Actually, of cause, my crew is here. And I mean all of them. Victoria (my higher self), Roger (my ego), Cynthia (my god fairy), Papa (my spirit guide) and rest of my spirit team. We are all very quiet and just like astonished. We look at each other and before we know it, we burst into laughter. We hold our stomachs and laugh! We did it! We actually did it!
"I feel like I have been in labour for ten years! The contractions kept on coming and coming. Yes, I had some Epidural at times, but then..... Uh, the contraction was there again!" I am trying to explain this to my crew, but I just can not stop laughing.
Cynthia is giggling. "This is a good description", she says. "All the darkness you had to let go, it was not easy. Can you now see how much this darkness (beliefs and fears) you people have inside of you? Oh boy, this surely has been a process for all of us. Phiuh", she sighs.
All of us, we do agree. It was Thursday 12.12.2019 when I feel like I was taken through a mill. Oh my! I truly thought that I will not survive. The amount of anxiety and pain, it was overwhelming! I was crying on the floor and just shouting "please let me die! I can not take this anymore!" I kept on breathing (hahhaaaa, just like in labour) in and out. All I could do, was be. Feel. Let these emotions run through me. This was the day, that "the old Saija" died. She was gone. Roger was resisting the change so much, that the Universe had to put him down to his knees. "There was no other choice", says Victoria. "In the new, there can not be any controlling. There can not be any expectations or trying and Roger, oh boy, are you a stubborn one! This was the only way to tame you."
Roger agrees. There is no way he can deny this. He was stubborn. He wanted to keep me safe. His idea of keeping me safe, was to keep me where I am without changing anything and without letting me grow as a person. "But now, all my fighting abilities are gone. I am just so tired of fighting against these bigger forces, because I understand now, that my way, was old. And heavy."
We all hug him, because we love him so much! It is not like he is out of a job now, it is just going to be different. He will be keeping me safe if I cross the street or if I will be attacked by a lion (we are all laughing), but he is not able to keep me where I am anymore. Now the power stick is totally in Victoria's hand. She is the leader now.
"Oh Roger! I wish that we could have gone through this in a easier manner", she says. Well, me as I have been feeling this "fight" in my whole body, am nodding. "But I love Saija so much, I just didn't want her to get hurt! I did what I thought was best for her." The whole crew, me included, are nodding again. He just did his job, that's all. But now, the job description is changing.
Let me try to descripe how I feel. It is like, I am clean inside. No doubts, full trust. Right now, I don't feel fear even if you tell me that I have to go and run naked across America. If it would be my soul's mission, I would just go and do it. No hesitation. I don't think about money, creating, future, where to live or when my partner is coming. I just trust. All will be brought to me in Divine Timing. Papa in nodding. "Miha, you don't have to worry about anything, all you have to do is be and trust." I am so grateful to Papa and my crew for this. I know they will take care of me. Roger's willpower to fight against this Universal power, is gone. So is mine.
I notice that every morning I wake up and the first thing I do, is I feel myself. Do I feel anxiety and frustration? I said I don't have any fears, well, this is one. I got so used to to the fact that I had one or two days break (epidural :o) between and then we went again. Back to frustration and anxiety, diving into the darkness (contraction phase). Up and down. Up and down. Like a rollercoaster! But now.... I am clean. I can not get back to anxiety anymore. I just can't, even if I try. This is so weird! I am just happy. At peace. And this joy. It is like it's bubbling inside and the wave is just getting bigger and bigger.
The whole crew is clapping their hands. They are so happy for me that I can finally experience these feelings and this existence that they knew was there all along, but that I couldn't see. I had no idea!
"What if you wake up in the morning and your hear is still up and you are in your nightgown. Dishes are in the sink and the apartment is a mess. Then your doorbell rings. And you open the door and Johnny Depp is there. What would you do?", asks Cynthia with a smile on her face.
Wow, quite an image you gave me there Cynthia. But I would just invite him in and ask if he wants to have morning coffee with me. And then we would probably have a nice chat. "Oh, I love this!!", says Cynthia and claps her hands. "You finally see that no one is more higher or better then you. Or lower for that matter. I love it!"
I found my way back to the baby Saija who was so heart broken. She was so broken, but now she is healed. She is whole again. And all this time I was thinking that someone outside of me, will make me whole. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, my mom, my dad or someone. But all along, it was me. And my crew of cause! This is the most holy place I have ever been. This inner peace and the love that I have for myself. This connection to everything. Seeing the MUCH bigger picture, that I could have never ever see "in my old life". Behind those fears and beliefs, is freedom. True freedom as an authentic individual. Me and my crew, well, we will celebrate this victory in our own bubble for a while. Now it is time to rest and allow the body to heal as well. Relax and just live in a moment. When ever it is my time to "get to work", Victoria will tell me. But now. We embrace and welcome this rebirth that finally is here. My healing work is done and this is all I have to know at this moment.
