MY UNIQUE PATH FINALLY GOT TURNED ON

I have been having this flu now for almost two weeks. This is why I have been taking it easy. Relaxing, not much exercise, watching Netflix and sleeping. I really feel like this situation is a big, fat joke! Life has felt heavy, I am tired, feel like 100 years old with no joy or energy what so ever! I don't see people that much, I just want to be by myself. Isolation is the word of the day. I cry a lot and I know that these tears are the tears, I have never allowed myself to cry before. I am breathing, but not really feeling alive. 

What is interesting to me is, that I haven't really felt too much anxiety or frustration like I have before. I am just like "okey, this shit keeps going on again today, can't really bother to give a fuck anymore!" Just accepting that this is how life looks like at this moment. Not fighting against the situation. Actually, I have been managing this quite well, to be honest. And because it has been so heavy and confusing, all I can do is laugh. And cry. And watch some more Netflix. Thank god for Netflix!

"Oh love, I know this phase has not been easy for you", says Victoria (my soul, my higher self). "But if you think about it now, what is it that has changed?"

Hmmm...Well. To be honest, there are plenty! Let's start with exercise. I have always been crazy when it comes to exercise. I have been even cruel to my body, because of the external defenitions of how our bodies should look like. And now, my body is on strike! It just don't want to move. At all! No yoga, no weight lifting, no cardio, nothing. Maybe just long, slow walks, where I can enjoy the fresh air and nature. But that's all. I feel like all the beliefs that I have about my body, are falling away. I have been learning to love my "lovehandles", my saggy arms, my cellulite, all of it. 

Since I have always been so harsh on myself, my body has been stiff and hard too. Now, everything is changing. My body is getting softer, more juicier. What is interesting is, that I have not gotten that much more weight at all. I am learning how to love my body in this moment, just the way it is. Now, I am letting my body rest and recover from years of exercise abuse. And she (my body) is enjoying every minute of it! 

I know I will eventually learn new ways to take care of my body, but all the beliefs when it comes to food, exercise and other things I have heard from outside of me, are falling away. The only thing I can do, is listen to me.

"Yey!!!!", Victoria shouts. She is so happy to hear this. "Compassion, this is what you are finally showing to yourself. You couln't do it before, because there was nobody else there for you. Even still, you are on your own, but now, you have more trust, you are more relaxed, less controlling and more patient, so no need to push yourself anymore. Things will be fine. To be honest my love, our fairy tale is just starting!"

Oooo, I agree! I have followed so many "spiritual leaders" over the years and now, for the last couple of days, I have unfollowed them all. I care, but I don't. Today, as I was relaxing in the sofa, having my lunch, I heard Victoria wispering so clearly: "Today, your own unique path has been turned on."

I had to stop for awhile and I was like "what"?!?

Today, my own unique path has been turned on. It is time.

What does this mean?!?

"Love, do you remember, when earlier today, you told your friend, that it is time to "not to listen to other people stories"? That before they did inspire you, but now, that is not the case. You said that now, it is time to find your own story", says Victoria. 

I do! I was very passionate about this. It came out with such a power, that I even needed to call back to my friend and apologize. I respect everybodys journey and I have been following people who I have seen as forerunners. I have needed the guidance. But now, all of a sudden, all of these people and their stories or their directions, just drop away. I am finally ready to find out how my story unfolds! Oh my god, what a relief!!!

"Yes, this is so cool!!!!", shouts Victoria. "I have been waiting for this!!!! As you claim your own power back from the people you have been following, "the forerunners" so to say, you finally gave yourself and your team a permission to move forward. Remember when you said that you are done with healing? Have you noticed since then, that you really can not go back into very deep thoughts like before?"

Oh, actually this is true. I might feel something, but I haven't really been thinking about "why" anymore. The feeling just is and then it goes away. It is true. I haven't had that feeling of "I need to know why" anymore. I don't care. Past is past. I have dealt with it and the rest comes to my attention if needed. Victoria is right. After claiming that I am done with the healing, I just can't dig deep anymore. Cool!

"This is it!", says Victoria. "Today, you did the same. You claimed that you want to know what your own story looks like and this my love, openned the gates for you! It seems that as humans, you forget how fast the energy moves. So what seemed right yesterday, doesn't seem right today. So anything that has been thaught about this journey by the forerunners, has been true, 100 % for them, at that time. There might be similarities still, but now it is so important for all of the humans to understand, that you might be in the same energy wave, if I may call it that. But your journeys are yours. Unique. And really, no one can not say what your fairy tale looks like. Only we can. You, me and Roger (my ego). And today, you finally openned the gates. You gave us a permission to move forward and for this, me and Roger are so happy!"

Oh, me too. I feel different inside. It is even hard to explain it. All I know, that "the game is on", just because I was finally able to let go of anybody elses stories of how life should look like. From now on, it is about what we want and what is brought to us. Everybody has to follow their own paths how ever it looks like to them. 

It is a weird feeling to feel this shift. It is almost like somekind of switch got turn on all of a sudden. Oh my god! I am happy beond!!!!!! I almost lost my faith to be honest. I was sure that nothing will change, but what I feel now, is so exiting!! This is so interesting!!! All this inner work. So many fears and beliefs. So many tears. So much hurt. So much heaviness. So much being and accepting what is. Just surviving. For so long being a follower, instead of a leader. Wow! This is incredible! I am finally stepping into my own, unique story without listening to anybody else. 

I don't know what this means or what does it physically look like, but I can not wait! This is our (me, Victoria and Roger) fairy tale and finally I am able to claim it fully! 

DONE WITH HEALING

I participated in a healing session yesterday. This one was something I have never done before and the method was new to me. We did this in a group and you can have your own intention when entering the session. It was intense, but very interesting. I have known that we carry the weight of our familylines from far behind, even past lifes, but still, what came up in this session amazed me. Unfortunately I can not go into the details, because everything that happenned there, is confidential. But let's just say that we were able to lift the burdens in a very powerful way. Not only ours, but some of our ancestors too! Now they are finally at peace and something heavy has left from my mind and body. 

"Oh my, it surely was interesting!", says Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego). "You humans have so much to heal and now more than ever, we feel you! It takes so much courage to go through this process!"

I agree. I was so humble and honored to be there and witness these processes! Unbelieveble stories!

BUT! In the evening a new thought came to my mind. 

"I AM DONE WITH HEALING!", Roger shouted. "I feel like the only thing we have been doing for such a long time, is healing! I am tired of it!! Healing, healing, healing.... Ah, there is so much in this life to experience and we are just healing and healing and healing! I want to LIVE!"

"Roger Roger, you are so right to be honest", says Victoria. And I agree.

For a moment Roger gets quiet. He can not believe that we agree! Normally he has to bend and give up, but this time, me and Victoria, we take him into a big hug and yes! We fully agree 100 %!

"What's going on?", he says in wonder. 

"Darling, you are so right. This is a process that has been going on for a while now and I am happy that YOU Roger, are the one, who wants to move on. I was sure that you want to stick into the things we have gotten familiar with. I was sure, that when we come to this phase, you would be fighting against this. And I am so happy we are seeing this eye to eye! I absolutely love it!", shouts Victoria and claps her little hands. 

I am totally out now too. What is going on? I don't feel like I am healed yet. What does this all mean?! Roger is sitting next to me and we are holding hands. We are curious to hear what Victoria has to say. 

"Well, my loves, let me explain this", she laughs. Then she stands in front of us like she would be on a stage and the audiense, me and Roger, oh we are ready to hear this! TED -talk by Victoria we laugh!

"Healing is something that takes time and efford, at first. But we have done it now for such a long time, that it has become almost like automatic, if I can say it this way. What I mean by this is that Saija already knows the process. She knows how it goes and she knows what to do. So now, we will be still healing, but from now on, we don't always have to understand or know why something is coming up. Or where does it relate to. It just happens. Healing process has become part of us. It might be a feeling that we now know how to feel. It might be tiredness and now we know how to rest and take it easy. It might be something in our body, but now we know how to deal with it, because we can hear the whispers of the body. She is now fully included into our being." 

"I am surpriced that Roger got tired, because for sure, it is easy to stay in a place that you know. It can be a healing journey or a relationship or what ever that makes you feel comfortable. But I am so very happy that we are willing and ready to leave our comfort zone and be now fully open for something new! We are here to experience life after all, with all it's glory!" 

I love this! I have become conscious enough to feel and do what our team needs. I am finally hearing myself fully! I am so happy about this! We don't always have to dig so deep and this was a epiphany Roger got yesterday evening as he was expressing his feelings about healing. Uuuuu, thank you Roger love! You are the best! Oh my god! Because to be honest, it is time to "leave this healing circle behind and move on to what ever is next for us. I am so ready!

"Yes love", says Victoria. "If I can say, you are whole enough to move on. As I said, healing will go on, but now it is time to let this be and allow new things and new thoughts, new people to enter into our life. All the events and people that we will meet in the future, will teach us more and more about us and we will be "healing" along the way. Humans will always learn and heal as long as they are here on earth. And now it is time to thank us for our bravery and move on."

We are so ready! To be honest this feels like a huge relief to me. Healing is beautiful and it does lighten you up. But it also takes you to some dark places inside of you and that, feels heavy now. So let the healing happen as it happens, but I truly want to start to investigate more what new will come my way. What does this new Saija want? What does she like? 

I have heard this from someone that we have to come fully empty until our inner fire can light up. That fire that has always been there, but was burried underneath my fears and beliefs. Well, I question this from my heart. Not that it was not true to others, but just that is this true to me?

"Well, I can not say anything about someone elses inner journey, but for us, at least at this moment, I think it is a little bit too much to think that we could be fully empty from everything. The thing is, Saija love, you will talk to people, you will do things like surf in the social media. This creates new beliefs all the time. As a human, it is impossible to avoid this. So as you live your everyday life, you hear sayings or talks that make you think and wonder and this is how it is supposed to be. In this lifetime you will question your own beliefs billion times! This is how the learning keeps going." 

"Your inner fire is on! It is another belief that it isn't just because it doesn't look like the way you Saija think it's supposed to look. If your inner fire wouln't be on, you couln't move on day after day. It is that inner fire that keeps you going. Keeps you healing. Keeps you waking up in the morning and getting into the shower even if there is nothing to do. Your inner fire is on, it was and it has been ever since you were born! Now, it is just changing into something different, new. Lets call it our authentic fire."

Wow! I am amazed! This is true. As I let go of this belief, I grab another one from somewhere else. 

"We are never stuck, our inner fire can not ever be out and the doors are always open. This is something that I really really want us to understand. If a minute is gone, it is old. It is in the past. No way to return into it. Outside the world may look the same, but every moment is fresh, new. The energy moves these days so very fast and this is why we can fully trust only the present moment. This is why planning ahead is getting difficult. You can not know how you will be feeling before hand. What ever is true in this moment, might not be true in the next. This is how much the energetic field has changed in the earth", continues Victoria. "Can you see now how much movement is happening, even if we can't see it?"

Sure! And I think I am learning new ways to be and it is not easy. At least our team can now move into the next phase in our life what ever it looks like. Maybe it is a job abroad or maybe it is not. Who knows. 

"Well, I am just happy you too took me seriously", Roger says. "It was about time!" Me and Victoria laugh. Let him be the bossman for a while, he deserves it. We end up giggling on the floor. Thank god we have each other and all our inner wisdom! We now claim the new era welcome!

FORGET ABOUT SPIRITUALITY

This posts subject is something, I have been thinking and pondering for a while now. Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are present, but this one, this is mine.

I saw a picture of me in my confirmation day. It jumped out from my Facebook feed yesterday. I was looking at this beatiful 15 year old girl and this brought up some thoughts about my "spiritual journey" that I have been in now for more than 13 years. Oh my! I am so tired of this word "spiritual". You know what, we are "spiritual" when we are born! If you are breathing, you are spiritual! You are a spirit and spirit can only be alive, if it is breathing. So if you are breathing, you are spiritual! The fact that we think that someone else is more spritual then another, creates a huge gap between each other and trust me, this truly is not "spiritual"!

Oh and yes! I have been there! Along my inner journey, I did put myself in pedestal. Seeing myself somehow more "spiritual" then others, because "they didn't get it". But thank god, I fell to my ass from that pedestal and this was the best thing that ever happenned to me!

I decided long time ago to jump into this inner journey. I wanted to get to know the Saija that I had never met. This is what is all about to me, get to know the authentic Saija, not about "spiritual journey". I WANTED to get to know me, because I knew, that the beliefs and thoughts that others had about me, were not the truth. I also wanted to understand why, time after time, I found myself in a similar situations with different faces. And this how it goes, if our traumas, fears and beliefs keep guiding us. Most of the time we don't even realize that this is happening. I know I didn't!

I don't know if you have had that experience, but these days, if I follow any "spiritual" writings or videos, I do get this image, like there is something wrong with me. It is almost like for 13 years I have been trying to change something in me, so that I wouldn't be so "bad". So that I wouldn't react, as I react. Or there has to be something wrong in me, if I am not in a ZEN-state all the time. Or if I can't manifest like others. There is this constant strive to be this super human without the whole human emotional scale. That we should always be positive instead of feeling what I am feeling. 

"Love, we needed these opposite sides to exist", says Victoria. "Humanity was and is still mostly, living in a fear based world. How we started to break this intensity of fear, was by creating the "over the top spirituality". This was the only way to start to balance the energy of the world from fear towards unity and love. Now, some of you are stepping out of this "spiritual" circles, because you are now your own leaders. We still need the opposites, but the scale is getting more and more balanced. But it is changing it's form. Before we could bybass some aspects of us, but now, the energies are kind of forcing us not to."

Yes, this is true and it is so very interesting! And I could still, for sure, isolate myself into this "bubble of spirituality" where I would be praying for light and love to humanity. Where I would repeat mantras and talk to my bussy. I could bury my head to the sand without facing the wrongs that are happening in the world. But this, to me, would be bypassing humanity. Bypassing life. And most of all, bypassing myself! In my own community I would't have to face the mirrows (people and life events), that I truly would need in order to really become free. 

If I would blindly follow some guru who would tell me how to live, how to be or what to eat, I could never step into my full power. If I would be living this way, I would give the reins of my life outside of me and this to me, is bypassing. It is running. Of cause there are many ways to run, like addictions. And for sure, it is easier to follow some guru, goverment or religion, because this way, if something goes wrong in your life, you can always blame that ourside source instead of taking full responsibility of your life and all parts of it.  

Truly, the only way towards oneself, is through. All the emotions. All the experiences. Feel the feelings you never knew you had or had tools to. Face the unfear events of your life and feel the pain they have caused. Let them finally come to be seen and cleared out of the body and mind. 

And suddenly, this huge pressure of constantly trying to change something in me, don't resonate to me at all. I accept. That's it! A word, that will change everything. I accept that I feel anxiety and this way, it will fade away much faster. I accept my joy, my lazyness, activity, the fact that I don't always know what to do and so on. I accept myself just the way I am and this way, I can accept others the way they are. I accept. Period. This is my "spiritual" lesson to you my lovies!

And as I have learned to know myself and after trying to change myself so much, the funny thing is, that my cord essence hasn't really changed at all!

What has changed is the knowing why I react to certain things the way I do. I now have the courage to draw clear boundaries and I can say no, if I don't want to. I can try crazy new things without thinking what others would say. My cord essence is filled with this childlike joy. I have a big, kind heart and I never want to hurt another. Through my own inner journey, I have learned to deal with my emotions so that I don't take it on others anymore. Inside of me lives this automatic respect towards everyone and everything. I no longer put myself down, but no one is above me eather. We are all born naked and equal. 

And the best thing is, that I am getting to know this genuine, authentic Saija day by day better never before. I am so proud of this beautiful woman and yes! I am not affraid to say it out loud!

This is what life is all about. Just this. Loveliness, anxiety, laughter and crying. Beautiful feelings and less beautiful feelings. Nicer events and less nice events. I am here to learn about me every day through others and through different events. When you get curious about life and about yourself, life somehow gets ligher. This is not so serious! We are the ones who create unnecessary presures to ourselves without even realising it.

Bit by bit I have been clearing my social media from posts that make me feel, like there would be something wrong with me. Or where they tell me that I am the biggest obsticle in my life. I don't read books anymore and I don't watch vidos that much. I already have all I need inside of me. I just need to trust this. Only I can know what is best for me and if I take my attention outside of me, I feel so bad that I come straight "back home" to me and talk to Saija. 

And now, I don't want to judge any of the "spiritual" materials and teachers I have been following! Oh no. Without them I wouldn't be so fully in my own power. So I am very very thankful of all of them. 

It is just time to start to question things that are fed to us. No matter "spiritual" or "non spiritual". I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are already spiritual when you were born! But. If you want to get to know the true you, I salute you! I cheer for you. I encourage you to stand with your own two feet and to trust your own vision of how you want your life to be. This is your journey, not anybody elses! 

The most worst enemies in my inner journey have been people pleasing and not creating clear boundaries. Each time I listen to others or do things just because someone else wants me to, I am stepping away from my inner power, from my center. 

So. I don't listen tips on how to dress. I don't listen tips on how to eat. I don't listen on how often I should exersize. Aaaaaand, I don't follow the Kardashians. Noup. I DO ME! My body is wise enough to tell me what it needs in each moment and inside of me, there is this power that knows when to stop to listen to these messages. My heart (Victoria) has taken over and it doesn't make any sence to fight against it. And yes, Roger (my ego) tries sometimes for sure! But for me, this is the best ever!

We are all unique and what ever suits for someone else, does not suit you. Only you can know what is best for you! If my team could give you one advice, it would be a question: "How do you feel?! If you do this, how do you feel? If you say this, how do you feel? This is the biggest guide for me at this moment. Nothing, to me, is a must. I shoulnt', but I want. If something or someone makes me feel anxiety, I don't, because then, I would be people pleasing, instead of listening to me. I would be stepping out of my own power. 

To hear oneself and putting oneself first, takes a lot of courage and yes, you will piss a lot of people on the way. But if they get pissed, isn't it their responsibility to deal with it?

Just be and do you. Do you have the courage?

ROGER IS FEELING RESTLESS

Today Roger (my ego) has been so restless. It is just something that happens every now and then. Less often than before, but it happens. These situations are usually handled between Victoria (my higher self) and Roger, so my only job is to be present and observe. 

"I can't take this anymore!", Roger shouts. "Our life is just so boring! I don't know what to do to change it and this is bullshit! Every day is the same. Same, same, same. I don't want to exercise, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to go anywhere! I hate this! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!"

Me and Victoria can see that he is feeling very frustrated today. 

"It's okey, Roger", says Victoria. "You can feel what ever you feel. This is good. Let it all out!"

"I hate it when you say this", says Roger. "Why can't I be in charge sometimes? Why do you always have to decide what we are going to do and when?", he is shouting.

"Love, I don't have to. I really don't. That's the thing. We are in this together. What ever we decide to do, we will all stand behind that decision", says Victoria. 

I understand Roger. I think that it is sometimes hard. Make decisions or not to make them. You think and you think and yet, there is no answers. Or no action for that matter. I feel like sometimes I am affraid to make "the wrong" decision. 

"Yes!", shouts Roger. "This is how I feel! I want us to do something, but something is stopping us and I know it is you Victoria! This is all your fault!"

"I am sorry love, that you feel this way. My guidence is always based on what I feel we are ready for. I know it is not easy to be and to be, but things are not quite ready for us yet to move forward. I know it is very frustrating and life can feel boring. But could we look at this in a new way?"

"What if frustation is good! What if being bored is good?", she asks. 

Me and Roger stand here looking like question marks. What do you mean?

"As humans, ever since you are babies, you are thaught, that things have to "move forward". That boredom is bad. Or frustration. But this is not so. These feelings are coming from your old belief system, because you were told ever since you were small that you are not worthy, if you are not productive. This has caused you to believe, that you have to always reach higher, reach for more, instead of being happy with what you have in this very moment. Let me give you an example."

"There was this shop keeper, who started his business from the scratch. Bit by bit he was able to build the business into a solid one. He even started to make profit. He had good staff and good people around him. The quality of the store was high and the customers loved the shop. But because of his belief system, he could not truly enjoy his victory. Because victory it was for sure! No no. As soon as the profits started to come, he started to plan for a bigger shop. He wanted more. He wanted bigger! He wanted to be the best in town!"

"And so he took another loan, started the remodeling and extending the shop. The days were long and he was always at work. His wife and kids basically lived without him, but he couldn't see it. Well, you can quess how this story ends. He did end up without his family and the store got so big, that it was hard to handle. He was stressed over the matters of the shop. Always there was something. And the loan was so big, that trying to pay it, gave him an ulcer!"

"Humans always have to get more, try harder, be bigger and so on. This shopkeeper could have enjoyed his life fully with his family. Delegate his work to people he trusts and take vacations with his family. Enjoy fully the fruits of his labor. But because of the belief that "we always have to move forward or do better", he could not."

This is interesting, I think. It is true. This belief is still living deep inside of me. And this is why Roger is frustrated today. Because "we are not moving forward" or so it seems. 

"And this is the thing. Letting all these old beliefs go, so that we could enjoy each moment fully as it is. Because the truth is, we do only have this moment. We don't always have to force things to happen. We don't always have to be bigger or better. We are good enough just because we are alive! And this is something that I truly want our team to understand. That we can relax into this moment and trust that things "will move forward" when the divine timing is right. Until then, we are moving forward, but energetically and inward", says Victoria. "I am not keeping us "stuck" just because, but there is always a very good reason to my actions. After all, our team is here to learn, how to let ALL the beliefs and fears go. We are here to find who we truly are, not what we were told we are. And we can only get to this zero point by allowing. Allowing things to come up. Allowing us to feel anything that comes up. Allowing things to unfold naturally without controlling."

Oh my. Me and Roger are quiet. He knows these things already, but sometimes he just can't take it. And we tell him, that this is okey. The whole point is to let the frustration out. To feel it and then release it. It is the old mud that we don't want to carry anymore, so let him feel what he is feeling and that's it. 

For me, this "inner battle" can be tireing, but more and more, Roger is at peace and accepting things as they are. 

"And our talks help me a lot! After these talks, I feel so much more calmer, lighter and at ease", he says. 

We have a group hug, because we are so very proud of our team. He can have his fits, no problem. And we are learning to live moment by moment every day and thank god, most days we all feel okey with how things are now. After all, we have all we need. Getting to know the true me, is our teams job and it takes what it takes. And now, after this talk, we can relax into this knowing. All will be well and nothing that is meant for us, can not pass us by. But right now, we are here. In the candle light, having Mangos :o).

BODY GETTING REWIRED

Lately I have been having quite intense days. My body is having pains that I have never experienced before. I have aces and pains here and there. At the same time I am feeling tired, bored, no creative flow, nothing feels nothing, even symptoms of depression. I feel anxiety and I am crying a lot. I have this feeling of not belonging to this world. And then suddenly, next day, I am at the top of my game!

Yesterday I saw this video of Lorie Ladd (link: Internal shifts) and it just gave me so much understanding about the prosess that I am going through. I have to call Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) to this talk about this!

"Hi love", says Victoria. "So nice to be here to talk about this. This is very very important!"

I agree. 

"So what's going on?", she asks. 

Well, I explain to her what I have been feeling lately and about the video I saw. I have known that I am clearing a lot of old memories from my body, but this video gave me so much yesterday. Victoria starts to smile. 

"I just absolutely love this", she says. "Have you noticed how hard you still have been to yourself?", she asks. 

I have to admit that I see it now. I always, still, expect myself to be productive and active and if at that day, I can't, I just can't seem to give myself a break. 

"And compassion is just what you need", she says. "So share with us what you learned yesterday", she says. 

So, what Lorie was explaining was that all the experiences that we have had in life, are all found in our bodies. As I shift into higher energy, my body must release all the old and dence out. This means all the bulling, heartaces, disappointments, all the hurt, I have experienced in my life and the emotions related to these events. All the emotions that I couldn't go through at the time when these things happenned to me. All these feelings are stored in my body and now, they are all coming out. All the feelings I have hidden or not been able to face, because I didn't know how. And because I am so willing to be free from the old and getting in touch with my true essence, they are now surficing, so that I can feel them fully and this way, I am able to let them go for good.

"Oh, this is so beautiful", says Victoria. "Isn't it amazing how wise the soul is! It just takes you through everything, you are supposed to, so that you can be totally free. Not only in your mind, but in your body too! I absolutely love it!"

Roger has been listening and he is nodding his head. "With this, I agree. It is absolutely amazing! I know that my job before was to keep us in the old, because that was the only way I knew how to keep us safe. But even me, I am getting used to this new way of living now, so I am practicing it fully. How to trust more, how to trust you Victoria more, how to let go of control more and how to allow all the feelings to just be without trying to get us out of it anymore, like I used to do."

We all agree. We are learning so much each day and thank god we have people like Lorie who are helping everyone to understand what is happening. 

"You are just emptying yourself totally from the old, what ever it is. Let it be emotions you haven't felt years ago or the memories of events that happened to you long time ago. You are healing your scars so to say. But not only this, you are also feeling the collective energy, so like I said at the beginning, this is a time to learn how to be very mercyfull towards oneself."

Yes, as I let go all this heaviness from my body, the more I also feel the collective energy. It is a lot to the body. And mind. 

"So can we agree, that we will try to be more forgiving towards ourselves and have more compassion too?", asks Victoria.

Me and Roger nod to agree. I have always been so alone in a way, in life that I really haven't had a change to show compassion towards myself. If I was not doing and holding, then who? But now I am willing to learn, for sure! If I expect compassion from others, I have to show it to myself first, right?

"The energy of the earth is chancing so quickly that it is hard for the body to adjust. So compassion is very much needed. We don't have to be productive or active all the time, because to be honest, energetically, we are! 24/7! Energetic work is going on all the time and sometimes just being and allowing yourself to relax and just be, is a must. There is nothing wrong in this", says Victoria.

Well, I am getting quite good also in "just being". I don't force myself that much anymore, because my only goal at this time, is to feel, what I have not felt, to release what I have not released and after, feel lighter. My goal is to get back home to me, into that time, before the world got to me with it's beliefs, fears and events. So I am willing to do what ever it takes!

"Good for you love!", shout Victoria and Roger. "You are so very brave, we love you so much!"

I love you too guys, I shout! And like Lorie said, could I be graterful for these intense days, because it means that after, I am more closer to my true self, closer to my inner fire and my true nature. Closer to my creativity too. I guess I have to be fully empty from the old, in order to create something new. 

And this to me, is very very exciting!

REMEMBRANCE CEREMONY

Today I want to share with you a fairytale about a little girl who had forgotten how amazing, powerful and beautiful she is. She had played the role she had been given since the day she was born. She has experienced pain and hurt. She has felt small and invisible. She has not been heard or seen. Her feelings hadn't matter. People had been jalous and mean. So she shrank herself in order to fit better into the world she was born into. Today, she is claiming her power back. Today, she is claiming her freedom. Today, she can remember. Let the story begin. 

There is this beautiful little girl who is laughing and running around a flower field. She is about five years old. She is feeling so happy, light and joyful. She is very connected with her spirit guides and they have this amazing energetic dance between each other. She is wearing this white dress with lace on the bottom. Her hair is blond and long and is flying with the wind. She keeps giggling and she feels like she is flying together with the butterflies. She is bare foot.

Right now, you can see her playing with the unicorns and she loves them so much! The unicorns are so loving and joyful beings and she can relate to this. With them, she feels very safe. 

Suddenly, one of them is asking her to claim to his back and without hesitation, she does. This happy crew start their journey towards the mountains ahead. 

As they approach the path that will take them more higher to the mountains, they start to hear the drumming. The whole crew feels excited, because the drumming is so very powerful. As they get closer, the more louder the drumming gets. The little girl is holding the hair of the unicorn, because the trail is so bumpy, but she is not affraid at all. She knows that she is safe, loved and so very much expected to this camp that they are heading towards. 

So higher they climb and suddenly, behind a corner, the Indian campsite opens up. The chief is sitting by the fire and the rest of the tribe are surrounding him. Some are drumming, some are dancing and they are all singing this ancient chant directed to the spirits.

The little girl with her spirit team enters to the fire area. One of the ladies lifts her into her arms and hugs her lovingly. She whispers to this little girl, that they are so very happy to see her and that they have been waiting for her to come. It is time.

Suddenly the drumming and the chanting stops and it gets very quiet. Everybody knows that this is a very special and powerful moment. 

The chief stands up. He looks so powerful and hansom with the feathers in his long, black hair. He walks to the lady and takes the little girl into his arms. The little girl feels so very safe, loved and accepted by this powerful man. She is so happy to be here and truly feels this loving presence of the chief. The chief carries her close to the fire and suddenly the drumming starts again.

Very subtle, very quietly, but oh so very powerfully, the drumming goes on. The chief sits down back to his spot and lifts the little girl next to him. He is still holding her hand, so that the little girl can feel safe and held. All the unicorns and her spirit guides gather by the fire. It is time to claim this little girls inner power back from the Universes. 

This little girl has been happy, but all along she has known, that something has been missing. Innerly. She didn't understand that the world, it's events and the people in her life, had diminished her joy, her powers and her light. Or more correctly, that she has ALLOWED them to do so. Now, everyone here, by this camp fire, are here to help her to loose the past and claim her own presence back. Even the animals from the forest are here. The bears, the birds, the deers, the whole animal kingdom, are approaching the camp. They are here to support this holy ceremony. They feel the love of this little girl and all the animals love her as much as she loves them.

An older Indian woman steps out of the circle and together with the chief, they place their hands on top of the little girl. The drumming and chanting gets louder. It gets very powerful. 

The fire is strong now. The little girl closes her eyes and she can feel the beating of the drums in her whole body. Even though the ceremony is very powerful, she is not afraid. She knows that everything is exactly as it should be. 

As the drumming and chanting continues, she starts to sway by the healing energy that is so very present. This energy penetrates her every cell, all her veins, all her tissue, all her bones, the brain, her mind, her memories of the past, her hurts and pain. As the ceremony continues, she can feel herself getting lighter and lighter. It is almost like she would be in this bath of light and the "light water" would rinse all the unnessesary out of her system. Out of the body and mind. 

Now everybody are rising their hands up in the air where they want to direct all the heaviness and darkness that has been keeping her small and invisible. Everybody is helping to release this darkness into the skies and to the Universes. All that is left, is unconditional love and pure innocence.

The ceremony is coming to an end. The chanting and drumming gets more quiet until it stops complitely. Everyone, even the animals, are quiet. This is such a sacret event and everyone can feel the presense of something bigger. A life source, the source where all the living are coming from. 

The little girl opens her eyes and she feels very humble in front of all this love. In front of the presense of so many powerful beings. She can hear the chief saying that now it is time to remember that she is important. That she matters. Her presense in this world matters. That she is wanted, she is needed. She has a purpose to be here and that she should never apologize for being part of this earth. She is the Universe. She is the creator. That she is, truly, unconditional love. Pure and powerful.

Nobody can not speak or move. Everybody, even the animals, are stunned by this powerful energy. Everybody just wants to feel it. 

Several minutes go by in this silence and in this energy. Then finally, the chief stands up and this is a sign to everyone that the ceremony is over. He takes the little girls into his arms and together they thank every being who were present in this sacret ceremony. 

One by one, everybody starts to get back to their tents and the chief takes the little girl to one of them. He lays her to the bed and to her suprise, she feels very tired. She knows now who she is and she knows that from now on, she can sleep and rest without any worries.

Today, she became love again.

WHEN THE OLD DIES, NEW IS BORN!

The beginning of the year has been hard. I am not going to lie. In 2008 when I went to my first therapy session, I never knew, that this journey would take me so deep. My idea was that I deal with my traumas and then I will live happily ever after without the old baggage on my shoulders. Well, how wrong was I!

Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are here with me tonight, so we can talk about this some more. 

I never knew how much baggage I was carrying, I say.

"Love", Victoria says. "How could you have know. Everybody is in their own unique journey in this lifetime and some have many lives, some are here on earth for the first time. Some carry more then some and not all are willing to look their inner world. This is perfectly okey, because it was meant to be like that then. But you, my love, you are one of the brave ones. This is not to say that others are not, but for us, for me and Roger, you are a hero". 

Roger takes my hand and kisses me on the cheek. "I have to agree", he says. "What I put you through, oh. It makes me want to cry sometimes. It is just that I always need to know, so I can prepare and if I don't, I panic!"

We know and we don't blame him at all. This is his job and to be honest, we are all learning this new way of being. "How do you feel, my love", asks Victoria.

Today I have been tired. Today I felt this huge mercy on myself. You know, ever since I was born, I don't think I was that much wanted. Not that my parents did not love me, it is just that they were dealing so many things themselves that I was just too much. Also the fact that I was born with a disability and spend my first weeks and months in the hospital, was a lot to my parents. So not only was there a new born, but she also almost died after delivery and then it was another thing to fix her disability. This was a lot and for sure, my mom started to distant herself from me, because there was a change of loosing me. 

So, I was born to this energy of "I am a burden. I am not wanted. I am to blame." I never knew how much this has affected me all my life. 

"Yes, this is true", says Victoria. "Love, now you can see that this was one of the reasons for your safety issues, your lack of self confedence, your self worthiness, your fear of abondonment and so on. This is a huge burden to carry."

Yes, it was. At the beginning of this week, I was sick. I was throwing up like crazy and even got fever. I was out for two days! But after that, my mind and body felt lighter. I felt like after all this heaviness of last months, had suddenly been lifted off of my shoulders!

 "All this old, heavy energy, had to be cleansed from your body", says Victoria. "There is so much energy that you have been carrying that is not yours. From past lifes, from you ancestors and so much from this life. Now you understand why it would have been impossible to clear everything in a short ammount of time. It would have killed you. Your body could have not taken it. And one important thing! As your being gets lighter, the earths energy gets lighter and this is big! This is creating the new earth!"

Aaaah, all this is sooo interesting to me!!! I never ever knew that I would learn so much in this life time! I am so excited!! How many times I have thought that now I am done with healing, but same topics keep coming up. More info from the past keeps coming up. More cleansing. More releasing. More digging in. Getting to know my dark side, learning how to love it as much as I love my light side. More and more of "letting go". And now, I am truly practising my new ways of being. I am amazed about the process.

"I feel like I don't have a say in any matter anymore", says Roger. Well, this is actually quite true, me and Victoria laugh. 

"The more you release the old beliefs, fears and the density from your body, the lighter things get. This means that you are changing in a cellular level. There energies on earth at this time, are pushing everything to the surface. Bit by bit the old ways are dying and the new is born", says Victoria.

I can relate to this fully! I can not plan. I can not worry. I can not control. I can not think too much. I am allowing. inviting, flowing. As I clear my inner being, my energy changes. 

"Yes love, just like this", says Victoria. "What ever you see in your life, is a straight forward mirrow of yourself. The people, the events, everything."

Yes, I agree. And now I am so clear with my boundaries. I know how I want to be treated and I also know how I want to treat others. I also start to understand that my vibration invites things into my life. I don't have to push, control or try. Suffer. 

"Yes, if I explain it easily, you basically tune your inner radio into the right frequency and what ever, who ever is in that same frequency, will come to you. Will be brought to you", says Victoria. 

Yes! I start to understand it. If I try the old ways of being, I feel it in my whole body and it is not a nice feeling. So I have to let the old die, so the new can truly be born. This takes a lot of courage and trust!

"Yes love", says Victoria. "You are very brave. Not only were you able to clear your inner world, day after day. Month after month. Year after year. But now, you have to learn these new ways of living and these are not yet acknowledged by this world. The role of a forerunner is not easy, but you are doing amazing! And things are turning around very fast, so that the energy of the earth, of the Universe, will support this new way of living more and more."

Well, it is all about love. All about oneness. All about humanity. Through out the history of human kind we have seen that the old way is not working. Love is the cure. Not fear. Things have to change in this world and this is what I am here for. I never knew that my role would be this big in this life time and I am honered to be one of the new earth beings. It has not been easy for sure, but if healing my inner world brings more peace and love to this earth, if my inner healing brings more unity to this world, then I am all for it. I will not give up, no matter what.

New earth is here and I am all in!

CREATIVE FLOW IS HERE!

I am not going to lie. Last months, even years have been tough! I never ever could have imagined that I have to go so deep within myself. How many layers of old shit I have inside of me. The wounds that I thought I already healed, keep coming back and I have to feel the pain all over again. It has been intense to say the least. 

My creativity has been totally lost. I haven't really had anything to say or write for a long time. But today the flow is here and so I call in my crew to talk about this.

"I am so happy to see you writing!", shouts Victoria. "I know this is your passion".

She is right, it is. I love writing. I have so much to share, so much experience of this healing journey, but I really haven't been able to share it lately. I also have noticed that it is very important to share your wisdom in channels that resonate with you.

"Not everybody is open to do the healing work", says Victoria. "And this is perfectly okey. Then it is not meant to be. At least not at this moment. We all have our own soul journeys and what ever is meant for you, might not be meant for someone else. This is something that has been hard for humans to understand."

I agree! I used to be the one who wanted to change people and get them into their healing process. This was my way of "saving the world". Now I know better. We can not force anyone into anything they are not ready for. My inner world savior has died. 

"This is perfect!", says Victoria. "By trying to convince others for something they are not ready for, only takes a lot of energy from you and makes you so very tired. We can only change ourselves if we are willing", she continues.

My creativity used to have a purpose. I eather needed to make money out of it or like I said, I had this thought behind my creation that it would somehow change others. Now I am in a new place. I create because I love it. It is fun and it is all for me. 

"I love this!", says Victoria. "The new way of creating is by flow. Nothing can not be forced. When the flow is there, you do it and when it is gone, you accept it and trust that it will come back when the time is right."

I totally agree. Victoria and my body, both, are so wise. They are not allowing me to create anything when I am going through "the dark night of a soul". That time is about me and my inner transformation. Not creating. All my energy goes into being, feeling and releasing. 

Something else that I also notice now is that I don't have any expectations anymore. I write because I love writing without any expectations about the outcome. There is no need for that. I don't need groups or to market, at least not for now. 

"Yes", says Victoria. "This is correct. Now it is all about energy. Who ever is meant to read you blog, will find her/his way. Things don't have to be forced or controlled anymore. This is something very new to humans. You used to have to have huge marketing campaings or thousands of followers and of cause, this is still very valid. But this is not the point. This new energy is just about creating and having fun while doing it. You do it, because it brings you joy and it is something you love to do. Where it ends up, it will be shown to you when the time is right. And sometimes you just create something just because. It just wants to come out and that's it!"

Absolutely! I agree 100 %! 

So today, I wanted to update this blog. I added texts, pages, pictures and trust me. When I woke up this morning, I didn't know, I was going to do this. I was having my breakfast and suddenly I just see myself pulling out my computer and things just started to happen!

"This is it!", says Victoria. "There is time to be and there is time to do. When you are truly in your flow, everything just happens naturaly. It just happens."

Yes yes and yes! Roger has been quet. This is how he is these days. He is watching us, listening to us and somehow being in peace with everything. He is more vocal when I am going through these lows. That is the time when he still tries to create stories, because he things it will help me to go through what I am going through. But even this job of his, is getting less and less. 

"Very soon I will be in pention!", he shouts. 

"Oh no", me and Victoria say to him. "We could never manage this life without you. It is just that your role is changing, so you now have more free time", we laugh with Victoria. 

Roger has to agree. He is my bodyguard still and always will be. He will still try to convince me that I should get back to the old ways, but at the same time he knows, that it is not possible anymore. Our crew has grown so much and the old.... Oh no, it is not where we want to go.

And so it is that I enjoy this creative flow today, because tommorrow it might be gone again. Who knows. But today, I feel lighter, not fully in pure joy yet. But maybe, just maybe, the energies in me have shifted and this lightness will keep on growing. I always knew that what I was aming for was not external, but internal. I truly belive that I can live in lightness every day, but this means that I have to be willing to sit with my dark side and allow it to melt. Not easy, but nessesary.

So we sit side by side, together, enjoying the writing, the sunshine, the lightness. At least, just for today, we have a break. A holiday from inner work and we can just enjoy for the present moment. Even when I am writing this, I feel light headed! The energy today is so high!

Thank god, I have learned to listen to myself without forcing anything anymore. I flow, allow and act when it is time. And I don't think about it, it just happens. I am very proud of myself and very thankfull that I am not affraid to share, to create, to be me and that I am more and more free from any limiting beliefs that used to stop me from creating. Today is a good day. So let the creativity to flow!

RELATIONSHIP THOUGHTS

Today I have to call my team in, so Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are here. Today I want to talk about relationships and how I am navigating them these days.

"What is in your mind, my love", asks Victoria.

Well. I feel so anry right now, I say. "Why, what has happenned?" Victoria asks.

I feel angry to myself, because yet again I have given so much without getting much in return. This is the story of my life and I am sick of it! I am tired of always being "the bad guy" of the story. I give, I give and I give. I forgive, I forgive and I forgive. I keep giving another changes hoping that the other person would finally deliver something in return, but it just doesn't happen! And I repeated this circle again! I should have know better. With this awareness that I have, I should have already know, that I can not change anyone! I should have already know that they can not give me more then they are able to give themselves! And I should have also known, that expectations lead to dissapointments. And yet, I fell in my old ways and into my old being. AGAIN! And I am so angry!

"Love, don't be so hard on youself! Remember what we talked about in our last post. We were talking about exploring and learning. This is what has happenned, you have learned a lot!" says Victoria. "You know, you have to remember that you are a very emphatic person. You feel so very deeply other peoples pain, their traumas and fears. You can really step into their shoes and you truly want to help. There's nothing wrong with that. Right now, you are finally learning your selfworth and clear boundaries."

This is true. It is just so... old to me! I had to take a distance from my own mother, because I knew that if I truly want to heal, I can not be around her. She really hasn't dealt with her own traumas and she was mirrowing her past from me too strongly. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, it is just that in order for me to become whole again, I needed to take a step away from her. And you can imagine how people blame me for it. I am the bad person here. 

"Leaving your mother and most of your family, was something that you did out of selflove. This was you protecting you. What people don't understand is that you didn't do it just like that. It was NOT a desision you made lightly. You thought about it, you sat with it, you took your time and finally understood that before people take responsibility of their own healing, it is impossible for you to get what you need out of any relationship", says Victoria. 

Today I had to make a difficult desision too. I had to let someone go and I know in my heart that I have done all I could, but I truly can not safe anyone. And I am okey with this decision even thought I am scared, alone and have no clue what is going to happen next. But I gave so much, once again and I did put my own needs in the background. And for this, I feel so angry! I thought that I love myself more! I was sure that I would never ever do this again! And again, I am the bad person here. Unappriciated, cold and mean. 

"You know love, that any of this is not true. You have shared your essence with a person who is not capable to take it. Your loving heart is just too much for someone who doesn't love themself. This has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the other person", says Victoria. "And you did learn a lot, didn't you?"

I did. I rather be alone than in a relationship where I am being used and where I don't get anything emotionally. In order to feel a deep intimite connection, all of the people involved need to be connected into their own inner world and feelings first. And I deserve so much more. It is just not easy, because this world is so broken. People are broken and they truly don't even realize it. And instead of digging in, they put their shit on you. 

"Love, now you know. Now you learned. And even if you would have to do it one more time, it is okey. Then it is like that. This is a perfect learning process for you to understand that you are doing the best you can in each moment and this is enough. You can not change NOTHING you don't see. How people see you or how they treat you, tells everything about them, but nothing about you. You deserve to be loved, taken care of and it is about time, you start to open your heart for receiving. Maybe now you finally understand, that you are so very worth it", says Victoria.

She comes and gives me a big hug. I have tears in my eyes. This journey is sometimes so lonely. I MISS PEOPLE! As an emphatic person, it is hard for me to understand, that people in my life, can not show me the same kind of symphaty or support, as I am able to show them. 

"But you do have people in your life who do that for you. They love you as you are without asking anything in return. And they are there for you. They accept you just the way you are. And love, isn't it wonderful that as you let go of something that is not good for you, you make space for something that is more then perfect to you. What others think doesn't really matter. All that matters is how you feel and that you know, you did your best!" says Victoria. 

This is true. With this writing I am now sending a message to the Universe that I got it! I finally got it! No more this shit! I deserve support in all ways! I deserve people who don't blame me or call me names, just because they are too affraid to look in to the mirrow. If this means, that I have to be even more selective about the people in my life, then so be it. If I have to set even more clearer boundaries, then so be it. If I have to be by myself even more, then so be it.

"Unconditional love is something this world of yours just don't know yet and even if some do, it is very scary still for many", says Victoria. "Many have done their inner work and are stepping in their power with unconditional love. But there is a divine timing in everything, so it is with this. Your will meet the people you deserve when it is time. Being a forerunner is not easy, but you are strong enough to go through this."

Deep inside of me, I know, she is right. No matter what the Universe has put in front of me, I have gone through it. Tomorrow is 10.10. Endings and beginnings. Let this be the end of me being too giving and let this be the beginning of me deserving. Specially in my relationships with men. I don't have to settle for less anymore just because I am affraid that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. Then so be it. I will be okey. 

And Victoria is right. I did learn a lot. I fell in love with "potential", instead of "what really was". 

"Honey, you will pull in a person who is a match to your energy. You will. Just allow yourself to heal now from this experience and give yourself time. It was supposed to go this way, because you are being prepead for something great! More better than you can ever imagine! So forgive yourself and the others and trust that everything will unfold perfectly", says Victoria. 

I will. The process is on! I know I did the right thing and I also know that I did do my best. Now it is finally time to put myself first and get little bit selfish. In a loving way. 

"We will be more than okey, we promise!", says Victoria and Roger. They take me into their arms and here we stay, in this safe place for a while. All is going to be well.

NEW BEGINNINGS - EXPLORING LIFE!

We, as humans, go through many new beginnings during our lifetime. I haven't really though about life this way before, but as I look at my old posts here and in my other blog (Perfect enough!), I realize that I have been writing about "new beginnings" several times. How many posts end to a phrase "I am in front of something new"!

Now, for sure, everytime you leave your job or you end up a relationship, you surely are in front of something new and unknown. But this "new beginning" that I am refering here, is more about internal shifts. Let me bring in Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego), so we can have a more deeper talk.

"Love, you can explain in your own words how do you see these inner shifts that you call new beginnings", says Victoria. "I am sure, that you are the expert, since it is about your inner world". 

Okay, I say. Let me try. 

As I have gone through this inner healing process and I am able to shed my old fears and beliefs, my inner being and energy has shifted big time. Sheding an old belief doesn't happen in one day, but it is a process and it takes what it takes. The first thing that happens is, that I SEE (I become aware) of it. Let me give you an example. 

I might start to feel uncomfortable all of a sudden. First I acknowledge the feeling. Then I sit with it and let it "talk to me". Where is this coming from? Why am I feeling what I am feeling? Like, now for a couple of days, I have had this feeling of "being so very old and tired". It makes me feel heavy and lifeless. So I allowed it to be and suddenly yesterday, I got the answer of what is going on. My mom and my grandmom were always complaining about their health and inventing diseases that were not existing! This was, of cause, so they would get the attention that they needed from outside of them. But this inventing bodily problems where there were none, made the energy feel "old and tired". And I am still carring this energy! 

Well, now my healing process is on, since I can see where this inner feeling and heaviness is coming from. Phase two, for me, is to let it take what it takes. The most important thing for me, is that I know it is going out from my system. If I feel like I have to do something about it, I will. If I need to talk to someone, I will. These days, this process goes quite naturally and I really don't have to do that much. I just allow this knowingness to be there and then one day....BUM! It is gone and I am more free and light! And here is where we get to the "new beginning" part!

"This is so interesting!", Victoria says with enthusiasm. "I love this! Then what? Tell us, tell us!" I smile to her and continue my story. 

So, everytime a belief or a fear is cleanced out of my system, something heavy and dark is removed. This old energy is replaced with new, fresh and ligher energy. This energy doesn't allow me to live in an old way. Now, I am not saying that clearing one belief or fear will feel like a "new beginning", but of cause it might. How the process has gone with me is, that after clearing loads of old beliefs and fears, I am in a new state of being. I am in front of, what feels like, a new beginning. When my inner world changes, my energy changes. This means that I don't "pull in" the same experiences anymore, but the ones that are a match to my new energy. So my external experiences change hugely! And this is always, to me, like a new beginning!

"This is so beautiful lovie!", says Victoria. "You are becoming to a inner place where you are starting to understand, that life is not to survive, but to explore. Like Christopher Columbus!", she laughs.

YES! I love this! 

"You were send here to earth in this lifetime to break free from the old ways of being a human. Instead of surviving and working in order to get bigger cars or houses, you now start to understand, that we're born to explore and experience. To learn! Some experiences cost more than others, but that is okey. And when you start to understand this, you don't cry over the money "you lost", because you didn't actually "loose anything", but learned a lot! Money well spend for exploring, isn't it?", she smiles.

I love this perspective! I am truly a adventurer who came here to have fun and explore everything that life has to offer. In my survival mode I was not able to understand this, because my inner world was so full of other peoples belief and teatchings on how life should be lived! But I am ready yet another new beginning! This one will be in a life flow. Exploring, experiencing, trusting, not knowing, listening my inner guidance and my intuition, adventuring and thriving! No more surviving mode! No thanks!

To Rogers, these adjustments and these new ways of being, have been taking a little bit time. He hasn't really let go easily on the ways he knows. "I am sorry, again!", he says. "I just want to keep you safe and it terryfies me that I don't know these new ways of being that you are talking about. For me it is not easy, if I don't know. How can I protect you then?"

"But at the end, you always do know", says Victoria. "We are a team and we are in this together. We all learn as we go. And we have to give big thanks to Saija that she has been so patient with us. Our battles are not easy on her or her body, but she has been so brave."

"This is true", says Roger. "She has been very brave and patient too. I just love her so much and I am willing to do what ever it takes to keep her safe. But Victoria, you are right. We are in this together and we will know what to do, when it is time to do it. So I feel more calm and at ease now."

Thank god for me, I laugh! This inner battle between my heart and my ego, is not an easy inner process for sure. And as I say this, Victoria and Roger come to me and we gather for a group hug. Biiiiiig squeeze!

"Welcome our new beginnings, as many as it is meant to be! We will go through anything together and we are stopable! Let the true exploring and thriving begin!" 

TRUE FREEDOM!

Today is all about freedom. I mean true freedom. This freedom contains all of my being: selflove, selfrespect, worthiness, inner power, intuition, heart guidance, my looks, my personality, everything! I thought that all these things were somehow seperate, but they are all covered in true freedom. How amazing! 

For the longest time, I haven't been able to write. I have needed my solitude, my privacy, because no one else can find my freedom for me. 

Today, I got a glimpse of what true freedom is about. How it feels. And wow, I am astonished!! I have never felt like this!!! And I know, that I am not fully there yet, but I am getting so close. I can feel it, I can smell it, I can almost touch it. This is such a big thing for me, that I need to talk more about this. So I gather my crew for a chat. Roger (my ego), Victoria (my higher self) and me. 

"I am so happy for you my love", says Victoria. "You so deserve this. You have been so brave and even if you wanted to give up million times, you didn't! You just kept on going! How amazing!"

Roger is quiet. For years, there has been this push and pull between him and Victoria and non of this has been easy for eather one of them. While Victoria has been calm and understanding, Roger has been having huge fits. He has been talking and talking, trying to convince me to give up and stay where I am. This all is so new to him. He knows the present moment and the old ways of being. These things he knows very well and this is why he has been defending them so much. His only job is to keep me safe and if I am not following the old ways, then how can he?! This new energy is so unknown to him. And well, to be honest, to me too. Only Victoria can fully see the bigger picture, so she is the only one who knows what she is doing. Somehow this gives me some peace and patience, when dealing with Roger's fits. 

So for the past two days, Roger has really been fighting. He (my mind/ego) has been telling all kinds of stories why I am not happy or at peace. He really puts his best effort into this. But now, at this very moment, he is quiet. I know he will try again. He doesn't give up easily, but I allow him to do this. And we all love him no matter what! He is very much needed. Now it's just all about learning new ways of being. For all of us. 

But it is time that Victoria and me, we take fully "control". This means going with the flow and trusting, not planning.

But now, I want to talk about true freedom. Why was I so scared of it?!? Because I was!!

"Love, you can never be free until you take full responsibility of your own being", says Victoria. "You humans are not used to this, because ever since the human history, there has been outside authorities who tell you how to be and how to live and if you question anything, you are not a good person. As long as you allow ANYTHING outside of you, be it the goverment, a guru, a book, god, media, family, husband, friend, anything, to tell you how to be and live, what to believe and to follow, what to fear, you are not truly free. This all is based on old energy. Fear energy. Now, true freedom is available to everyone who are willing to do the job. It has never been supported energetigally more than now."

Responsibility. I agree. This is why I have been scared. When I take full responsibility of myself, I can not relay on anyone else than me. I can not put my life choises on anybody elses shoulders. I can not blame anyone for how I feel.

"When you take full responsibility, you don't listen anything and I mean anything outside of yourself. You don't get reaction from others comments and you don't need to ask for them. To simplyfy, nothing outside of you affects you anymore. You can be free when you don't react, but you reflect. You don't give explanations, but you just say how you feel. You don't blame the circumstanses or a persons actions (or words) on how you feel. It is all on you. You will not believe anything that is told to you, but you sit with it and you do your own research about the topic. Then you listen to your own heart and live accordingly. You can be totally free only when your being doesn't depend on your work, your creation, your friends, your family, your husband, material things, money, accomplishments, your looks. Basically anything then your being. And you don't put any life choise you make to Universes, Gods or Angels sholders. ALL YOUR BEING HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU and you alone."

Wow, this is sooo very powerful!!! All this time, I had this feeling that I am close to something. Roger wanted to give me an idea, that it was a new creation or new location with new people. Oh my, he is so very clever! And oh my god how long I believed him! I sat day after day waithing for an insight, a new idea or some kind of glue "which way to go". And all along, it was, AGAIN, an inner thing!

Now I see that true freedom allows me to be me. Without nothing external. I used to think that I would be free if I get the money or I create a business that I like and brings me financial "freedom".

"True freedom is a STATE OF MIND. It is forever present no matter what is going on externally. But in order to reach this, you need to stand fully on your own two feet", says Victoria. "And love, you are almost there."

I have to sit and let this sink in. I have felt this. I have felt something big coming towards me, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I never, in million years, could have imagine, that it is this. This was my "goal" all along. To do my inner work. Shine my light to all my dark corners, so that I could be free. Truly free. Wow!

"And remember love, you can never help anothoer human to find their freedom. This is a road that everyone, who are willing, has to find them selves. They have to have a inner, burning desire to accomplish it, otherwise they will stay where they are, because it is the easier and familiar option. But this is their choise and we have to respect all choises", says Victoria. "When you understand this, it becomes part of your freedom, doesn't it?"

Oh yes baby! I don't want to carry anyone on my shoulders. It wouldn't work anyway. I see it now. 

I got a glimpse of how true freedom feels. It was a feeling that is hard to explain. But it was so powerful, it brought tears in my eyes. I am not fully there yet, but I am determined to get there. 

How to stand in the fire (outside circumstanses) without running away from it (reacting, listening to others), as I am used to, but instead standing in that fire with peace and confidense?  Well, this is my practise at the moment. Because when I learn this, I am truly free!