PAST IS NOW PAST

Few days ago I was listening to a podcast as I was walking and it seems that we have come to an end of an era that started in 2008. In this podcast the host was asking listeners to reflect all the way there and write down what has changed since then. Not so much outside, but inside. What he was saying was “write it down and then finally let the past, the old, go.”

My story with my other home, Gambia, started in 2008. First by meeting a person from there. I had never even heard about Gambia! This was also the time when I started my therapy. My inner journey started slowly. Gambia gave me the change to distance myself from the things I needed to heal and I felt so much freer there. Bit by bit, I was also able to “bring in action” my new ways of being. 

The old Saija was liked a lot, because she was funny, didn’t have any boundaries, she was pleasing others, she was not speaking her truth. She didn’t know how to put in words what she wanted. She was totally blogged with her feelings. Unconscious. She didn’t take that much responsibility for her words and actions, but made excuses for her behavior. Even blamed others. She did talk about others behind their backs. Gossiping too. She did put others' well being in front of her own and she did too much, because she wanted to prove to everyone that she is enough! She was doing and doing, being busy and didn’t have a glue how to stop! She didn’t understand that she was running away from the pain to doing, having a huge social circle and drinking alcohol. To mention a few. She went through three burnouts and depression period. In intimate relationships she surely knew how to hurt and sting. She took her shit into others. Her abandonment issues made it impossible to love her or create long lasting relationships with men. This trade also pulled in men who were broken and unavailable. There is sooooo much to add to this, but I don’t want this post to be only about the old Saija. 

I had no clue how much shit I was carrying and once you start to heal yourself it takes time and patience. It truly is like an onion and you have to shed all the layers to get to your true self. 

Broken people break people. That I have learned. I was broken, so for sure, I broke other people as much as they broke me more. So there it is. A very toxic circle that before 2008, I did run away from. 

So, bit by bit I was doing my healing work. Sometimes not even being conscious that it was so. But now looking back, all these years from 2008 have been about healing and clearing.

I don’t quite remember when it was that I came to the crossroads. This is the space where you can stay for years, even for the rest of your life. This is the space where it gets harder and harder. I was in my “love & light” phase without understanding that I was actually bypassing a lot of shit, by thinking that I just send love and light to all and all will be fine. 

My soul (Victoria) stopped me then. I still can hear her voice saying that now, things will get real. Now you have to commit yourself to this inner journey no matter what. You have to commit to yourself 100 % no matter what. Something in me said yes, even if it was scary. 

Oh my and after this commitment, I started to truly feel my emotions and I was faced with practice. It is not enough that you know your patterns and your toxic behavior, you need to bring your new awareness into action. I was tested (and I still am). For example: oh, you want to unlearn people pleasing? Cool! Let’s put you in situations where you have to practise this. Let people come to you and disrespect you BIG TIME and then we’ll see do you have the balls to put a boundary there and how long, how bad does it have to go, before you do.

So day after day, week and month after another, year after year I just kept on going. Faced with challenges where I had to practise being the person I wanted to become. Sometimes I failed badly, sometimes I succeeded greatly. This is how it goes. And actually I don’t believe in failures anymore, because without them, I wouldn’t learn. 

I am not the same person, I was 16 years ago. I am not the same as I was even last week! The transformation keeps going, because I am so committed to me and my healing. I have gotten a lot of shit because of this, but I don’t care. This is my journey. I have learned to be mercifull toward myself and that I don't have to be perfect. I am here to learn and unlike someone else, I am eager to learn. And not only learn, but change my ways of being. I am eager to heal and not afraid to do it. I am still very much committed to me and this is the most important thing.

I already told you guys in the last post who I am now and how I live my life these days, so I will not repeat it here again. All I am going to say here is that my focus is now on the new.

Because I still live in old circumstances it takes a conscious effort to let it go. I do it as much as I can and have mercy towards myself in those days, it can not be done. But more and more, I stay by myself, do my things, love my energy. Not settling less than I deserve. I think I came here to my old home town to let go of my past for good, so that I can move on with love in my heart. No resentment, no bitterness. All forgiven to all, including myself. So thankful for all the people and our history together. Without them, I wouldn’t be healed and free. Having this inner peace, huge wisdom, awareness, self love, self support. Being in charge of my own life. Not bowing to anyone, but respecting everyone for sure. 

Past is the past and there I leave it. Thank you. With all my love.