ISOLATION HAPPINESS

For the longest time I have had this feeling of "not belonging" anywhere. I mean I have friends and family of cause, but somehow my lifestory is being the outsider. I am very very sure that there are many of us who don't seem to fit in or have this feeling of "not belonging". 

I resisted this for the longest time, so I tried and tried. I hanged on to my old life like my "life would depend on it". I called, I suggested dates, I made the affort. Sometimes it did work, sometimes not. I always had the time, but people are living busy lives and so the calls and the meetings got less and less. 

Until finally, I desided to let go. Fully. I was thinking that the people who really care and in whose priority list I was in, would definitaly contact me. I basically stopped forcing any connections, I stopped glinning and attaching and just let go. 

And it got silent. For sure, I got calls every now ant then, but there was only one person left, who really made the effort, always had time for me and everything between us is somehow so easy and flowing. It is so natural.

Well anyway. At first I felt so alone. I was in Finland where I didn't feel comfortable and now, I didn't really have people with who to build my life here. As we all know these last years have been quite intense for all of us, so I felt like I was left alone in a fucked up situtation where I would have needed support. Until.

I saw one of my acquaintance and we had a Shaman Drum healing session. Oh my god, how powerful it was. She could see this wound of deep deep loneliness that I have been carring ever since I was born. Even in my past lives. I don't know what happenned in that session, but that deep deep feeling of aloness just disappeared! It was so strange at first, because this "not belonging" had been such a big part of my personality and now it was gone!

I was fine! I was okey being by myself! Actually, I even prefer it! How cool is that!

And then I understood why I have had this feeling for so long. It is only after I had cleared a lot of old shit that I could truly start to get to know "the new me". In a deeper level. This can not happen, if I am busy and always surrounded by lot of people. And the crazy thing is, I am now very okey without people!

I love my own energy! It is light, I love the joy that I have inside of me and I love the way my soul and body are guiding me everyday! Sometimes I am tired in the morning, but I try to force myself for a walk. So I dress, I go outside and pum! My body is like "no, not now, maybe not today" and I have to turn back inside and back to the sofa. I love just being and watching the trees from my big windows. I love the slow way of living without any schedules to follow. How happy can a person be just by lying on the sofa under a warm blanket!

I am so happy for this isolation, because I know this is what I need right now. For the first time, I am putting all my focus on me without any distractions. Why I felt so alone and had this feeling of "not beloning" was, because I was not giving enough attention to myself! I was always looking for this feeling outside of me while it was always already here, inside of me!

I found my way home, to me and ever since, there has not been this feeling of "not belonging" anymore. I belong, because I was born here on this earth! If and when there will be people in my life, they are just a beautiful extra in my life, but there are no attachments or expectations what so ever!

It is so beautiful when I surrendered to this phase in my life, to this isolation, how much my inner peace has grown! I know that what ever is meant for me, will find me and will come when it is time. This isolation that has lasted for so long with only few people in my life, has been needed. 

I am in a state where I am bit by bit discovering "what is my purpose". Why am I here on earth. Before and yet still now, my purpose has been healing and clearing. Bit by bit I am, however, starting to get courious about passions. I have lived a life dictated by others, but now it is my turn. I am taking the wheel of my life and I am the only one driving. I don't care what others say or think. Let them.

I know that I am living a very different life than my busy friends. My goal is not to be busy, but to create. My goal is to take very good care of my inner peace. I don't have time for drama or conflicts anymore. My goal is to take it easy and enjoy my life more. My goal is to have more fun and do more of those things that I love (as soon as I discover what they are 😂). Well, I guess at least I know what I don't want and that is a good starting point. 

As this isolation goes on and this "digging deep" moves deeper, I start to understand the quote: "everything is already inside of you". This is such a new thing for me still. From inside out, I know this and yet, I did still look the answers from outside of me. 

Well, this is a new thing and so I keep practising. I am eager to learn more about me and "how can I fill my cup". I understand now that I needed to empty my inside in order to get to know me. Everything everything happens first inside, before it can manifest in a physical form! This requires patience, courage, time and isolation. 

This world feels heavy, but in my own space, I feel lighter and peaceful. So sometimes I go out, sometimes not and now all of this is okey. I allow people and things come to me and I want this to happen naturally. Sometimes I am availabe, sometimes not. 

It is okey to let go, this is life and letting go is part of it. I want all my relationships be like they would be "the birds in the palm of the Universe": If you allow them to fly free and they love you, they will always come back. Not by force, but because they want to, by free will with support and commitment". That is what unconditional love is. It is based on trust, truth, effort and loyalty. 

For now, I am enjoying my isolation phase fully! I am very excited to see where I am heading. Allowing life to be a mystery, I actually get more excited then if I would go mountain climing. I am this important to me! All I know right now is that this phase is needed and that I will be moving soon. Oh yes and that I love music and writing! 

For me, this is quite enough right now! What next minute, next day or week will bring, let it stay a mistery and let me be surpriced!