibility for their actions and never apologized to me. I was able to forgive, but not forget.
I did this exercise in the evening before falling asleep, repeating quietly in my mind five (5) times:
"-------- (person's name), I forgive you."
Little by little, this practice removed the sense of injustice, resentment, and even the anger I carried inside over what happened. Slowly, the emotional turmoil caused by the event began to fade, and eventually, I was able to let go of the whole thing—after pocketing the lessons it taught me, of course!
The second practice was forgiving myself. This was a massive help for feelings of guilt.
In the evening before going to bed, I would calmly say quietly in my mind five (5) times:
"I forgive myself."
I have done and said many things that have hurt others throughout my life. I have also felt guilt over things like motherhood, being a friend, being a partner, and so on. This forgiveness practice brought a beautiful sense of self-compassion into my life and helped me grow as a human being. It was the perfect exercise as I was unlearning perfectionism and learning to embrace imperfection and a fully human life.
These exercises might seem so simple they're almost silly, but they are among the most powerful ones I have ever done! In fact, I still do both of them whenever the need arises.
Give them a brave try!
💥 The art of reflection
You know how toddlers throw tantrums when everything doesn’t go their way? Well, unfortunately, many adults do the exact same thing. When traffic isn’t moving the way they want it to. When a neighbor doesn’t behave exactly as they would like. Or when a spouse doesn’t do things precisely the way they would.
An emotionally mature adult possesses good emotional skills. They are able to manage their emotions and no longer project them onto the outside world. They understand that there are a million ways to be in this world, and their own way isn’t the "only right way." They also realize that the world doesn’t revolve around their desires—it takes all kinds of people to make a world. So, things won’t always go "the way I want." Because of this, they reflect and turn inward instead of reacting!
When you start changing learned behavior patterns, you first need to become aware of them. Let’s say you’re at the grocery store, the checkout line is long, and it isn’t moving at the pace you’d like.
This is a perfect opportunity to practice reflection instead of reaction (like throwing a tantrum at the cashier):
- Why am I annoyed by the slowness of the line?
- Why am I in a rush?
- Why am I impatient?
- If I feel anger, where is that anger truly coming from?
- Is the pace of my life simply too hectic?
- Do I have too many things to take care of?
- Am I putting too much pressure on myself?
- Could standing in this line actually be a "meditation exercise"—some alone time where I practice patience?
- Did I head out to do errands too late and fail to budget enough time?
- Can I just accept the situation and let my heart rate drop?
You can practice reflection every single time you’re about to react to a situation. Try to catch yourself at the exact moment you're about to react, and stop that reaction right in its tracks: Before, I would have behaved this way or that way; now, I pause, breathe, think for a moment, let the emotional reaction settle, and only then choose how to act. And ask yourself: does the situation even require a reaction, or just acceptance?
At first, it’s challenging, but in time, this too will become a new behavior pattern that you won’t even have to think about.
I remember that my own "ultimate test" was traffic. The old Saija used to throw absolute fits when others messed up on the road. I reacted every single time, because of course, I was a perfect driver. I knew I had won and that my reaction exercises had finally paid off when I stopped reacting to anything or anyone while driving my car or riding my bike! What a sense of peace fills me nowadays whenever I get behind the wheel! I enjoy driving to the absolute max!
An emotionally mature adult is capable of constructive conversation instead of throwing tantrums. We cannot control the outside world or other people, but we can control our own reactions to them. Not everything in life will go the way we want, and that is one of life’s biggest lessons. By accepting this, we make things so much easier on ourselves.
If you’ve written with your right hand your whole life, but now you have to learn to write with your left, the only way to do it is through practice. Over and over again, until it becomes a new habit. Learned behavior patterns run very deep inside us, so patience and mistakes are allowed!
❤ I hope these exercises are helpful to you! ❤
With hugs,
Saija 😍
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