THE WRAP-UP
Today I want to honor my inner journey by remembering where I started, who I was before and where I am now. Today. This journey of finding my true self is not over for sure, but before the new year, I kind of wanted to sit down and write down all the things I have learned along the way.
I will not tell my whole story again. My history and another blog from the last four years, you can find here: PERFECT ENOUGH. More I just want to kind of make my own list of how I see fear versus love. How I used to live from the space of fear and now, what has changed when I do have a bigger perspective on things and how love sees things.
LOVE: Most important thing I have learned is to unconditionally love myself. Just the way I am. I respect myself and I am learning more and more about boundaries. I am authentic. I don't deny anything from myself. As I am conscious about what I am doing, there is no reason to deny anything. There is no need to listen anybody else. Only I can know what is good for me and what is not. Everything in this life is for me, a tool of love. If I feel like smoking a cigarette, I do so with full awareness of my choice in that moment. If I do not exercise, I am very aware of it. I am excepting all my gifts with huge gratitude and humbleness. I take full responsibility of anything I do or say. There is no judgement in me what so ever. I love the fact that there are different kind of people and different truths. I love the fact that we all have our own soul missions here on earth, it is so interesting. I understand the bigger picture and I trust my guides and the Universe 100 %. I go with the flow and I fully surrender to the fact that I am taken care of.
FEAR: I did not like myself. I was beautiful with a perfect body, but I only saw fats. I was busy and doing doing all the time. Pushing myself into more better results. I was not present. I got irritated so easily. I blamed others. I was mean with my words and actions. I was a perfectionist. I was kind of a "my way or highway" kind of girl. I was cheap with money and giving something to others was not easy. I had money, but I felt like I never had enough. I was possessive and jealous. I was a control freak. I knew how to drink, sometimes for days. I was talking bad behind peoples backs. I was judging. I wanted people to do thinks my way. I needed to push my point of view through by arguing. It was very important to me to "always" be right.
Don't get me wrong here. For sure I had some wonderful and funny times in my "old life". So it was not all about suffering and heartache. But even then, my joy was fear based. Oh, this is such a big topic that it is impossible to cover everything. But let me make it simple from my point of view, just in case you sometimes wonder are your thoughts coming from fear or love.
LOVE:
Just is
Accepts
Trusts
Goes with the flow
Is okey with not knowing
Respects
Has clear boundaries
Understands that everybody has their own soul journey and that each and everyone of them is as valuable as another
Inner power
Inner knowing
Own truth
Self love
Has sympathy
Has empathy
Needs no recognition
Is humble
Sees difference as a richness
Allows
Understands the bigger picture, the meaning of life
Knows ones souls mission
Is detached
From being to doing
Sees beauty
Bigger then any religion
Doesn't need boxes or labels
Feels
Is gentle
Has mercy
FEAR:
Is jealous
Is controlling
Is possessive
Is loud
Is cold
Is angry
Blame's others
Is a victim
Needs gurus and teachers
Does not know who true self is
Needs people to like one self
No respect
Needs outside validations like money, tittles, big cars and likes in Facebook
Needs possessions
Is scared of many kinds of things like diseases, death, bacteria and so on
No trust in life, but control
Not relaxed
Wears masks
Settles
People pleasing
No boundaries
Talks behind one's back
Has a lot to say without no action
Doesn't want to face the dark corners of one self
Wants to keep one stuck and small
Wants others opinions about everything
Not able to make decisions
Busy (because it makes one feel important)
Disrespect
Selfish
Needs to be always right
Needs to force one's point of view to others
Makes jokes from others
Is attached to people and places
Complains
Interferes into others life's
Gives advices without asking
Low self esteem
No self love
Is tough
Pushes
From doing to being
Labels things to good and bad
Plays games
Deceives
Uses others
Anger
War
Racism
Puts things into boxes and gives labels
Judges
Negativity
Misuses power
I feel like within these last ten years I have kind of awaken from a dream I was living and that I thought was the ultimate truth. I see now that everything and everybody here has a purpose. I can see the bigger picture. I am having like this view of a giraffe. Sometimes I look at my life and I can so clearly see the roles and the games I have been playing. It is not easy to change the things that I have gotten used to for so long. To start to think differently. To start to see things differently. To start to talk and act differently. Specially when nothing outside of you is not supporting you in any way.
We are so scared of being authentic and being rejected that we keep on playing the old games just that we can be part of the community or our families. I can't do this anymore.
I have decided long time ago that I will let my ego and my mind to step aside and I allow my heart and my higher self to guide me. They can see and understand things that I can not. Nor can my ego or mind. I do still question my higher self's choices sometimes, but at the end, I surrender. I know that my higher self will always guide me to the right places and towards right people. I still have fears. I don't think that they will ever disappear. There will always be situations where I have to find my strength in order to move forward. But I do despite the fear.
I allow myself to have my dark days as well as my crying days. I allow everything these days. I turn inside over and over again. If some days I look at other people in my life and I reflect something from them, I allow that too. But then I turn inside again. I am my business, no one else. I am willing to face my fears and I am totally detached from people. I don't need anyone to make me happy, only I can do it. I take care of my inner child all the time. I am not always happy with the emotions that arise, but I accept them. I understand now that I don't need to be happy all the time. We are thought that this is how it should be. That we should be happy all the time. But this is not true. Those "bad days" are just as valuable as "the good days". After all, they are just days with different kind of feelings, that's all.
I know now that I came here for a reason. I came here for something that has not been revealed yet. I just have this inner, deep knowing that this is so. I have learned to be patience and I have learned, that it is not always about me, when things are not moving forward, as I was thinking they should.
In my old days I thought I knew what love is. I thought I knew what freedom is. I thought I knew what joy, happiness and peace is. I thought long time ago that I knew how to let go. How to surrender. That I was not controlling anything or anyone anymore. I thought I knew what inner power is and what deep inner knowing was. Well let me tell you, that I had no idea! It is only when these things really hit the cord of you, yes, then you know. I had to learn to experience these things so deeply and it was not easy.
Bit by bit I am wrapping up my past. The places and people in it. I had a walk today by the lake we have here and I was thinking, that I have been living here about 30 years. I have moved away and then came back. Moved again and came back. So it is understandable that this process takes a little bit time. It is scary to let go of the place that has been such a big part of me for so long. So I need to allow myself to be sad. I need this time to let go. I need to go back to my memories of this place and the people in it, over and over again. So I am very well taken care of by the Universe. I am not forced to move forward until it is absolutely sure that I am ready for it. Divine timing.
What ever is meant for me, will be. I don't have to sit in a meditation for 24 hours for that or do huge manifestation maps in order to get what is meant for me. All I have to do, is be me. Trust that my higher self will guide me forward when it is time.
And so I am wrapping up the old and allowing the new to sink in. Life is a one big process, a marathon and we all signed up here voluntarily. Just like in the marathon, you don't give up, even though the going gets tough. You just keep on going, one step at the time. And the good thing is, that if I don't realize, that it is time to make a move, the Universe will organize it for me. So I can relax and just be. In the moment. Here and now and say my goodbyes as long as I need to. Cry if I need to. And in this way knowing, that I am just making room for the new.
I will not tell my whole story again. My history and another blog from the last four years, you can find here: PERFECT ENOUGH. More I just want to kind of make my own list of how I see fear versus love. How I used to live from the space of fear and now, what has changed when I do have a bigger perspective on things and how love sees things.
LOVE: Most important thing I have learned is to unconditionally love myself. Just the way I am. I respect myself and I am learning more and more about boundaries. I am authentic. I don't deny anything from myself. As I am conscious about what I am doing, there is no reason to deny anything. There is no need to listen anybody else. Only I can know what is good for me and what is not. Everything in this life is for me, a tool of love. If I feel like smoking a cigarette, I do so with full awareness of my choice in that moment. If I do not exercise, I am very aware of it. I am excepting all my gifts with huge gratitude and humbleness. I take full responsibility of anything I do or say. There is no judgement in me what so ever. I love the fact that there are different kind of people and different truths. I love the fact that we all have our own soul missions here on earth, it is so interesting. I understand the bigger picture and I trust my guides and the Universe 100 %. I go with the flow and I fully surrender to the fact that I am taken care of.
FEAR: I did not like myself. I was beautiful with a perfect body, but I only saw fats. I was busy and doing doing all the time. Pushing myself into more better results. I was not present. I got irritated so easily. I blamed others. I was mean with my words and actions. I was a perfectionist. I was kind of a "my way or highway" kind of girl. I was cheap with money and giving something to others was not easy. I had money, but I felt like I never had enough. I was possessive and jealous. I was a control freak. I knew how to drink, sometimes for days. I was talking bad behind peoples backs. I was judging. I wanted people to do thinks my way. I needed to push my point of view through by arguing. It was very important to me to "always" be right.
Don't get me wrong here. For sure I had some wonderful and funny times in my "old life". So it was not all about suffering and heartache. But even then, my joy was fear based. Oh, this is such a big topic that it is impossible to cover everything. But let me make it simple from my point of view, just in case you sometimes wonder are your thoughts coming from fear or love.
LOVE:
Just is
Accepts
Trusts
Goes with the flow
Is okey with not knowing
Respects
Has clear boundaries
Understands that everybody has their own soul journey and that each and everyone of them is as valuable as another
Inner power
Inner knowing
Own truth
Self love
Has sympathy
Has empathy
Needs no recognition
Is humble
Sees difference as a richness
Allows
Understands the bigger picture, the meaning of life
Knows ones souls mission
Is detached
From being to doing
Sees beauty
Bigger then any religion
Doesn't need boxes or labels
Feels
Is gentle
Has mercy
FEAR:
Is jealous
Is controlling
Is possessive
Is loud
Is cold
Is angry
Blame's others
Is a victim
Needs gurus and teachers
Does not know who true self is
Needs people to like one self
No respect
Needs outside validations like money, tittles, big cars and likes in Facebook
Needs possessions
Is scared of many kinds of things like diseases, death, bacteria and so on
No trust in life, but control
Not relaxed
Wears masks
Settles
People pleasing
No boundaries
Talks behind one's back
Has a lot to say without no action
Doesn't want to face the dark corners of one self
Wants to keep one stuck and small
Wants others opinions about everything
Not able to make decisions
Busy (because it makes one feel important)
Disrespect
Selfish
Needs to be always right
Needs to force one's point of view to others
Makes jokes from others
Is attached to people and places
Complains
Interferes into others life's
Gives advices without asking
Low self esteem
No self love
Is tough
Pushes
From doing to being
Labels things to good and bad
Plays games
Deceives
Uses others
Anger
War
Racism
Puts things into boxes and gives labels
Judges
Negativity
Misuses power
I feel like within these last ten years I have kind of awaken from a dream I was living and that I thought was the ultimate truth. I see now that everything and everybody here has a purpose. I can see the bigger picture. I am having like this view of a giraffe. Sometimes I look at my life and I can so clearly see the roles and the games I have been playing. It is not easy to change the things that I have gotten used to for so long. To start to think differently. To start to see things differently. To start to talk and act differently. Specially when nothing outside of you is not supporting you in any way.
We are so scared of being authentic and being rejected that we keep on playing the old games just that we can be part of the community or our families. I can't do this anymore.
I have decided long time ago that I will let my ego and my mind to step aside and I allow my heart and my higher self to guide me. They can see and understand things that I can not. Nor can my ego or mind. I do still question my higher self's choices sometimes, but at the end, I surrender. I know that my higher self will always guide me to the right places and towards right people. I still have fears. I don't think that they will ever disappear. There will always be situations where I have to find my strength in order to move forward. But I do despite the fear.
I allow myself to have my dark days as well as my crying days. I allow everything these days. I turn inside over and over again. If some days I look at other people in my life and I reflect something from them, I allow that too. But then I turn inside again. I am my business, no one else. I am willing to face my fears and I am totally detached from people. I don't need anyone to make me happy, only I can do it. I take care of my inner child all the time. I am not always happy with the emotions that arise, but I accept them. I understand now that I don't need to be happy all the time. We are thought that this is how it should be. That we should be happy all the time. But this is not true. Those "bad days" are just as valuable as "the good days". After all, they are just days with different kind of feelings, that's all.
I know now that I came here for a reason. I came here for something that has not been revealed yet. I just have this inner, deep knowing that this is so. I have learned to be patience and I have learned, that it is not always about me, when things are not moving forward, as I was thinking they should.
In my old days I thought I knew what love is. I thought I knew what freedom is. I thought I knew what joy, happiness and peace is. I thought long time ago that I knew how to let go. How to surrender. That I was not controlling anything or anyone anymore. I thought I knew what inner power is and what deep inner knowing was. Well let me tell you, that I had no idea! It is only when these things really hit the cord of you, yes, then you know. I had to learn to experience these things so deeply and it was not easy.
Bit by bit I am wrapping up my past. The places and people in it. I had a walk today by the lake we have here and I was thinking, that I have been living here about 30 years. I have moved away and then came back. Moved again and came back. So it is understandable that this process takes a little bit time. It is scary to let go of the place that has been such a big part of me for so long. So I need to allow myself to be sad. I need this time to let go. I need to go back to my memories of this place and the people in it, over and over again. So I am very well taken care of by the Universe. I am not forced to move forward until it is absolutely sure that I am ready for it. Divine timing.
What ever is meant for me, will be. I don't have to sit in a meditation for 24 hours for that or do huge manifestation maps in order to get what is meant for me. All I have to do, is be me. Trust that my higher self will guide me forward when it is time.
And so I am wrapping up the old and allowing the new to sink in. Life is a one big process, a marathon and we all signed up here voluntarily. Just like in the marathon, you don't give up, even though the going gets tough. You just keep on going, one step at the time. And the good thing is, that if I don't realize, that it is time to make a move, the Universe will organize it for me. So I can relax and just be. In the moment. Here and now and say my goodbyes as long as I need to. Cry if I need to. And in this way knowing, that I am just making room for the new.
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