ISOLATION HAPPINESS

For the longest time I have had this feeling of "not belonging" anywhere. I mean I have friends and family of cause, but somehow my lifestory is being the outsider. I am very very sure that there are many of us who don't seem to fit in or have this feeling of "not belonging". 

I resisted this for the longest time, so I tried and tried. I hanged on to my old life like my "life would depend on it". I called, I suggested dates, I made the affort. Sometimes it did work, sometimes not. I always had the time, but people are living busy lives and so the calls and the meetings got less and less. 

Until finally, I desided to let go. Fully. I was thinking that the people who really care and in whose priority list I was in, would definitaly contact me. I basically stopped forcing any connections, I stopped glinning and attaching and just let go. 

And it got silent. For sure, I got calls every now ant then, but there was only one person left, who really made the effort, always had time for me and everything between us is somehow so easy and flowing. It is so natural.

Well anyway. At first I felt so alone. I was in Finland where I didn't feel comfortable and now, I didn't really have people with who to build my life here. As we all know these last years have been quite intense for all of us, so I felt like I was left alone in a fucked up situtation where I would have needed support. Until.

I saw one of my acquaintance and we had a Shaman Drum healing session. Oh my god, how powerful it was. She could see this wound of deep deep loneliness that I have been carring ever since I was born. Even in my past lives. I don't know what happenned in that session, but that deep deep feeling of aloness just disappeared! It was so strange at first, because this "not belonging" had been such a big part of my personality and now it was gone!

I was fine! I was okey being by myself! Actually, I even prefer it! How cool is that!

And then I understood why I have had this feeling for so long. It is only after I had cleared a lot of old shit that I could truly start to get to know "the new me". In a deeper level. This can not happen, if I am busy and always surrounded by lot of people. And the crazy thing is, I am now very okey without people!

I love my own energy! It is light, I love the joy that I have inside of me and I love the way my soul and body are guiding me everyday! Sometimes I am tired in the morning, but I try to force myself for a walk. So I dress, I go outside and pum! My body is like "no, not now, maybe not today" and I have to turn back inside and back to the sofa. I love just being and watching the trees from my big windows. I love the slow way of living without any schedules to follow. How happy can a person be just by lying on the sofa under a warm blanket!

I am so happy for this isolation, because I know this is what I need right now. For the first time, I am putting all my focus on me without any distractions. Why I felt so alone and had this feeling of "not beloning" was, because I was not giving enough attention to myself! I was always looking for this feeling outside of me while it was always already here, inside of me!

I found my way home, to me and ever since, there has not been this feeling of "not belonging" anymore. I belong, because I was born here on this earth! If and when there will be people in my life, they are just a beautiful extra in my life, but there are no attachments or expectations what so ever!

It is so beautiful when I surrendered to this phase in my life, to this isolation, how much my inner peace has grown! I know that what ever is meant for me, will find me and will come when it is time. This isolation that has lasted for so long with only few people in my life, has been needed. 

I am in a state where I am bit by bit discovering "what is my purpose". Why am I here on earth. Before and yet still now, my purpose has been healing and clearing. Bit by bit I am, however, starting to get courious about passions. I have lived a life dictated by others, but now it is my turn. I am taking the wheel of my life and I am the only one driving. I don't care what others say or think. Let them.

I know that I am living a very different life than my busy friends. My goal is not to be busy, but to create. My goal is to take very good care of my inner peace. I don't have time for drama or conflicts anymore. My goal is to take it easy and enjoy my life more. My goal is to have more fun and do more of those things that I love (as soon as I discover what they are 😂). Well, I guess at least I know what I don't want and that is a good starting point. 

As this isolation goes on and this "digging deep" moves deeper, I start to understand the quote: "everything is already inside of you". This is such a new thing for me still. From inside out, I know this and yet, I did still look the answers from outside of me. 

Well, this is a new thing and so I keep practising. I am eager to learn more about me and "how can I fill my cup". I understand now that I needed to empty my inside in order to get to know me. Everything everything happens first inside, before it can manifest in a physical form! This requires patience, courage, time and isolation. 

This world feels heavy, but in my own space, I feel lighter and peaceful. So sometimes I go out, sometimes not and now all of this is okey. I allow people and things come to me and I want this to happen naturally. Sometimes I am availabe, sometimes not. 

It is okey to let go, this is life and letting go is part of it. I want all my relationships be like they would be "the birds in the palm of the Universe": If you allow them to fly free and they love you, they will always come back. Not by force, but because they want to, by free will with support and commitment". That is what unconditional love is. It is based on trust, truth, effort and loyalty. 

For now, I am enjoying my isolation phase fully! I am very excited to see where I am heading. Allowing life to be a mystery, I actually get more excited then if I would go mountain climing. I am this important to me! All I know right now is that this phase is needed and that I will be moving soon. Oh yes and that I love music and writing! 

For me, this is quite enough right now! What next minute, next day or week will bring, let it stay a mistery and let me be surpriced!

ENERGY LANGUAGE

I am so fascinated about energies. I have been aware of different energies for a long time and yet I feel like I have only touched the surface. I am eager to learn more! The more I clean my inner being, the more energies I feel. How cool!

You know the feeling when you enter the room and straight away you can sence the atmosphere? This is how sensitive we are to energies without being fully aware of it! Everything and everyone effects us a lot, because everything and everyone has their own unique energy. I call it "the energy language". 

Every country, every city, every person has their own unique energy language and now I want to share something personal. 

Today I want to share a personal picture that shocked me when I made it. The difference is so huge. This picture is a perfect excample of the energy language. What happens when the energy language is aligned with your own. You will find the picture little later on the text. 

So, as you know, I was born and raised in Finland. The country of the Santa Clause and the country where they say are the happiest people in the world (I am sorry, but this is a statement I am questioning big time 😂). 

As I started to go deeper into my traumas I realized that I need space from Finland and my home town. Basically from everything here. Not, because I was mad or because I was blaiming anybody, but just for me. To have the energetic space to feel, heal and spend time with myself. 

So I headed to Africa and for sure, not only healing, but to learn a lot of new skills that I didn't have before. This invironment forced me to learn relaxation, letting go of control, to set boundaries. Bit by bit I started to come more feminine. Specially later in my years there (since I have been there on/off for 14 years), I started to enjoy my feminine features more. 

This space from Finland also gave my soul a change to expand! I found so much new features from myself! Finland has a very limiting energy that keeps my soul very contracted. Finnish people carry a lot of shame and guilt and we are taught from a very small kids not to keep noice, to be humple and if something good happens, don't "brag" about it, but keep it to yourself. 

When everything is very controlled, it takes the joy out of life. The busy lifestyle that we have here doesn't leave any room for relaxation. You have to do do do all the time or you are a very bad person. I am sure that this mentality will be found from other countries too, not only Finland. 

Africa is about hassling, but somehow the energy still is different then here in Europe. When I was walking in the streets, I can say that everybody greets you. So you are seen! Even the strangers give you compliments and again, you are seen. This does boost your selfconfidence. No matter what anybody says, my own truth is, that the outside world HAS TO support your own being energetically and this makes you shine, expand! You can love yourself fully, like I do, but when the invironment doesn't support this, it is hard. To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable here and this has nothing to do with my self-esteem or the love that I have towards myself. I just don't fit into this energy, period.

Now, I want to make it very clear that I am not writing this to put Finland down and Africa up. No no. This is about me! This is about the energy language of these two countries. This is about my own energy language that has changed so much after a lot of healing. I have just outgrown the energy language of Finland. That's all. This is not a judgement towards the country I was born in and also this is not a statement that life in Africa is like a paradise! There are good and less good features in both!

This is about becoming aware of what suits you. What energy language you feel the most aligned with. 

Now, I will show you the picture. This is what happenned to me physically when I left Finland in 2019. I was 51 years old. I went back home to Africa in March after being in Finland about a year. It was just before the covid. The picture on the right side was taken about two years later, so I would be 53 years old. I was shocked when I saw the difference. This is what literally happens when the energy language is a match with yours!

To be honest, I started to cry when I saw this picture. It gave me so much understanding about how I feel when I am in Finland. I was trying and trying and trying to fit in and feel alive here. I seriously though that there was something wrong with me, because I can't.

It is very dangerous when in spiritual circles we use quotes like: "when you can be happy where you are, you will be happy anywhere" or "be grateful for what you have" or "life happens for you, not to you". OMG, these frases make me so angry, because for me this is total bullshit! What a fucking mental rape it is to say something like this to someone when they are experiencing something heavy in their life! We really really need to break all the old spiritual boxes and understand that we are energy and we have our own energy language! And some people, places and countries support your energy language more then others! 

When you are aligned with your own unique energy language, gratefulness and gratitude comes naturally. It just happens! You don't have to force it. When you feel your heart is singing, how can you not be grateful? In those moments, I surely don't take nothing, absolutely even the smallest thing, for granted!

My authentic truth at this very moment, here in Finland is that I am at peace with the situation and not trying to force things to move forward, but am I happy? No fucking way! I want more! I want to shine! I want to feel lighter! I want to laugh and bring the woman in me outside to play for everyone to see! I am loud, I am emotional, I have fire and fuck! I need more energetic space!

So, even if this picture made me cry, because at the moment I do look like the lady on the left side (not a critism towards myself, just a fact), it also gave me a huge feeling of relief! It finally hit me that no matter what I would do here, even if I would stand on my head for days, the energy that I need to expand, can't be found here. I finally stopped forcing myself to this energy mode and gave myself permission to leave. To live somewhere else. 

So, the lesson of this writing I guess is, that everything around us effects our being big time! Choose wisely! If I wouldn't have gone to Africa for a holiday long time ago, I would have never ever had the experience of how much my own energy can change and expand! Thank god I did! 

Ps. This expandion in your energy language happens for example, when you go for a holiday. Isn't it so that on a holiday you are more open, free and relaxed? And can you imagine, that this expanded version of you just might be who you truly are! Just saying... 

I know that eventually I am heading towards energies that support my soul and my being and for that I am so happy. And yes grateful too 😍😅!

OH MY GOD!

As I am continuing my own unique journey, I for sure, am breaking all the boxes I used to believed in. Freedom to me is a state of mind and finally understanding that no label can define my soul. I just am me. All of me. Period.

You can call me sister or wife, but deep inside I am free from those labels. I am a soul who came here to play with other souls no matter what label we try to put into ourselves. Freedom.

You can say I am Finnish, because I was born in Finland, but deep inside I know, I was born on earth without borders and that the whole world is my playground. Not just Finland, but the whole world. Freedom.

Because I went through a yoga teacher training, you can try to put me in a box called yoga teacher, but to me, it is just another skill on my tool box. It was another way to get to know my soul. Freedom. 

I believe in some bigger force, let's call it the Universe. I don't belong into any religious movements, because my religion goes beyond human made institutions. Mostly, I believe in myself, so I can believe in others. Freedom.

All my human life (or lives), there has been institutions that are controlling us in so many ways. Coverments, religions, families, race, cultures and so on. Today religion came to my mind, because my grandmother was quite religious and I remember we even went to Sunday school with my sister as a child. For some reason I never could really relate with any form of religion. I did feel peace and somehow more connected to some bigger force when I was in church, but something in me knew that I don't need to put my spirit into a box named by someone else. 

All religions are, at the end, based in fear and they are man made. Based in control. Don't do this or that or you will go to hell. If you think differently or you dare to question anything, you will be abondned. If you don't believe as we do, there will be a war. Women don't have the same rights as men and the priests are misusing their positions. Even cults are formed based on Jeesus or God. 

This is not for me, because the way I see it is that god is love and love doesn't control with fear. It doesn't demand anything, it just is and accepts everything and everyone just as they are. What I have discovered is that I am god and so are you.

Genesis 1:27 says: 

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

As I am freeing myself more and more, I have to break the box of religion too. Religion is too limiting when the Universe is everything. Freedom.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a judgement towards any religion or religious movement. Everybody has a right to have their own beliefs.

It is just that for me, it doesn't work, because as the sentence above says very clearly, we are the images of God. We are it!

And this is something we have forgotten. We are giving our own God abilities into the hands of someone else. And all this time, as we pray to some "man" outside of us, we are actually praying to ourselves! It is not once or twice that I have been praying, because I do pray. It is just that lately I have understood that I am actually praying myself to help myself. 

"You're the only one who can save yourself." - Jackson MacKenzie -

From the experience I can say that this is true and if I have this kind of power, it is a big thing! And to me, this is a proof that I am the image of God. Inside of me I have a part of this big force we call the Universe.

As I understood that only I can save myself and I started to do my inner work, things started to happen, nice events and not so nice events, so that I could find my way into my own heart, my own power and my own peace. And this is the God, the force in me, that no one outside of me can ever take away. 

Because we have been so controlled and manipulated, I don't think we truly understand how powerful we are! Even me, I am just starting to understand glimpses of it. 

As I do my inner work, my inner peace grows. I get less reactive, I don't create drama or participate into others drama. I am becoming more loving and gentle. I have more compation and empathy. I am accepting everything and everybody as they are without any judgement. I know how to take care of me and I stand firmly in my own truth. So, I am starting to see everything from a higher perpective. Before all I could see was my own little world and the problems in it. It was all about me and my little life. Now it is different.

I am still very important, but at the same time I start to understand that I am part of something bigger. Something that a human mind can not explain or ever understand. What ever I do, affects the whole world, because it affects the collective energy. 

So what kind of a God do I want to be? The kind that creates more misery and fear or the kind that creates more love, compation and acceptence? More freedom (ps. remember that true freedom comes with huge responsibility!)?

As I am the image of God, my job as a human is to create a better world in co-operation with the bigger force that I call the Universe. It starts from me. Step by step. First by saving myself and from there, allowing my energy to expand further to everyone I meet. 

Oh my God! I love this! It is so powerful when you finally take the magic wand into your own hands. I am the creator! I am the one I used to prayed for. I am. And this, this is freedom!

HERO'S JOURNEY

In this world inner work is not valued at all. As we chase money and fame, we hurt, betray and kill along the way. For ages there has been many beutiful people who have been trying to fight for love and peace. And yet, it has not happenned. We still keep on hurting our closest people, because we are hurt. Traumaticed. If plan A is not working, how is it that we can not see, that we need is start plan B. And this, this is called "the hero's journey".

Me and Victoria wanted to have a chat about this today.

I don't know what in me awakenned and I started therapy. I do remember that is was yet another bad experience with men. It is like the same shit repeated itself over and over. Just the faces were changing. I didn't understand it then, but even with the help of therapy, I still kept repeating the same stories. Only now, after 15 years of healing and after very hard experiences I can only hope that I know better. 

"Yes, my love. You are here to learn how to truly love yourself. Unconditionally. This is something this world don't know much about yet. Humans think they do, but the truth is the opposite. This is why we need plan B and that is the inner work. Only by healing oneself, can we heal the world. Until then, the same stories keep repeating as you have seen in your own life", says Victoria.

This is true. I know that as I heal myself, I get lighter and lighter inside. My inner peace keeps growing and I don't react.... well, basically to anything. I observe, I am aware, but I don't participate. 

"This inner journey is a heroic journey. If it would be so easy, everybody would do it. But it is not. It is messy, painful, requires a lot of patience and mirrowing. The deeper inside you go, the more you start to question everything. Your life, your values, the people in your life, your job, your relationships and so on. This is very scary to people. Loosing what you have is so scary, so you settle. You settle for a job you don't like or a relationship that might satisfy your basic needs, but leaves you empty inside. And when you do this, you start to feel angry. Resentful. And you get angry. You start to get irretated and eventually, you start to take this bad feeling outside of yourself. To your go-workers, to your partner, to your kids, to someone driving a car next to you, to your neighbour."

"Humans think that they are good when they don't hurt others with violence. That is not true. As long as your actions or words hurt someone, anyone, you are part of the problem here on earth. If you judge, manipulate, lie, cheat and so on, you are part of the problem. Unhealed, wounded individual who creates more hurt as you go", says Victoria. 

"This is why we call this inner healing journey a "Hero's journey". It is only for those who chose in this life time to be brave enough to do this. This is one of the hardest things you can do as a human and as you said in the beginning, it is so not valued in this world. And yet, the difference you make to the whole collective as you heal, is huge! Bit by bit, one individual at the time, the collective energy is changing."

"And as the collective energy gets lighter, more noice the darkness will keep. This is the by product of the healing all of you are brinning into this world."

"It is no more about "fighting against", but doing your inner work. Only this way, we can truly change the world. It is about facing your demons, so that they can not hurt you or anyone else anymore. It is those demons inside of you that need love the most. They need to be seen and heard, huged and healed", says Victoria. 

Well, for someone who was always looking for compliments from others and trying to get validations for my actions, I find it very interesting, that as I am healing, I don't care about any of this anymore. 

I am doing my "job" just by being. Healing and changing my own energy is something that happens by being. I lay on my sofa and breath. Or maybe I sleep, because when I sleep, I am totally relaxed and my body and soul are free to work when my mind is not on the way. Or maybe I go for a walk, so that my energy system can get fresh air. Or I do some twerking, because this shaking releases old energy from my body. This work is invisible to the outside. And let me remind you that it is not a "9 to 5 job", but ongoing 24/7 job with no salary what so ever!

"I am so proud of you love", says Victoria. "I am so proud of everybody who are doing their inner work, their healing work. No one notices it. You get lot of blaim from others. You get a lot of reactions from others. You get so very little understanding and feel so alone sometimes. And the thing is, the more you heal, the more you feel. Things that you didn't feel before. The heaviness of the world. Other peoples energies. And so you have to isolate yourself a lot."

"I feel such a huge sympathy towards all the people who came to this earth in this lifetime to do this. I am so very proud of all of you that words are not enough descripe it. You are all so unvalued and unsupported by this world in every way."

"But let me asure you that as more and more people awaken and start their own hero's journey, things will shift for your favor. Old systems will start to collaps, all the corruption, all the abuse, everything like this, will start to come to the surface. Not only collectivly, but in peoples lives. All that is not based on truth, will eventually be exposed. And this, will start to awaken people more."

"The sea, it is made of billions of drops. So it is with the collective energy grid. Each and everyone is connected to this grid and as the healing goes on and more and more people join this journey, the grid starts to change. Change for more loving, more caring, more truthful and more unconditional. This is how the change is made in the world. Not by "fighting againgst", but BECOMING the change you want to see in the world. One person, one drop, at the time. And this, my love, is the plan B: The Hero's Journey", says Victoria.

I love it and I am very proud to be one of the hero's among so many others. This job is silent, not visible and yet, we keep doing it. Not only for ourselves, but for the earth, for others, for humanity. We all have this deep desire to see this world as a loving place where everyone is accepted and appriciated. Where each and everyone is seen as beautiful and where everyone can be just as unique as they are. 

This, my friends, is the hero's journey. You can not impress me anymore by big cars or tittles or money. But I am very humple in front of all these hero's who have come to earth at this time to heal and change the world. I am at aaah! because I know what it takes to do this. I salut you my sisters and brothers, who are doing this with me. Even if no one else gives you credit and recognition, I do. With all my heart. 

We will outshine this darkness. Love will always win. Always. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you 💕

TIME TO SING MY OWN UNIQUE SONG

My days lately have been quite intense. Yesterday and today has been different. I don't know what is happening, but always after these days where I feel like old shit are been squeezed out of my system, I feel like I can fly! So much lighter and more trust in my own flow. 

Monday I was doing my yoga practise and in Shavasana I got this image where I was about 12 years old. I was in my dads old house where he had all his music stuff like microphones, guitars and so on. How he had arranged the wires were so that I could put an old record playing and then I turn the microphone on and I would be the lead singer. I remember how much I loved it! I loved to sing! I love love love music! For a moment it was just me, music and my own voice. Nothing else. How wonderful!

I didn't quite understand why this image came to my mind, because I haven't been singing for a long time. I haven't really have the urge to do it. It doesn't excite me anymore as it used to. And I knew this image was not about me actually singing, but something else. 

This morning I left my house to have a walk like I usually do and I put on my headphones, so that I can be in my own world and just listen my own music or podcasts. Today I chose a video from Y-tube. 

After listening it for a while, I hear these words: 

"It is time to sing your own unique song."

And as soon as I heard this, I knew why I had seen this image of me singing. And as soon as I got this insight, Victoria (my higher self, my soul) came to me so strongly and wanted me to hurry up home and start my computer. She has something important to say and it is somehow powerful. So I will free the stage for her now.

"Thank you my love! Thank you for listening me!", she says. 

"As you heard those words today, it activated something in you. A remembrance. This is a DNA level activation, so this is very important."

"It is time for you to start to sing your own song. Only yours. Not what others want or expect. Not what others had told you. Even if someone thinks you are selfish or that you don't care for others. Even if it looks nothing like "the norm". No matter how it looks like, it is time to clame your right to sing your own song!"

"This is your life. It is that simple. All the humans have different blueprint, different DNA and different soul missions. For so long humans have been put into the same boxes and this is truly breaking now. There is no one like you. No one else have what you have and so it is with others. This is why it is time to leave all the boxes and just be you. Do you fully, no matter how it looks like. Just as everyone has a unique singing voice, so is with lifes journey."

"I urge you to leave behind all the guilt, all blame and all shame. This is very old and heavy and keeps you stuck in the old circles. They are not serving the new you anymore. It is time for them to go, because very soon things will be changing for you and we don't want you to carry these emotions anymore."

Same goes with "what others think" and thoughts like "what if someone gets angry". Let them. You are not hurting anyone by living your life as you are guided from inside. If someone gets upset, let them. It is so simple."

"By singing your own song and owning it fully, you are living with an excample of how things will be in the future. By honoring your own song (life journey), you honor others. By living only through your authentic truth, you are not only setting yourself free, but you are doing so to others too, so that they can find their own songs to sing, if they are willing. The only person your life has to make sence, is you. No one else and now I am asking you to finally accept this fully."

"Things are shifting very fast and this is why I need you to be confedent with your own song, with your own life. Things will start to happen soon and there will be times where you own truth will be tested."

"Sing your song and allow everyone react just as they do. Let them get angry or sad, bitter or jealous. Let them feel like you abandon them or any other feeling that comes up for them. This is not yours to fix and by allowing them feel all that they are feeling, you are giving them a change to heal. If they want."

"You are not being selfish, but self supportive and self loving. This might be new to others, but then let it be so. Again, this is not your issue to solve, but theirs. If they want."

"This takes a lot of courege, but this has been your mission all these years. Write even if no one else is reading it. Sing even no one is listening. Dance even if there is no partner to dance with. Just do it, because you feel it. Not by force, not for money, but because it brings you joy!"

"No matter how your song sounds like, it is time to sing it and never again allow anyone to tell you that your song is not beautiful or it is out of norm. Your time is at hand and only your can sing this particular song! We are about to fly and you need to be confedent enough to jump off the cliff. Trust that the wings will appear, because they will."

"You have always been a singing bird and now, finally, you are allowing yourself to hear your own voice and yours alone."

I just absolutely love this! I am feeling this so very deep inside of me and it makes me so very very happy! Sometimes energy is hard to explain. You have to feel it. But this is powerful shit and I feel it in my core! 

I am in a situation where I have to deside if I am going to please other people or am I "going to sing my own song". Now I know what to do. 

Thank you Victoria! Love you to the moon and back. My song is just getting started!