FRESH START

Suomeksi: Uusi alku

For a while now I have had this desire to “start fresh”, but there has been no inner clarity on how to do it. And yesterday I realized that I can not start fresh without my past. I respect it too much just to “erase” it totally. I wouldn’t be me without my past. 

Yesterday was an amazing day with wonderful surprises and I ended up home happy after a long bike ride. I had a beautiful encounter at an art exhibition with the artist herself and it opened my eyes to see things yet again from a new perspective. For me it is amazing how openly I have been able to write down my thoughts so that I can get clarity for myself.

And that’s why I am here again!

“I don’t care that much what it is that I have done and when. Instead I am more interested in how the people I’ve met have affected me and the person I am today.” - Saku Tuomisto - 

Well to be honest, I am a little bit interested in what I have done, but absolutely, the biggest reason for my inner change has been the people I have met and how they have affected me. 

For the past year I have been mostly by myself, isolated you could say. Not only did I need time for myself, but my body has been going through a big transformation. All the pain that was hidden somewhere deep inside of me, now surfaced. As emotions, but also as a physical pain. My mind and my body were really going through it. Some days I was able to move my body some way, but there also was a time period where she couldn’t do anything. Ex-completer-Saijas back pain was at times so bad that I didn’t know which way to be. 

Rewiring my nervous system from survival mode to peace and trust mode has not been easy. To be honest, I don’t think I am quite done yet, but at least I am in a much better place than let’s say, a month ago. 

At some point on my healing journey I realized that therapy alone was not enough for me. In therapy my mind got understanding about past events and the traumas they have caused, but it was very important to start to FEEL those emotions I have suffocated for so long. For that I needed something else than therapy. For me this was yoga, energy treatments and other methods, so that I was able to get quiet in front of my body. And to feel! This was my way to get connected to my body. My body, who is the carrier of all my stories and emotions, my most important messenger. 

Yesterday I was reading one of my diaries that I started to write at the beginning of 2024. I couldn’t read it that long, because the days were so similar; peaceful mornings, long walks and grocery shopping. Otherwise, home alone. Accompanied by Netflix. The change was so huge, since I came back to Finland from a 120 m3 apartment and from a social culture, to this situation where I am basically isolated in a 20 m3 flat. I was very surprised to see how much business and people controlling their lives had increased in Finland within these years I was away.

For me, coming back to Finland meant that I had to go back, one more time, to my old role and go through my relationships here one by one. The more authentic and honest I became, the more I was left alone. I have spent Christmases, labourdays, Easters and other holidays alone. I simply was not invited. Or then I didn’t want to go anymore. 

I have lived without schedules, busyness, community, hand to mouth. I haven’t had money to travel or buy new clothes other than from flea markets. 

I have gotten countless amounts of “knives in my back” without apologies, explained my being and feelings way too much and I have taken too much criticism based on someone else's triggers. It was very sad to notice that I was not in anybody’s priority list and I was left alone with my challenges. 

I have sat hundreds of hours by the lake of Tuusula thinking deeply. I have walked millions of kilometers listening to music. I have watched thousands of movies. Countless hours laying on my sofa and staring at my walls or clouds. I have had my own sparkling wine parties and laughed with tears in my eyes to Insta reels. 

I didn’t have a place to run away from myself. No summer cottage, no trips abroad. I had to dive deep into my soul and really clean the rest of the shit out of me. Whether I wanted it or not.  Ego death after ego death, rebirth after rebirth. Many times I have wondered how many people could have gone through what I have gone through and survived. And I almost did not. 

After reading my diary I notice how much letting go I have gone through. Not just the inner world (fears, conditioning, traumas and so on), but also in my outer world. 

But you know, nothing is a coincidence! When everything outside of me was gone (people, money, community and so on), I found all inside; support, safety, responsibility, love, respect, presence. All that I used to look outside. “From now on, I will always be here and I will never ever abandon you again!” All the masks and stories of others were lost for good and all that was left was the authentic, real me. 

And when I got into this space, this huge inner peace that I have never experienced before, occurred! 

Now gone is drama, disloyalty, lying, gossiping, sarcasm, manipulation, people pleasing, back stabbing, meetings scheduled somewhere in the future. And what is left is real people who accept me just the way I am. They are not jealous and they don’t need or expect anything from me. We don’t ruminate about the state of the world or how others live their lives. No one is being judged nor looked down on. We don’t need to be right nor coach anyone. We don’t have to prove that we are right, but all views are welcome. 

They CHOOSE me in their lives just as I choose them. They make time for me and they actually WANT to spend time with me. With them I don’t have to think whether I can call or not or are they talking shit behind my back when I am not around. They will stick up for me even when I am not present. And every chat is so very fruitful! 

The way I see this world is that every person close to me is a mirror to some part of myself. And the more I did inner clearing the more the outside mirrors (people) started to change. Of course. My outer world is a straight reflection of who I am inside. 

If you talk shit about others behind their back, I am 100 % sure that your inner talk is criticism. I am talking from an experience. So yes, I have been and done all the things mentioned above and I have now outgrown all of it. 

It is so cool to get in touch with your own inner being and find this loyal, bighearted lady who is joyful by nature, authentic, loud, quiet, talkative, thinker, questioner. Who loves people, but needs a lot of alone time. And who loves being alone now. Who is calm, patient and sometimes totally fucked up. Who loves to write and to decorate. Who loves colors and nuances. And plants. And trees. 

I can forgive, but I remember what I have learned. I listen, but I can now stand up for myself. I am kind, but not a doormat. I am emphatic, patient and even understanding, but I will not be manipulated or disrespected anymore. I am a peacemaker, but I will keep my boundaries. I am straight and direct. I am gracious, but I don’t want toxic behavior close to me. I care deeply, but I will never again neglect my own needs. I love unconditionally, but sometimes it has to be from a far. 

I am ridiculously sensitive to energies and before I thought it was a weakness. Now it is one of my superpowers.  I can sense straight away, if something feels off. I can sense lying, schemes, masks, fake friendliness, traumas, fears, everything. Words can be anything, but I feel the energies underneath the words. 

I have learned not to explain my being or my inner journey with people who have not gone through it. They can never understand me. This is a waste of my precious time. I don’t care at all what others think of me. I don’t take anyone's words personally. 

Through my superpower I have learned that people reveal themselves within a few minutes. Who they are. Now I don’t see the “potential”, I see the truth. Before I was listening with my triggers, now I truly hear what others say. I will not carry anyone in any way anymore, so abound me, everyone has to take responsibility for themselves fully. And I am not your therapist. 

I know exactly what kind of energy I want around me and I will not compromise. With right, mature people, living is easy. It is commitment, choosing, respect and love. The phones will ring both ways. 

I am not perfect and now I don’t even expect myself to be. I fuck up and make mistakes, but I take full responsibility of them. I know how to apologize and I will learn from my mistakes. That’s why I am here on earth, to learn! I will never be a holy person, but highly conscious for sure!

I have done as much shit to others as I have gotten back, I am sure (karma is a bitch!). But this toxic circle has now ended. 

My values are in order. 

How cool is it that I am the most poor I have ever been in my life and yet, I have never been this rich. My value doesn’t come outside of me, nor from someone else's likes or words. 

You know, you can get knowledge from books as much as you want, but wisdom and skills come from experience. From going through shit, from doing and from making mistakes. And this, almost 20 year inner journey, has brought me so much wisdom that you can not measure it with money. It is priceless! I can see now clearly that I have shared my wisdom with people who do not appreciate it. They are not willing to learn more about themselves, nor do they have the ability to self reflect.

Questioning everything, even my own thinking for sure, is a sign of wisdom!

I don’t need comments or advice anymore. I trust myself and my inner guidance fully. But, I will always be curious about new perspectives. 

Who the hell decided anyway what is the “right way to live”?!?

I am sure that all of us will go through some kind of hell here on earth, so could it be time to have some grace? For ourselves and for others. I don’t know why “I woke up”, but there is nothing I could be more grateful for. 

The world is missing love, respect, backbone and accountability at this moment and without them there can not be true freedom. I am very proud to be one of those who does not add suffering into this world and I truly have healed myself. 

I am very proud of myself and my bravery. 

“The planet does not need more successful people.

The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, 

storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.”

Huggs,

Saija 😍