ROGER'S FIT

Yesterday evening our crew were finally able to get some clarity about our next move. We were able to book the flights and the accommodations for one month. At least now we have a place to go and where to stay. When we get to our destination, it is easier to go with the flow again.

For most of these two months, I have been quite calm and relaxed even though it seemed that we just can not get any answers. Until yesterday I realized that I had put unrealistic expectations on the shoulders of the Universe. Like the Universe is the one who is supposed to bring something magical in front of me. Well, anything in this life is possible for sure, but I understood at the same time, that reading too many writings of others and watching too closely on how their life unfolds, you start to compare yourself to them. I feel like this is an automatic system for me. It just happens without me even realizing it. I can now clearly see the danger of the social media. Sometimes, specially when you in front of big decisions, it is maybe better to close them off.

Yesterday evening, I thank god, was dropped again, back to the earth and back to the fact that this is my life and that it is my responsibility. I don't have to create expectations towards me or how things should have unfold. This time the decision was difficult, because the destination is far different, than what Roger (my ego) had imagined to us. And as I booked the flights yesterday.... Oh my. For the first few moments, our crew were kind of numb. Feeling like, "what ever". But then Roger got crazy!!

OMG! For a while now he has been in our team and very calm and cool. He has been supporting me big time and I have felt so safe. But now, it is like his whole world got shattered! He went nuts!

"What the hell are you thinking", he was shouting at me. "How the hell do you think that this decision will ever move you forward?! You are fat! You are old! Where are you going to have your morning coffee? Where are you going to wash you clothes? How the hell are you going to live? Do you think that the money will fall from the sky? Why is it so difficult for you to just get settled somewhere and have a solid, normal life? What in god's name is this decision going to bring to you?" And on, and on, and on, and on.....

Our crew have to give credit to him though. He has such an imagination! He came up with things, that we could have never ever even think about! And his out burst is still going on?! He has been shouting now for almost 24 hours! Respect :o) !!!!!

Of cause, his out burst is hard on my body. I feel symptoms like panic attack, anxiety and huuuuuge fear! But our team has learned that it is better for him to "empty his balloon" instead of trying to interfere to his process. So I keep on breathing, in and out. I go for a walk and let him talk. I come in, do the dishes and let him talk. "Keep it coming, keep it coming, let it all out! What else, what else?", I say to him. And he finds yet another 10 reasons why we shouldn't take this leap of faith.

"Do you see no love, how all the old programming is coming out?", asks Victoria (my higher self). Oh yes, I sure do! I come from a family and society where drama and negativity was the main way of looking at things. "Always expect the worst! Nothing in life comes easy! You have to fight for your living! Do as you are told! Hard work pays off! Life is a suffering! Do not enjoy too much, because next minute something bad will happen! Hide your happiness! Don't tell anyone about your good luck or you will loose it! Don't think too much of yourself!" Oh my! Do you see now what I have to put up with for 24 hours?!

But if I am honest, I have learned to respect these bursts of Roger's. This means that self love is making more space inside of me and as Roger is shouting these old programmings out, bit by bit, I start to feel lighter. The old darkness is falling away. The old beliefs that have been keeping me small.

"It is like..... Well, when Roger is acting like this, it is like he is doing the inner cleansing with a huge vacuum cleaner", laughs Cynthia (my god fairy). "And I have to say, that now he is really doing a thorough job!" I have to agree!

"This is normal reaction of his, because first of all, he wants to keep you safe. So for him, it would be easier if we would just stay where we are without changing anything. This is what he knows, so his job of protecting you, would be so much easier. The second thing is, that we are so used to being trapped into the old beliefs, that Roger gets very scared when he knows, that we are heading towards freedom. As crazy as it sounds, for most, freedom is very scary. So it is for him. We all want it, but when it actually is offered to you, for some, it is impossible to grab to this kind of opportunity", says Victoria.

"Freedom is something that we are not used to. We are used to other telling us how to be and how to act. If and when you decide to step into a more free life, you need to be able to leave everything outside of you and only listen to yourself. This means take responsibility. Until taking responsibility of you life becomes normal state of being, it takes practice and for sure, the Universe will deliver all kinds of tools (people and events) to test your commitment to you own freedom. This is why it is easier to stay in the "normal" way of living, because then you don't have to do this. You can only truly be free, when you step fully into your own power. Not what others think you should be or do and not put it in Universe's shoulders either."

"So Roger is scared as hell, because the more we start to take responsibility of our lives, the more freedom we get. The more we practice this, the more "jobless" he gets. Well, not jobless. It is just that the job description changes for him. And as we know, change is always scary", continues Victoria.

So we allow Roger to talk. Let him rage and shout. Now we all see this as a blessing, not a curse. "And we have to remember, that he is also practicing surrendering. And he must fall into his old habits as do we. So no one is perfect. And this is what life is all about. Learning. It is like in school. You can not learn to write within one day, but by practicing this new skill", says Cynthia.

We can see that he is getting calmer now, minute after minute. As he gets our unconditional love, it is like the air is blown out from his balloon. Finally he comes to sit next to me, he takes my hand and sits there quietly. I hold his hand and I wait.

"I am so sorry. I don't know why I am so scared. I love you so much and I just want to keep you safe. As I am saying all these things, I feel terrible! I know they are not true! You are not ugly or old! You are one of the most beautiful souls I know! So I am sorry....", Roger says crestfallen. I kiss him on the cheek and I tell him that I love him. I assure him, that with our strong team, we will be fine.

"And what if, just what if, we could start to learn, that things can flow to us easily? That life don't have to be suffering? That we learn to accept things as they come and we actually learn more and more to enjoy life's smallest things?, I ask him.

We all sit quiet. We all agree. This is where we are now as a team. Learning new ways of being. Still getting scared when big changes are around the corner. But we are strong. And we will make it. And now, as a team, we agree, that we will do our level best to enjoy this last week in this apartment. Very soon we are surrounded by people and action and it feels so very good! But for now, we will enjoy our dance and yoga practices here in our small house and in our own privacy. Just a few days more.

PRACTICING TRUST AND "THE NOW"

I have known for almost two months now that I am leaving my old house. Maybe my old home town. Maybe Finland, my home country. The weird thing is, that the answer to the question "where am I going", is not coming. Less then a week and my house has to be empty and I have to be out of here. But where am I supposed to go?

It seems that the collective theme for the last few weeks has been about "going with the flow" without forcing anything, being flexible, staying in the present moment and just trust, have faith, that everything will be sorted out. Nothing to worry. But still, I wanted to gather my crew to have a chat about this.

"I never knew, when letting the house go, that I would be in this position at this time. I was sure, that by now, I would already have a clear plan where and what. But it seems that nothing resonates, nothing is calling me. It is like there is no place in this earth that would feel like home", I say to my crew. "This doesn't make me sad, but it makes me curious. Where will I be taken to?"

"Are you questioning your decision of letting the house go?" Victoria (my higher self) is asking. "No, not at all. This is actually the only thing at this very moment I am sure about", I laugh.

But Roger (my ego) was not going to settle for this. He was the one who wanted to make a plan. So together we decided to make one just to keep him happy. For three days we went through different options where to go, because at that point, he wanted to go somewhere abroad. I have to say, that this was a bit of a struggle, because we didn't wait for the right time. Instead we "were forcing" a solution, just to make Roger happy. I did feel this in my whole body to be honest! Uh, old ways.... Heavy!

Anyway, this is what we did and thank god we have friends all over the world, so there were plenty of options. So me and Roger, we chose one and we were able to book an apartment. This was a time where "I fell into my old ways" and I end up asking advises from my friends. Big decisions like this are hard to make by your self! "And specially if you are forcing it", I laugh. So the suggestions of my friends, just made me more confused, because as we know, me and my crew are the only ones who can know what is best for us. This is the process of leaving the old ways and learning the new. A process my team is in and this is why we allow everything and don't deny anything. We have to allow ourselves to "bang our heard's to the wall" as many times as is needed in order to let the old ways go.

So just to keep Roger quiet and relaxed, we made a plan knowing all along, that it is meant to be left open. So yes to the accommodation, but no to the flights. We have to keep ourselves open for changes and fast movement. Yes, I have been packing the stuff in the house, so I am prepaid that way. It is just the clothes and few minor things that are hard to pack as I am not sure where I am going. So now I am practicing staying "in the now". All I know at the moment is, that I am here, soon to be my ex apartment and writing this text.

"Victoria, what is going on?" I ask her. "Well love", she says. "You are now learning to trust the divine flow and the divine timing. You are learning how to live in the moment and how to enjoy it, instead of stressing about it. It was a very clever thing, that you allowed Roger to have a plan, because he is also learning these new skills. It is not easy for you and for sure it is not easy to him", she laughs. "There are pieces in this Universal puzzle that are not aligned yet and this is why things seem to be unclear. But all is taken care of and I will tell you as soon as I get the info. All you have to do, is relax and trust."

Oh, I knew she is going to say this. And the truth is, that I am relaxed. There was a incident this week, that shook Roger for a bit. He got upset, irritated and disappointed. So I allowed him to feel this, but to my surprise, it didn't last that long. "In the old days", this process would have taken him days, but now, within an hour, we were back in balance. "We are so proud of you Roger", we all tell him.

He is smiling and says "Thank you guys! I am practicing, for sure. But I am committed to this new way of being with all of you and so I am doing my level best to adapt this." This is true. I am so proud of him. We allow him to practice by accepting and loving him fully as he is going through this transformation. We love him, as he loves us and we know that he has committed himself for this new way because he wants to be part of our team, not fight against us. Sometimes this requires compromising.

And so we keep going with the flow. I keep on practicing this "staying in the moment" and trusting and to my surprise, now that Roger is on board, it is quite natural for me. Even if our balance is shaken up by something outside of us, I bounce back to my center so fast! And I am content again. I just don't stress. Quite opposite, I am excited! I accept the situations and the days as they come and well, that's it. Who would have known that former completer and control freak could live like this?!

"Can you see now love, how well you are protected by the spirit?" asks Victoria. "You are in your safe cocoon where you can practice these new skills in your own pace, without any distractions. You are now creating a base for your new way of living and being. Nothing is solid, because this is not how your life was meant to be. You chose to be here at this time and break all the old beliefs about how we are supposed to live our lives. Staying in the same job or living in the same house for all your life. And this is totally fine, of cause, if this is someones soul path, but it is not yours. You are meant to flow. You had this two months time to get stronger inside, before we send you out in to the world. And remember, that world is Finland too! This say this just so you understand that any destination is as good as another. I have this feeling that we are not going to stay in Finland, but I can not say anything solid yet."

"But can you see love, how all this time after new year, has been given to you as a gift, so that you can see what is it that you no longer want in you life. You are releasing so much old stuff, but you can not feel or see it yet. But it is happening. Now you are so solid in your own truth without caring what others say. This is what is needed from you as a leader. Because leader you are. Leader of new ways."

"When we have been stuck in the old ways of being for so long, it is necessary that when we start something new, it goes to the extreme. It is the only way to keep the balance for a while. But as more and more people adapt and tap into the new energy, the opposites don't have to be so far away from each other. You understand? Good example of this is that for the longest time, we have been living in such a hard, masculine world where our souls and spirit where totally forgotten. Too much violence and bad things happening. So to even the energetic scale, so to say, came spirituality, femininity, softness and it went "over board". Or this is how some humans see it. But it had to be this way, so the energetic balance was kept on earth. This is what is happening now too with this flow, trust and living in a moment. Some humans, like you love, you are the strongest ones to take this to the extreme. We need this for a while, but eventually, there will be a middle ground and living like this or at least partly like this, will become natural."

Oh my, I just love her wisdom!!!!!! I love her!!!!! Victoria is the best. Even Roger is quiet, because he knows, this is true. It is true for us, I mean.

I have to say, that I have never been happier. I have never been so content. And I love this process of learning new ways. I love the fact that less and less, Roger gets reactions and even if he does, it doesn't take that long for him to remember, that he is part of our team, part of our flow. It is amazing to see these skills developing so fast. And Victoria is right. Without this time in my own solitude and cocoon, I wouldn't have had the privacy to practice all these new things.

So basically, if you look at our situation outside, all is set for the new. I have sold everything, so I really don't have that much stuff anyway. The few things that I was able to pack, is packed. The rest, I will fix within an hour and I am good to go. We have less than one week. Less than one week and no idea where. And I am loving it! I will know when the time is right and I will be taken to the place where I am needed the most and where I can learn more.

This is my new way of being. No solid ground what so ever. And if this is how I am supposed to live, I am okey with it. No stuff to make my transitions difficult or to make me stay in one place. I know I belong to the world, no matter which part of it. And I know Victoria is holding my hand tightly and guiding me to these unknown waters. Roger is there, Cynthia (my god fairy) is there and all my spirit team is there. So why would I need to worry? I am just creating a solid ground, not from outside in, but from inside out. I am creating my fairy tale every singe minute.

How I feel now, you might ask. I am feeling great! I am ready. Scared a bit, but ready. Excited. So what ever beautiful plans the Universe has for me, bring it on! I deserve all of it!

LEARNING NEW WAYS

These couple of days I have been quite happy. Content, I must say, is a better word than happy. Content. Fulfilled. Peaceful. Joyful. It is not like I haven't been happy or joyful before in my life, but this is something different. It feels different. It is an inner feeling that I have and it has nothing to do with anything outside of me. Outside doesn't matter. It doesn't affect my inner world that much anymore. And less and less all the time. I am already full.

"This is something that I haven't experienced before", I tell my crew. " I wrote about rebirth before here, because I thought, that my healing was done. But few intense days came after that. I mean really intense! But now.... I keep on waiting for that intensity to come, but it is not coming. The process has changed. Now this new energy just gets integrated deeper and deeper. Nothing outside of me haven't changed in anyway, but everything inside of me, has. I am content. And now as I am speaking to you guys, I don't go for happiness, I go for joy. I feel like the energy is totally different, you know. It is like happiness is not enough to describe this. Joy is better. Lighter."

My crew are clapping their hands! We can not believe that we are finally getting some kind of peace into our lives after the healing process. We all feel the difference to what was before and how is it now. This inner filling up that has nothing to do with anything else then us. So this is what unconditional love feels like!

"It is so weird. It is like I can not go for "setting goals" or planning things anymore. All is well here and now and I don't need to know more", I say.

Roger (my ego) is so happy for me. He has finally joined our team and now he is constantly asking me, if I am okay, if there is anything he can do or if I need to hold his hand in order to feel safe. I just love my new Roger! He is so good and kind and now he is playing along with our new way of being.

"Love, now you understand what it means when someone says "happiness doesn't come outside", don't you?", asks Victoria (my higher self). Oh yes, for sure! It is amazing! This feeling is amazing!

If I compare me now to that lady I was, the difference is huge! It might not show outside yet, but the new is here. I haven't bought any new clothes, I haven't got a new car or a new house. I haven't got any more money, I haven't changed the way I dress, I haven't got a plan for the future. I don't have a treasure map in order to manifest anything. I don't sit in meditation or do spells. Mostly I am alone, because this is how I prefer things at the moment. Days just go without any business or agenda. I am so powerful. Now I can feel it myself too and now I am not scared of it. It is like I have this big tiger inside of me. A tiger that is not angry, but gentle. Not violent, but firm. Has empathy for all, but knows her boundaries. Loves everybody, but doesn't take any bullshit. This inner power comes from unconditional love, not ego (sorry Roger) and it feels so totally different. This is so new to me!

I was able to fulfill myself. Now anything that comes on top, is just an extra filling. Like when you make tacos. You can add many fillings inside, but the base is always there.

My crew agrees. Cynthia starts to giggle, because she things that tacos without fillings are tasteless, so she would have used some other example to describe my inner world. "Okey love", I say. "Let's take avocado? It's juicy and nice without anything, but if you put some salt on top or you add it to the salad, it's better. Is this a good one?", I ask her with the smile on my face. "Oh yeah baby, I like this one. Juicy. Oh, I like that word. Love, you are juicy!!!!", she giggles.

The rest of us just, we just roll our eyes on her. She is having a lot of energy today! And this is good. At least one of us is, because the rest of us are quite calm and relaxed today. I need her energy so that I can take my yoga mat later and do my practice. So good for her! Keep it up, babe!

So now me and my crew, we are learning this new way of being. I can not control anything anymore. Victoria is in charge. This allows me to relax and just do me. I don't plan my days, I just see what comes along. I don't have a calendar anymore. I can not plan my future, because I don't know what the Universe has planned for me. Before I was frustrated, now I am excited not to know. I don't want to know, I like surprises! Social media don't seem so important anymore and I don't listen to anyone outside of me anymore. I have left all my gurus, all my books and videos. I am in charge of my own life, so I don't listen to anyone on how I should live my life.

I listen to my crew. I listen to my body. Victoria and the rest of the crew, they will always guide me forward. My body will always tell me what to eat. I don't have to think about it. Now this goes with the flow. I don't plan my exercises. I exercise when my body wants movement and now, I would never ever force it to do something, if she didn't want to. I allow my body to be. I don't have to deny anything from me, because I don't have any beliefs anymore. If I want to chocolate, I will have chocolate. We all looooove chocolate! The difference is that what ever I  do, I CHOOSE to do it. I am very aware of all of my choices.

I don't need people or things. All that I need, will be brought to me in the right time.  I am not attached to tittles, clothes, money, fame, likes in FB or anything anymore. I don't have to exercise to have a six pack, but because it makes me feel good. "If I am totally honest, I feel like Alice in wonderland", I say.

"This is so beautiful", says Victoria. It is amazing how my crew and my body guide me in every moment. I can relax and just enjoy. I used to think that I need to travel or go to a amusement park in order to get my adrenaline highs. Now this comes from "not knowing". I can not know what is around the corner. All I know is that I am content. No more ups and downs. No more outside influences. No more people telling me how or when or what. All the training's and courses. All the one on one sessions. And now, finally, I am content. I am full.

ENERGY SENSITIVE

I have been quite sensitive to energies always. I just haven't quite understood the depth of this and my own reactions when I sense something. Also, I used to think that this was a bad thing, but now I understand, that I have a huge gift! And so as I went through my cleansing process, I also started to understand this part of myself better. And the more I got rid of all the old beliefs and fears, my sensitivity just got more higher. I have also gotten a lot of new qualities that are very interesting to me and I truly enjoy them. I learn as I go along.

We are all sensitives. It is just that, again, we all have our own unique soul path and some can feel these energies better, some those. It doesn't really matter. Some are more aware about this quality, some are not. Either way, it is all as good as the other. 

I think we can all sense the atmosphere in the room when we enter there. This is quite normal. What ever is going on with our human mind, turns into an energy and this energy is the one we can sense. Me and Victoria (my higher self) have been talking about my sensitivity quite a lot. Specially now when it is increasing. 

I didn't always understand why my mood can swing so fast from a very joyful and happy feeling into an anger or frustration. I always blamed myself for being too moody. Now I know that I have always sensed the other persons energy. Not what they were saying or doing, but the unseen and unspoken part. And as an emphatic person, I reacted to this. And this changed my mood very quickly. 

I also always wanted to see people being happy. Because when people around me were happy, it was easier and the most comfortable for me. Then there are no mixed energies in the air. This is why I was a people pleaser. This is why I tried to give advises and directions, so that the person I was with, would feel better. And then I could relax and feel better.

I know what is not said. I sense what is going on under the surface. I know when someone is lying or there is something going on. I sense it, even if I can not put it in words. And before I always blamed myself, that there was something wrong with me. In a working place where I used to felt very okey, suddenly I felt very uncomfortable. I am so happy that I have got to know this part of myself so well. Now I know exactly what to do in every situation. Sometimes I say what I "see and hear", sometimes not. Now I have also learned not always say anything. Even if I sense something, it is not of my business. 

"This is very good", says Victoria. We both smile and hug each other. Roger (my ego) is nodding his head. "The more you dig in, the more you learn about yourself. This is so beautiful! This is why you don't need any outside factors to tell you what is your truth and what is not. It is so wonderful to become your own guru in everything", he says. I have to agree. It is very empowering!

So I sense my guides, I sense the pass away souls, I sense other people's energies and now this quality is so heighten that even if I see a text message or a picture, I can sense that persons emotions. Even sometimes what is going on with them! I now know how different energies feel in my body. This is so weird! But quite wonderful! 

"And this is why you need quite a lot of alone time too! This can sometimes be too much for you, because when ever you are around a lot of people for too long, your senses get tired. You get tired. Loud noises, too much people, small space, crowded shops and so on. This can be too much for you", says Cynthia (my god fairy). This is true, but thank god, now I know it and I know how to deal with it. And also, less and less, other people's energies effect to my moods. Now I know what is going on, so I know how to deal with this. 

Something new is also going on. That is that I can sense the energies pouring to the earth. This is SO new to me! "One night I was out and as I came in, I felt this huge heaviness. Like I would absolutely drop inside the ground. So heavy! And in that moment, I heard some of you (my guides) whispering that this is the new energy grounding to the earth. "Even when I went to bed, I felt like I could sink inside the sofa, I felt so heavy", I am laughing. Victoria is nodding. She knows what I am talking about and she is responsible for this area too. 

"This is a ability that we are still developing with you love", she says. "I am just so happy that we are so connected that you can hear my explanations." Me too, I say to her.

These new energies that are pouring to the earth where the ones that pushed all the darkness out of me. All the fears and beliefs. "This is now happening to everyone at this time", says Victoria. "Things that used to make you happy, don't anymore. People you used to like to hand around with, don't feel that nice anymore. Working place might suddenly start to feel uncomfortable. Things like this. This is all about this new energy doing it's magic", she says smiling. 

"Yes, this is true!", I say. "It happened to me just like that! But now something has shifted."

"Please tell us", says Cynthia. 

"Well, yesterday I felt another energy wave coming to earth. I feel like always when these energy waves come, first I feel light and happy and maybe next day or few days after, I feel tired. Now I don't feel anxiety, anger or frustration anymore." 

"This is true", says Victoria. "Your inner world is now more clean then ever, you are also excepting "what is" and not resisting anything. This is why, you feel the energy, but now, you don't get a reaction as before." This is true.

But me and Roger did have a conversation today about this. For the first time, we agreed and he actually listened me. And did what I wanted him to do. Like I said, yesterday I felt this light energy pouring to earth. Today, I feel like it is being grounded and so I felt tired already in the morning. Even though I slept very well in the night. So after running some errands, I came home and I was so tired that I needed to come to the sofa and have a nap. "That was the time when Roger started to analyze this, isn't it lovie", I ask him.

"Yes", he says with a smile on his face. "I just always want to know what is going on with you".

But for the first time, I asked him to just let things be as they are. No need to analyze. That this is just new energy grounding to earth, we know what's going on and that's all we have to know. And if he wants to help, he could just come close to me, take me into his arms and just allow me to rest there. That would be the most safe place for me. And for the first time ever, this is what he did! 

So I had my nap in Roger's arms with Victoria and Cynthia by my side too and we were just letting the energies flow and ground. And I am so grateful for this! Now we truly are a team, playing the same game. Not against each other, but on the same side! And I have never ever felt more safe in my life! Amazing! 

And this is my safety crew. This is my safety harbour where I can get to know my new energy sensitivities in peace and feeling safe. As hard as it has been for me to learn these new things, it surely has been hard to Roger too. But now we are in the same page. This is big! 

So big and new things are happening to our little crew, but we flow one moment at the time. 

GOING WITH THE FLOW

Today I wanted to gather my crew with me to talk about this saying: "Just go with the flow". There are so many quotes that are being shared in the social media without really even thinking what it actually means. And if you are not fully in your own power and you don't know your own truth, these kind of quotes can cause a lot of anxiety. Or thoughts of "not being brave or good enough".

Because I am now in front of "going with the flow", I wanted to really think about this and understand what this means to me. So that it is not just a phrase that I have heard or read somewhere, but that I truly know what is my truth about this.

So, I gave up my house in new year and very soon I am leaving. I have to say that Roger (my ego) and Victoria (my higher self) have had quite strong argues about where we are supposed to go. Roger just can't relax and trust. He HAS TO KNOW! He just has to have a plan. He needs me to feel safe. And Victoria keeps assuring him, that all will be fine and that our crew don't have to worry about anything. But he just won't listen. So he keeps pushing me to the computer to look for houses or trips, hotels and flights and so I do just to keep him quiet. But as I do this, I feel this old control and push, this "forcing things to happen", instead of just letting things be, like Victoria is trying to tell us.

So finally Cynthia (my god fairy) tells us that why not, we give Roger a class of sparkling wine, so that he could relax a bit and so we do. And now, finally we can have a nice chat without pushing and pulling. We are laughing to him, because he seems to get a little bit tipsy and he is so funny, when he is like this. He is just having this grin in his face and he seems to enjoy the taste of the sparkling wine. Little giggles are coming out every now and then and he wants us to put some music on. He likes to dance when he is tipsy. Oh my, we just absolutely love him! And for sure, we want to see this kind of Roger more often!

So I am in front of something new. And I for sure don't want to control anything, not like Roger. So as he is sipping his sparkling wine, we decide to make a plan just to keep him quiet and relaxed. And so we do. At least, now, we know where to go at the end of this month "if nothing else comes up". At least Roger is now satisfied and quiet. But I can see Victoria smiling. She is quiet, she is allowing Roger to have this plan, but I have this weird feeling, that she knows something that she is not telling me. We THINK that now we know what is going to happen at the end of this month, but the truth is, we don't. It might go as planned, but it might not. But at least, now, Roger and Victoria don't have to argue about it, but our whole crew can relax.

"So Victoria, please explain to me how you see this - going with the flow - thing", I say to her.

"Well, actually there is no one explanation. There is no one way to "go with the flow". It is different in every moment. Right now, for us, it is this. We make a plan, but we are not attached to it. So if something else happens, we allow it to be so. Also, sometimes, going with the flow means that you get this deep inner knowing what you need to do. You don't know how it is going to end up, but you do it anyway. This could be anything. Leaving a job or a partner. You just have this deep inner knowing, that this situation is not good for you anymore and that you have to do something. Sometimes you might even do it without knowing how you are going to get money or where this road of getting singe again might take you, but you are following you heart anyway. This is one way of going with the flow and remember, always, every singe time, you do something brave like this, the Universe will have your back. This means that "when one door closes, other one opens". This takes a lot of trust and courage, but things will always work out, one way or another. Flow", she smiles.

"Also, "going with the flow" means that you might have an insight about what is your next step. It might be a new place to go to without knowing where it leads you, but you just follow this inner guidance. Going with the flow is something that is so personal. You might make a travel plan for six months, but inside that six months, you allow things to happen naturally without planning that much. Or you make some plans and leave some open. Again, flow."

"Isn't it so, that "going with the flow" means, that you can make a plan, but you are not attached to the outcome", asks Cynthia. "Yes love, you are right. This is one way of "going with the flow", answers Victoria.

"If I am totally honest, you Saija, are the only one who can define what "going with the flow" means to you in each moment. Sometimes you know what to do and where to go, sometimes you know some and you go anyway without knowing the outcome. "Going with the flow" is like this "gut feeling" you have and when you are following that, you are in the flow. Sometimes with a plan, sometimes half plan and sometimes just knowing a miner thing and jumping into the unknown. Basically what I would say is "WHEN YOU FOLLOW YOUR HEART, YOU ARE GOING WITH THE FLOW. Always. Just remember, that your life is your responsibility. So you have to decide and then the Universe will work with you. But it will not do it FOR you. If you want to win a million in lottery, Universe can not take your coupon to the shop, you have to do it. And then, only then, if is in your soul path, you might have a chance to win that million. You understand?", says Victoria.

Sure, I get it very well. And I have to be honest. There has been times where I have put the responsibility to Universes shoulders and it did not work!

Roger has been quiet, but now he says, "why didn't we do this before? Make a plan, but then allow it to flow. Why did we have to struggle with this with you Victoria?"

"Well, we are here to learn this co-operation between you and me and we did learn a lot, didn't we? And the thing is, we can never make wrong decisions. Never! We are here to learn, so what ever decision we make, it is always the right one in that moment."

Victoria is quiet for a while, but eventually she just can't keep the truth from us anymore. So she says, "Guys, if I am totally honest, the truth about this whole concept of "going with the flow...."

"The truth is that the Universe ALLOWS you to think that you are in control, but if this source power sees that you are doing something that is not meant for you, it will give you a nudge to the right direction. It can happen with a help of a friend or a stranger. It can happen through inner knowing or through synchronic events. Let me give you an example."

"Let's say that you don't want to work in you working place anymore, but you are afraid to leave. So you keep on going and you keep on having this anxiety and this unhappiness and for sure, it doesn't get less, quite the opposite. If you don't have a courage to follow these ques that your body is trying to send you, eventually, "the Universe will step in". This means that maybe in the working place things are starting to get worse and worse. More and more things are happening that are pushing you out of your comfort zone. Until there comes this big event and you are already so fed up, that you just quit without thinking it too much anymore. The only thing you have in your mind is "anything is better then this!" Yes babes, going with the flow!", she laughs.

"If your souls path is to stay in the same job for all your life, then this is what you signed in, before you were born. Then this is the way to get your lessons that you are meant to get in this lifetime. It doesn't mean that you are not "in the flow". The Universe keeps us all ALWAYS in the flow, but this happens in unique ways. In a way that was agreed by your soul before coming to earth. So "going with the flow" has nothing to do with courage, because flow is ever present. Some people make more bold moves, some live more solid life. And yet, there is always a flow."

"As you can see, you are always always taken care of. You truly are always in the flow. The though of "this one is going with the flow and this one is not", is just another way for people to create a separation between one another. Control is a man made concept, but in the Universes, this doesn't exist. If you look at animals or nature, there is a perfect flow all the time without any resistance. Humans have just forgotten this, but everything in this Universe is flowing. So what I am trying to say is, that you are actually always "in the flow", you just have forgotten this", says Victoria with a smile in her face. "How easy life would be, if we wouldn't fight against this flow. There would be so much less suffering and so much more joy."

I just absolutely love this!!! How easy can life be! I don't EVER have to worry about "living right" or "going with the flow", because I AM ALWAYS IN THE FLOW and I CAN NOT MAKE WRONG DECISIONS! Wow! Me and Cynthia are clapping our hands, we are so happy!

And now, we are asking Roger to get us classes and share his sparkling wine with us. This is big for me. And to Roger. "Can you imagine Roger how much easier life would be for you if you just would surrender?", I laugh. "I sooooo agree!", he says and takes a sip from his class. "Actually, I want to retire!", he declares laughing.

"Oh no love, I will not let you go as long as I am in this human body. You are stuck with me", I tell him. He comes to me, hugs me tightly and says that he wouldn't like to be anywhere else. And then we all toast to our lovely, beautiful crew! We all agree, we did learn a lot from Victoria today. She is absolutely amazing! Now, we are all happy and relaxed, we have at least one plan and at the same time, we are letting it flow. And we are now at peace with this. So we let it flow, we let it flow.....

DOING THINGS ACCORDING TO MY HEART GUIDANCE

It is the holiday season. Christmas is here! Everywhere around me people are preparing gifts, food and timetables for the days to come. I am so out of this vibe! I just don't want to do things the old way anymore. I am done with traditions. So I am sitting in my sofa again with my crew and we end up having a conversation about this.

"Guys, I feel like..... How can I put this..... I feel like "it is too late". It is too late to go back to the old ways. It is too late to connect with the people I have let go long time ago and now the Christmas eve is coming and I don't have no where to go, no one to be with and basically, nothing to do. And if I am totally honest, for me, this is just another day between many other days", I say.

"Love, but this is good", says Victoria (my higher self). "Why should you stress about this? Just see what feels right and do that. It is okey like that. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"Yes, I know and honestly, I can't. Your guidance Victoria, is so powerful these days, that Roger (my ego) can not get his voice heard over you", I say. We all end up laughing. This is so true, we all agree.

"It's just that I have been spending so much time alone lately and more and more, I am comfortable with this. It is so clear, that I rather be alone, then with people, who invite me to visit, just because it is an obligation. Or out of bitty. Or because it has always been this way. Christmas eve, well you are "supposed" to spend it with your family and for me, there is no family. I have already let them go long time ago and nothing is left to say. Or to do. I am little bit confused here, if I am totally honest. I am happy by myself, but somehow sad, that I am left so alone", I say.

Cynthia (my god fairy) jumps in: "Love, this is your life. Your creation. You are not the same person that you once were. Now it is time to really and I mean REALLY, let go of the past and also the darkness and the thoughts you were having while the cleansing process was on. Sometimes it is also very easy to get stuck into those feelings you have been feeling for so long. And part of your cleansing was to face all the darkness you had inside of yourself. But love, now it is gone! There is nothing to clear anymore. And now it is time for you to acknowledge this. Even though Roger is trying to keep in this state of mind, it is safe to let go of this and allow this new lightness to come out. This is your fairy tale now. A new one. So jump into it fully! This is so exciting! What would be the first step for you to do in order for you to get to this new, lighter mind set?"

"Victoria, help!" I shout. "What does this mean", I ask her. "Break the old ways of spending Christmas. What would you like to do? After all, the old is now gone. As you said, it is too late for that anymore. So do what brings you joy. Joy is your guide from now on, nothing else. This is a good way to start",  Victoria says. And I just love this!

So oh my, here starts my Christmas fairy tale!

Oh yes! I am the only one who can know what is good for me, so let's start from this. And so I talk to my friend and we decide to go to Helsinki where there is this very cool setting. Outside swimming pool and sauna. While you are swimming you can watch the big boats, city lights and the home of the president. I know I will meet new people and get some fresh energy.

And so we do this. I jump into the train and we walk across Helsinki to the Sea Pool. We buy the tickets with a class of sparkling wine and in we go. We put the bikinis on and shower time it is. And after that to Sauna. I have to tell you this. There is something so magical in Sauna. The heat kind of rips of any heaviness that you might have in your body. It is calming, soothing and refreshing. So we sit in Sauna with other ladies from all over the world. Some tourists have come to Helsinki to spend the Christmas here and this, for sure, is a new experience for them. As it is for me. So I am a tourist too and this is so cool, since I am in my own home country!

After the Sauna, we have a small walk outside and we end up to a heated swimming pool. And oh my, the feeling I get from this! It is amazing!!!!!! "Guys, did you see the "blue moment" when the day started to unfold into the evening?!", I ask my crew. "Yes, it was so beautiful!! We are so happy we got to experience this!!", they say. "Me too, I have to say! I could have never ever imagine that I could feel so light and pure after this!"

"So love, you see now? You can create you life just the way you want it", says Victoria. "Oh yes", I replay with a smile on my face. I understand now that I have to let everything and anything - any tradition or restriction - behind me and I need to understand now fully, that I am free. Totally free to create my life just the way I want it. No need to think how "I should" do things or what is the right way by the society. Oh no! All I have to do, is listen to my heart and Victoria.

My Christmas end up being the best one in years! I did what I wanted, I had no stress about buying gifts and instead of eating too much, I actually did exercise every day. I relaxed, watched movies in the candle light and took long walks in the woods. After the holidays, I felt fresh and light and totally relaxed! Wonderful!!!!!

And then came the new years eve. "You have to let the house go". I am quiet for a while. Did I hear this correctly?! And then I hear it again. "It is time to let the house go." I am just getting dressed and just about to go out to see the fireworks to the park. I think I knew somewhere deep inside of me, that this day would come soon, but now? I get the message now?

I hear Victoria's whisper and I let it sink in. And I know she is right. It is time to leave the old and jump into the unknown. Victoria keeps whispering me: "You can give your notice and let the house go. We will guide you forward. Papa is here, I am here, we are all here. Nothing to be afraid of. Things will go very well." And deep inside of me I know this is true, because staying here, is not an option. And if I am totally honest, in this moment, when I hear Victoria's voice, I feel joy! I feel expansion! I feel lightness and happiness! Because now I understand, that I have actually waited for this. I have waited my heart's guidance to get us out of the surroundings that we have outgrown. So if I am totally honest, instead of fear, I feel excitement! I feel relief! And this only tells me how ready I am for the new.

These days, this guidance, my heart and Victoria's, are the only ones I listen. I know that they will always guide me forward and into experiences much more greater than my mind or Roger could ever imagine. So 1.1.2020 at 11.11 a clock, I gave my notice for the house and after 8 weeks, I am leaving. I know that I don't want to push myself too hard, so I allow this 8 weeks time for myself to adjust to this new idea of really "jumping to the flow of life".

Now, all I can do, is trust the process of change. Sell my stuff and that is not much, because I have sold basically all my stuff already during the years. I will pack my suitcase and hit the road where ever it will take me. Roger is trying all that he can to convince me, that this is a bad idea, but now, I kiss him on the cheek and I thank him for trying to keep me safe. But my happiness is more important then any fear I might have. My soul needs so much more space. And so me and Victoria are the only ones who can lead us to our freedom.

This is how I truly start to create my own fairy tale. One step at the time. One moment at the time. No rush, no pushing. Without knowing anything, but just trusting, that my heart and Victoria are now strong enough to lead this team of ours to new adventures. I am amazingly calm and relaxed. No need to control, but just to enjoy. There are no goals anymore, but there is life to be experienced. Destination is not the point, but living every moment is. No need to go to the future or plan too much. All I have to do is to keep my heart fully open to the gifts of the Universe. And enjoy the ride!

REBIRTH - AGAIN

This morning I am sitting in my bed and I am trying to understand this new inner world that I have now. I am so excited and happy like, all the time. Nothing has happened outside. I mean no big dreams of mine have come to reality. I have not got a new car or new house. I haven't got new people coming into my life and I haven't been doing anything new in a different way. It is just this deep inner feeling that I have. So what is this? I am happy. I am feeling light and happy 24/7. And I can not even dance or have a class of sparkling wine to celebrate! All I can do is sit with this. Sit and be happier then ever!

Actually, of cause, my crew is here. And I mean all of them. Victoria (my higher self), Roger (my ego), Cynthia (my god fairy), Papa (my spirit guide) and rest of my spirit team. We are all very quiet and just like astonished. We look at each other and before we know it, we burst into laughter. We hold our stomachs and laugh! We did it! We actually did it!

"I feel like I have been in labour for ten years! The contractions kept on coming and coming. Yes, I had some Epidural at times, but then..... Uh, the contraction was there again!" I am trying to explain this to my crew, but I just can not stop laughing.

Cynthia is giggling. "This is a good description", she says. "All the darkness you had to let go, it was not easy. Can you now see how much this darkness (beliefs and fears) you people have inside of you? Oh boy, this surely has been a process for all of us. Phiuh", she sighs.

All of us, we do agree. It was Thursday 12.12.2019 when I feel like I was taken through a mill. Oh my! I truly thought that I will not survive. The amount of anxiety and pain, it was overwhelming! I was crying on the floor and just shouting "please let me die! I can not take this anymore!" I kept on breathing (hahhaaaa, just like in labour) in and out. All I could do, was be. Feel. Let these emotions run through me. This was the day, that "the old Saija" died. She was gone. Roger was resisting the change so much, that the Universe had to put him down to his knees. "There was no other choice", says Victoria. "In the new, there can not be any controlling. There can not be any expectations or trying and Roger, oh boy, are you a stubborn one! This was the only way to tame you."

Roger agrees. There is no way he can deny this. He was stubborn. He wanted to keep me safe. His idea of keeping me safe, was to keep me where I am without changing anything and without letting me grow as a person. "But now, all my fighting abilities are gone. I am just so tired of fighting against these bigger forces, because I understand now, that my way, was old. And heavy."

We all hug him, because we love him so much! It is not like he is out of a job now, it is just going to be different. He will be keeping me safe if I cross the street or if I will be attacked by a lion (we are all laughing), but he is not able to keep me where I am anymore. Now the power stick is totally in Victoria's hand. She is the leader now.

"Oh Roger! I wish that we could have gone through this in a easier manner", she says. Well, me as I have been feeling this "fight" in my whole body, am nodding. "But I love Saija so much, I just didn't want her to get hurt! I did what I thought was best for her." The whole crew, me included, are nodding again. He just did his job, that's all. But now, the job description is changing.

So lets dive into this feeling that I have now. If you would have asked me one week ago, should you go to this inner journey towards self love (unconditional love), I would have said, HELL NO! Don't do it! Stay where you are and keep on doing what you are doing, even if you are not fully happy! Anything is better then this! But now, when I understand why I had to go through this and I FEEL the result, I would say, HELL YES! DO IT! Don't let fears stop you from being who you really are and coming into your full power! This is so amazing!

Let me try to descripe how I feel. It is like, I am clean inside. No doubts, full trust. Right now, I don't feel fear even if you tell me that I have to go and run naked across America. If it would be my soul's mission, I would just go and do it. No hesitation. I don't think about money, creating, future, where to live or when my partner is coming. I just trust. All will be brought to me in Divine Timing. Papa in nodding. "Miha, you don't have to worry about anything, all you have to do is be and trust." I am so grateful to Papa and my crew for this. I know they will take care of me. Roger's willpower to fight against this Universal power, is gone. So is mine.

I notice that every morning I wake up and the first thing I do, is I feel myself. Do I feel anxiety and frustration? I said I don't have any fears, well, this is one. I got so used to to the fact that I had one or two days break (epidural :o) between and then we went again. Back to frustration and anxiety, diving into the darkness (contraction phase). Up and down. Up and down. Like a rollercoaster! But now.... I am clean. I can not get back to anxiety anymore. I just can't, even if I try. This is so weird! I am just happy. At peace. And this joy. It is like it's bubbling inside and the wave is just getting bigger and bigger.

The whole crew is clapping their hands. They are so happy for me that I can finally experience these feelings and this existence that they knew was there all along, but that I couldn't see. I had no idea!

"What if you wake up in the morning and your hear is still up and you are in your nightgown. Dishes are in the sink and the apartment is a mess. Then your doorbell rings. And you open the door and Johnny Depp is there. What would you do?", asks Cynthia with a smile on her face.

Wow, quite an image you gave me there Cynthia. But I would just invite him in and ask if he wants to have morning coffee with me. And then we would probably have a nice chat. "Oh, I love this!!", says Cynthia and claps her hands. "You finally see that no one is more higher or better then you. Or lower for that matter. I love it!"

I found my way back to the baby Saija who was so heart broken. She was so broken, but now she is healed. She is whole again. And all this time I was thinking that someone outside of me, will make me whole. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, my mom, my dad or someone. But all along, it was me. And my crew of cause! This is the most holy place I have ever been. This inner peace and the love that I have for myself. This connection to everything. Seeing the MUCH bigger picture, that I could have never ever see "in my old life". Behind those fears and beliefs, is freedom. True freedom as an authentic individual. Me and my crew, well, we will celebrate this victory in our own bubble for a while. Now it is time to rest and allow the body to heal as well. Relax and just live in a moment. When ever it is my time to "get to work", Victoria will tell me. But now. We embrace and welcome this rebirth that finally is here. My healing work is done and this is all I have to know at this moment.

TIME TO COME OUT AND PLAY

For the longest time I have needed to be by myself. Get quiet. Listen. Learn more about me. Who I truly am. This is a person I am just getting to know and this process is not over yet. Today me and Victoria (my higher self) had a chat. The day has been very very intense and I wanted to ask her, why this is so. Haven't I done enough inner cleansing already? What is still left for me to do? Why am I feeling this fatigue and lack of interest for everything? Where is my joy?! After all this inner work, shouldn't I finally see some results in my inner state of being?

Victoria is a bit quiet first. She reminds me that she loves me and how she is admiring all the work I have done. It hasn't been easy. "It has been hard, because the energies of the collective are now so intense. A lot of old is been cleansed away and this happens through the people who are aware. It is the only way to do this. Other people will see the results too, but they don't have to go so deep, thanks to you light beings, who are doing their work for them. We all have challenges in our lives, but others don't probably don't have to go through years of cleansing, because you are already doing it."

"Oh wau", I replay. "But this is big then. No wonder I have been tired and I have been wanting to be by myself". "Well, there is more in this of cause. It is not that simple", she says. "You also have been hiding, haven't you love", she asks. I am not sure what she means, so I am curious to know more.

"You have learned so much in this journey, haven't you love? It is in your essence to share your story, this is one of the reasons you came to this earth. Not to do what others are doing, but to do you. Lately you have been quiet. No writing, no sharing. And love, don't get me wrong. This has absolutely been needed! You have needed all this time for yourself to discover the new you. This is something that you have to do by yourself. In your own pace and in your own way. Now, I feel, that you are ready to come out and play".

What? What does this mean?

"Let me explain this to you love", she says. "As long as you are hiding and not sharing with the world who you are and the things that need to be shared, you feel anxiety. It is like this huge tornado that just keeps going round and round without an ending. In the same place, stuck in the same thoughts and emotions. Can I give you an example?

Lets say that you are boiling water. What happens when the water starts to boil, but you are not lifting the cover? Well, we all know that the pressure in that cattle is growing and growing until the water will find it's way out of the cattle and out of that pressure. Either someone comes and puts out the stove and takes of the cover or the water will, for sure, boil all over the stove.

This is little bit what has been going on with you. Creativity is an energy that needs to flow. If it is not flowing, it will cause a huge amount of pressure to the one who is not listening to the call of creative energy. It needs to get out somehow and somewhere. Lately you have had the need to be by yourself and you have been hiding too, isn't it true? Well, we love need to be seen and our voice have to be heard. Isn't it true that when you write or sing, you feel alive and joy? Well, it is just time to come out and play!"

"But I am scared", I say. People have not understood this process and it's been hard. I don't feel like I am appreciated and excepted. I have become visible to me, but I don't care if no one sees me ever again", I continue.

"Love, I understand this very well. And you have to come out only when you are ready. I just feel that you are. You need to face this fear of coming out as "the new you". You have so much knowledge now about human nature. First hand information. And it is not even about that. If you share, you share because it makes you feel good and because it is important to you. You also keep the energy of creation moving and this way it will not accumulate inside of you. You got this! I know you do!"

I am listening to her words and I realize that it is true. Deep deep inside of me there has still been this slight tail of fear on how others see me. But Victoria is right. It doesn't matter anymore. After all, I am the one who has to keep me happy, no one else. And I love to play! I love to create!

"Your cleansing is done. Trust me", says Victoria. Now what you are feeling are the collective energies and feeling them gets easier, when you start to create again. It will be easier when you let yourself to be fully seen as who you are. Hiding by yourself is not the thing you should do anymore. Only by coming out and play, you will make this easier for you. You have absolutely nothing to fear. We (meaning my guides, Cythia and Roger of cause) are here for you all the time. At your service 24/7".

She adds "don't think about this too much, just as long as you start to do something. Anything. And allow it to change as the energies are changing so fast. Today you might feel like this, and then next day like that. This is okey. Again, just do you".

She is right. I know. No need to change anyone. No need to lecture or share quotes. No need to safe anyone or tell anyone how to live their lives. This is again, as all in my life, about me. Just sharing my story and creativity in any way I see fit to me. And on the topics that are important to me. That's all. No more hiding. It is surely time to come out and play again.

ME AND MY SPIRIT GUIDES

So, as a child I had a wild imagination! My creativity was just flying! This is why, today, I want to introduce to you few of my spirit guides. Oh, I have plenty spirit guides around me. Plenty, but there are so many that it is impossible for me to know them all. But let me start with few I have got to know lately.

One of them is Elisabeth. She is my Scottish grandmother. She is the one who is responsible of my "witch" powers. And I mean the good qualities, like healing and psychic abilities. She is always reminding me how powerful I am and that I should never ever doubt myself. She knows all the ancient healing methods and she is so willing to help me to discover them all. She is loving, kind and patient.

Then I have Muhammed. He is my Gambian spirit guide. He is gentle, kind and also very loving. He is tall, hansom and he has the most beautiful smile ever! He knows that I have been through a lot and he is always reminding me how we have survived through tough times together. He knows that I am loving, but strong. He knows that I am fare, but firm. He keep cheering to me when going get tough.

Only few months ago I discovered my connection to Egypt. A connection that I never knew I had. From this period I have a spirit guide called Karim. Karim is a charming and loving and he has these few same qualities as Muhammed. They both have this huge inner peace and patience. Karim is quite calm and quiet. He has this inner wisdom, but he only speaks when I am truly listening. Other wise, he keeps quiet. He knows why I am drawn to rocks and crystals. From him I have learned a lot about healing with different kind of crystals.

My latest spirit guide is Papa. He actually doesn't have a form like a human. He is energy, so he is invisible. Papa is so loving and our language is so called energy language. I was trying to look for his picture, so that I could show him to you, but after hours of looking, I gave up. I have an image in my mind of him and maybe you can create your own. For me he is this older man figure with white beard. Almost like Santa Clause. But. His beard is not quite that white. His eyes are so wise! He always has this peaceful smile in his face and every night he makes sure, that my day has been okey. He told me that since he doesn't use human language, he don't have a name. This is why I call him Papa. He is like a grandfather figure to me. He also said that he wanted to give a calling name for me and for him the Spanish word "Miha" (I am sorry, I am not sure about the spelling :o) was the most beautiful one. He said that he likes the sound of the word and it suits me very well.

So as I said I am surrounded by many loving, protecting and guiding spirit guides. Today, I wanted to have a chat with Papa. He is so wise! Of cause Victoria (my higher self) and Cynthia (my god fairy) wanted to be present too. Papa was telling me that the planet where he comes from looks a bit like Venus. It has a little bit of land and a lots and lots of water. The air is pure and the vibration of the planet is very high. He was explaining that he could not contact me before, because my vibration was not high enough. But now, as I have cleansed a lot of the old "density", he was finally able to reach me. "This is what I have been waiting for a long time!", he says.

"So what is our connection Papa", I ask. "Well, this is where you come from", he says. "This is your home". Wow, I think. How cool is this! "What does it mean?", I ask. "Well Miha, let me explain", says Papa.

"In our planet there is no human form or language. All is energy. So the way we communicate is different. We feel instead of using words." Oh my, I am thinking. How interesting is this! "Now Miha, I am asking you to forget all these words in human language that are causing separation between humans." "What do you mean?", I ask. He explains that words like spirituality, awakening, high frequency, black, white, vegan, yogi and millions of other words, they all are causing separation and boxes between people.

"It is time to let them go. You humans have to finally understand that you are all one. This means that you might feel what someone else is feeling. You humans call this feeling empathy. For us, this is very natural and this is why in our planet we don't hurt each other. Because if you hurt another spirit, you end up hurting yourself. It is the same with humans. The difference is that on earth, when you hurt each other, not only are you hurting the other being mentally, but sometimes you also hurt someone physically. This is a double pain for the whole collective. This creates a vibration that is lowering the vibration of the earth. And not only the earth, but the Universes too."

I have to sit with this for a while. Victoria and Cynthia are also quiet. They know that this is true. That it is truly time for us humans to wake up and start to create a more loving world.

Papa continues: "Every soul comes to this planet with a mission. This soul path have been planned very well before. In the Universes we wanted to create different kinds of forms of a human, so that we could see how humans react on things and to different kinds of people. We were surprised how fast the humans started to forget the loving way of being and living together and how fast they started to create the separation between each other. Now we are entering, one soul at the time, back to the time, where there can not be any separation between on souls. Now you humans are starting, finally, bit by bit remember, that underneath your skin, no matter what color, there is another soul. From the same source. That's all."

"It is like.... hmmmm", he is thinking.... "It is like we would put a lot of you humans into one room blindfolded. All different kinds, with different backgrounds and religions. From different countries and from different cultures. And before taking the blindfolds off, we would turn off the lights. What would you see then?"

Victoria is clapping her hands! She loves this idea! In the darkness it would be absolutely impossible to know what color someone is or what religion he represents. Yes, in that darkness, we would just be souls. Many souls in the same space just mingling with each other. We three (me, Victoria and Cynthia) love this!

"This is why you humans are now learning what unconditional love is. First you are learning how to love yourself unconditionally and then from there, you learn to love others the same way. This kind of love has a very high vibration and it raises the vibration of the earth too. Even the Universes. So as you are learning this, please, you don't have to take it so seriously. Even if some emotions you are feeling during this process are hard, always try to remember, that after all, you are here, in this earth plane, to enjoy. Not to suffer."

He continues: "If I may suggest, could you think of this earth as your playground full of different kinds of tool for self love? Instead of judging anything or anyone, could you get curious? Instead of judging any situation or event, could you get curious? And take all these people in your life, all these events in you life and all these things that you have (like cigarette, wine, food, religions and so on) as tools towards self love? Use them. Do it consciously. Choose wisely and learn. This is why you are here at this time. Only human form has this change to experience all this. So it is a unique experience!"

Oh, he has so much wisdom to share, but now, we will end up the story here. We don't want to share all his wisdom right away. We will allow this information to sink in first. I thank all my guides for showing up and Victoria and Cynthia of cause. This surely was an interesting conversation. I am excited to change my perspective and I am, for sure, willing to try and see everything here on earth, as a playground full of tools, as I am traveling towards loving myself even more! I love this point of view. It gives this self love process lightness and joy. And I know, that after hearing all this, I am in. 100 %!

ENERGY WORK

For the longest time, I have not been able to write anything. I have had this phase of being in my own cocoon and very very selective with who I want to mingle with. Mostly, I have been alone. I have needed this time for myself in order to get to know me more better. I can say I have almost mastered this "being alone" -thing. A thing that so many people are afraid of. But today, I wanted to have a chat with my crew: Victoria (my higher self), Roger (my ego) and Cynthia (my god fairy).

I have known for the longest time that the new way of creating my reality is from inside out. This is something we are, for sure, not used to. Before everything was created from outside in. Let me explain a bit.

So before the creation (some talk about manifestation) was done from outside in. Let me give you an example what this means. Lets say that I bought a car. This gave me the feelings of happiness and joy. It gave me the feeling of easiness and freedom, because now I had an easy access everywhere I wanted to go. Now we are all (even if you are not aware of it) moving into a new way of creating. This is from inside out. Meaning, I need to find all these feelings that I used to find from outside things, inside of me first. Lets say I want a partner. What are the feelings that this would make me feel? I would feel happiness, joy, maybe safety and so on. Now, with these new energies, I have to find all these feelings from inside of me before the creation can come into reality.

Before we were chasing the happiness from outside of us and the truth is, that this happiness didn't last that long, because as we got used to this outside factor, the feeling was gone. So, we had to chase another "dream". This created this hamster wheel where the joy was lost and no amount of results after this chase, could not keep us happy for long. It just wasn't that long lasting, because THE FEELING WAS NOT GROUNDED inside of us. Now, when we create the feeling first and "that thing" we dream about comes reality, our feeling will last. So no chasing happiness from outside, because we are already happy with or without "that thing" we want to create. I hope you get me? What ever feelings we are able to create inside, no matter what is going outside of us, we are more steady with our inner world, because no outside thing can effect our inner world. This is because everything that we need and want is always with us. Inside of us. So all the external things that "manifest" outside of us, are just a great plus!

As adult I have been quite disconnected from the feelings I had as a child. From that innocence, from that joy, from that freedom of not taking things so seriously. Remembering that life is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. I was not over thinking then. I did not analyse things at all. I was not thinking what others think. I had so much imagination and creativity.

So here I am. As a child. With my crew. I am sorry about my abilities to process the pictures, but this will have to do for now. I don't have the apps to do this more better and for me, this is a good practice to get away from "being perfect". I had fun doing this and that is enough for me.

I look at this picture every day. I look at this beautiful little girl and her beautiful smile. And sometimes looking at this makes me so sad. When was it that I lost the connection to her? When was it that I lost this pure innocence and joy? All these qualities are inside of me, that is for sure! I just absolutely love her smile!!

Victoria (my higher self) sighs. She remembers these days better then me. "Love", she says. "This is why you are asked to be at the moment. Can you imagine the amount of darkness that you have adapted through out the years you have been in this earth? There are so many beliefs and feelings that need to go. If everything would go at once, you couldn't take it. So we have to do this one step at the time. But since we have been going this for a long time now, we are getting closer and closer to freedom. To the true authenticity. To the core of who you really are. This is so exiting!", she says.

I get it. I understand what she is saying. In a deeper level I understand that I am finding my true self and that I am creating now a more steady, more fulfilling and more aligned life for myself. A life that I have never had before. As I said in the beginning, life is now created from inside out. So I am asked to be patience. Again. Blaaaaah! I hate that! Cythia is giggling. She knows that this is not easy for me, because I am for sure a action oriented person. 

Actually, all three of them start to laugh. They don't want to laugh to my frustration or anger of "nothing moving forward", but...... It is funny. I have to agree. When sitting here in my house day after day, waiting for something to happen and not being okey with what is. It is like I am fighting against this invisible enemy. And that enemy is my own patterns of doing things. So I am actually fighting against myself! And this, oh yes, it is funny!

So my crew is advising me to take it easy. To allow myself to feel what ever I am feeling, "good or bad" feelings. This is something so new what I am doing that there are no instructions to this. I am learning as I go. "Maybe", Victoria says, "you could try to take some lightness into this process. Some sense of humor. Get curious. And be proud of yourself, because not only are you cleansing all that is not needed for you in the future, you are also cleansing a lot of collective energies. This is how this inner process is serving the whole world and the Universes. Because everything is, after all, energy."

"What do you mean?", I ask her. And she explains. "Well. Let me give you an practical example. Everyday you produce garbage of some sort. Like empty bottles or plastic waste. Lets call these waists as "negative" emotions, words, thoughts and actions. If you are talking to someone nicely, the energy is light and clean. No garbage is produced. But when talking to someone with hash words or using violence, this produces negative pollution to the collective energies. When you are cleansing yourself from these old patterns, negative thoughts and actions, you are actually cleansing the whole collective energy from this."

"But isn't it so, that we will always have these negative feelings?", I ask. "Yes", she replays. "But the first thing is to allow them to flow through you and this way, they are not stuck in the collective energy. But instead these so called negative energies, well, they just flow through you and disappear back to the Universes and they will be transmuted back to light. And the second thing is the action. If and when feeling anger and you take action towards another person from these energies, it creates energetic pollution. If these "negative" emotions, negative as you humans call them, are used wisely, it actually is a bit like a fuel, the energies keep their balance and the energy stays light.

So lets say you get a "negative" reaction from someone. Instead of attacking that person with hash words or your fists, you take a step back, you sit down and you allow this feeling to sink in in order for you to understand why you get reaction. And only after this, you act if you still think that a action is necessary.  Maybe then you don't need to use hash words or your fists, but you can actually say something from a place of peace, but firmness. This process is keeping the energies in balance and there is no "negative" pollution produced, because this way every action or word that is done or said, is conscious. And sometimes these "negative" emotions are exactly the fuel you need to make the changes you are supposed to make. Eventually, when more and more people are doing this, cleansing their energies, there will be no need to sit with your emotions, but all is flowing easily and without effort. No more emotional ups and downs. Do you understand?"

Yes, I actually do. There have been so many people who have treated me badly and somehow there is this inner knowing in me how to act on that. Sometimes I just pull away, nicely and quietly and sometimes I have to say something. Not nasty, but just address the matter firmly: "No, this is not okey." So yes, I get it. And this is interesting. And it is new.

And now I also get it why the new way of creating something solid, is from inside out. We are transmuting the old energy into a new, more fresh one. Into more lighter form. This is also causing the collective energy to change so, that the old ways of controlling, abuse and violence, are transmuting into new, lighter and loving ways. Into more balanced and equal ways.

So I keep on creating my own fairy tail from inside out. Protecting my fragile light energy from outside forces as much as I can. And things ARE moving forward! Maybe not in a physical way, but energetically, in a big way! I will find this child like joy that I can see in this picture. I will be able to let go of "being so serious" and allowing myself to be more goofy. Second by second, minute by minute the energy inside of me is transmuting. So the process is on 24/7 even if I don't "see or understand it". "So let it flow lovie, let it flow", says Victoria. And so I will.

THE WRAP-UP

Today I want to honor my inner journey by remembering where I started, who I was before and where I am now. Today. This journey of finding my true self is not over for sure, but before the new year, I kind of wanted to sit down and write down all the things I have learned along the way.

I will not tell my whole story again. My history and another blog from the last four years, you can find here: PERFECT ENOUGH. More I just want to kind of make my own list of how I see fear versus love. How I used to live from the space of fear and now, what has changed when I do have a bigger perspective on things and how love sees things.

LOVE: Most important thing I have learned is to unconditionally love myself. Just the way I am. I respect myself and I am learning more and more about boundaries. I am authentic. I don't deny anything from myself. As I am conscious about what I am doing, there is no reason to deny anything. There is no need to listen anybody else. Only I can know what is good for me and what is not. Everything in this life is for me, a tool of love. If I feel like smoking a cigarette, I do so with full awareness of my choice in that moment. If I do not exercise, I am very aware of it. I am excepting all my gifts with huge gratitude and humbleness. I take full responsibility of anything I do or say. There is no judgement in me what so ever. I love the fact that there are different kind of people and different truths. I love the fact that we all have our own soul missions here on earth, it is so interesting. I understand the bigger picture and I trust my guides and the Universe 100 %. I go with the flow and I fully surrender to the fact that I am taken care of.

FEAR: I did not like myself. I was beautiful with a perfect body, but I only saw fats. I was busy and doing doing all the time. Pushing myself into more better results. I was not present. I got irritated so easily. I blamed others. I was mean with my words and actions. I was a perfectionist. I was kind of a "my way or highway" kind of girl. I was cheap with money and giving something to others was not easy. I had money, but I felt like I never had enough. I was possessive and jealous. I was a control freak. I knew how to drink, sometimes for days. I was talking bad behind peoples backs. I was judging. I wanted people to do thinks my way. I needed to push my point of view through by arguing. It was very important to me to "always" be right.

Don't get me wrong here. For sure I had some wonderful and funny times in my "old life". So it was not all about suffering and heartache. But even then, my joy was fear based. Oh, this is such a big topic that it is impossible to cover everything. But let me make it simple from my point of view, just in case you sometimes wonder are your thoughts coming from fear or love.

LOVE:
Just is
Accepts
Trusts
Goes with the flow
Is okey with not knowing
Respects
Has clear boundaries
Understands that everybody has their own soul journey and that each and everyone of them is as valuable as another
Inner power
Inner knowing
Own truth
Self love
Has sympathy
Has empathy
Needs no recognition
Is humble
Sees difference as a richness
Allows
Understands the bigger picture, the meaning of life
Knows ones souls mission
Is detached
From being to doing
Sees beauty
Bigger then any religion
Doesn't need boxes or labels
Feels
Is gentle
Has mercy

FEAR:
Is jealous
Is controlling
Is possessive
Is loud
Is cold
Is angry
Blame's others
Is a victim
Needs gurus and teachers
Does not know who true self is
Needs people to like one self
No respect
Needs outside validations like money, tittles, big cars and likes in Facebook
Needs possessions
Is scared of many kinds of things like diseases, death, bacteria and so on
No trust in life, but control
Not relaxed
Wears masks
Settles
People pleasing
No boundaries
Talks behind one's back
Has a lot to say without no action
Doesn't want to face the dark corners of one self
Wants to keep one stuck and small
Wants others opinions about everything
Not able to make decisions
Busy (because it makes one feel important)
Disrespect
Selfish
Needs to be always right
Needs to force one's point of view to others
Makes jokes from others
Is attached to people and places
Complains
Interferes into others life's
Gives advices without asking
Low self esteem
No self love
Is tough
Pushes
From doing to being
Labels things to good and bad
Plays games
Deceives
Uses others
Anger
War
Racism
Puts things into boxes and gives labels
Judges
Negativity
Misuses power

I feel like within these last ten years I have kind of awaken from a dream I was living and that I thought was the ultimate truth. I see now that everything and everybody here has a purpose. I can see the bigger picture. I am having like this view of a giraffe. Sometimes I look at my life and I can so clearly see the roles and the games I have been playing. It is not easy to change the things that I have gotten used to for so long. To start to think differently. To start to see things differently. To start to talk and act differently. Specially when nothing outside of you is not supporting you in any way.

We are so scared of being authentic and being rejected that we keep on playing the old games just that we can be part of the community or our families. I can't do this anymore.

I have decided long time ago that I will let my ego and my mind to step aside and I allow my heart and my higher self to guide me. They can see and understand things that I can not. Nor can my ego or mind. I do still question my higher self's choices sometimes, but at the end, I surrender. I know that my higher self will always guide me to the right places and towards right people. I still have fears. I don't think that they will ever disappear. There will always be situations where I have to find my strength in order to move forward. But I do despite the fear.

I allow myself to have my dark days as well as my crying days. I allow everything these days. I turn inside over and over again. If some days I look at other people in my life and I reflect something from them, I allow that too. But then I turn inside again. I am my business, no one else. I am willing to face my fears and I am totally detached from people. I don't need anyone to make me happy, only I can do it. I take care of my inner child all the time. I am not always happy with the emotions that arise, but I accept them. I understand now that I don't need to be happy all the time. We are thought that this is how it should be. That we should be happy all the time. But this is not true. Those "bad days" are just as valuable as "the good days". After all, they are just days with different kind of feelings, that's all.

I know now that I came here for a reason. I came here for something that has not been revealed yet. I just have this inner, deep knowing that this is so. I have learned to be patience and I have learned, that it is not always about me, when things are not moving forward, as I was thinking they should.

In my old days I thought I knew what love is. I thought I knew what freedom is. I thought I knew what joy, happiness and peace is. I thought long time ago that I knew how to let go. How to surrender. That I was not controlling anything or anyone anymore. I thought I knew what inner power is and what deep inner knowing was. Well let me tell you, that I had no idea! It is only when these things really hit the cord of you, yes, then you know. I had to learn to experience these things so deeply and it was not easy.

Bit by bit I am wrapping up my past. The places and people in it. I had a walk today by the lake we have here and I was thinking, that I have been living here about 30 years. I have moved away and then came back. Moved again and came back. So it is understandable that this process takes a little bit time. It is scary to let go of the place that has been such a big part of me for so long. So I need to allow myself to be sad. I need this time to let go. I need to go back to my memories of this place and the people in it, over and over again. So I am very well taken care of by the Universe. I am not forced to move forward until it is absolutely sure that I am ready for it. Divine timing.

What ever is meant for me, will be. I don't have to sit in a meditation for 24 hours for that or do huge manifestation maps in order to get what is meant for me. All I have to do, is be me. Trust that my higher self will guide me forward when it is time.

And so I am wrapping up the old and allowing the new to sink in. Life is a one big process, a marathon and we all signed up here voluntarily. Just like in the marathon, you don't give up, even though the going gets tough. You just keep on going, one step at the time. And the good thing is, that if I don't realize, that it is time to make a move, the Universe will organize it for me. So I can relax and just be. In the moment. Here and now and say my goodbyes as long as I need to. Cry if I need to. And in this way knowing, that I am just making room for the new.