ROGER'S FIT
Yesterday evening our crew were finally able to get some clarity about our next move. We were able to book the flights and the accommodations for one month. At least now we have a place to go and where to stay. When we get to our destination, it is easier to go with the flow again.
For most of these two months, I have been quite calm and relaxed even though it seemed that we just can not get any answers. Until yesterday I realized that I had put unrealistic expectations on the shoulders of the Universe. Like the Universe is the one who is supposed to bring something magical in front of me. Well, anything in this life is possible for sure, but I understood at the same time, that reading too many writings of others and watching too closely on how their life unfolds, you start to compare yourself to them. I feel like this is an automatic system for me. It just happens without me even realizing it. I can now clearly see the danger of the social media. Sometimes, specially when you in front of big decisions, it is maybe better to close them off.
Yesterday evening, I thank god, was dropped again, back to the earth and back to the fact that this is my life and that it is my responsibility. I don't have to create expectations towards me or how things should have unfold. This time the decision was difficult, because the destination is far different, than what Roger (my ego) had imagined to us. And as I booked the flights yesterday.... Oh my. For the first few moments, our crew were kind of numb. Feeling like, "what ever". But then Roger got crazy!!
OMG! For a while now he has been in our team and very calm and cool. He has been supporting me big time and I have felt so safe. But now, it is like his whole world got shattered! He went nuts!
"What the hell are you thinking", he was shouting at me. "How the hell do you think that this decision will ever move you forward?! You are fat! You are old! Where are you going to have your morning coffee? Where are you going to wash you clothes? How the hell are you going to live? Do you think that the money will fall from the sky? Why is it so difficult for you to just get settled somewhere and have a solid, normal life? What in god's name is this decision going to bring to you?" And on, and on, and on, and on.....
Our crew have to give credit to him though. He has such an imagination! He came up with things, that we could have never ever even think about! And his out burst is still going on?! He has been shouting now for almost 24 hours! Respect :o) !!!!!
Of cause, his out burst is hard on my body. I feel symptoms like panic attack, anxiety and huuuuuge fear! But our team has learned that it is better for him to "empty his balloon" instead of trying to interfere to his process. So I keep on breathing, in and out. I go for a walk and let him talk. I come in, do the dishes and let him talk. "Keep it coming, keep it coming, let it all out! What else, what else?", I say to him. And he finds yet another 10 reasons why we shouldn't take this leap of faith.
"Do you see no love, how all the old programming is coming out?", asks Victoria (my higher self). Oh yes, I sure do! I come from a family and society where drama and negativity was the main way of looking at things. "Always expect the worst! Nothing in life comes easy! You have to fight for your living! Do as you are told! Hard work pays off! Life is a suffering! Do not enjoy too much, because next minute something bad will happen! Hide your happiness! Don't tell anyone about your good luck or you will loose it! Don't think too much of yourself!" Oh my! Do you see now what I have to put up with for 24 hours?!
But if I am honest, I have learned to respect these bursts of Roger's. This means that self love is making more space inside of me and as Roger is shouting these old programmings out, bit by bit, I start to feel lighter. The old darkness is falling away. The old beliefs that have been keeping me small.
"It is like..... Well, when Roger is acting like this, it is like he is doing the inner cleansing with a huge vacuum cleaner", laughs Cynthia (my god fairy). "And I have to say, that now he is really doing a thorough job!" I have to agree!
"This is normal reaction of his, because first of all, he wants to keep you safe. So for him, it would be easier if we would just stay where we are without changing anything. This is what he knows, so his job of protecting you, would be so much easier. The second thing is, that we are so used to being trapped into the old beliefs, that Roger gets very scared when he knows, that we are heading towards freedom. As crazy as it sounds, for most, freedom is very scary. So it is for him. We all want it, but when it actually is offered to you, for some, it is impossible to grab to this kind of opportunity", says Victoria.
"Freedom is something that we are not used to. We are used to other telling us how to be and how to act. If and when you decide to step into a more free life, you need to be able to leave everything outside of you and only listen to yourself. This means take responsibility. Until taking responsibility of you life becomes normal state of being, it takes practice and for sure, the Universe will deliver all kinds of tools (people and events) to test your commitment to you own freedom. This is why it is easier to stay in the "normal" way of living, because then you don't have to do this. You can only truly be free, when you step fully into your own power. Not what others think you should be or do and not put it in Universe's shoulders either."
"So Roger is scared as hell, because the more we start to take responsibility of our lives, the more freedom we get. The more we practice this, the more "jobless" he gets. Well, not jobless. It is just that the job description changes for him. And as we know, change is always scary", continues Victoria.
So we allow Roger to talk. Let him rage and shout. Now we all see this as a blessing, not a curse. "And we have to remember, that he is also practicing surrendering. And he must fall into his old habits as do we. So no one is perfect. And this is what life is all about. Learning. It is like in school. You can not learn to write within one day, but by practicing this new skill", says Cynthia.
We can see that he is getting calmer now, minute after minute. As he gets our unconditional love, it is like the air is blown out from his balloon. Finally he comes to sit next to me, he takes my hand and sits there quietly. I hold his hand and I wait.
"I am so sorry. I don't know why I am so scared. I love you so much and I just want to keep you safe. As I am saying all these things, I feel terrible! I know they are not true! You are not ugly or old! You are one of the most beautiful souls I know! So I am sorry....", Roger says crestfallen. I kiss him on the cheek and I tell him that I love him. I assure him, that with our strong team, we will be fine.
"And what if, just what if, we could start to learn, that things can flow to us easily? That life don't have to be suffering? That we learn to accept things as they come and we actually learn more and more to enjoy life's smallest things?, I ask him.
We all sit quiet. We all agree. This is where we are now as a team. Learning new ways of being. Still getting scared when big changes are around the corner. But we are strong. And we will make it. And now, as a team, we agree, that we will do our level best to enjoy this last week in this apartment. Very soon we are surrounded by people and action and it feels so very good! But for now, we will enjoy our dance and yoga practices here in our small house and in our own privacy. Just a few days more.
For most of these two months, I have been quite calm and relaxed even though it seemed that we just can not get any answers. Until yesterday I realized that I had put unrealistic expectations on the shoulders of the Universe. Like the Universe is the one who is supposed to bring something magical in front of me. Well, anything in this life is possible for sure, but I understood at the same time, that reading too many writings of others and watching too closely on how their life unfolds, you start to compare yourself to them. I feel like this is an automatic system for me. It just happens without me even realizing it. I can now clearly see the danger of the social media. Sometimes, specially when you in front of big decisions, it is maybe better to close them off.
Yesterday evening, I thank god, was dropped again, back to the earth and back to the fact that this is my life and that it is my responsibility. I don't have to create expectations towards me or how things should have unfold. This time the decision was difficult, because the destination is far different, than what Roger (my ego) had imagined to us. And as I booked the flights yesterday.... Oh my. For the first few moments, our crew were kind of numb. Feeling like, "what ever". But then Roger got crazy!!
OMG! For a while now he has been in our team and very calm and cool. He has been supporting me big time and I have felt so safe. But now, it is like his whole world got shattered! He went nuts!
"What the hell are you thinking", he was shouting at me. "How the hell do you think that this decision will ever move you forward?! You are fat! You are old! Where are you going to have your morning coffee? Where are you going to wash you clothes? How the hell are you going to live? Do you think that the money will fall from the sky? Why is it so difficult for you to just get settled somewhere and have a solid, normal life? What in god's name is this decision going to bring to you?" And on, and on, and on, and on.....
Our crew have to give credit to him though. He has such an imagination! He came up with things, that we could have never ever even think about! And his out burst is still going on?! He has been shouting now for almost 24 hours! Respect :o) !!!!!
Of cause, his out burst is hard on my body. I feel symptoms like panic attack, anxiety and huuuuuge fear! But our team has learned that it is better for him to "empty his balloon" instead of trying to interfere to his process. So I keep on breathing, in and out. I go for a walk and let him talk. I come in, do the dishes and let him talk. "Keep it coming, keep it coming, let it all out! What else, what else?", I say to him. And he finds yet another 10 reasons why we shouldn't take this leap of faith.
"Do you see no love, how all the old programming is coming out?", asks Victoria (my higher self). Oh yes, I sure do! I come from a family and society where drama and negativity was the main way of looking at things. "Always expect the worst! Nothing in life comes easy! You have to fight for your living! Do as you are told! Hard work pays off! Life is a suffering! Do not enjoy too much, because next minute something bad will happen! Hide your happiness! Don't tell anyone about your good luck or you will loose it! Don't think too much of yourself!" Oh my! Do you see now what I have to put up with for 24 hours?!
But if I am honest, I have learned to respect these bursts of Roger's. This means that self love is making more space inside of me and as Roger is shouting these old programmings out, bit by bit, I start to feel lighter. The old darkness is falling away. The old beliefs that have been keeping me small.
"It is like..... Well, when Roger is acting like this, it is like he is doing the inner cleansing with a huge vacuum cleaner", laughs Cynthia (my god fairy). "And I have to say, that now he is really doing a thorough job!" I have to agree!
"This is normal reaction of his, because first of all, he wants to keep you safe. So for him, it would be easier if we would just stay where we are without changing anything. This is what he knows, so his job of protecting you, would be so much easier. The second thing is, that we are so used to being trapped into the old beliefs, that Roger gets very scared when he knows, that we are heading towards freedom. As crazy as it sounds, for most, freedom is very scary. So it is for him. We all want it, but when it actually is offered to you, for some, it is impossible to grab to this kind of opportunity", says Victoria.
"Freedom is something that we are not used to. We are used to other telling us how to be and how to act. If and when you decide to step into a more free life, you need to be able to leave everything outside of you and only listen to yourself. This means take responsibility. Until taking responsibility of you life becomes normal state of being, it takes practice and for sure, the Universe will deliver all kinds of tools (people and events) to test your commitment to you own freedom. This is why it is easier to stay in the "normal" way of living, because then you don't have to do this. You can only truly be free, when you step fully into your own power. Not what others think you should be or do and not put it in Universe's shoulders either."
"So Roger is scared as hell, because the more we start to take responsibility of our lives, the more freedom we get. The more we practice this, the more "jobless" he gets. Well, not jobless. It is just that the job description changes for him. And as we know, change is always scary", continues Victoria.
So we allow Roger to talk. Let him rage and shout. Now we all see this as a blessing, not a curse. "And we have to remember, that he is also practicing surrendering. And he must fall into his old habits as do we. So no one is perfect. And this is what life is all about. Learning. It is like in school. You can not learn to write within one day, but by practicing this new skill", says Cynthia.
We can see that he is getting calmer now, minute after minute. As he gets our unconditional love, it is like the air is blown out from his balloon. Finally he comes to sit next to me, he takes my hand and sits there quietly. I hold his hand and I wait.
"I am so sorry. I don't know why I am so scared. I love you so much and I just want to keep you safe. As I am saying all these things, I feel terrible! I know they are not true! You are not ugly or old! You are one of the most beautiful souls I know! So I am sorry....", Roger says crestfallen. I kiss him on the cheek and I tell him that I love him. I assure him, that with our strong team, we will be fine.
"And what if, just what if, we could start to learn, that things can flow to us easily? That life don't have to be suffering? That we learn to accept things as they come and we actually learn more and more to enjoy life's smallest things?, I ask him.
We all sit quiet. We all agree. This is where we are now as a team. Learning new ways of being. Still getting scared when big changes are around the corner. But we are strong. And we will make it. And now, as a team, we agree, that we will do our level best to enjoy this last week in this apartment. Very soon we are surrounded by people and action and it feels so very good! But for now, we will enjoy our dance and yoga practices here in our small house and in our own privacy. Just a few days more.
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