WHAT THE FUCK

Yesterday was so fucking intense! Oh my god! Anxiety, frustration, anger and a lot of crying! It felt like I just couldn’t breathe! This ongoing process of breaking old inner records (old stories) and practicing allowing instead of forcing. Living in a flow is much harder than you think! And Roger (my ego) doesn’t like it at all! He gets so upset and angry.

“Why the hell don’t I have a say in anything anymore?! What the fuck!?! I know what we don’t want and I know at least some of what we do want, but there is nothing I can do?! What bullshit is this?”, he shouts. 

He is sooo very angry and frustrated! And Victoria (my soul) just keeps quiet and allows Roger to shout and scream. She doesn’t want to argue with him, because she knows that it doesn’t help. Me and her, well, we just have to allow him to feel what he feels, but it is not easy. Especially not for me.

I just sometimes feel like I truly need a break! That I am exhausted and out of this world! I can not see people and I can not go out. I can not explain this to anyone who is still living in “the old energy”. Trying to explain just makes me more tired and people misunderstand me anyway. This inner battle and learning this new way of being is a fucking hard job!

“I know love”, says Victoria. “You see how conditioned you are to controling things. This is a coping mechanism you learned ever since you were a baby and now it is all about allowing and being. Only acting when I tell you to. I am sorry it is so hard on you and Roger.”

I am very sensitive to the energies around me. Even more so now when my essence gets lighter and “the old mud”, meaning the traumas and fears, are clearing out 24/7. I can feel straight how I feel around someone or if I am in a wrong place. I am still in my home town close to my past. This already is very hard on me. But. Then there is the fact that I am in Finland and here the energy is very much misaligned with me. And I feel this! I feel this so strongly and it is getting harder and harder for me to just be here without any answers. 

And when Roger is sensing this, he wants to take over! He can see how much I cry and how unhappy I am here and so he gets very upset that he can not help me! He just wants to crap me and take me away somewhere where I could feel a little bit of ease and peace. And when he can’t, he gets so frustrated and angry! He is like a little child who has a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants! 

Well, this only shows how much he loves me! He just wants me to be happy!

“I fully understand this”, says Victoria. “We both want you to be happy and for us both, it is heartbreaking to see you so sad and lonely. But I am asking you both to trust me that I will guide us forward as soon as I can! I am not keeping us here just because I want to, but there is a bigger picture here that you and Roger can not see. But I can."

"All I am asking is for you two to trust me that I am doing my level best as I am organizing our future. This is not a small thing! We are just not going on a holiday, but we are changing our whole life in a brand new way and this takes a bit more time than just a move to a new house or getting a new job.”

Me and Roger sit in silence and of course we know that she is working very hard in cooperation with the Universe to make things happen. 

It is just hard on both of us and especially when I am in a situation where everything is so misaligned with me. 

“Well, the good thing is that the more Roger can let his anger and frustration out, the better and you my love, the more you can observe his feelings instead of reacting to them, the better. It will clear out much faster. This is all just a release of the old conditioning”, says Victoria. 

“I know this is a hard place for you to be, my love, but please try to hang in there! I promise that when we finally get to go, the past is in the past and we can have a fresh start”, says Victoria. 

I want to trust on this and I do. It is just that I feel like a beautiful sunflower without water. The more time goes by without the water, the more gray I become. I lose my joy, I lose my light. My vitality. It is just a simple truth that what ever energy you are in, it eather supports your being and brings out the best in you or well, not.

I hate these old beliefs that we have been told like: "when you love yourself fully, it doesn't matter where you are, you will feel happy." This is such a bullshit! It doesn't work like that! All is connected to all, meaning our surroundings, the people in your life, what you do, being part of something, feeling meaningful and I matter, it is all connected to our human essense. All of this has an energy behind it and it is eather aligned with you or it is not. And if it is not, you will feel it!

Let's say you are in a working environment and you FEEL bad every day. You cry in the morning when you have to go there. This is misaligment and there is NOTHING else you can do then to leave eventually. Same thing happens with people, places and countries. They all have their unique energy and you will feel if it is right for you. It is that simple!

So everything matters and if I would try to force myself "to be happy where I am", it would NOT be authentic, but more like a mental rape! And I want to mention, that I do have good days where my inner peace is more present. When Roger is more at ease. Within those days I can see the beauty of the nature and I can fully feel the fresh air. But. Still. In the back of my mind there is this nagging feeling of "I don't belong here". It just is. And now I have accepted it, instead fighting it and trying to "fit in".

I truly love myself as I am! I have inner peace and acceptense to where I am. I am not fighting the situation or trying to force things to change, but I am also very aware that I am NOT in a right place or among right people. I am NOT in a situation or in a place that supports my growth or my being. Just like I would know how I feel when I meet someone whose energy is hash or even violent. I wouldn't hang around this kind of person for long!

So, as we can see, all the beliefs that I have addapted from spiritul circles or otherwise outside of me, has to go! Only I can know how I feel and only our crew can guide us out of here when the time right.

"Sometimes it is not even about us, but about the collective movements. Sometimes there are bigger forces working behind the scenes and then we come to the frase of "divine timing". You are doing your best, so let go of "being perfect" or "a good girl" and be a mess! It is totally fine!", says Victoria.

She is right. What can I do. It is what it is. Even though Roger has his fits, Victoria is in charge and no matter how much we want to fight this situation and move on, we can’t. Not yet.

Oh, I just wish that I could get a break. A holiday without a care in the world! 

But our team keeps on going. One minute at the time. One hour at the time. We came here for this and I know I can do this. Let it be hard then. Let it be lonely. I will get through this and one day, to my surprise, Victoria will whisper directions to my ear and I will know what to do. Until then, we breathe. We can have our fits and frustrations. Or a good cries. It is all okay. We are creating our fairy tale from INSIDE OUT, not outside in and learning new ways of being is not easy.

One day, Ins Allah, our patience will be rewarded! This is how it looks like when we are creating a new world. More loving, more human, more authentic. The old doesn't die easily without a fight, but it is dying. Slowly, but surely!