A NEW DAWN

Oh my, it has been such a long time since I have written anything! I"ve been through such a deep dive within myself that lately I was able to do only the basics. Eat, sleep, have a nap and watch Netflix. Sometimes not even Netflix! I have needed isolation: me time and being. Everything I thought I was has fallen away. Not only outside, but also inside. Who I thought I was, is no more.

Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are still around, but now I am fully in charge. No more "my guides said or my angels said". They might guide me and say things, but I am the one who voices it out, if I do, so all of it is now my responsibility. So no more hiding behind anyone. Human or spirit.

Things have been intense, I am not gonna lie! I am sooooo done with spirituality, lessons, learning, clearing, healing. All of that shit! It has been a fucking long road, 20 years to be exact, and now I feel like "CAN I LIVE FINALLY!?!?!?!" I NEED A BREAK!!!

Isolation forced me to be okey, from deep inside, with being alone. Being alone, but not feel lonely. If I was feeling lonely was, because I was missing "the old Saija" and the way she lived her life. This was all part of the prosess of letting go. You jump between the old and the new. 

Now, I rather be alone than in a toxic invironment or fake people. I enjoy it! The only thing that was fucking me up a bit was the heaviness of the over all energy. It was so heavy that it literally knocked me out and glued me to my sofa. 

BUT, without this heavy energy around me, I wouldn't have stopped. FULLY! My body just haven't had the energy to do anything else than be. And this, my friends, is such a blessing, even though very very uncomfortable! This heavy energy was pushing all kind of shit out of my inner system! 

I can hear people around me saying things like " I don't know how you can just be without doing nothing, I could never do it, I would die!" Yep, that's the fear talking. I know, because I used to be like this. It is not that you can't stop. You can't, because then all the things you have been running away from, will start to come up. And this is what you can't do. Face you! To feel! But you keep busy, I keep feeling (= healing). This shit is not for sheeps, but to lions!

It is so weird to me that the ex social butterfly has now become isolated butterfly. I don't like people in this moment. I love them, but I don't like them. I don't like how we treat each other and this earth. It's animals. The ammount of disrespect, hatered, uncivilized behavior, selfishness, unwillingness to grow, immature and egoistic behavior. No, I don't like people as much as I do love them.  

I like my own energy very much and so I stay connected to me and my inside world. My whole identity has gone through a massive shift! 

What was, is no more. I have become this intuitive self guided master Queen! It is hard for me to listen to anyone else than me and I always get huge anxiety if I do listen to energy updates or fucking angel messages. I have been wondering why, but now I understand that for me, all this is now in the past. I don't need these anymore to guide me or give me answers. I don't need to know what is going to happen. 

The new energy is about trusting myself, my gut feeling, my intuition, my inner compass, my emotions, my own navigating system. It doesn't make sence to anyone else than me and this is how it is supposed to be. I am not looking for validation outside of me, I don't need it. I am tired of spiritual teachings that keep me in a spiral of "there is something wrong with me, because my manifestations have not come true yet" -type of things. Fuck that!

I don't need anyone anymore to tell me what to eat or drink, how to dress, how to act, who to see. I listen to my body and how I feel and act upon this. I carry myself with such a huge integrity now and I don't need to please anyone else, but me. It is such amazing feeling when all the outside noice drops out and you can only hear you. And then to trust this! No more boxes or labels. Just me as a free soul guiding myself in this playground called earth! 

What I have learned in this inner deep dive is that sometimes it is not about me! SHOCKER 😂! It is about something bigger than me and that this force, what ever name you wanna call it, knows the best! It is fucking anoying, but it is what it is. If this force wouldn't have kept me so limited with outside things (money, clothes et cetera) I would have not been able to dive so deep in myself and let go of all I thought I was. For the past 2 1/2 years there has been very small or no outside distractions, so that I can let go of the old identety for good. Limitations are truly a blessing as fucked up as it is!

Now I am bit by bit learning to co-operate with this greater power. Not fight aginst it, but co-operate. This power and my soul are my guiding lights from now on. 

I have never had less then now. No money, only my daughter, no other family, no new clothes, no gym, no work, no car, no direction in life, no plans, no goals, NOTHING! The other day my friend asked me, if I feel poor now that I literally don't have anything and I said absolutely not! I actually don't! I don't even think about myself like that anymore! This means that after all this diving deep, it has guided me to my own inner richness! Without even realizing it, I have started to fill my own cup from inside! How amazing!

With this prosess everything has come energy. Grateful has it's own energy. Sadness it's own. Anger, manipulation, joy, peace. All of it, is energy. As I am learning to be this new person, I don't fake or force anything anymore. I live with the energies that are present in each moment. Sometimes it is anxiety, sometimes it is joy. Sometimes I feel thankfull, sometimes totally fucked up. I have understood that all of these energies just run through me and now I don't try to get away from them or try to force them. Let them flow! The only thing that stays no matter what and what truly is my foundation now, is inner peace. You can't shake that. It is forever present. Unshakeable!

I have been able to fill my own cup, because for the first time EVER in my life, I don't share my energy others. Before you could have taken everything from me and I would have whole heardedly give it you. I kept giving and giving. Money, stuff, my energy. Taking care, trying to save, listening, being a shoulder to cry on. But when everything started to fall away, all that energy was turned inside. I desided that I am worthy of all my attention, so that's what I did. 

This doesn't mean that I don't see my daughter or talk to my friend, but most of the time it was just me and I. Going through this phase in my life has made me respect myself to the roof! Why, because I know what it takes! How hard it is! How humbling it is. I am at aaaah infront of me. 

I have gone through such a huge metamorphosis that it is unspeakable! Only those who have gone through it know what I am talking about and how much courage it takes! I truly didn't think I will make it! I was sure I am going to die within this prosess! And who knows when I die, but right now, I am still here!

I am still bruised. I feel veryl vulnerable. I am tired. But I am here! 

I have given birth to this new identity and a new way of living! I don't have a clue how this is going to look like from now on, because this way of living is about trust, faith and intuition. It is not about plans, control, goals or busyness. You have to be okey with not knowing. The uncertainty. The surpricess. Now, I live in a moment. There is this deep deep peace inside of me and it can not be shaken. This my lovies is the true freedom!!!!  

This inner journey will continue as long as I live, but now it is a natural prosess and I don't have to think about it. I don't need to know every fucking thing, I don't need to know why. I just need to allow and keep FEELING! This level of trust I have now towards myself, is beond anything I could have ever imagined. I am open to learn, but I am my own guiding system. Guru if you will. 

It is amazing feeling to love myself as much as I do! It is so empowering to be guided by me! I trust that I will guide me forward to the next phase of my life! In my new life there is no "manifestation". Instead there is: "I don't know anything, but my intuition will tell me what and when, when the timing is right"! 

I have reset myself to a being, that I was so far away from. You know how the animals have this sense that something is about to happen and they run, before humans even realize something is going on? I have become this "animal like" intuitive being and it feel so natural and real! How far our fear based world had taken me from my true self!?!?! In this state of being, I just am. 

For me this is a new dawn! This takes away all the stress and what is left is living! Just pure living! What it will look like, who knows and who cares! I am free from all of the slavery of this world! I can not be put in any boxes or labels anymore! I am a free soul who came here to play! To create! To have fun! To thrive! To experience lifes full magic and surprices!!

A new dawn is here.