RELATIONSHIP THOUGHTS

Today I have to call my team in, so Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are here. Today I want to talk about relationships and how I am navigating them these days.

"What is in your mind, my love", asks Victoria.

Well. I feel so anry right now, I say. "Why, what has happenned?" Victoria asks.

I feel angry to myself, because yet again I have given so much without getting much in return. This is the story of my life and I am sick of it! I am tired of always being "the bad guy" of the story. I give, I give and I give. I forgive, I forgive and I forgive. I keep giving another changes hoping that the other person would finally deliver something in return, but it just doesn't happen! And I repeated this circle again! I should have know better. With this awareness that I have, I should have already know, that I can not change anyone! I should have already know that they can not give me more then they are able to give themselves! And I should have also known, that expectations lead to dissapointments. And yet, I fell in my old ways and into my old being. AGAIN! And I am so angry!

"Love, don't be so hard on youself! Remember what we talked about in our last post. We were talking about exploring and learning. This is what has happenned, you have learned a lot!" says Victoria. "You know, you have to remember that you are a very emphatic person. You feel so very deeply other peoples pain, their traumas and fears. You can really step into their shoes and you truly want to help. There's nothing wrong with that. Right now, you are finally learning your selfworth and clear boundaries."

This is true. It is just so... old to me! I had to take a distance from my own mother, because I knew that if I truly want to heal, I can not be around her. She really hasn't dealt with her own traumas and she was mirrowing her past from me too strongly. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, it is just that in order for me to become whole again, I needed to take a step away from her. And you can imagine how people blame me for it. I am the bad person here. 

"Leaving your mother and most of your family, was something that you did out of selflove. This was you protecting you. What people don't understand is that you didn't do it just like that. It was NOT a desision you made lightly. You thought about it, you sat with it, you took your time and finally understood that before people take responsibility of their own healing, it is impossible for you to get what you need out of any relationship", says Victoria. 

Today I had to make a difficult desision too. I had to let someone go and I know in my heart that I have done all I could, but I truly can not safe anyone. And I am okey with this decision even thought I am scared, alone and have no clue what is going to happen next. But I gave so much, once again and I did put my own needs in the background. And for this, I feel so angry! I thought that I love myself more! I was sure that I would never ever do this again! And again, I am the bad person here. Unappriciated, cold and mean. 

"You know love, that any of this is not true. You have shared your essence with a person who is not capable to take it. Your loving heart is just too much for someone who doesn't love themself. This has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the other person", says Victoria. "And you did learn a lot, didn't you?"

I did. I rather be alone than in a relationship where I am being used and where I don't get anything emotionally. In order to feel a deep intimite connection, all of the people involved need to be connected into their own inner world and feelings first. And I deserve so much more. It is just not easy, because this world is so broken. People are broken and they truly don't even realize it. And instead of digging in, they put their shit on you. 

"Love, now you know. Now you learned. And even if you would have to do it one more time, it is okey. Then it is like that. This is a perfect learning process for you to understand that you are doing the best you can in each moment and this is enough. You can not change NOTHING you don't see. How people see you or how they treat you, tells everything about them, but nothing about you. You deserve to be loved, taken care of and it is about time, you start to open your heart for receiving. Maybe now you finally understand, that you are so very worth it", says Victoria.

She comes and gives me a big hug. I have tears in my eyes. This journey is sometimes so lonely. I MISS PEOPLE! As an emphatic person, it is hard for me to understand, that people in my life, can not show me the same kind of symphaty or support, as I am able to show them. 

"But you do have people in your life who do that for you. They love you as you are without asking anything in return. And they are there for you. They accept you just the way you are. And love, isn't it wonderful that as you let go of something that is not good for you, you make space for something that is more then perfect to you. What others think doesn't really matter. All that matters is how you feel and that you know, you did your best!" says Victoria. 

This is true. With this writing I am now sending a message to the Universe that I got it! I finally got it! No more this shit! I deserve support in all ways! I deserve people who don't blame me or call me names, just because they are too affraid to look in to the mirrow. If this means, that I have to be even more selective about the people in my life, then so be it. If I have to set even more clearer boundaries, then so be it. If I have to be by myself even more, then so be it.

"Unconditional love is something this world of yours just don't know yet and even if some do, it is very scary still for many", says Victoria. "Many have done their inner work and are stepping in their power with unconditional love. But there is a divine timing in everything, so it is with this. Your will meet the people you deserve when it is time. Being a forerunner is not easy, but you are strong enough to go through this."

Deep inside of me, I know, she is right. No matter what the Universe has put in front of me, I have gone through it. Tomorrow is 10.10. Endings and beginnings. Let this be the end of me being too giving and let this be the beginning of me deserving. Specially in my relationships with men. I don't have to settle for less anymore just because I am affraid that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. Then so be it. I will be okey. 

And Victoria is right. I did learn a lot. I fell in love with "potential", instead of "what really was". 

"Honey, you will pull in a person who is a match to your energy. You will. Just allow yourself to heal now from this experience and give yourself time. It was supposed to go this way, because you are being prepead for something great! More better than you can ever imagine! So forgive yourself and the others and trust that everything will unfold perfectly", says Victoria. 

I will. The process is on! I know I did the right thing and I also know that I did do my best. Now it is finally time to put myself first and get little bit selfish. In a loving way. 

"We will be more than okey, we promise!", says Victoria and Roger. They take me into their arms and here we stay, in this safe place for a while. All is going to be well.