REMEMBRANCE CEREMONY

Today I want to share with you a fairytale about a little girl who had forgotten how amazing, powerful and beautiful she is. She had played the role she had been given since the day she was born. She has experienced pain and hurt. She has felt small and invisible. She has not been heard or seen. Her feelings hadn't matter. People had been jalous and mean. So she shrank herself in order to fit better into the world she was born into. Today, she is claiming her power back. Today, she is claiming her freedom. Today, she can remember. Let the story begin. 

There is this beautiful little girl who is laughing and running around a flower field. She is about five years old. She is feeling so happy, light and joyful. She is very connected with her spirit guides and they have this amazing energetic dance between each other. She is wearing this white dress with lace on the bottom. Her hair is blond and long and is flying with the wind. She keeps giggling and she feels like she is flying together with the butterflies. She is bare foot.

Right now, you can see her playing with the unicorns and she loves them so much! The unicorns are so loving and joyful beings and she can relate to this. With them, she feels very safe. 

Suddenly, one of them is asking her to claim to his back and without hesitation, she does. This happy crew start their journey towards the mountains ahead. 

As they approach the path that will take them more higher to the mountains, they start to hear the drumming. The whole crew feels excited, because the drumming is so very powerful. As they get closer, the more louder the drumming gets. The little girl is holding the hair of the unicorn, because the trail is so bumpy, but she is not affraid at all. She knows that she is safe, loved and so very much expected to this camp that they are heading towards. 

So higher they climb and suddenly, behind a corner, the Indian campsite opens up. The chief is sitting by the fire and the rest of the tribe are surrounding him. Some are drumming, some are dancing and they are all singing this ancient chant directed to the spirits.

The little girl with her spirit team enters to the fire area. One of the ladies lifts her into her arms and hugs her lovingly. She whispers to this little girl, that they are so very happy to see her and that they have been waiting for her to come. It is time.

Suddenly the drumming and the chanting stops and it gets very quiet. Everybody knows that this is a very special and powerful moment. 

The chief stands up. He looks so powerful and hansom with the feathers in his long, black hair. He walks to the lady and takes the little girl into his arms. The little girl feels so very safe, loved and accepted by this powerful man. She is so happy to be here and truly feels this loving presence of the chief. The chief carries her close to the fire and suddenly the drumming starts again.

Very subtle, very quietly, but oh so very powerfully, the drumming goes on. The chief sits down back to his spot and lifts the little girl next to him. He is still holding her hand, so that the little girl can feel safe and held. All the unicorns and her spirit guides gather by the fire. It is time to claim this little girls inner power back from the Universes. 

This little girl has been happy, but all along she has known, that something has been missing. Innerly. She didn't understand that the world, it's events and the people in her life, had diminished her joy, her powers and her light. Or more correctly, that she has ALLOWED them to do so. Now, everyone here, by this camp fire, are here to help her to loose the past and claim her own presence back. Even the animals from the forest are here. The bears, the birds, the deers, the whole animal kingdom, are approaching the camp. They are here to support this holy ceremony. They feel the love of this little girl and all the animals love her as much as she loves them.

An older Indian woman steps out of the circle and together with the chief, they place their hands on top of the little girl. The drumming and chanting gets louder. It gets very powerful. 

The fire is strong now. The little girl closes her eyes and she can feel the beating of the drums in her whole body. Even though the ceremony is very powerful, she is not afraid. She knows that everything is exactly as it should be. 

As the drumming and chanting continues, she starts to sway by the healing energy that is so very present. This energy penetrates her every cell, all her veins, all her tissue, all her bones, the brain, her mind, her memories of the past, her hurts and pain. As the ceremony continues, she can feel herself getting lighter and lighter. It is almost like she would be in this bath of light and the "light water" would rinse all the unnessesary out of her system. Out of the body and mind. 

Now everybody are rising their hands up in the air where they want to direct all the heaviness and darkness that has been keeping her small and invisible. Everybody is helping to release this darkness into the skies and to the Universes. All that is left, is unconditional love and pure innocence.

The ceremony is coming to an end. The chanting and drumming gets more quiet until it stops complitely. Everyone, even the animals, are quiet. This is such a sacret event and everyone can feel the presense of something bigger. A life source, the source where all the living are coming from. 

The little girl opens her eyes and she feels very humble in front of all this love. In front of the presense of so many powerful beings. She can hear the chief saying that now it is time to remember that she is important. That she matters. Her presense in this world matters. That she is wanted, she is needed. She has a purpose to be here and that she should never apologize for being part of this earth. She is the Universe. She is the creator. That she is, truly, unconditional love. Pure and powerful.

Nobody can not speak or move. Everybody, even the animals, are stunned by this powerful energy. Everybody just wants to feel it. 

Several minutes go by in this silence and in this energy. Then finally, the chief stands up and this is a sign to everyone that the ceremony is over. He takes the little girls into his arms and together they thank every being who were present in this sacret ceremony. 

One by one, everybody starts to get back to their tents and the chief takes the little girl to one of them. He lays her to the bed and to her suprise, she feels very tired. She knows now who she is and she knows that from now on, she can sleep and rest without any worries.

Today, she became love again.

WHEN THE OLD DIES, NEW IS BORN!

The beginning of the year has been hard. I am not going to lie. In 2008 when I went to my first therapy session, I never knew, that this journey would take me so deep. My idea was that I deal with my traumas and then I will live happily ever after without the old baggage on my shoulders. Well, how wrong was I!

Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are here with me tonight, so we can talk about this some more. 

I never knew how much baggage I was carrying, I say.

"Love", Victoria says. "How could you have know. Everybody is in their own unique journey in this lifetime and some have many lives, some are here on earth for the first time. Some carry more then some and not all are willing to look their inner world. This is perfectly okey, because it was meant to be like that then. But you, my love, you are one of the brave ones. This is not to say that others are not, but for us, for me and Roger, you are a hero". 

Roger takes my hand and kisses me on the cheek. "I have to agree", he says. "What I put you through, oh. It makes me want to cry sometimes. It is just that I always need to know, so I can prepare and if I don't, I panic!"

We know and we don't blame him at all. This is his job and to be honest, we are all learning this new way of being. "How do you feel, my love", asks Victoria.

Today I have been tired. Today I felt this huge mercy on myself. You know, ever since I was born, I don't think I was that much wanted. Not that my parents did not love me, it is just that they were dealing so many things themselves that I was just too much. Also the fact that I was born with a disability and spend my first weeks and months in the hospital, was a lot to my parents. So not only was there a new born, but she also almost died after delivery and then it was another thing to fix her disability. This was a lot and for sure, my mom started to distant herself from me, because there was a change of loosing me. 

So, I was born to this energy of "I am a burden. I am not wanted. I am to blame." I never knew how much this has affected me all my life. 

"Yes, this is true", says Victoria. "Love, now you can see that this was one of the reasons for your safety issues, your lack of self confedence, your self worthiness, your fear of abondonment and so on. This is a huge burden to carry."

Yes, it was. At the beginning of this week, I was sick. I was throwing up like crazy and even got fever. I was out for two days! But after that, my mind and body felt lighter. I felt like after all this heaviness of last months, had suddenly been lifted off of my shoulders!

 "All this old, heavy energy, had to be cleansed from your body", says Victoria. "There is so much energy that you have been carrying that is not yours. From past lifes, from you ancestors and so much from this life. Now you understand why it would have been impossible to clear everything in a short ammount of time. It would have killed you. Your body could have not taken it. And one important thing! As your being gets lighter, the earths energy gets lighter and this is big! This is creating the new earth!"

Aaaah, all this is sooo interesting to me!!! I never ever knew that I would learn so much in this life time! I am so excited!! How many times I have thought that now I am done with healing, but same topics keep coming up. More info from the past keeps coming up. More cleansing. More releasing. More digging in. Getting to know my dark side, learning how to love it as much as I love my light side. More and more of "letting go". And now, I am truly practising my new ways of being. I am amazed about the process.

"I feel like I don't have a say in any matter anymore", says Roger. Well, this is actually quite true, me and Victoria laugh. 

"The more you release the old beliefs, fears and the density from your body, the lighter things get. This means that you are changing in a cellular level. There energies on earth at this time, are pushing everything to the surface. Bit by bit the old ways are dying and the new is born", says Victoria.

I can relate to this fully! I can not plan. I can not worry. I can not control. I can not think too much. I am allowing. inviting, flowing. As I clear my inner being, my energy changes. 

"Yes love, just like this", says Victoria. "What ever you see in your life, is a straight forward mirrow of yourself. The people, the events, everything."

Yes, I agree. And now I am so clear with my boundaries. I know how I want to be treated and I also know how I want to treat others. I also start to understand that my vibration invites things into my life. I don't have to push, control or try. Suffer. 

"Yes, if I explain it easily, you basically tune your inner radio into the right frequency and what ever, who ever is in that same frequency, will come to you. Will be brought to you", says Victoria. 

Yes! I start to understand it. If I try the old ways of being, I feel it in my whole body and it is not a nice feeling. So I have to let the old die, so the new can truly be born. This takes a lot of courage and trust!

"Yes love", says Victoria. "You are very brave. Not only were you able to clear your inner world, day after day. Month after month. Year after year. But now, you have to learn these new ways of living and these are not yet acknowledged by this world. The role of a forerunner is not easy, but you are doing amazing! And things are turning around very fast, so that the energy of the earth, of the Universe, will support this new way of living more and more."

Well, it is all about love. All about oneness. All about humanity. Through out the history of human kind we have seen that the old way is not working. Love is the cure. Not fear. Things have to change in this world and this is what I am here for. I never knew that my role would be this big in this life time and I am honered to be one of the new earth beings. It has not been easy for sure, but if healing my inner world brings more peace and love to this earth, if my inner healing brings more unity to this world, then I am all for it. I will not give up, no matter what.

New earth is here and I am all in!

CREATIVE FLOW IS HERE!

I am not going to lie. Last months, even years have been tough! I never ever could have imagined that I have to go so deep within myself. How many layers of old shit I have inside of me. The wounds that I thought I already healed, keep coming back and I have to feel the pain all over again. It has been intense to say the least. 

My creativity has been totally lost. I haven't really had anything to say or write for a long time. But today the flow is here and so I call in my crew to talk about this.

"I am so happy to see you writing!", shouts Victoria. "I know this is your passion".

She is right, it is. I love writing. I have so much to share, so much experience of this healing journey, but I really haven't been able to share it lately. I also have noticed that it is very important to share your wisdom in channels that resonate with you.

"Not everybody is open to do the healing work", says Victoria. "And this is perfectly okey. Then it is not meant to be. At least not at this moment. We all have our own soul journeys and what ever is meant for you, might not be meant for someone else. This is something that has been hard for humans to understand."

I agree! I used to be the one who wanted to change people and get them into their healing process. This was my way of "saving the world". Now I know better. We can not force anyone into anything they are not ready for. My inner world savior has died. 

"This is perfect!", says Victoria. "By trying to convince others for something they are not ready for, only takes a lot of energy from you and makes you so very tired. We can only change ourselves if we are willing", she continues.

My creativity used to have a purpose. I eather needed to make money out of it or like I said, I had this thought behind my creation that it would somehow change others. Now I am in a new place. I create because I love it. It is fun and it is all for me. 

"I love this!", says Victoria. "The new way of creating is by flow. Nothing can not be forced. When the flow is there, you do it and when it is gone, you accept it and trust that it will come back when the time is right."

I totally agree. Victoria and my body, both, are so wise. They are not allowing me to create anything when I am going through "the dark night of a soul". That time is about me and my inner transformation. Not creating. All my energy goes into being, feeling and releasing. 

Something else that I also notice now is that I don't have any expectations anymore. I write because I love writing without any expectations about the outcome. There is no need for that. I don't need groups or to market, at least not for now. 

"Yes", says Victoria. "This is correct. Now it is all about energy. Who ever is meant to read you blog, will find her/his way. Things don't have to be forced or controlled anymore. This is something very new to humans. You used to have to have huge marketing campaings or thousands of followers and of cause, this is still very valid. But this is not the point. This new energy is just about creating and having fun while doing it. You do it, because it brings you joy and it is something you love to do. Where it ends up, it will be shown to you when the time is right. And sometimes you just create something just because. It just wants to come out and that's it!"

Absolutely! I agree 100 %! 

So today, I wanted to update this blog. I added texts, pages, pictures and trust me. When I woke up this morning, I didn't know, I was going to do this. I was having my breakfast and suddenly I just see myself pulling out my computer and things just started to happen!

"This is it!", says Victoria. "There is time to be and there is time to do. When you are truly in your flow, everything just happens naturaly. It just happens."

Yes yes and yes! Roger has been quet. This is how he is these days. He is watching us, listening to us and somehow being in peace with everything. He is more vocal when I am going through these lows. That is the time when he still tries to create stories, because he things it will help me to go through what I am going through. But even this job of his, is getting less and less. 

"Very soon I will be in pention!", he shouts. 

"Oh no", me and Victoria say to him. "We could never manage this life without you. It is just that your role is changing, so you now have more free time", we laugh with Victoria. 

Roger has to agree. He is my bodyguard still and always will be. He will still try to convince me that I should get back to the old ways, but at the same time he knows, that it is not possible anymore. Our crew has grown so much and the old.... Oh no, it is not where we want to go.

And so it is that I enjoy this creative flow today, because tommorrow it might be gone again. Who knows. But today, I feel lighter, not fully in pure joy yet. But maybe, just maybe, the energies in me have shifted and this lightness will keep on growing. I always knew that what I was aming for was not external, but internal. I truly belive that I can live in lightness every day, but this means that I have to be willing to sit with my dark side and allow it to melt. Not easy, but nessesary.

So we sit side by side, together, enjoying the writing, the sunshine, the lightness. At least, just for today, we have a break. A holiday from inner work and we can just enjoy for the present moment. Even when I am writing this, I feel light headed! The energy today is so high!

Thank god, I have learned to listen to myself without forcing anything anymore. I flow, allow and act when it is time. And I don't think about it, it just happens. I am very proud of myself and very thankfull that I am not affraid to share, to create, to be me and that I am more and more free from any limiting beliefs that used to stop me from creating. Today is a good day. So let the creativity to flow!

RELATIONSHIP THOUGHTS

Today I have to call my team in, so Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are here. Today I want to talk about relationships and how I am navigating them these days.

"What is in your mind, my love", asks Victoria.

Well. I feel so anry right now, I say. "Why, what has happenned?" Victoria asks.

I feel angry to myself, because yet again I have given so much without getting much in return. This is the story of my life and I am sick of it! I am tired of always being "the bad guy" of the story. I give, I give and I give. I forgive, I forgive and I forgive. I keep giving another changes hoping that the other person would finally deliver something in return, but it just doesn't happen! And I repeated this circle again! I should have know better. With this awareness that I have, I should have already know, that I can not change anyone! I should have already know that they can not give me more then they are able to give themselves! And I should have also known, that expectations lead to dissapointments. And yet, I fell in my old ways and into my old being. AGAIN! And I am so angry!

"Love, don't be so hard on youself! Remember what we talked about in our last post. We were talking about exploring and learning. This is what has happenned, you have learned a lot!" says Victoria. "You know, you have to remember that you are a very emphatic person. You feel so very deeply other peoples pain, their traumas and fears. You can really step into their shoes and you truly want to help. There's nothing wrong with that. Right now, you are finally learning your selfworth and clear boundaries."

This is true. It is just so... old to me! I had to take a distance from my own mother, because I knew that if I truly want to heal, I can not be around her. She really hasn't dealt with her own traumas and she was mirrowing her past from me too strongly. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, it is just that in order for me to become whole again, I needed to take a step away from her. And you can imagine how people blame me for it. I am the bad person here. 

"Leaving your mother and most of your family, was something that you did out of selflove. This was you protecting you. What people don't understand is that you didn't do it just like that. It was NOT a desision you made lightly. You thought about it, you sat with it, you took your time and finally understood that before people take responsibility of their own healing, it is impossible for you to get what you need out of any relationship", says Victoria. 

Today I had to make a difficult desision too. I had to let someone go and I know in my heart that I have done all I could, but I truly can not safe anyone. And I am okey with this decision even thought I am scared, alone and have no clue what is going to happen next. But I gave so much, once again and I did put my own needs in the background. And for this, I feel so angry! I thought that I love myself more! I was sure that I would never ever do this again! And again, I am the bad person here. Unappriciated, cold and mean. 

"You know love, that any of this is not true. You have shared your essence with a person who is not capable to take it. Your loving heart is just too much for someone who doesn't love themself. This has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the other person", says Victoria. "And you did learn a lot, didn't you?"

I did. I rather be alone than in a relationship where I am being used and where I don't get anything emotionally. In order to feel a deep intimite connection, all of the people involved need to be connected into their own inner world and feelings first. And I deserve so much more. It is just not easy, because this world is so broken. People are broken and they truly don't even realize it. And instead of digging in, they put their shit on you. 

"Love, now you know. Now you learned. And even if you would have to do it one more time, it is okey. Then it is like that. This is a perfect learning process for you to understand that you are doing the best you can in each moment and this is enough. You can not change NOTHING you don't see. How people see you or how they treat you, tells everything about them, but nothing about you. You deserve to be loved, taken care of and it is about time, you start to open your heart for receiving. Maybe now you finally understand, that you are so very worth it", says Victoria.

She comes and gives me a big hug. I have tears in my eyes. This journey is sometimes so lonely. I MISS PEOPLE! As an emphatic person, it is hard for me to understand, that people in my life, can not show me the same kind of symphaty or support, as I am able to show them. 

"But you do have people in your life who do that for you. They love you as you are without asking anything in return. And they are there for you. They accept you just the way you are. And love, isn't it wonderful that as you let go of something that is not good for you, you make space for something that is more then perfect to you. What others think doesn't really matter. All that matters is how you feel and that you know, you did your best!" says Victoria. 

This is true. With this writing I am now sending a message to the Universe that I got it! I finally got it! No more this shit! I deserve support in all ways! I deserve people who don't blame me or call me names, just because they are too affraid to look in to the mirrow. If this means, that I have to be even more selective about the people in my life, then so be it. If I have to set even more clearer boundaries, then so be it. If I have to be by myself even more, then so be it.

"Unconditional love is something this world of yours just don't know yet and even if some do, it is very scary still for many", says Victoria. "Many have done their inner work and are stepping in their power with unconditional love. But there is a divine timing in everything, so it is with this. Your will meet the people you deserve when it is time. Being a forerunner is not easy, but you are strong enough to go through this."

Deep inside of me, I know, she is right. No matter what the Universe has put in front of me, I have gone through it. Tomorrow is 10.10. Endings and beginnings. Let this be the end of me being too giving and let this be the beginning of me deserving. Specially in my relationships with men. I don't have to settle for less anymore just because I am affraid that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. Then so be it. I will be okey. 

And Victoria is right. I did learn a lot. I fell in love with "potential", instead of "what really was". 

"Honey, you will pull in a person who is a match to your energy. You will. Just allow yourself to heal now from this experience and give yourself time. It was supposed to go this way, because you are being prepead for something great! More better than you can ever imagine! So forgive yourself and the others and trust that everything will unfold perfectly", says Victoria. 

I will. The process is on! I know I did the right thing and I also know that I did do my best. Now it is finally time to put myself first and get little bit selfish. In a loving way. 

"We will be more than okey, we promise!", says Victoria and Roger. They take me into their arms and here we stay, in this safe place for a while. All is going to be well.

NEW BEGINNINGS - EXPLORING LIFE!

We, as humans, go through many new beginnings during our lifetime. I haven't really though about life this way before, but as I look at my old posts here and in my other blog (Perfect enough!), I realize that I have been writing about "new beginnings" several times. How many posts end to a phrase "I am in front of something new"!

Now, for sure, everytime you leave your job or you end up a relationship, you surely are in front of something new and unknown. But this "new beginning" that I am refering here, is more about internal shifts. Let me bring in Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego), so we can have a more deeper talk.

"Love, you can explain in your own words how do you see these inner shifts that you call new beginnings", says Victoria. "I am sure, that you are the expert, since it is about your inner world". 

Okay, I say. Let me try. 

As I have gone through this inner healing process and I am able to shed my old fears and beliefs, my inner being and energy has shifted big time. Sheding an old belief doesn't happen in one day, but it is a process and it takes what it takes. The first thing that happens is, that I SEE (I become aware) of it. Let me give you an example. 

I might start to feel uncomfortable all of a sudden. First I acknowledge the feeling. Then I sit with it and let it "talk to me". Where is this coming from? Why am I feeling what I am feeling? Like, now for a couple of days, I have had this feeling of "being so very old and tired". It makes me feel heavy and lifeless. So I allowed it to be and suddenly yesterday, I got the answer of what is going on. My mom and my grandmom were always complaining about their health and inventing diseases that were not existing! This was, of cause, so they would get the attention that they needed from outside of them. But this inventing bodily problems where there were none, made the energy feel "old and tired". And I am still carring this energy! 

Well, now my healing process is on, since I can see where this inner feeling and heaviness is coming from. Phase two, for me, is to let it take what it takes. The most important thing for me, is that I know it is going out from my system. If I feel like I have to do something about it, I will. If I need to talk to someone, I will. These days, this process goes quite naturally and I really don't have to do that much. I just allow this knowingness to be there and then one day....BUM! It is gone and I am more free and light! And here is where we get to the "new beginning" part!

"This is so interesting!", Victoria says with enthusiasm. "I love this! Then what? Tell us, tell us!" I smile to her and continue my story. 

So, everytime a belief or a fear is cleanced out of my system, something heavy and dark is removed. This old energy is replaced with new, fresh and ligher energy. This energy doesn't allow me to live in an old way. Now, I am not saying that clearing one belief or fear will feel like a "new beginning", but of cause it might. How the process has gone with me is, that after clearing loads of old beliefs and fears, I am in a new state of being. I am in front of, what feels like, a new beginning. When my inner world changes, my energy changes. This means that I don't "pull in" the same experiences anymore, but the ones that are a match to my new energy. So my external experiences change hugely! And this is always, to me, like a new beginning!

"This is so beautiful lovie!", says Victoria. "You are becoming to a inner place where you are starting to understand, that life is not to survive, but to explore. Like Christopher Columbus!", she laughs.

YES! I love this! 

"You were send here to earth in this lifetime to break free from the old ways of being a human. Instead of surviving and working in order to get bigger cars or houses, you now start to understand, that we're born to explore and experience. To learn! Some experiences cost more than others, but that is okey. And when you start to understand this, you don't cry over the money "you lost", because you didn't actually "loose anything", but learned a lot! Money well spend for exploring, isn't it?", she smiles.

I love this perspective! I am truly a adventurer who came here to have fun and explore everything that life has to offer. In my survival mode I was not able to understand this, because my inner world was so full of other peoples belief and teatchings on how life should be lived! But I am ready yet another new beginning! This one will be in a life flow. Exploring, experiencing, trusting, not knowing, listening my inner guidance and my intuition, adventuring and thriving! No more surviving mode! No thanks!

To Rogers, these adjustments and these new ways of being, have been taking a little bit time. He hasn't really let go easily on the ways he knows. "I am sorry, again!", he says. "I just want to keep you safe and it terryfies me that I don't know these new ways of being that you are talking about. For me it is not easy, if I don't know. How can I protect you then?"

"But at the end, you always do know", says Victoria. "We are a team and we are in this together. We all learn as we go. And we have to give big thanks to Saija that she has been so patient with us. Our battles are not easy on her or her body, but she has been so brave."

"This is true", says Roger. "She has been very brave and patient too. I just love her so much and I am willing to do what ever it takes to keep her safe. But Victoria, you are right. We are in this together and we will know what to do, when it is time to do it. So I feel more calm and at ease now."

Thank god for me, I laugh! This inner battle between my heart and my ego, is not an easy inner process for sure. And as I say this, Victoria and Roger come to me and we gather for a group hug. Biiiiiig squeeze!

"Welcome our new beginnings, as many as it is meant to be! We will go through anything together and we are stopable! Let the true exploring and thriving begin!" 

TRUE FREEDOM!

Today is all about freedom. I mean true freedom. This freedom contains all of my being: selflove, selfrespect, worthiness, inner power, intuition, heart guidance, my looks, my personality, everything! I thought that all these things were somehow seperate, but they are all covered in true freedom. How amazing! 

For the longest time, I haven't been able to write. I have needed my solitude, my privacy, because no one else can find my freedom for me. 

Today, I got a glimpse of what true freedom is about. How it feels. And wow, I am astonished!! I have never felt like this!!! And I know, that I am not fully there yet, but I am getting so close. I can feel it, I can smell it, I can almost touch it. This is such a big thing for me, that I need to talk more about this. So I gather my crew for a chat. Roger (my ego), Victoria (my higher self) and me. 

"I am so happy for you my love", says Victoria. "You so deserve this. You have been so brave and even if you wanted to give up million times, you didn't! You just kept on going! How amazing!"

Roger is quiet. For years, there has been this push and pull between him and Victoria and non of this has been easy for eather one of them. While Victoria has been calm and understanding, Roger has been having huge fits. He has been talking and talking, trying to convince me to give up and stay where I am. This all is so new to him. He knows the present moment and the old ways of being. These things he knows very well and this is why he has been defending them so much. His only job is to keep me safe and if I am not following the old ways, then how can he?! This new energy is so unknown to him. And well, to be honest, to me too. Only Victoria can fully see the bigger picture, so she is the only one who knows what she is doing. Somehow this gives me some peace and patience, when dealing with Roger's fits. 

So for the past two days, Roger has really been fighting. He (my mind/ego) has been telling all kinds of stories why I am not happy or at peace. He really puts his best effort into this. But now, at this very moment, he is quiet. I know he will try again. He doesn't give up easily, but I allow him to do this. And we all love him no matter what! He is very much needed. Now it's just all about learning new ways of being. For all of us. 

But it is time that Victoria and me, we take fully "control". This means going with the flow and trusting, not planning.

But now, I want to talk about true freedom. Why was I so scared of it?!? Because I was!!

"Love, you can never be free until you take full responsibility of your own being", says Victoria. "You humans are not used to this, because ever since the human history, there has been outside authorities who tell you how to be and how to live and if you question anything, you are not a good person. As long as you allow ANYTHING outside of you, be it the goverment, a guru, a book, god, media, family, husband, friend, anything, to tell you how to be and live, what to believe and to follow, what to fear, you are not truly free. This all is based on old energy. Fear energy. Now, true freedom is available to everyone who are willing to do the job. It has never been supported energetigally more than now."

Responsibility. I agree. This is why I have been scared. When I take full responsibility of myself, I can not relay on anyone else than me. I can not put my life choises on anybody elses shoulders. I can not blame anyone for how I feel.

"When you take full responsibility, you don't listen anything and I mean anything outside of yourself. You don't get reaction from others comments and you don't need to ask for them. To simplyfy, nothing outside of you affects you anymore. You can be free when you don't react, but you reflect. You don't give explanations, but you just say how you feel. You don't blame the circumstanses or a persons actions (or words) on how you feel. It is all on you. You will not believe anything that is told to you, but you sit with it and you do your own research about the topic. Then you listen to your own heart and live accordingly. You can be totally free only when your being doesn't depend on your work, your creation, your friends, your family, your husband, material things, money, accomplishments, your looks. Basically anything then your being. And you don't put any life choise you make to Universes, Gods or Angels sholders. ALL YOUR BEING HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU and you alone."

Wow, this is sooo very powerful!!! All this time, I had this feeling that I am close to something. Roger wanted to give me an idea, that it was a new creation or new location with new people. Oh my, he is so very clever! And oh my god how long I believed him! I sat day after day waithing for an insight, a new idea or some kind of glue "which way to go". And all along, it was, AGAIN, an inner thing!

Now I see that true freedom allows me to be me. Without nothing external. I used to think that I would be free if I get the money or I create a business that I like and brings me financial "freedom".

"True freedom is a STATE OF MIND. It is forever present no matter what is going on externally. But in order to reach this, you need to stand fully on your own two feet", says Victoria. "And love, you are almost there."

I have to sit and let this sink in. I have felt this. I have felt something big coming towards me, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I never, in million years, could have imagine, that it is this. This was my "goal" all along. To do my inner work. Shine my light to all my dark corners, so that I could be free. Truly free. Wow!

"And remember love, you can never help anothoer human to find their freedom. This is a road that everyone, who are willing, has to find them selves. They have to have a inner, burning desire to accomplish it, otherwise they will stay where they are, because it is the easier and familiar option. But this is their choise and we have to respect all choises", says Victoria. "When you understand this, it becomes part of your freedom, doesn't it?"

Oh yes baby! I don't want to carry anyone on my shoulders. It wouldn't work anyway. I see it now. 

I got a glimpse of how true freedom feels. It was a feeling that is hard to explain. But it was so powerful, it brought tears in my eyes. I am not fully there yet, but I am determined to get there. 

How to stand in the fire (outside circumstanses) without running away from it (reacting, listening to others), as I am used to, but instead standing in that fire with peace and confidense?  Well, this is my practise at the moment. Because when I learn this, I am truly free! 

I AM A BOUREN

Yesterday I felt so intense. Something very big wanted to come out and be realised. So I allowed this intensity to be and this morning it saw clearly what it was. I am ready to realise a big wound in my family line.

Ever since I was born, I have felt like I was a burden to my mom. Not only because I was born, but also because I almost died in birth. Double burden! I was born in a hard life situation and the worry of me surviving, was a huge thing for my mom. And since I felt like I am a burden, I started to feel guilty about it. I felt like everything was my fault. So I started to make myself small because of this (but this is a different story). 

But this is not only my wound. My mom was a burden to her mom and her mom to hers and so on. So this "being a burden" goes a long way. Now I have the inner strength to heal this big wound that has been going on generation after generation.

I feel that all of us have felt like we are a burden to someone at some point in our lives. If we were too loud, if we were this or did that, we got beaten up or punnished.

Because of this wound, we learned how to be quiet, maybe lie, behave nicely, not causing any hussle. Because of this, we became small, tasteless, invisible, even sheeps. Or then we became egoistic, loud and selfcentered. Our selfesteem and selfvalue got broken and this is why we need outside validations like likes in FB or compliments.

This wound has everything to do with our throat chakra (speaking your truth), with our own inner power and with our own inner truth. 

So this "being a burden", is a big collective wound that is now being released. 

In a personal level, as I am getting ready to leave to my second home in Africa, I am facing this wound once again. I thought that I have already healed it, but no. There are still "left overs" in my subconcious mind that I was not aware of. Now they are coming to the surface to be released.

As I am packing and selling my stuff I have felt such a burden to the people around me. If I ask for help, I feel that I am this huge burden to them. And after I feel guilty. I need a space to my little stuffs and as I have been trying to find a space where to put my boxes, I feel like I am a huge burden since I am bothering people like this. And of cause, I have felt guilty because of this. My partner has to pick me up from Senegal and after, I felt like a huge burden once again. And.... yes, guilty for bothering him this way.

I also see that people get irritated because of my life choises. At first, I felt very guilty. Like a burden. But now I understand that what ever they are going through emotionally, it is non of my business. Maybe it is that their safetynet has been shaken by my life choises and it makes them question their own lives. Maybe they want to say no, when I ask for help, but are too shy to say it. What ever it is, it is non of my business. I have to allow people to feel what they are feeling. The most important thing for me, is to release this huge belief of being a burden to people.

"Love", says Victoria (my higher self). "Remember that this is not only personal. In the collective here in Finland and maybe even around the globe, there is this belief that you are weak, if you ask for help. Or that you own something to the person who helps you. So not only are you healing your own family line, but also the collective."

Wau, I didn't think about this, but it is true. I am healing a big wound over all!

"Isn't it so, that if your daughter needs help, you want her to learn how to ask it without feeling guilty or feeling like she owns something to the one who is helping?" asks Victoria.

For sure! I want her to feel free when it comes to asking for help. There is nothing wrong in asking for help.

"So you see, as you heal this wound in your family line, you are healing this in her too", says Victoria.

"Isn't it so, that you are not expecting anything from the people who you ask help for? Or are you", she asks.

No, I don't. If they can not help me, it is okey. I don't get mad or angry or bitter. This is my life and I have to deal with it, no matter how it goes. If I get help, I am gratefull for it, but if not, I will figure something else out. I don't want people in my life to feel obligated to do something they don't want to do.

"And this is how you release everybody", says Victoria. "By not expecting anything. You can never be a burden by asking. You only become a burden, if you have an expectation of the answer they give you. But just by asking, you actually teach them that it is okey to ask. It is okey to get help, this is why there are other people around us. But at the same time, when you don't have expectations, you give them the freedom to do what they feel is right for them in that moment. As you are free to answer as you feel and you allow this to you, you free others to do the same too."

This sounds great! I have realised that I am totally okey with my life choises. I live so not like others. I live through my heart. What ever it tells me to do, I will do it. Even if it doesn't make sence to me. I know that Victoria knows what we are supposed to do at each moment and she can see the bigger picture better than me or Roger (my ego). I am not attached into anything or anyone. I don't need safetynets like monthly salary or stuff. This might shake up peoples lives. And so they get irritated. But this has nothing to do with me. It is peoples responsibility to learn to say no, if they feel like saying no. It is their responsibility to deal with their emotions, but it has nothing to do with me.

I am here to live my life the way I feel is fit to me. Who ever wants to follow, they can and who doesn't, they don't have to. But I want to feel free to ask and allow them the space to choose. As I allow it to myself too. 

"This is huge wisdom you have, my love", says Victoria. "I hope that you could understand how brave you are by living this way."

I start to see it yes, and I am more then ready to heal this wound. It is time to let it go. I can never be a burden to anyone and I don't want others to feel that they would be a burden to me eather. 

So I keep on packing and selling my stuff once again and I allow this wound to be present as long as it needs to. I can not release or heal anything, that I am not aware of. And this is something that I am now very aware of. I understand now that by asking others for help, I am teaching them that it is okey to ask for help. We are all in this journey called life together and one of our missions is to help others. Sincerely. Without feeling like a burden or feeling guilty. Or feeling like I own something to someone who is helping. 

Uh, this was a big theme for this 11.11. day! But I am so happy that this is coming out now, because I know that every time something big is released, after I feel so much more in my power, in my center and in my truth. I allow myself to feel what I feel and allow others to do the same. 

No one is a burden. No one. Not even me!

DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE

I went to Facebook yesterday morning and after I felt somehow.... I don't know, angry? The energy of Facebook is so unauthentic and I feel like the whole world is like this at the moment. Something is cooking under the surface and I can see this image in my head. It is like a big wave that is pulling back, before it hits the shore with full power. There is this weird feeling of quietness going on. Just like before the huge wave hits the beach, everything gets quiet and still. Energetically I mean.

Sometimes I feel this energy of resistance in every cell of my body. Nothing in this very moment, outside that is, is not aligned with who I am. There are only a few people that I feel comfortable at this time, so I wanted to gather my crew to talk about this. And about this energetic wave that is about to hit the earth. 

"How do you feel"? Victoria (my higher self) asks.

Well, I feel these energies are sometimes tough on me, because of the resistance of collective. When they don't want to face their traumas and fears, I feel it and and this is not easy. Not only am I clearing my own shit, but the collective shit is also running through me. Sometimes, specially when the day is intence, I feel very angry, because it seems so unfare.

"But then this is how you feel and it is okey. Allow it to be this way", says Victoria. "There is nothing wrong with this and it doesn't change anything. You are allowed to feel what ever you feel. Being authentic is to be real and this includes everything. We also have to bless our darkness and learn to love this side of us too."

I know this and this is why I don't fight against this. And actually, now it is time to let go of others for good. And collective too! With this I mean, that it is time to start to concentrate fully on my own energies and my journey and leave everything else outside. This means that I am here if people need me, but otherwise, I will concentrate on me. So I am connected, but totally detached. 

I feel it is time for me to practise the trust of your guidance Victoria. I have been looking at the astrological aspescts and some videos from y-tube, but now I understand that it is time to stand with my own two feet and leave all the outside noice. I only want to hear Victoria's voice, learn to listen to my intuition 100 % and learn not to ask outside validation to everything I create. I am learning to trust myself fully and myself only. And my crew of cause! 

"I am so very happy to hear this!", says Victoria and claps her hands. "We have all the info that we need and we can only live through our truth. This is a perfect time to step into this energy. This also allows the creative energy to flow in, because nothing outside is not giving you ideas or thoughts on how and what you should create. Now all the gates are open and we can start to create in our unique way. I am so happy about this!", she gigles. 

Even Roger (my ego) is quiet now. Even he feels overwhealmed at the moment. He tries to create stories around this energy, like fears about money and loosing all the people in our lives, but at the same time, he knows, that being in our own energy at the moment is the best thing to do. Could it be that even he is ready to fly?!?! 

"I still have my fears about your safety, but at the same time, I am getting excited. Even me I feel that something is coming towards us. I will try my level best not to create that many problems", he says. 

Me and Victoria take his hand and for a while, we sit in silence. Then I ask Victoria:

Why are people so closed up?! Why are they so affraid to open up and open their hearts?

"Love, as you know, before you were the same", says Victoria. "Loving someone and being vulnerable hasn't been safe, because in the old days, you got hurt, if you were. People used your vulnerability against you and hurt you this way. This was, because the ones who hurt you, were hurting inside too. Thank god you have healed your wounds and this is why you can be so open and authentic. And now you know with who you can be this way. When it is safe and when not."

"But the rest of the world are still in a process of doing this. Some of the souls can never do the healing in this life time and this means, they are coming back in another life to continue this process. It is okey to protect yourself at this time. This doesn't make you loose anything or miss anything. What ever is meant for you, will find you when the time is right. No need to fear. So be vulnerable. Keep yourself open. Open your heart space even more! This is your gift to this collective and eventually, the souls that are meant to follow, will."

I feel like I have been in my cocoon for so long and there is no end in sight. And my soul wants to come out and play already!

"Love, my advice to you right now, is to keep your energy protected", says Victoria. Stay home. Stay in your center. Stay in your power. You got this! This is why you came here and even though, right now, it is tough on you, this too shall pass. You will know very soon why you you were required to do this and go so deep. Don't worry about anyone else, but you", she says. 

What is this energetic wave I am feeling, I ask Victoria.

"Something big is cooking underneath the surface. Corona Virus was the first wave and very soon is time for the second energetic wave. At this point, I can not say more about this. Only that you are right, it is coming, but trutfully, no one knows how it is going to play out in this collective. All I know is that it will shaken the foundations of many, again. Oh, if I could give one advice to humans, I would say, please please deal with your inner world now, volunteerly. This would make this so much easier for them, so we wouldn't always have to go through the hard way."

"But this is something every soul chose and as I said before, this is not our business", she continues.

This is quite true and for me, I feel, this is going to be a good thing. I feel like this wave is going to align the energies a lot. I am getting excited! 

One more thing that I want to talk about is that I realized that as I came back to Finland and to these old surroundings, my inner light is getting smaller and smaller. I was so free and happy when I got here, but it seems like bit by bit, I am also turning to be gray and boring. I have to be very conscious about this. It is so easy to fall into old way of being. Into the old roles and expectations. But deep inside of me I know that it was meant to be like this, so that I am able to see the barriers that I create to myself. I make myself small and go back to these roles, because it is easier for others. This is how they remember me and this version of me is something, they can handle. 

"Open yourself honey! Set yourself free!" says Victoria. "You don't need to do this at all. Who ever can not handle you, it is time to let them go. Maybe when the energy is more aligned, they will come back. And if not, then some others, new people, will. There is nothing to worry about. Let yourself fly even if it is in your own home at the moment. Create your fairy tales and tap into this child like energy, because this is who you are! It is already time for you to understand that you are a diamond and you are supposed to shine! If to no one else, then to you. Focus only on you and your creative process. This is all you have to think about."

This is so true. It is time for me to start to be who I am, fully. Not pleasing anyone by not saying what is in my heart or sharing my wisdom to people, who don't appriciate it at all. 

"Actually love, where you come from, there is no language as you know. There is only energy. This is your language. This is why you feel everything so very deep. You know and sence things that others don't. Be proud of this. This is a unique tallent and words are not always needed. Only your presence is enough", says Victoria. "Let go and allow people to come to you when they are ready."

Yes, this is it. Even though I miss people and I miss action, at the moment there is nothing I can change or do when it comes to the outside world. Updating this blog and creating the group to Facebook, opened this huge portal to my creativity. So even if nothing comes out of this blog or group, it was meant to be. Nothing happens by change. Absolutely nothing. No action and not one singe word. All is meant to be.

I want to create fairy tales. I see myself as this cartoon character whose adventures are about to start. So now it is time to allow this creative energy to just flow and when the story is ready to come out, it will. Like song writing. When the song is ready to come out, it will. But not one minute before. 

So I keep taping into my own power center more and more and leave other people journeys to them. I want to hold this child like joy and creativity close to my heart and this means that my heart center has to be kept open. 

"We love this", Victoria and Roger shout! "Keep on going honey, you are doing a great job!"

Let the little Saija's adventures begin! Me I am creating a new world to myself and it feels very empowering to say "fuck it" and just do me. 

BE THE GODDESS

So it is, that the days and weeks in my second home in Africa, turned into months. Life was simple and nice. No planning, just going with the flow and being present in every moment. I loved it and sometimes hated it, but that's the way it goes! I never knew where I end up when I leave the house and for how long. I was and I am practicing "the new me". Now I have been back in Finland for a couple of months and I have loved the fresh air and our nature. Here is so pure and beautiful. 

I gather my crew today, because I want to talk about learning this new way of being. Roger (my ego) doesn't always agree with the rest of us, but it is okey. We are used to it and we don't allow him to disturb us that much. It is amazing to see how fast things that used to take days or weeks, now pass by within hours. I used to got caught up with Roger's arguments for too long, now it is not possible. Victoria (my higher self) is in charge!

Today I want to talk about self love. Being a goddess. Being the diamond I came here to be. I have noticed, that I have still expected people outside of me, to give me compliments and feedback. I have expected them to tell me that I am beautiful and that I am worthy. I have put huge expectations to the shoulders of others on how they should love me. And if they don't act the way I think they should, they actually don't love me. These are the games that Roger keeps on playing. He is always looking outside for validation and he is measuring the amount of love we get. Or don't.

I honestly thought that I have already cleansed all of these things. I though that I truly love myself unconditionally and yes, in some ways I do. But I need to have a chat with Victoria and have a chat about this with her. Why do I still look for validation outside?

"This is where your mirrors lie. When you look outside of you and you don't "get what you want", it is just a beautiful compass to your inside world. You will not "get what you want" from outside, until it is fully integrated inside", says Victoria. 

I sit with this for a while. So what does this mean, can you explain a little bit more?

"I bet, you have heard million times a quote "you create your own reality". But do you really understand this fully?" she asks.

Well, some part of me understands it, but some part is confused. For example, I don't ask for dark nights of the soul, but they come. Just like that, out of the blue! This is not the reality I want to create for sure! So when these days hit me, it is very hard to think positive or see the light at the end of a tunnel. Sometimes these days knock me to my knees and I feel like "fuck it". So is this what I create then?! 

"This is different love", says Victoria. "This is cleansing. You are just cleansing old beliefs and fears when this happens. When this process is on, there is no need to think about anything else, then just allow that to be and feel what you are feeling. If you feel down and upset, then it is so. This has nothing to do with creating your reality, but everything to do with being authentic and real."

"These dark days, are actually days, where I am in charge", says Roger. "Honey, I just want to keep you safe, so I honestly play all the trick that I can". 

We all start to laugh, because this is so true! Even if me and Victoria just want to relax, because we know the drill and we just want to feel the intensity and let it flow, Roger puts up a good play! He will create stories as much as he can, for sure, and one of them are these expectations from others.

"But, then we come to those days where the energy is cool, light, creative and nice. During those days, I believe, that you are feeling much more better and more like you. Those are the days where you can think of what is it that you do want to create in your life. Then the energy is aligned with your soul - with me! And I always know what is best for us! These days our creation is more about allowing ideas and thoughts to come to us, instead of forcing them. When Roger doesn't want things and validations, like tittles, anymore, it is easier to just be in the moment and allow everything to unfold naturally."

We all agree, that when the energies are lighter, Roger doesn't create drama that much anymore and this definitely is easier for all of us.

But back to this self love and outside validation. 

"As long as you don't believe that you are a diamond. That you are not worthy of all the abundance of the world, the outside world answers to that energy. You don't ever have to ask for no one to bring you flowers when you are fully aligned with your inner goddess. With unconditional love towards yourself. You will buy those flowers to yourself first and enjoy them fully, with all your heart! And then, maybe, to your surprise, someone will come to you with arms full of flowers", Victoria explains. 

"When you put expectations into others, you actually push them away. You give them an energetic pressure and this makes them feel like no matter what they do, they can not do it right. So basically you send them a message that they are not good enough, they are failing in loving you (themselves) and that their presence in your life is unsatisfying. And I don't think that this is a message any of us want to give to anybody!"

Uuu, this is so true! My god! I have felt the pressure of expectations, so I know how it feels and still, I have been doing it! Well, all I can do is to forgive myself and learn! Get conscious about my actions. 

"Love yourself!" Victoria shouts with a huge smile in her face. "Love as much as you can and use other people as a mirror to this self love! Give them love unconditionally, give them compliments, lift them up and hug them. Be the acceptance you want from others. The more love, acceptance and compliments you are able to give outside of yourself, the more love you are giving to yourself. Remember, you can only give and show love to others, as much as you can give it to yourself. And eventually, you will get all of that love back to you. Without asking for it or putting any expectations towards anyone. It will flow into your life freely and authenticly."

I love this! I can see that I haven't been ready to this, because I am used to get hurt when being open and sharing love to people. But now I don't care! Do me wrong... Well, I might not want to hang around you, but I surely will send you lots of love and keep on wishing all the best for you. And when it comes to the people around me, I still have work to do in order for me to learn to be more open and willing to express my love for them. 

"All you need is the willingness", says Victoria. "As long as you are willing, the Universe will step up behind you and help you. It will bring you situations and people where you can practice this in action. And you will learn this. I know you will and you can do this. Until you see it, you can not change it. But when it comes to your awareness, then the doors for changing old habits and beliefs are open". 

I love this! And I am willing to learn. After all, this is why we are all here. To love ourselves fully and it can only happen through different events and people in our lives. All I need to know right now is, that I am willing and I am okey with this. 

I am a goddess. I am a diamond. I am unique and worthy. And perfect enough. 

NOTHING TO SHARE

Lately I have been wondering why is it, that I don't have nothing to share anymore? I feel like all my creativity, my words, my tallents, my connection to my guides and to my inner wisdom is gone! I want to write (yes!), because I love it. I used to shared a lot. I mean A LOT! I had different groups in Facebook. I have an Instagram account and I had a blog before this one. I created this blog so that I can keep on writing and creating. But it seems, that nothing wants to flow out. Nothing. Total silence.

I am used to share. Not only through my writing, but also talking. I have been very "blue eyed" when it comes to people and I have shared my life openly when ever and to whom ever. This includes sosial media. This has caused me a lot of joy, but a lot of pain too. Now, for the first time in my life, I don't have nothing to say. No words to share, no words to write. I am very careful with who I share and what. It feels like my openness is gone! Oh, I need my crew!

"What is going on Victoria (my higher self)?", I ask.

"What if for once I don't give you answers, but you tell me. Why do you think this is so? I know you know what is going on", she giggles.

That is true. As I sit with this for a while, for sure, information starts to flow in.

First of all, for me sharing was cleansing. Do you know the feeling when you have been eaten something bad and you have to throw up. This is what sharing did to me. It was like I was throwing up my old beliefs and fears. And as I shared my thoughts, I was realising a lot of old shit. Things got more clear in my head. The best thing is that when I am sharing my thoughts with a loving person, we always get so much both ways. So yes, cleansing was one part of it.

Second, I needed to share myself so openly, because only through that, I was able to get other people's comments. Why did I need this? Because there was so much old beliefs and fears, old programming in me. So why did I need others? Well, through their reactions I was able to reflect those beliefs and fears. These comments were just a mirrow to my old programming.

"Can you give an example love?", says Victoria.

Well, let's say, that after seeing a comment, I felt guilty. So I needed to sit with this and see from where this feeling is coming from. And I have to say, that always, I mean always, all the roads they lead to my childhood. There are so many things we observe even as babies already, that it is amazing! After becoming aware of why I felt guilty, I just had to "work with it". Sit with it, allow that feeling to be seen and felt and then forgive and let go of it.

So I needed to share my cleansing journey, because I needed mirrows to my old programming. Cool!

Third point is the fact, that I needed to be seen. Not by others, but by me. Fully. For me, this happened through sharing. The more openly and authenticly I was able to share, the better. Nothing to hide! The more openly I shared, the more I became visible to me. The weird thing is, that the more I became visible to me, the less I felt the need to share!

So here I am. Thinking of all the wisdom that I got out of my cleansing journey and now, I just don't feel like sharing anything. I am more careful of to whom I share my life and when and where. I feel like I am an empty canvas with nothing to say. I have lost all my interest to others at this point. I just don't care that much what people do in their lives. Let them live it as they feel fit to them. No need to change anyone or anything. No need to preach about the invironment or about the importance of ones inner work. I just don't care. At this point, I care about me. How to make my life more fun? Waiting for new places and people to enter. I am fully concentrated on me.

"Oh love, I am so happy to hear this", says Victoria. "You don't need to worry about sharing at all! This is normal process! You are not the same person you were. And you are learning about you every day. Why would you have to share anything at this point? You have "burned away" the old programming and learning to be this new person, in this new way. How beautiful is this?" I have to agree.

"Your wisdom has not disappeared. It is there. And you will share again, when the time is right. There is no rush. And maybe you will find other ways of sharing too, you never know! Everything is changing so rapidly, that we just have to be and see", Victoria continues. "You just love yourself enough now to understand, that you don't need others approval on how to live your life. You love yourself enough now to have boundaries with who you want to share your deepest feelings with. This is the inner wisdom. Trust the flow of your life. There is nothing wrong to enjoy this privacy, that you haven't experienced before. You are allowed to be quiet. You are allowed to pull away from sosial media. You don't have to share anything with anyone, if you don't want to", Victoria says.

This feels good to me. I had this pressure of sharing, because I had this (yet another) belief, that I was here for a mission. To change the humanity by sharing my life and writings. And maybe it is so. But for now, I am not there.

So I take this pressure out of my shoulders and continue my private being. It is okey to get to know me. This new me. By myself. It is okey, not to care about the outside world for a while. It is okey to pull out from sosial activities and sosial media. And of cause I share. I share every day, but now I am more aware of to who I want to share and what. I don't need mirrows to my old programming anymore. Now I want mirrows of my self love. And I know very well who these people are. And to them, yes, I share!

I also have been a trigger for many people for a long time just by living my life. When I posted something on Facebook, someone or many got triggered. Some left, some took distance. And this is a very normal reaction when you have not cleared your inner fears yet. It is very normal reaction when you don't take full responsibility of your own inner process. Now, I just don't need these kinds of mirrows either anymore. Now it is time to give myself a break and allow myself to be surrounded with people, who take responsibility of their own processes instead putting their shit on me. I am done with this for a while. As much as I need a break from sosial media, I also need this.

 I am quite enjoying this new me and this new privacy. And now the motive behind this is only self love. Meaning that I am not sharing because I am scared of being open, authentic or being seen by others. When and if the time comes for sharing, I don't have any problem with it. But for now, I dedicate this time for me and my privacy and this feels very good!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

NEW LIFE, NEW REALITY

So here we are. In a new adventure. I came to Africa almost a month ago. As I told in my last post, Roger (my ego) was really resisting this. But now as we are here, he is more calm and addapting to our situation very well. He is still trying to come up with the old statements, but me and Victoria (my higher self) are handlening them quite well. We allow him to talk, but we are not paying that much attention to them.

For the first weeks here, I felt like a turist. I was living in a turist area and hanging around places and people I have known for years. I knew this before coming. I knew that I needed to go through some old shit, as I had done in Finland. And so I was not surpriced about the events that were going on. Some people left, some stayed. Some situations were the ones I wanted to pull myself away from. I met old people from my past and I met some new ones. I had this inner knowing (Victoria's wispers), that it was meant to be like this. At the same time I also knew, that something new wants to enter.

I was dancing and laughing a lot. Very quickly my body started to shape back to normal. I enjoyed the sosial activity around me after being so isolated and alone in Finland. If I needed "me time", I took it, but if I wanted company, it was always around. I absolutely loved it! No time to think too much for once!

I did my yoga in the small space I was having or I went to the beach to train. I visited nice places with good food, nice talks and with good company. I loved my turist life!

Then we started to hear these news about the virus. Game changer!

What I did not expect was the panic and the change that this virus was bringing along. I hear that in Europe the situation is quite hard, but at least for now, things here in Africa, are quite calm. I wanted to ask Victoria about this virus. It seems, that even Roger can not get into this panic mode even though the news are full of this virus.

"Love, this virus is meant to be. The earth can not take the actions of humans anymore. She is tired of the way people are treating her. And each other. Only by stopping everything fully, humans are able to stop running away from things they need to face in their life's. How we treat each other, how money has been running the world for too long, how big is the cap between poor and rich and so on. This is a huge wake up call for the whole humanity! The selfishness has gone too far. It is just time to stop and reflect. This is how the Universe works. It is like she is the mother who is watching her children playing and she does have patience as a parent. She has given her children multitable changes to learn and do thing differently, but unfortunately, her children were not able to do this on their own. So tough love was needed. Boundaries. Stillness", says Victoria.

"But it feels like it is a punishment", I say.

"Oh no, not at all! This is like parenting any child. There must be some boundaries always. How else can we learn to respect others, to consider others and so on. This is not for sure a punishment, but a lesson. Like in school. Let's say that you want to learn a new language. You start with basics, right? Same goes here. Humanity has gone so far from basic, that it is just time to stop and pause. Unlearn the ways that are not working, go inside one self and from that space, learn new ways of being. Go back a bit and remind ourselves what does it mean to be a human. Money, tittles and material things don't matter. Humanity has forgotten this. So we need a pause. Because in the future, there will be technologies that we are not yet aware of. There will be new creations, but they are not activated yet. First we need to stop and pause and as I said, reflect."

"I also want to remind you that this is a perfect example of fear based energy. It is quite amazing to see how much power the media has on people. What if we didn't have internet? What if we didn't have sosial media? This virus could have not ever have so much power over people without the fear. This virus could not grow in love energy. This is a perfect example of people listening others instead of turning inwards and in their inner power. This is one of the lessons of this virus. Panic can only spread when it has energy. Without fear, this virus would have had been just another flu that is going around and it wouldn't have had this power over people. The fact that you are not going with this panic flow doesn't mean you are not aware. It means, that you are not willing to give any energy to this virus for it to survive."

This is so interesting to me. I remember how at the end of last year, I felt like something big is "cooking" under the surface. I could not put my finger on it, but I knew it is big. And here we are. With this virus. What it will bring and how thing will unfold, no one knows yet. Here is a change to learn "living in a moment" life, because at the end, that is all we have. Now. We are at the door of "new earth". How exciting!

Anyway, enough about the virus! Me and my crew, well, we have had fun! It is amazing to find out how fast the new ways of being becomes normal. Even though Roger keeps bringing up some old stuff, like money issues, this new energy doesn't allow them linger upon us that long. To be very honest, I am so happy now that I have done my inner job and I am now in a peacefull and happy place!

"And love, you were doing your inner cleansing willingly. This was a big benefit to you. Resisting "what is" only makes things harder", says Victoria. Oh yes, I agree!

So I have let go of people and places here too. In my second home. It was meant to be like this. But a week ago, I moved into a new house, in a new invironment. I have people around me that love me, accept me and support me, no matter what. I don't think I have ever been loved this way. Roles, age or tittles don't matter. I matter, meaning my soul matters. This is such amazing feeling! This unconditional love allows me to open up fully. Until now, it hasn't been safe to be vulnerable and open. It hasn't been safe to show all sides of me. So this is my practise now. To be open. To be vulnerable. To be me, fully.

And the funny thing is, that now, as I am loved unconditionally, there are not so many things coming up. When you are in a safe invironment, there is no need to fight or argue. No need to control or think too much. When you are in a free space, it is easy to flow with life. You can express your thoughts and needs without being judged. You can take your space when you need it. You can talk about all things in this Universe without anyone saying "you are weird". Everything is so natural!

So I am now in my own bubble here in Africa. I am very aware what is going on in the outside world, but I can not get on board to the fear and panic that people are feeling. I am okey with everything. Even if it means I am meant to die to this virus. Then so be it. But to be honest, I don't think I will. I feel like I am in front of something new. That for me this is just the beginning..... Of new life with new ways. I knew all along that March is going to be "shedding the old skin". This meant that all the fears that were underneath, had to come to the surface to be releaced. I bless this!

Now I am able to thank myself and my crew for all the things we have learned these past few years. How to just be. How not to control. How to go with the flow. How to trust. How to relax and have faith in any situation. Now all these lessons have become handy. It is no coincidence that I was not able to find a job to distract my learning process. No wonder that no gym or dancing lesson was pulling me. I needed to learn all these new ways of being by myself through isolation.

"We are so proud of you honey", says Victoria. "Yes love, we are", says Roger. Victoria comes to sit on my left side and takes me in to her arms, Roger comes to the right side and puts his hands around me too. And here we sit, in peace and quiet. Cynthia (my god fairy) is flying above us with a big smile on her face. I feel safe. I feel loved. I can finally be myself fully. Without any roles, without any expectations, without any pressure for doing.

How many times I thought I knew what freedom is. Well, I didn't. How many times I thought that I was in front of something new. I wasn't.

For me, right now, every day is new. Even if I am doing things that I have done for years, it still feels like new. It is like my eyes are finally fully open. Roger still wants me to think about the future, but I trust the flow. What ever I am meant to do here, it will come to me when the time is right. Right now, I just want to enjoy my bubble a little while longer.