A HUMAN BEING HAVING A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE

More and more louder this small voice inside of me keeps whispering to me that “ You are unique!”, “Your life path is unique!”. Forget about others, concentrate only on you! And on some level I have known this, but this time these sentences sink deep into my awareness. "Let go, let them!" my soul shouts!

Lately I have also questioned all that I have learned from spiritual teachings throughout the years of my awakening. Everything makes sense and at the same time it all feels very very old to me. As I keep going deeper and deeper into my being, the less I care what once was. What I thought was true to me. 

I don’t follow so many “spiritual teachers” anymore, but https://www.instagram.com/neutrinoastrology I do every now and then. And he said something in his recent video about how it is impossible for others to understand what you are going through or how you are feeling. Not on a deep level. If I hit my toe and I feel the pain of it, my friend can not know how it feels, because she is not experiencing it. Even if she would hit her toe too still, her pain would be different, unique to her, than mine. I could relate, but not truly feel how she feels. Just like she could not truly know what I feel. 

We all have a unique life. We all have different traumas, beliefs, cultures, lessons to learn. Even if I might have gone through a similar situation then someone else and I can RELATE, I can never go inside someone's heart and truly feel and know what their experience is. And this, my friend, breaks all the boxes and life paths that all of us have been taught to follow: go to school, get an education, work hard, chase money and fame/tittles, pention, death. We used to be sheeps, all going in the same direction. Doing the same things. Or this is how we were conditioned. The herd is easier to control than unique individuals. A person who stands in their own truth can not be controlled in any way. She won’t do what you want, but what she thinks it’s best for her. And not by hurting others when doing it. This is unique. 

Before, when I was sharing and explaining my feelings or inner journey to someone,  I needed sympathy and empathy from others. Now I give it to myself. Before I was looking for validation from outside of me, now I give it to myself. And as I do this, the need to share anything to anyone just disappears. 

And this brings me to this insight that “leave everyone alone”! Their journey is none of your business! Their journey is not yours to judge! It is not yours to fix or to safe! Some people awaken in this lifetime, some don’t. It is none of my business. It is not less or more than. It is just different! As long as I do me and ONLY concentrate on my life, it’s all good! No more giving advice or pushing my own agenda on anybody! Ah, what a freedom! It is time for me to stop putting us all into the same boxes. Everyone is as unique as I am. 

Last week I also got this deep insight of my own experience of responsibility. Ever since I was a small child, I had to take too much responsibility for my age. And this pattern has been going on all my life! No wonder I have been so tired and have gone through so many burnouts! I have always felt very uncomfortable when someone is unhappy and so I have tried my best to make things better. A pattern learned as a child. A belief that it is somehow my responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy and doing well. In my own expence of cause.

Now, for the first time EVER in my life I am only taking responsibility for my own well being. I don't have pets, I don't have small kids, I don't have a spouse. It is just me! When I stop interfering in other people's lives and their lessons, it sets me free. LET THEM! No matter what it is, LET THEM! Oh, you think 2 + 2 is 10? Okay! Oh, you think round is square? Okay! Oh, you want to go back to your abusive boyfriend? Okay. Oh, you want to numb your feelings with alcohol? Okay. 

Nothing outside of me is my responsibility! Only I am. If spiritual teachings don’t resonate, okay! I do me and that is just perfect for me. The more I am stepping into my own truth and experience, the more I allow others to do the same. 

One thing that also has come up to me last week are the traps that spirituality holds. YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH! There is always something to improve in you, something to learn, go a little bit deeper. You are not “there” yet, so buy another course or seminar. Phrases like “you are a spirit in a human body” fucks me up big time! I even get angry, because it doesn't resonate with me at all! “Time is limitless” or “we truly never die” are so fucking “out there” as can be! How disrespectful and arrogant is this towards human life, human body! Spirituality as we know it, sucks the joy out of you totally!

I came here to this earth to be a HUMAN! A human who does die and whose time here on earth IS limited! I came here to learn how to be a better HUMAN, not better spirit! First towards myself and from there to others. I did not come here to only be a fucking spirit who wants to escape the human side of this journey. Life happens ALWAYS no matter if you are awake or not! Ask the monks! They will tell you the truth!   

I had to go very deep into my being for some reason. That is my journey, but it is not everyones. I am not here to be another “Echart Tolle”, but to be me. A human being called Saija. Accepting all my human traits as I accept my soul too. To truly shed anything I have ever learned from outside of me. Keeping the teachings that are true to me and leaving the rest. I had to walk the talk in order to get in touch with my own wisdom. Wisdom that you can not get from the books, but from going through it. Through experiencing the inner journey. 

I curse, I smoke. I do yoga and then I don’t. I eat what I want when I want it. Just to give you a few examples. I do me. I am a human being who follows her heart's guidance. I don’t need to be holy, I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t always have to be the “bigger person” and I don’t always have to know how to do the right thing. What ever the fuck it even is! If I do my best, it is enough. If I don’t keep repeating the same shit again and again, that’s already a lot. If I can love myself fully and trust my own truth and path, that’s already a lot!

All I have to do is to be loyal to myself and leave everyone else's lives alone. For the first time ever in my life, I am standing strongly on my own two feet. Never ever will I take responsibility for another human's journey. Never ever will I listen to someone else telling me how to be or what to do. I will never ever again apologise for who I am! Never ever again will I fit into an image that someone else made for me. 

I have succeeded in making myself feel very loved, safe, full and protected from inside out. That is unbelievable to me! I can’t believe I was able to do this. And to be honest, it almost killed me! It was a very very hard and lonely journey. And still is. But I am here. Breathing. A human being who is going through a spiritual awakening. Missing life after isolating myself for so long. Waiting for clarity to come. Praying for lighter days to come. For joy to come back to my life after this very heavy and long period. 

I got me and that’s the most important thing. I will always have my back. I will never abandon myself again for no one. I am my own bodyguard. And my space is so very sacred.

BEING IN SERVICE

I woke up today and as I was making my coffee I heard a message coming through: “What if you didn’t heal yourself to “serve” others, but for you to create a new, exciting life with more genuine joy?” My soul (Victoria) always does this. Her messages (my insights) come out of the blue in the most weird moments. 

This morning I really needed to break this limiting belief. A box that I had put myself into. 

What does it mean “to serve others”? Really? Is there only this one way that my limited mind could imagine and how others are doing it? Establish a Y-Tube channel? Instagram account? Being a “spiritual teacher” or “coach”? 

For a long time this idea has made me feel quite heavy, if I am totally honest. It doesn’t make my heart sing. I am interested in other peoples stories, but I am not interested in helping them in their healing journeys. I don’t feel like going back to my past and sharing it anymore.I am very okay with all of the happenings until now and I don’t have any need to keep going back there over and over again.  

I am not looking for heaviness in this new life of mine, but lightness, simplicity, easiness, joy. Something that makes my heart and soul sing. So why am I then thinking “I must be at service and help others to heal”? Somewhere along this healing journey I heard someone say: “heal, so you can help others”. And there it was. New belief was created inside of me. 

This morning I have totally thrown this idea to the Universes! I DON’T FREAKING HAVE TO, IF I DON’T WANT TO! As I let go of this, I feel such a load taken off my shoulders and it feels amazing!  

All is energy, right? As I heal, my own individual energy gets lighter and lighter. Now, this doesn’t mean that I have light days everyday. Absolutely not! But, it does mean that I FEEL the heaviness, I don’t become it anymore. So, my individual energy stays light. 

This was a good one! I took my coffee and sat down with this. What does this really mean to me, because as soon as I heard this, I felt so light. 

As I am learning to only listen to myself and to become my unique self, I am faced with all kinds of beliefs that I have taken within me from outside sources. Mostly from the spiritual teachers, since this is an important topic to me. Now I am pulling out all these beliefs that I thought are true to me, as they are for them. I am transforming from group thinking to my unique life signature. 

So, I have had this belief that since I actually went through the healing journey, not reading about it from a book and I actually experienced its ups and downs, my new phase in life would  “be in service to humanity”. How many times have I heard “share your story and this way you help others”. How conditioned are we to “serve others”? Are we selfish if we don’t?

This individual lightness changes the collective energy a little bit lighter. So does each and every soul that has the courage to heal themselves. Now, we know that “the old and heavy” energies are for example business, manipulation, control, planning, disrespect, masks, numbness, conditional love, lying, gossiping, irresponsible behavior, addictions and so on. As I heal, all of this heaviness clears away. As a healed person I can not be anything else than authentic, real, honest (and so much more) and have a unique soul path. 

The idea that we have to be at service to others is another conditioning and now I am throwing this to the Universes too! Well actually, hold on. Let’s not throw it away, but let me tell you how I see it now after this morning revelation. 

If joy and laughter have a high vibe, then am I not “in service”, if I create my life from now on to these values? Am I not the best gift ever to humanity, if I am genuinely enjoying my life and truly love whatever I am going to create and the process of creating? TOTALLY!

My conclusion is that we all are always in service to humanity. One way or another. Each and everyone in our unique ways. For me, I thought, there was only one way to do it, but this idea is now gone! 

I don’t have a glue on what my creative life will look like or what it is I want to create. But I do know (at least in this moment) what it will not be: a long, hard process where I try to collect followers, build my “business” and keep it going forever even if I’m already burnout under it. No. For me there can not be any goals to achieve. I create this, BOOM, it's gone and the next one comes when it comes. Fast, simple, easy and fun! Here the idea came, loved and enjoyed the process and there it goes. Free as a bird! Not sticking or clinging into anything. 

So, I am in service in my unique way all the time. Let things, even creations, flow! Let them flow!

PAST IS NOW PAST

Few days ago I was listening to a podcast as I was walking and it seems that we have come to an end of an era that started in 2008. In this podcast the host was asking listeners to reflect all the way there and write down what has changed since then. Not so much outside, but inside. What he was saying was “write it down and then finally let the past, the old, go.”

My story with my other home, Gambia, started in 2008. First by meeting a person from there. I had never even heard about Gambia! This was also the time when I started my therapy. My inner journey started slowly. Gambia gave me the change to distance myself from the things I needed to heal and I felt so much freer there. Bit by bit, I was also able to “bring in action” my new ways of being. 

The old Saija was liked a lot, because she was funny, didn’t have any boundaries, she was pleasing others, she was not speaking her truth. She didn’t know how to put in words what she wanted. She was totally blogged with her feelings. Unconscious. She didn’t take that much responsibility for her words and actions, but made excuses for her behavior. Even blamed others. She did talk about others behind their backs. Gossiping too. She did put others' well being in front of her own and she did too much, because she wanted to prove to everyone that she is enough! She was doing and doing, being busy and didn’t have a glue how to stop! She didn’t understand that she was running away from the pain to doing, having a huge social circle and drinking alcohol. To mention a few. She went through three burnouts and depression period. In intimate relationships she surely knew how to hurt and sting. She took her shit into others. Her abandonment issues made it impossible to love her or create long lasting relationships with men. This trade also pulled in men who were broken and unavailable. There is sooooo much to add to this, but I don’t want this post to be only about the old Saija. 

I had no clue how much shit I was carrying and once you start to heal yourself it takes time and patience. It truly is like an onion and you have to shed all the layers to get to your true self. 

Broken people break people. That I have learned. I was broken, so for sure, I broke other people as much as they broke me more. So there it is. A very toxic circle that before 2008, I did run away from. 

So, bit by bit I was doing my healing work. Sometimes not even being conscious that it was so. But now looking back, all these years from 2008 have been about healing and clearing.

I don’t quite remember when it was that I came to the crossroads. This is the space where you can stay for years, even for the rest of your life. This is the space where it gets harder and harder. I was in my “love & light” phase without understanding that I was actually bypassing a lot of shit, by thinking that I just send love and light to all and all will be fine. 

My soul (Victoria) stopped me then. I still can hear her voice saying that now, things will get real. Now you have to commit yourself to this inner journey no matter what. You have to commit to yourself 100 % no matter what. Something in me said yes, even if it was scary. 

Oh my and after this commitment, I started to truly feel my emotions and I was faced with practice. It is not enough that you know your patterns and your toxic behavior, you need to bring your new awareness into action. I was tested (and I still am). For example: oh, you want to unlearn people pleasing? Cool! Let’s put you in situations where you have to practise this. Let people come to you and disrespect you BIG TIME and then we’ll see do you have the balls to put a boundary there and how long, how bad does it have to go, before you do.

So day after day, week and month after another, year after year I just kept on going. Faced with challenges where I had to practise being the person I wanted to become. Sometimes I failed badly, sometimes I succeeded greatly. This is how it goes. And actually I don’t believe in failures anymore, because without them, I wouldn’t learn. 

I am not the same person, I was 16 years ago. I am not the same as I was even last week! The transformation keeps going, because I am so committed to me and my healing. I have gotten a lot of shit because of this, but I don’t care. This is my journey. I have learned to be mercifull toward myself and that I don't have to be perfect. I am here to learn and unlike someone else, I am eager to learn. And not only learn, but change my ways of being. I am eager to heal and not afraid to do it. I am still very much committed to me and this is the most important thing.

I already told you guys in the last post who I am now and how I live my life these days, so I will not repeat it here again. All I am going to say here is that my focus is now on the new.

Because I still live in old circumstances it takes a conscious effort to let it go. I do it as much as I can and have mercy towards myself in those days, it can not be done. But more and more, I stay by myself, do my things, love my energy. Not settling less than I deserve. I think I came here to my old home town to let go of my past for good, so that I can move on with love in my heart. No resentment, no bitterness. All forgiven to all, including myself. So thankful for all the people and our history together. Without them, I wouldn’t be healed and free. Having this inner peace, huge wisdom, awareness, self love, self support. Being in charge of my own life. Not bowing to anyone, but respecting everyone for sure. 

Past is the past and there I leave it. Thank you. With all my love.

A NEW DAWN

Oh my, it has been such a long time since I have written anything! I"ve been through such a deep dive within myself that lately I was able to do only the basics. Eat, sleep, have a nap and watch Netflix. Sometimes not even Netflix! I have needed isolation: me time and being. Everything I thought I was has fallen away. Not only outside, but also inside. Who I thought I was, is no more.

Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are still around, but now I am fully in charge. No more "my guides said or my angels said". They might guide me and say things, but I am the one who voices it out, if I do, so all of it is now my responsibility. So no more hiding behind anyone. Human or spirit.

Things have been intense, I am not gonna lie! I am sooooo done with spirituality, lessons, learning, clearing, healing. All of that shit! It has been a fucking long road, 20 years to be exact, and now I feel like "CAN I LIVE FINALLY!?!?!?!" I NEED A BREAK!!!

Isolation forced me to be okey, from deep inside, with being alone. Being alone, but not feel lonely. If I was feeling lonely was, because I was missing "the old Saija" and the way she lived her life. This was all part of the prosess of letting go. You jump between the old and the new. 

Now, I rather be alone than in a toxic invironment or fake people. I enjoy it! The only thing that was fucking me up a bit was the heaviness of the over all energy. It was so heavy that it literally knocked me out and glued me to my sofa. 

BUT, without this heavy energy around me, I wouldn't have stopped. FULLY! My body just haven't had the energy to do anything else than be. And this, my friends, is such a blessing, even though very very uncomfortable! This heavy energy was pushing all kind of shit out of my inner system! 

I can hear people around me saying things like " I don't know how you can just be without doing nothing, I could never do it, I would die!" Yep, that's the fear talking. I know, because I used to be like this. It is not that you can't stop. You can't, because then all the things you have been running away from, will start to come up. And this is what you can't do. Face you! To feel! But you keep busy, I keep feeling (= healing). This shit is not for sheeps, but to lions!

It is so weird to me that the ex social butterfly has now become isolated butterfly. I don't like people in this moment. I love them, but I don't like them. I don't like how we treat each other and this earth. It's animals. The ammount of disrespect, hatered, uncivilized behavior, selfishness, unwillingness to grow, immature and egoistic behavior. No, I don't like people as much as I do love them.  

I like my own energy very much and so I stay connected to me and my inside world. My whole identity has gone through a massive shift! 

What was, is no more. I have become this intuitive self guided master Queen! It is hard for me to listen to anyone else than me and I always get huge anxiety if I do listen to energy updates or fucking angel messages. I have been wondering why, but now I understand that for me, all this is now in the past. I don't need these anymore to guide me or give me answers. I don't need to know what is going to happen. 

The new energy is about trusting myself, my gut feeling, my intuition, my inner compass, my emotions, my own navigating system. It doesn't make sence to anyone else than me and this is how it is supposed to be. I am not looking for validation outside of me, I don't need it. I am tired of spiritual teachings that keep me in a spiral of "there is something wrong with me, because my manifestations have not come true yet" -type of things. Fuck that!

I don't need anyone anymore to tell me what to eat or drink, how to dress, how to act, who to see. I listen to my body and how I feel and act upon this. I carry myself with such a huge integrity now and I don't need to please anyone else, but me. It is such amazing feeling when all the outside noice drops out and you can only hear you. And then to trust this! No more boxes or labels. Just me as a free soul guiding myself in this playground called earth! 

What I have learned in this inner deep dive is that sometimes it is not about me! SHOCKER 😂! It is about something bigger than me and that this force, what ever name you wanna call it, knows the best! It is fucking anoying, but it is what it is. If this force wouldn't have kept me so limited with outside things (money, clothes et cetera) I would have not been able to dive so deep in myself and let go of all I thought I was. For the past 2 1/2 years there has been very small or no outside distractions, so that I can let go of the old identety for good. Limitations are truly a blessing as fucked up as it is!

Now I am bit by bit learning to co-operate with this greater power. Not fight aginst it, but co-operate. This power and my soul are my guiding lights from now on. 

I have never had less then now. No money, only my daughter, no other family, no new clothes, no gym, no work, no car, no direction in life, no plans, no goals, NOTHING! The other day my friend asked me, if I feel poor now that I literally don't have anything and I said absolutely not! I actually don't! I don't even think about myself like that anymore! This means that after all this diving deep, it has guided me to my own inner richness! Without even realizing it, I have started to fill my own cup from inside! How amazing!

With this prosess everything has come energy. Grateful has it's own energy. Sadness it's own. Anger, manipulation, joy, peace. All of it, is energy. As I am learning to be this new person, I don't fake or force anything anymore. I live with the energies that are present in each moment. Sometimes it is anxiety, sometimes it is joy. Sometimes I feel thankfull, sometimes totally fucked up. I have understood that all of these energies just run through me and now I don't try to get away from them or try to force them. Let them flow! The only thing that stays no matter what and what truly is my foundation now, is inner peace. You can't shake that. It is forever present. Unshakeable!

I have been able to fill my own cup, because for the first time EVER in my life, I don't share my energy others. Before you could have taken everything from me and I would have whole heardedly give it you. I kept giving and giving. Money, stuff, my energy. Taking care, trying to save, listening, being a shoulder to cry on. But when everything started to fall away, all that energy was turned inside. I desided that I am worthy of all my attention, so that's what I did. 

This doesn't mean that I don't see my daughter or talk to my friend, but most of the time it was just me and I. Going through this phase in my life has made me respect myself to the roof! Why, because I know what it takes! How hard it is! How humbling it is. I am at aaaah infront of me. 

I have gone through such a huge metamorphosis that it is unspeakable! Only those who have gone through it know what I am talking about and how much courage it takes! I truly didn't think I will make it! I was sure I am going to die within this prosess! And who knows when I die, but right now, I am still here!

I am still bruised. I feel veryl vulnerable. I am tired. But I am here! 

I have given birth to this new identity and a new way of living! I don't have a clue how this is going to look like from now on, because this way of living is about trust, faith and intuition. It is not about plans, control, goals or busyness. You have to be okey with not knowing. The uncertainty. The surpricess. Now, I live in a moment. There is this deep deep peace inside of me and it can not be shaken. This my lovies is the true freedom!!!!  

This inner journey will continue as long as I live, but now it is a natural prosess and I don't have to think about it. I don't need to know every fucking thing, I don't need to know why. I just need to allow and keep FEELING! This level of trust I have now towards myself, is beond anything I could have ever imagined. I am open to learn, but I am my own guiding system. Guru if you will. 

It is amazing feeling to love myself as much as I do! It is so empowering to be guided by me! I trust that I will guide me forward to the next phase of my life! In my new life there is no "manifestation". Instead there is: "I don't know anything, but my intuition will tell me what and when, when the timing is right"! 

I have reset myself to a being, that I was so far away from. You know how the animals have this sense that something is about to happen and they run, before humans even realize something is going on? I have become this "animal like" intuitive being and it feel so natural and real! How far our fear based world had taken me from my true self!?!?! In this state of being, I just am. 

For me this is a new dawn! This takes away all the stress and what is left is living! Just pure living! What it will look like, who knows and who cares! I am free from all of the slavery of this world! I can not be put in any boxes or labels anymore! I am a free soul who came here to play! To create! To have fun! To thrive! To experience lifes full magic and surprices!!

A new dawn is here.

GOOD PERSON VERSUS NICE PERSON

I am learning so much about relationships. These past few years it has been all about this or at least it feels like that. How blind have I been to my own behavior before and how differently I see things now. I must say that I have matured a lot!

Before it was so important to have lots of social contacts. It was very important to me to get along with everybody and the ammount of shit I have taken from others because of this. And don't get me wrong, the little draumatized girl in me, also was behaving badly. 

Before I might done things that hurt people and I was very aware about that factor. But my pleasure in that moment was more important then the shit I had to deal with afterwards. I had so little respect towards myself, so how could I have respected others?

Since the relationships have been the big deal lately, I have realized that people pleasing is a very toxic behavior pattern. Not only are you disrespecting yourself by pleasing others and bypassing shitty behavior, but people pleaser don't have any boundaries. A people pleaser cares about what others think too much and are very scared that someone gets angry at them and will not like them anymore. 

People pleaser has a very very low selfesteem. 

"A people pleaser personality means a person feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. They may feel that their wants and needs do not matter and they can alter their personality around others." 

This is why a people pleaser can never be authentic and honest.

Being "mr nice guy" is more important then selfrespect and selflove. I was not aware at all how much this behavior hurt me. But now, one person at the time, the people in my life are teaching me to let go of this people pleasing behavior. When someone does something disrespectful to me, I feel it in my whole body! 

I can not "let it slide" anymore. Before I would have been scared to loose them, if I say something, but now, I don't care. I am the most important person in my life and if I don't stand up for me, who will? How can I expect loyalty from others, if I don't have it towards myself? I have to take care of me, as I expect others to care for me.

For me, a good person is someone who is not afraid to dive deep in their soul. They are willing to do the inner work, instead of repeating the same shit again and again. A good person might fuck up, but they are willing to learn,  take responsibility of their actions and have pure intention NOT to do the same mistake again. A good person is changing this world into more mature and loving place and this is something a people pleaser can never do! 

I remember this saying: "If you bow to a person in front of you remember, at the same time, you are showing your ass to another behind you." 

This to me, is people pleasing. You can not win! Someone will always get upset! There will always be drama and other bullshit. After you didn't have the guts to confront this one, but "you took their side", the other one gets angry, because you took the other ones side. Lot of backstabing and gossiping. Lot of behind someones back talks. Huoh. A very toxic and vicious circle! 

But if you aim to become a good person, you start from you. You think of your actions, before acting. You think of your words, before saying them. You choose wisely the people you want close to you. You will have their back, no matter what, just as they will have yours. No matter if someone gets angry or upset. No one will disrespect you or your family and friends! A good person truly values themselves and this means they truly value the people in their life. They don't betray, but stay loyal. People pleser can never do this. 

A good person loves and respects themselves a lot and this energy is spread to the environment and to everyone they meet. A good person don't create drama or hurt. People pleaser does. A good person knows how to set boundaries with clarity and truth, not by being mean or calling names or by blame. 

A good person takes this world forward with love and honor, not with power and force. Not by games and lies. But with authenticity, inner power, clarity, honesty and the biggest thing.... No bullshit from anyone! A good person teaches us to mature and stop playing small. 

If this whole world would learn how to be a good person instead of a nice person, this world would be a totally different place. 

Well, this is my goal! To become a good person! When I look at this world and I see the lack of awareness, it sometimes shocks me! How can we be so blind to our own behavior? How can we be so imature? How is it that we can not see that hurt people hurt people? But. I know that this was me before and all I can say is thank god my soul guided me to awaken to my own bullshit and it guided me to stop hurting me and from that hurt inner place, others. 

I know I am becoming a good person and for that I am very proud! It has not been easy, but the way I feel inside now I know, it was worth the pain and letting go's!

LIMITATIONS ARE BLESSINGS?

We are taught that limitations are negative. I am sure that all of us got aware of limitations when the whole world stoped few years back. Then we were not able to travel as we wanted, there were curfews and so on. We felt like our freedom was taken away. 

We can also feel limited by lack. Lack of money, lack of relationships, lack of health and so on. Since I am learning new ways of being I have been eager to learn more about shifting my mindset and seeing "glass half full" instead of "glass half empty". I am not trying to force anything, even new ways of thinking, but I am intriguined on how to see things in a new light. 

I have felt very limited last couple of years. I have limited resourses, no creativity, less and less people around me and so on. I am very okey and at peace with this, but of cause, as a human, I wonder what the hell is going on. 

Well, today I learned something new about "limitations" and I want to share this fascinating info with you. A new way to look at "limitations". Or lack for that matter.

I believe that we are here to learn. Learn about ourselves, learn how to unconditionally love ourselves, how to have healthy self respect and boundaries. And so on. 

The way I see is that we are here to mature and evolve and take this world towards more loving way of living. We are here to learn how to combine our soul with our bodies. I could not live without taking care of my soul as much as I take care of my body. 

My own experience is that everything and everybody I see in my life, reflects some part of myself. For example, some relationships just naturally fade away, because we are in a different place energetically. Why this also happens, in my own experiense, is because maybe the person who you are not connecting as before, has traits you used to had in you, but not anymore. This is why you can not relate anymore.

As I do my inner work, my energy changes. My behavior changes. I am changing and as I have written before, we outgrow people, situations and even places. This is natural. And now we get to what I learned today about the limitations. 

If we only look at limitations from minds perspective, we loose the positive side of it. We have to look at it from the souls perspective, so that we can see and understand the bigger meaning behind it. 

Imagine a river or a stream where the water is running. The way the water runs is being guided by banks. Banks create "a path" for the water. Now the water knows where to flow instead of "going all over the place". This kind of path is created to us also with limitations. They create this energetic container for us to stop, look inside, to learn more about ourselves. To keep us "on the right track". 

In this world there are so many possibilities, options and info that without any limits, we would come crazy. It would just be too much to handle. I used to worked like crazy and took too much on my schedule and at the end it was impossible to handle it all. I didn't have any limits. Until burnout stopped me. The Universe stepped in. It was an intervention!

So, if we don't create limits to ourselves, the Universe does it for us. It is like a loving father who stops us from breaking ourselves. We get sick or depressed and so on. One way or another the Universe will stop us. Why, because it wants us to get quiet, turn inwards and listen to our soul, our hearts. Get back on track. And learn, learn, learn!

 I loved this metaphor I heard today:

"Think about a bee that takes its time in one flower. It is patient, persistant and diggs deep and as a reward, he gets the most best nectarine ever from that flower. Compare this to a bee that is flying from flower to flower and only gets the juice from the top level of the flower (superficial life). This bee will never get to taste the divine nectarine that was available for him all along."

Limitation or lack is a beautiful gift from the Universe! How do I react if I don't have money? How do I feel if I am in a place that doesn't resonate with me anymore at all? What do I have to let go and do so that I could move on?

Once you know your limitations (inner and outer), you create an energetic container for yourself. Now you know what the boundaries are and you can actually relax. This is where the real creativity starts to happen. Think about a painter. He sets up his container = limits = boundaries first. What is it that he wants to paint? Water colors or acryl colors? What colors he is going to use and so on. Once this container is set, the creativity can flow freely. 

We are like children who need clear boundaries. A child needs very clear guidelines and within them, they feel safe. Children don't have the capasity yet to create them by themselves. And as we grow up, our energy containers get bigger, but we still have to take care of our limitations. 

Limits, the energy container created by the Universe, gives us a change to dive deep into our beeing in every way. The space (limitation/container) is created, because it is needed. It doesn't matter if we are aware of this need or not. It is needed, if it happens. These limitations are the spaces where the inner growth happens! 

So, limitation is actually just another way for the Universe to take care of you, so that you don't get overwhelmed by the external. It gives you the space and time to internally get ready for your next phase. Let go of the old (beliefs, fears, behavior and so on), so that you create a bigger container for the new!

Limitations give us the guidelines in which to function in each moment, so that you can relax and learn all the lessons needed. Your heart knows how to set these limitations and by following its guidance, you will always have right kind of container you need in that moment. This serves you, it never "limits" you. 

And truly, after this almost two years of "limitation", this stagnate situation, I start to see the blessings. How much I have changed! How different I am from this person who came here less than two years ago! Without this space given to me, I would have never ever grown inside this fast! How cool is this? How can it NOT be a huge blessing?!?

Ah, this Universe works in mysterious ways! Like a child, I might first get a tantrum and fight against it, but then I accept, settle down, get inner peace and from there, the inner wisdom and the lessons. Huoh, I absolutely love it! If I could only learn NOT to fight against "what is", but instead would learn how to relax and trust. Sometimes it is just so that things don't go as we want, but the way they are meant to. 

True freedom is beond our limiting beliefs! What is it that truly limits us? It is only our own mind! And that, my lovies, is something we can work on!

ISOLATION HAPPINESS

For the longest time I have had this feeling of "not belonging" anywhere. I mean I have friends and family of cause, but somehow my lifestory is being the outsider. I am very very sure that there are many of us who don't seem to fit in or have this feeling of "not belonging". 

I resisted this for the longest time, so I tried and tried. I hanged on to my old life like my "life would depend on it". I called, I suggested dates, I made the affort. Sometimes it did work, sometimes not. I always had the time, but people are living busy lives and so the calls and the meetings got less and less. 

Until finally, I desided to let go. Fully. I was thinking that the people who really care and in whose priority list I was in, would definitaly contact me. I basically stopped forcing any connections, I stopped glinning and attaching and just let go. 

And it got silent. For sure, I got calls every now ant then, but there was only one person left, who really made the effort, always had time for me and everything between us is somehow so easy and flowing. It is so natural.

Well anyway. At first I felt so alone. I was in Finland where I didn't feel comfortable and now, I didn't really have people with who to build my life here. As we all know these last years have been quite intense for all of us, so I felt like I was left alone in a fucked up situtation where I would have needed support. Until.

I saw one of my acquaintance and we had a Shaman Drum healing session. Oh my god, how powerful it was. She could see this wound of deep deep loneliness that I have been carring ever since I was born. Even in my past lives. I don't know what happenned in that session, but that deep deep feeling of aloness just disappeared! It was so strange at first, because this "not belonging" had been such a big part of my personality and now it was gone!

I was fine! I was okey being by myself! Actually, I even prefer it! How cool is that!

And then I understood why I have had this feeling for so long. It is only after I had cleared a lot of old shit that I could truly start to get to know "the new me". In a deeper level. This can not happen, if I am busy and always surrounded by lot of people. And the crazy thing is, I am now very okey without people!

I love my own energy! It is light, I love the joy that I have inside of me and I love the way my soul and body are guiding me everyday! Sometimes I am tired in the morning, but I try to force myself for a walk. So I dress, I go outside and pum! My body is like "no, not now, maybe not today" and I have to turn back inside and back to the sofa. I love just being and watching the trees from my big windows. I love the slow way of living without any schedules to follow. How happy can a person be just by lying on the sofa under a warm blanket!

I am so happy for this isolation, because I know this is what I need right now. For the first time, I am putting all my focus on me without any distractions. Why I felt so alone and had this feeling of "not beloning" was, because I was not giving enough attention to myself! I was always looking for this feeling outside of me while it was always already here, inside of me!

I found my way home, to me and ever since, there has not been this feeling of "not belonging" anymore. I belong, because I was born here on this earth! If and when there will be people in my life, they are just a beautiful extra in my life, but there are no attachments or expectations what so ever!

It is so beautiful when I surrendered to this phase in my life, to this isolation, how much my inner peace has grown! I know that what ever is meant for me, will find me and will come when it is time. This isolation that has lasted for so long with only few people in my life, has been needed. 

I am in a state where I am bit by bit discovering "what is my purpose". Why am I here on earth. Before and yet still now, my purpose has been healing and clearing. Bit by bit I am, however, starting to get courious about passions. I have lived a life dictated by others, but now it is my turn. I am taking the wheel of my life and I am the only one driving. I don't care what others say or think. Let them.

I know that I am living a very different life than my busy friends. My goal is not to be busy, but to create. My goal is to take very good care of my inner peace. I don't have time for drama or conflicts anymore. My goal is to take it easy and enjoy my life more. My goal is to have more fun and do more of those things that I love (as soon as I discover what they are 😂). Well, I guess at least I know what I don't want and that is a good starting point. 

As this isolation goes on and this "digging deep" moves deeper, I start to understand the quote: "everything is already inside of you". This is such a new thing for me still. From inside out, I know this and yet, I did still look the answers from outside of me. 

Well, this is a new thing and so I keep practising. I am eager to learn more about me and "how can I fill my cup". I understand now that I needed to empty my inside in order to get to know me. Everything everything happens first inside, before it can manifest in a physical form! This requires patience, courage, time and isolation. 

This world feels heavy, but in my own space, I feel lighter and peaceful. So sometimes I go out, sometimes not and now all of this is okey. I allow people and things come to me and I want this to happen naturally. Sometimes I am availabe, sometimes not. 

It is okey to let go, this is life and letting go is part of it. I want all my relationships be like they would be "the birds in the palm of the Universe": If you allow them to fly free and they love you, they will always come back. Not by force, but because they want to, by free will with support and commitment". That is what unconditional love is. It is based on trust, truth, effort and loyalty. 

For now, I am enjoying my isolation phase fully! I am very excited to see where I am heading. Allowing life to be a mystery, I actually get more excited then if I would go mountain climing. I am this important to me! All I know right now is that this phase is needed and that I will be moving soon. Oh yes and that I love music and writing! 

For me, this is quite enough right now! What next minute, next day or week will bring, let it stay a mistery and let me be surpriced!

ENERGY LANGUAGE

I am so fascinated about energies. I have been aware of different energies for a long time and yet I feel like I have only touched the surface. I am eager to learn more! The more I clean my inner being, the more energies I feel. How cool!

You know the feeling when you enter the room and straight away you can sence the atmosphere? This is how sensitive we are to energies without being fully aware of it! Everything and everyone effects us a lot, because everything and everyone has their own unique energy. I call it "the energy language". 

Every country, every city, every person has their own unique energy language and now I want to share something personal. 

Today I want to share a personal picture that shocked me when I made it. The difference is so huge. This picture is a perfect excample of the energy language. What happens when the energy language is aligned with your own. You will find the picture little later on the text. 

So, as you know, I was born and raised in Finland. The country of the Santa Clause and the country where they say are the happiest people in the world (I am sorry, but this is a statement I am questioning big time 😂). 

As I started to go deeper into my traumas I realized that I need space from Finland and my home town. Basically from everything here. Not, because I was mad or because I was blaiming anybody, but just for me. To have the energetic space to feel, heal and spend time with myself. 

So I headed to Africa and for sure, not only healing, but to learn a lot of new skills that I didn't have before. This invironment forced me to learn relaxation, letting go of control, to set boundaries. Bit by bit I started to come more feminine. Specially later in my years there (since I have been there on/off for 14 years), I started to enjoy my feminine features more. 

This space from Finland also gave my soul a change to expand! I found so much new features from myself! Finland has a very limiting energy that keeps my soul very contracted. Finnish people carry a lot of shame and guilt and we are taught from a very small kids not to keep noice, to be humple and if something good happens, don't "brag" about it, but keep it to yourself. 

When everything is very controlled, it takes the joy out of life. The busy lifestyle that we have here doesn't leave any room for relaxation. You have to do do do all the time or you are a very bad person. I am sure that this mentality will be found from other countries too, not only Finland. 

Africa is about hassling, but somehow the energy still is different then here in Europe. When I was walking in the streets, I can say that everybody greets you. So you are seen! Even the strangers give you compliments and again, you are seen. This does boost your selfconfidence. No matter what anybody says, my own truth is, that the outside world HAS TO support your own being energetically and this makes you shine, expand! You can love yourself fully, like I do, but when the invironment doesn't support this, it is hard. To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable here and this has nothing to do with my self-esteem or the love that I have towards myself. I just don't fit into this energy, period.

Now, I want to make it very clear that I am not writing this to put Finland down and Africa up. No no. This is about me! This is about the energy language of these two countries. This is about my own energy language that has changed so much after a lot of healing. I have just outgrown the energy language of Finland. That's all. This is not a judgement towards the country I was born in and also this is not a statement that life in Africa is like a paradise! There are good and less good features in both!

This is about becoming aware of what suits you. What energy language you feel the most aligned with. 

Now, I will show you the picture. This is what happenned to me physically when I left Finland in 2019. I was 51 years old. I went back home to Africa in March after being in Finland about a year. It was just before the covid. The picture on the right side was taken about two years later, so I would be 53 years old. I was shocked when I saw the difference. This is what literally happens when the energy language is a match with yours!

To be honest, I started to cry when I saw this picture. It gave me so much understanding about how I feel when I am in Finland. I was trying and trying and trying to fit in and feel alive here. I seriously though that there was something wrong with me, because I can't.

It is very dangerous when in spiritual circles we use quotes like: "when you can be happy where you are, you will be happy anywhere" or "be grateful for what you have" or "life happens for you, not to you". OMG, these frases make me so angry, because for me this is total bullshit! What a fucking mental rape it is to say something like this to someone when they are experiencing something heavy in their life! We really really need to break all the old spiritual boxes and understand that we are energy and we have our own energy language! And some people, places and countries support your energy language more then others! 

When you are aligned with your own unique energy language, gratefulness and gratitude comes naturally. It just happens! You don't have to force it. When you feel your heart is singing, how can you not be grateful? In those moments, I surely don't take nothing, absolutely even the smallest thing, for granted!

My authentic truth at this very moment, here in Finland is that I am at peace with the situation and not trying to force things to move forward, but am I happy? No fucking way! I want more! I want to shine! I want to feel lighter! I want to laugh and bring the woman in me outside to play for everyone to see! I am loud, I am emotional, I have fire and fuck! I need more energetic space!

So, even if this picture made me cry, because at the moment I do look like the lady on the left side (not a critism towards myself, just a fact), it also gave me a huge feeling of relief! It finally hit me that no matter what I would do here, even if I would stand on my head for days, the energy that I need to expand, can't be found here. I finally stopped forcing myself to this energy mode and gave myself permission to leave. To live somewhere else. 

So, the lesson of this writing I guess is, that everything around us effects our being big time! Choose wisely! If I wouldn't have gone to Africa for a holiday long time ago, I would have never ever had the experience of how much my own energy can change and expand! Thank god I did! 

Ps. This expandion in your energy language happens for example, when you go for a holiday. Isn't it so that on a holiday you are more open, free and relaxed? And can you imagine, that this expanded version of you just might be who you truly are! Just saying... 

I know that eventually I am heading towards energies that support my soul and my being and for that I am so happy. And yes grateful too 😍😅!

OH MY GOD!

As I am continuing my own unique journey, I for sure, am breaking all the boxes I used to believed in. Freedom to me is a state of mind and finally understanding that no label can define my soul. I just am me. All of me. Period.

You can call me sister or wife, but deep inside I am free from those labels. I am a soul who came here to play with other souls no matter what label we try to put into ourselves. Freedom.

You can say I am Finnish, because I was born in Finland, but deep inside I know, I was born on earth without borders and that the whole world is my playground. Not just Finland, but the whole world. Freedom.

Because I went through a yoga teacher training, you can try to put me in a box called yoga teacher, but to me, it is just another skill on my tool box. It was another way to get to know my soul. Freedom. 

I believe in some bigger force, let's call it the Universe. I don't belong into any religious movements, because my religion goes beyond human made institutions. Mostly, I believe in myself, so I can believe in others. Freedom.

All my human life (or lives), there has been institutions that are controlling us in so many ways. Coverments, religions, families, race, cultures and so on. Today religion came to my mind, because my grandmother was quite religious and I remember we even went to Sunday school with my sister as a child. For some reason I never could really relate with any form of religion. I did feel peace and somehow more connected to some bigger force when I was in church, but something in me knew that I don't need to put my spirit into a box named by someone else. 

All religions are, at the end, based in fear and they are man made. Based in control. Don't do this or that or you will go to hell. If you think differently or you dare to question anything, you will be abondned. If you don't believe as we do, there will be a war. Women don't have the same rights as men and the priests are misusing their positions. Even cults are formed based on Jeesus or God. 

This is not for me, because the way I see it is that god is love and love doesn't control with fear. It doesn't demand anything, it just is and accepts everything and everyone just as they are. What I have discovered is that I am god and so are you.

Genesis 1:27 says: 

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

As I am freeing myself more and more, I have to break the box of religion too. Religion is too limiting when the Universe is everything. Freedom.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a judgement towards any religion or religious movement. Everybody has a right to have their own beliefs.

It is just that for me, it doesn't work, because as the sentence above says very clearly, we are the images of God. We are it!

And this is something we have forgotten. We are giving our own God abilities into the hands of someone else. And all this time, as we pray to some "man" outside of us, we are actually praying to ourselves! It is not once or twice that I have been praying, because I do pray. It is just that lately I have understood that I am actually praying myself to help myself. 

"You're the only one who can save yourself." - Jackson MacKenzie -

From the experience I can say that this is true and if I have this kind of power, it is a big thing! And to me, this is a proof that I am the image of God. Inside of me I have a part of this big force we call the Universe.

As I understood that only I can save myself and I started to do my inner work, things started to happen, nice events and not so nice events, so that I could find my way into my own heart, my own power and my own peace. And this is the God, the force in me, that no one outside of me can ever take away. 

Because we have been so controlled and manipulated, I don't think we truly understand how powerful we are! Even me, I am just starting to understand glimpses of it. 

As I do my inner work, my inner peace grows. I get less reactive, I don't create drama or participate into others drama. I am becoming more loving and gentle. I have more compation and empathy. I am accepting everything and everybody as they are without any judgement. I know how to take care of me and I stand firmly in my own truth. So, I am starting to see everything from a higher perpective. Before all I could see was my own little world and the problems in it. It was all about me and my little life. Now it is different.

I am still very important, but at the same time I start to understand that I am part of something bigger. Something that a human mind can not explain or ever understand. What ever I do, affects the whole world, because it affects the collective energy. 

So what kind of a God do I want to be? The kind that creates more misery and fear or the kind that creates more love, compation and acceptence? More freedom (ps. remember that true freedom comes with huge responsibility!)?

As I am the image of God, my job as a human is to create a better world in co-operation with the bigger force that I call the Universe. It starts from me. Step by step. First by saving myself and from there, allowing my energy to expand further to everyone I meet. 

Oh my God! I love this! It is so powerful when you finally take the magic wand into your own hands. I am the creator! I am the one I used to prayed for. I am. And this, this is freedom!

HERO'S JOURNEY

In this world inner work is not valued at all. As we chase money and fame, we hurt, betray and kill along the way. For ages there has been many beutiful people who have been trying to fight for love and peace. And yet, it has not happenned. We still keep on hurting our closest people, because we are hurt. Traumaticed. If plan A is not working, how is it that we can not see, that we need is start plan B. And this, this is called "the hero's journey".

Me and Victoria wanted to have a chat about this today.

I don't know what in me awakenned and I started therapy. I do remember that is was yet another bad experience with men. It is like the same shit repeated itself over and over. Just the faces were changing. I didn't understand it then, but even with the help of therapy, I still kept repeating the same stories. Only now, after 15 years of healing and after very hard experiences I can only hope that I know better. 

"Yes, my love. You are here to learn how to truly love yourself. Unconditionally. This is something this world don't know much about yet. Humans think they do, but the truth is the opposite. This is why we need plan B and that is the inner work. Only by healing oneself, can we heal the world. Until then, the same stories keep repeating as you have seen in your own life", says Victoria.

This is true. I know that as I heal myself, I get lighter and lighter inside. My inner peace keeps growing and I don't react.... well, basically to anything. I observe, I am aware, but I don't participate. 

"This inner journey is a heroic journey. If it would be so easy, everybody would do it. But it is not. It is messy, painful, requires a lot of patience and mirrowing. The deeper inside you go, the more you start to question everything. Your life, your values, the people in your life, your job, your relationships and so on. This is very scary to people. Loosing what you have is so scary, so you settle. You settle for a job you don't like or a relationship that might satisfy your basic needs, but leaves you empty inside. And when you do this, you start to feel angry. Resentful. And you get angry. You start to get irretated and eventually, you start to take this bad feeling outside of yourself. To your go-workers, to your partner, to your kids, to someone driving a car next to you, to your neighbour."

"Humans think that they are good when they don't hurt others with violence. That is not true. As long as your actions or words hurt someone, anyone, you are part of the problem here on earth. If you judge, manipulate, lie, cheat and so on, you are part of the problem. Unhealed, wounded individual who creates more hurt as you go", says Victoria. 

"This is why we call this inner healing journey a "Hero's journey". It is only for those who chose in this life time to be brave enough to do this. This is one of the hardest things you can do as a human and as you said in the beginning, it is so not valued in this world. And yet, the difference you make to the whole collective as you heal, is huge! Bit by bit, one individual at the time, the collective energy is changing."

"And as the collective energy gets lighter, more noice the darkness will keep. This is the by product of the healing all of you are brinning into this world."

"It is no more about "fighting against", but doing your inner work. Only this way, we can truly change the world. It is about facing your demons, so that they can not hurt you or anyone else anymore. It is those demons inside of you that need love the most. They need to be seen and heard, huged and healed", says Victoria. 

Well, for someone who was always looking for compliments from others and trying to get validations for my actions, I find it very interesting, that as I am healing, I don't care about any of this anymore. 

I am doing my "job" just by being. Healing and changing my own energy is something that happens by being. I lay on my sofa and breath. Or maybe I sleep, because when I sleep, I am totally relaxed and my body and soul are free to work when my mind is not on the way. Or maybe I go for a walk, so that my energy system can get fresh air. Or I do some twerking, because this shaking releases old energy from my body. This work is invisible to the outside. And let me remind you that it is not a "9 to 5 job", but ongoing 24/7 job with no salary what so ever!

"I am so proud of you love", says Victoria. "I am so proud of everybody who are doing their inner work, their healing work. No one notices it. You get lot of blaim from others. You get a lot of reactions from others. You get so very little understanding and feel so alone sometimes. And the thing is, the more you heal, the more you feel. Things that you didn't feel before. The heaviness of the world. Other peoples energies. And so you have to isolate yourself a lot."

"I feel such a huge sympathy towards all the people who came to this earth in this lifetime to do this. I am so very proud of all of you that words are not enough descripe it. You are all so unvalued and unsupported by this world in every way."

"But let me asure you that as more and more people awaken and start their own hero's journey, things will shift for your favor. Old systems will start to collaps, all the corruption, all the abuse, everything like this, will start to come to the surface. Not only collectivly, but in peoples lives. All that is not based on truth, will eventually be exposed. And this, will start to awaken people more."

"The sea, it is made of billions of drops. So it is with the collective energy grid. Each and everyone is connected to this grid and as the healing goes on and more and more people join this journey, the grid starts to change. Change for more loving, more caring, more truthful and more unconditional. This is how the change is made in the world. Not by "fighting againgst", but BECOMING the change you want to see in the world. One person, one drop, at the time. And this, my love, is the plan B: The Hero's Journey", says Victoria.

I love it and I am very proud to be one of the hero's among so many others. This job is silent, not visible and yet, we keep doing it. Not only for ourselves, but for the earth, for others, for humanity. We all have this deep desire to see this world as a loving place where everyone is accepted and appriciated. Where each and everyone is seen as beautiful and where everyone can be just as unique as they are. 

This, my friends, is the hero's journey. You can not impress me anymore by big cars or tittles or money. But I am very humple in front of all these hero's who have come to earth at this time to heal and change the world. I am at aaah! because I know what it takes to do this. I salut you my sisters and brothers, who are doing this with me. Even if no one else gives you credit and recognition, I do. With all my heart. 

We will outshine this darkness. Love will always win. Always. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you 💕