ON MY WAY TO FREEDOM AS A WOMAN

Yesterday I went to my twerk class and something happened. We were divided into groups of two and we had to walk towards the mirror with a sassy attitude. The song we were practicing was requiring us to do so. So we did. I was watching other two girls going before me and in that situation I didn’t really think too much. I just did my best and went along. 

But after the practice was over, I felt this energy. The energy of how repressed my feminine energy is and has been. I bursted in tears and my whole body was shaking. The fear was huge! It is like all the power from my body would have been taken from me. Other ladies were looking at me. Feeling what I was feeling and they also started to share how they feel the same. It was such a huge healing moment to the whole group! And what was the most beautiful thing was to be supported by other women! Not judged, no jealousy, but just support. 

After I got home I sat with this for a while and it hit me so hard how small I have always made myself so that others wouldn’t feel bad. How abused I have been as a woman. 

I have always been thin and I have always taken care of my body. Here in Finland femininity is not supported as much as it is in Gambia. We have a history of the independece war where most of the men were sent to the front. This meant that the ladies had to take over. So they had to take the roles of both women and men. This made them tough and there was no room for emotions or softness. This legacy is still carried among the ladies here. I know I have and maybe still do, but I am doing my best to heal this wound in me and find out who I am as a woman.

But here in Finland it is almost impossible to find any energetic support to this process. Here I am totally invisible to men or anyone for that matter. So I wear my yoga leggings and hoodies. In here I don’t really think about my femininity at all. In Gambia it comes to me more naturally. I wear skirts and earrings and I like it. Of course it has a lot to do with the weather conditions too, but somehow the African ladies are more okay with their bodies. The more juiciness the lady has, the better. Quite the opposite than it is here in Europe. 

I also remember when I was in India for six weeks doing yoga, I got interested in the behavior of these Russian women. They knew exactly how to use “the busy power”. These ladies were very aware of their feminine power and they knew how to use it for their own benefit. 

Today I realized how I have always made myself so small as a woman. How much I have been giving up my own femininity because I was scared that the men would abandon me. For sure, the sexual abuse I experienced as a young child, also plays a big role in this. This made me think that if I am sexy or men want me, it is somehow my fault. I should cover my sexyness, because then men wouldn’t have temptations. I have had insecure men who are scared to lose me, so I had to minimize myself. And of course, I have been very insecure myself. 

If I am totally honest, I still don’t know what kind of a woman I want to be. All I know is that it is not this. I am so tired of being a half man when this is not how I was designed to be. I was designed to be a gentle, wise, heart guided goddess. We women have such a power and this world looks like it does just because it has been led by broken, immature men. For too long the broken masculinity has been in charge. But now things are changing big time!

I am tired of mothering men. To always take the responsibility. To not feel safe. To feel like I am too much when I am with men. Not being really, truly seen or heard. I am tired that the men never ask me what are my dreams and what do I need or want. It has always been about them. Their vision of us and then expecting me to play along. And oh my god, when I didn't, then I was the one to blame. I was the reason for all the shit in our relationship. I am so tired of this!

Can you imagine that I am 53 years old and I have NEVER EVER felt supported by any man?!? I have never felt safe around men?!? It is so unbelievable!

As we women heal ourselves, we are becoming more powerful. We are stepping into our feminine essence and taking the lead. What we did except before, we don’t anymore. All the ladies who are awakening, who are doing their inner work, their healing, are bit by bit stepping into their full power. And this is going to change the whole world!

I will never ever allow any man to put me down, to manipulate me, to minimize me or to abuse me. I will not make myself small for anyone anymore. I am stepping into my feminine power and its essence bit by bit. I don’t know how it is going to look at the end, but I know the process is fully on. 

There is so much I want to learn on femininity, but I let it happen naturally without force. All I know at this time is that I am willing and open. I will not live this life with my heart closed, but fully open! I don’t settle for less than I deserve and I will learn how NOT to keep apologizing that I exist. 

No more suppressing my femininity! No more apologizing for my existence. It ends here and now. My goal is to become strong in my vulnerability. Showing emotions is not a weakness, but a great act of courage. I will keep on practicing my twerking, shaking my baggage (ass) and there will be a time and place for me where I can wear dresses all the time, if I want. I will find women, sisters, who will support me in this journey and men, brothers, who will do the same.

I am finding out who I am as a woman. I am very aware that I love myself as I am, but I can still learn more about self confidence and sassynes. Let this exciting journey continue. No matter what, I am an awakened woman on her way to her full power!