RELATIONSHIP THOUGHTS

Today I have to call my team in, so Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are here. Today I want to talk about relationships and how I am navigating them these days.

"What is in your mind, my love", asks Victoria.

Well. I feel so anry right now, I say. "Why, what has happenned?" Victoria asks.

I feel angry to myself, because yet again I have given so much without getting much in return. This is the story of my life and I am sick of it! I am tired of always being "the bad guy" of the story. I give, I give and I give. I forgive, I forgive and I forgive. I keep giving another changes hoping that the other person would finally deliver something in return, but it just doesn't happen! And I repeated this circle again! I should have know better. With this awareness that I have, I should have already know, that I can not change anyone! I should have already know that they can not give me more then they are able to give themselves! And I should have also known, that expectations lead to dissapointments. And yet, I fell in my old ways and into my old being. AGAIN! And I am so angry!

"Love, don't be so hard on youself! Remember what we talked about in our last post. We were talking about exploring and learning. This is what has happenned, you have learned a lot!" says Victoria. "You know, you have to remember that you are a very emphatic person. You feel so very deeply other peoples pain, their traumas and fears. You can really step into their shoes and you truly want to help. There's nothing wrong with that. Right now, you are finally learning your selfworth and clear boundaries."

This is true. It is just so... old to me! I had to take a distance from my own mother, because I knew that if I truly want to heal, I can not be around her. She really hasn't dealt with her own traumas and she was mirrowing her past from me too strongly. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, it is just that in order for me to become whole again, I needed to take a step away from her. And you can imagine how people blame me for it. I am the bad person here. 

"Leaving your mother and most of your family, was something that you did out of selflove. This was you protecting you. What people don't understand is that you didn't do it just like that. It was NOT a desision you made lightly. You thought about it, you sat with it, you took your time and finally understood that before people take responsibility of their own healing, it is impossible for you to get what you need out of any relationship", says Victoria. 

Today I had to make a difficult desision too. I had to let someone go and I know in my heart that I have done all I could, but I truly can not safe anyone. And I am okey with this decision even thought I am scared, alone and have no clue what is going to happen next. But I gave so much, once again and I did put my own needs in the background. And for this, I feel so angry! I thought that I love myself more! I was sure that I would never ever do this again! And again, I am the bad person here. Unappriciated, cold and mean. 

"You know love, that any of this is not true. You have shared your essence with a person who is not capable to take it. Your loving heart is just too much for someone who doesn't love themself. This has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the other person", says Victoria. "And you did learn a lot, didn't you?"

I did. I rather be alone than in a relationship where I am being used and where I don't get anything emotionally. In order to feel a deep intimite connection, all of the people involved need to be connected into their own inner world and feelings first. And I deserve so much more. It is just not easy, because this world is so broken. People are broken and they truly don't even realize it. And instead of digging in, they put their shit on you. 

"Love, now you know. Now you learned. And even if you would have to do it one more time, it is okey. Then it is like that. This is a perfect learning process for you to understand that you are doing the best you can in each moment and this is enough. You can not change NOTHING you don't see. How people see you or how they treat you, tells everything about them, but nothing about you. You deserve to be loved, taken care of and it is about time, you start to open your heart for receiving. Maybe now you finally understand, that you are so very worth it", says Victoria.

She comes and gives me a big hug. I have tears in my eyes. This journey is sometimes so lonely. I MISS PEOPLE! As an emphatic person, it is hard for me to understand, that people in my life, can not show me the same kind of symphaty or support, as I am able to show them. 

"But you do have people in your life who do that for you. They love you as you are without asking anything in return. And they are there for you. They accept you just the way you are. And love, isn't it wonderful that as you let go of something that is not good for you, you make space for something that is more then perfect to you. What others think doesn't really matter. All that matters is how you feel and that you know, you did your best!" says Victoria. 

This is true. With this writing I am now sending a message to the Universe that I got it! I finally got it! No more this shit! I deserve support in all ways! I deserve people who don't blame me or call me names, just because they are too affraid to look in to the mirrow. If this means, that I have to be even more selective about the people in my life, then so be it. If I have to set even more clearer boundaries, then so be it. If I have to be by myself even more, then so be it.

"Unconditional love is something this world of yours just don't know yet and even if some do, it is very scary still for many", says Victoria. "Many have done their inner work and are stepping in their power with unconditional love. But there is a divine timing in everything, so it is with this. Your will meet the people you deserve when it is time. Being a forerunner is not easy, but you are strong enough to go through this."

Deep inside of me, I know, she is right. No matter what the Universe has put in front of me, I have gone through it. Tomorrow is 10.10. Endings and beginnings. Let this be the end of me being too giving and let this be the beginning of me deserving. Specially in my relationships with men. I don't have to settle for less anymore just because I am affraid that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. Then so be it. I will be okey. 

And Victoria is right. I did learn a lot. I fell in love with "potential", instead of "what really was". 

"Honey, you will pull in a person who is a match to your energy. You will. Just allow yourself to heal now from this experience and give yourself time. It was supposed to go this way, because you are being prepead for something great! More better than you can ever imagine! So forgive yourself and the others and trust that everything will unfold perfectly", says Victoria. 

I will. The process is on! I know I did the right thing and I also know that I did do my best. Now it is finally time to put myself first and get little bit selfish. In a loving way. 

"We will be more than okey, we promise!", says Victoria and Roger. They take me into their arms and here we stay, in this safe place for a while. All is going to be well.

NEW BEGINNINGS - EXPLORING LIFE!

We, as humans, go through many new beginnings during our lifetime. I haven't really though about life this way before, but as I look at my old posts here and in my other blog (Perfect enough!), I realize that I have been writing about "new beginnings" several times. How many posts end to a phrase "I am in front of something new"!

Now, for sure, everytime you leave your job or you end up a relationship, you surely are in front of something new and unknown. But this "new beginning" that I am refering here, is more about internal shifts. Let me bring in Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego), so we can have a more deeper talk.

"Love, you can explain in your own words how do you see these inner shifts that you call new beginnings", says Victoria. "I am sure, that you are the expert, since it is about your inner world". 

Okay, I say. Let me try. 

As I have gone through this inner healing process and I am able to shed my old fears and beliefs, my inner being and energy has shifted big time. Sheding an old belief doesn't happen in one day, but it is a process and it takes what it takes. The first thing that happens is, that I SEE (I become aware) of it. Let me give you an example. 

I might start to feel uncomfortable all of a sudden. First I acknowledge the feeling. Then I sit with it and let it "talk to me". Where is this coming from? Why am I feeling what I am feeling? Like, now for a couple of days, I have had this feeling of "being so very old and tired". It makes me feel heavy and lifeless. So I allowed it to be and suddenly yesterday, I got the answer of what is going on. My mom and my grandmom were always complaining about their health and inventing diseases that were not existing! This was, of cause, so they would get the attention that they needed from outside of them. But this inventing bodily problems where there were none, made the energy feel "old and tired". And I am still carring this energy! 

Well, now my healing process is on, since I can see where this inner feeling and heaviness is coming from. Phase two, for me, is to let it take what it takes. The most important thing for me, is that I know it is going out from my system. If I feel like I have to do something about it, I will. If I need to talk to someone, I will. These days, this process goes quite naturally and I really don't have to do that much. I just allow this knowingness to be there and then one day....BUM! It is gone and I am more free and light! And here is where we get to the "new beginning" part!

"This is so interesting!", Victoria says with enthusiasm. "I love this! Then what? Tell us, tell us!" I smile to her and continue my story. 

So, everytime a belief or a fear is cleanced out of my system, something heavy and dark is removed. This old energy is replaced with new, fresh and ligher energy. This energy doesn't allow me to live in an old way. Now, I am not saying that clearing one belief or fear will feel like a "new beginning", but of cause it might. How the process has gone with me is, that after clearing loads of old beliefs and fears, I am in a new state of being. I am in front of, what feels like, a new beginning. When my inner world changes, my energy changes. This means that I don't "pull in" the same experiences anymore, but the ones that are a match to my new energy. So my external experiences change hugely! And this is always, to me, like a new beginning!

"This is so beautiful lovie!", says Victoria. "You are becoming to a inner place where you are starting to understand, that life is not to survive, but to explore. Like Christopher Columbus!", she laughs.

YES! I love this! 

"You were send here to earth in this lifetime to break free from the old ways of being a human. Instead of surviving and working in order to get bigger cars or houses, you now start to understand, that we're born to explore and experience. To learn! Some experiences cost more than others, but that is okey. And when you start to understand this, you don't cry over the money "you lost", because you didn't actually "loose anything", but learned a lot! Money well spend for exploring, isn't it?", she smiles.

I love this perspective! I am truly a adventurer who came here to have fun and explore everything that life has to offer. In my survival mode I was not able to understand this, because my inner world was so full of other peoples belief and teatchings on how life should be lived! But I am ready yet another new beginning! This one will be in a life flow. Exploring, experiencing, trusting, not knowing, listening my inner guidance and my intuition, adventuring and thriving! No more surviving mode! No thanks!

To Rogers, these adjustments and these new ways of being, have been taking a little bit time. He hasn't really let go easily on the ways he knows. "I am sorry, again!", he says. "I just want to keep you safe and it terryfies me that I don't know these new ways of being that you are talking about. For me it is not easy, if I don't know. How can I protect you then?"

"But at the end, you always do know", says Victoria. "We are a team and we are in this together. We all learn as we go. And we have to give big thanks to Saija that she has been so patient with us. Our battles are not easy on her or her body, but she has been so brave."

"This is true", says Roger. "She has been very brave and patient too. I just love her so much and I am willing to do what ever it takes to keep her safe. But Victoria, you are right. We are in this together and we will know what to do, when it is time to do it. So I feel more calm and at ease now."

Thank god for me, I laugh! This inner battle between my heart and my ego, is not an easy inner process for sure. And as I say this, Victoria and Roger come to me and we gather for a group hug. Biiiiiig squeeze!

"Welcome our new beginnings, as many as it is meant to be! We will go through anything together and we are stopable! Let the true exploring and thriving begin!"