A HUMAN BEING HAVING A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE

More and more louder this small voice inside of me keeps whispering to me that “ You are unique!”, “Your life path is unique!”. Forget about others, concentrate only on you! And on some level I have known this, but this time these sentences sink deep into my awareness. "Let go, let them!" my soul shouts!

Lately I have also questioned all that I have learned from spiritual teachings throughout the years of my awakening. Everything makes sense and at the same time it all feels very very old to me. As I keep going deeper and deeper into my being, the less I care what once was. What I thought was true to me. 

I don’t follow so many “spiritual teachers” anymore, but https://www.instagram.com/neutrinoastrology I do every now and then. And he said something in his recent video about how it is impossible for others to understand what you are going through or how you are feeling. Not on a deep level. If I hit my toe and I feel the pain of it, my friend can not know how it feels, because she is not experiencing it. Even if she would hit her toe too still, her pain would be different, unique to her, than mine. I could relate, but not truly feel how she feels. Just like she could not truly know what I feel. 

We all have a unique life. We all have different traumas, beliefs, cultures, lessons to learn. Even if I might have gone through a similar situation then someone else and I can RELATE, I can never go inside someone's heart and truly feel and know what their experience is. And this, my friend, breaks all the boxes and life paths that all of us have been taught to follow: go to school, get an education, work hard, chase money and fame/tittles, pention, death. We used to be sheeps, all going in the same direction. Doing the same things. Or this is how we were conditioned. The herd is easier to control than unique individuals. A person who stands in their own truth can not be controlled in any way. She won’t do what you want, but what she thinks it’s best for her. And not by hurting others when doing it. This is unique. 

Before, when I was sharing and explaining my feelings or inner journey to someone,  I needed sympathy and empathy from others. Now I give it to myself. Before I was looking for validation from outside of me, now I give it to myself. And as I do this, the need to share anything to anyone just disappears. 

And this brings me to this insight that “leave everyone alone”! Their journey is none of your business! Their journey is not yours to judge! It is not yours to fix or to safe! Some people awaken in this lifetime, some don’t. It is none of my business. It is not less or more than. It is just different! As long as I do me and ONLY concentrate on my life, it’s all good! No more giving advice or pushing my own agenda on anybody! Ah, what a freedom! It is time for me to stop putting us all into the same boxes. Everyone is as unique as I am. 

Last week I also got this deep insight of my own experience of responsibility. Ever since I was a small child, I had to take too much responsibility for my age. And this pattern has been going on all my life! No wonder I have been so tired and have gone through so many burnouts! I have always felt very uncomfortable when someone is unhappy and so I have tried my best to make things better. A pattern learned as a child. A belief that it is somehow my responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy and doing well. In my own expence of cause.

Now, for the first time EVER in my life I am only taking responsibility for my own well being. I don't have pets, I don't have small kids, I don't have a spouse. It is just me! When I stop interfering in other people's lives and their lessons, it sets me free. LET THEM! No matter what it is, LET THEM! Oh, you think 2 + 2 is 10? Okay! Oh, you think round is square? Okay! Oh, you want to go back to your abusive boyfriend? Okay. Oh, you want to numb your feelings with alcohol? Okay. 

Nothing outside of me is my responsibility! Only I am. If spiritual teachings don’t resonate, okay! I do me and that is just perfect for me. The more I am stepping into my own truth and experience, the more I allow others to do the same. 

One thing that also has come up to me last week are the traps that spirituality holds. YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH! There is always something to improve in you, something to learn, go a little bit deeper. You are not “there” yet, so buy another course or seminar. Phrases like “you are a spirit in a human body” fucks me up big time! I even get angry, because it doesn't resonate with me at all! “Time is limitless” or “we truly never die” are so fucking “out there” as can be! How disrespectful and arrogant is this towards human life, human body! Spirituality as we know it, sucks the joy out of you totally!

I came here to this earth to be a HUMAN! A human who does die and whose time here on earth IS limited! I came here to learn how to be a better HUMAN, not better spirit! First towards myself and from there to others. I did not come here to only be a fucking spirit who wants to escape the human side of this journey. Life happens ALWAYS no matter if you are awake or not! Ask the monks! They will tell you the truth!   

I had to go very deep into my being for some reason. That is my journey, but it is not everyones. I am not here to be another “Echart Tolle”, but to be me. A human being called Saija. Accepting all my human traits as I accept my soul too. To truly shed anything I have ever learned from outside of me. Keeping the teachings that are true to me and leaving the rest. I had to walk the talk in order to get in touch with my own wisdom. Wisdom that you can not get from the books, but from going through it. Through experiencing the inner journey. 

I curse, I smoke. I do yoga and then I don’t. I eat what I want when I want it. Just to give you a few examples. I do me. I am a human being who follows her heart's guidance. I don’t need to be holy, I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t always have to be the “bigger person” and I don’t always have to know how to do the right thing. What ever the fuck it even is! If I do my best, it is enough. If I don’t keep repeating the same shit again and again, that’s already a lot. If I can love myself fully and trust my own truth and path, that’s already a lot!

All I have to do is to be loyal to myself and leave everyone else's lives alone. For the first time ever in my life, I am standing strongly on my own two feet. Never ever will I take responsibility for another human's journey. Never ever will I listen to someone else telling me how to be or what to do. I will never ever again apologise for who I am! Never ever again will I fit into an image that someone else made for me. 

I have succeeded in making myself feel very loved, safe, full and protected from inside out. That is unbelievable to me! I can’t believe I was able to do this. And to be honest, it almost killed me! It was a very very hard and lonely journey. And still is. But I am here. Breathing. A human being who is going through a spiritual awakening. Missing life after isolating myself for so long. Waiting for clarity to come. Praying for lighter days to come. For joy to come back to my life after this very heavy and long period. 

I got me and that’s the most important thing. I will always have my back. I will never abandon myself again for no one. I am my own bodyguard. And my space is so very sacred.