SUMMA SUMMARUM

I heard that yesterday 21.01.2023 was the new moon and
Chinese new year. This Chinese new year begins the year
of the rabbit. Rabbit represents fertility, abundance, good
luck, new beginnings and the ability to change the course
of one's life rapidly if necessary. It seems that today is a
perfect day to reflect the past and finally leave it there. 

Well, if I am honest, I have been editing the text now for
almost six months. This is how fast I am changing inside and
this is why some of the things I already wrote feels a bit old
so quickly. Because this post feels somehow
so meaningful, I was writing and fixing it as long as was needed.
Today 16.05.2023, I feel, that the text is finally done. Now it is
time to stop fixing it and just gratefully, let it be as it is. 

As the headline already implies, I wanted to collect together
all that I have learned under one headline. At the same time,
I can proudly think back and see from where I started and
how much I have learned during these years. My goal is no
longer being perfect, but being authentic. For me, all is not
always “love and light”, but I am the whole human
experience. I am so proud that I have been able to face my
whole emotional world including its darkest corners.
There is nothing to cover up, fear or hide, but instead all sides
of me can be seen and heard. 

If all of us would be honest and open, this world would be a
much easier place to live. Then we wouldn’t have to think
things like “what is she thinking” or “now she is going to
get mad”. If we would be guided from inside out instead
of outside in, this world would look totally different. If
everybody would take responsibility for their own being,
how much freer and drama free life would be!

Learning new ways of thinking and acting requires repeating
and practicing again and again.
Think of a situation where you have been using your right
hand for writing all your life and suddenly you have to change
to your left hand. Now, it doesn’t mean that you have to
learn the alphabets or grammars again, but writing you have
to practice for sure. So it is when you start to renew yourself.
Through repeats and errors to the victory! Practice makes the
master!

“When a person is asleep, they keep banging their head
against the wall and then blame the wall for being there. A
conscious person, on the other hand, re-examens their own
ways of acting and reacting. As long as you blame others for
your problems, you are asleep.” - Tomi Hellsten -

Well, you could say that I “woke up”. I woke up to notice that
I am a completer, people pleaser, caretaker, controlling,
codependent and a lot more. The fact that I woke up gave
me a chance to dive into the depths of my soul and face my
own pain points. I started a long journey into myself towards
a life of conscious living, adulthood and full responsibility.

This is and has been my journey into true freedom. For sure,
I didn't have a glue that it would be this long and go so deep.
I thought that let’s get this thing done with a therapist and then
we continue life. Huh hei, how wrong I was! 

This is why I decided to list the biggest lessons of this journey.
The list is in no logical order. I have just written down my thoughts
as they come into my mind. Diving into your own inner world is
such a huge thing that it is impossible to get everything into one
post. But these are the most important to me. These things tell
the story of my growth the best. 

1. PAUSING 

Number one thing! Without pausing, I could never learn how to
hear myself. And so I needed to learn how to pause, be and listen.
I didn’t have a clue how to do this. All I knew is that this is what
I should do. So I started a learning journey. I didn’t know anything
about meditation, let alone about being.

The beginning was very challenging. Being for 10 minutes made
me sweat, but today, I can say that I am a master of being. I don’t
feel guilty anymore for being and I don’t blame myself for it.

Without quietness and being, I wouldn’t hear my intuition or the
voice of my heart. These days I don’t need to practice anymore,
since being quiet is part of my life and part of me. 

2. BODY CONSCIOUSNESS 

In my previous life I was not aware of my body in any way.
With this I mean that I didn’t know how to listen to it at all.
I just kept on going in my physical jobs and at the gym. I am
super grateful for my strong body, because it never failed me
even though I put it through hell!

I signed up for yoga teacher training exactly because I wanted
to learn the movements of my body and its messages. Point one,
pausing, supports of course this point two. 

Now that I am aware of the messages of my body, I don’t need
outside directions of what to eat. It is so funny how sometimes
this crave of Avocados or black liquorice hits out of nowhere.
Then I give my body what it needs as long as it needs it and the
crave will pass when some deficiency has been balanced.   

Body consciousness is also part of my exercise routines these
days. I exercise by honoring my body. New thing, for example,
is that after years of yoga, my body simply won’t do it at the
moment. So I am not forcing it, but I exercise in a
way that feels good and is as much fun as possible. 

The fact that I practiced my body consciousness, plays a huge
role so that I was able to get in touch with the blocks in my body
caused by my traumas. If we experience trauma, it leaves a mark
not only in our mind, but also in our body. This is the case unless
the trauma is processed and healed. 

So we might have physical injuries or we can have pain caused
by the repressed emotions. Pausing and body consciousness
gave me the tools to know now which one it is and this way
I can treat my body just the way it needs. 

3. GOING THROUGH THE TRAUMAS, FEARS AND BELIEFS

I am so grateful that I had the courage to start to investigate
my own inner world. The experiences I have are mine and
they can not be compared to anybody else's experiences. If two
people are eating pizza, you can be sure that both of them have
their own opinion about it. Yes, they are both eating the pizza, but their
emotional world defines how they personally experience the event.
The other one might be very happy for the pizza, but the other one
thinks that it is total bullshit. We all have our own unique inner eye
and this is why no one's experience can not be compared to
anybody else's. 

Because I was willing to look closer at my own ways of behaving
and why I was pulling certain experiences into my life, the traumas
started to surface one by one. If all my traumas, fears and beliefs
would have come to the surface (to my awareness) all at once, it
would have been too much. So it is a process where I was learning
to be patient and to give time for things to heal. Usually the bigger
traumas do come to the surface again and again, because it is
impossible to deal with them at once. I can not believe how much
we have stuff inside of us that is not even ours!

These days I am becoming like this teflon pan. I just don’t get
reactive or triggered about the outside world. Not even in the
traffic 😂! Instead of reacting, I reflect and this is a good
bridge to the next point!

4. REFLECTING AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

Wikipedia: “Self reflection means evaluating one’s own actions
and its development. This is one of humans most important
skills, because only by evaluating one’s own doings, it is possible
to develop hers/his actions.”

I am very eager to reflect. I reflect on my life's different events
and people to grow and to learn. I have a genuine will to develop
myself constantly and this is why reflection is a big part of my life.
I don’t judge no one, no even myself. I don’t put anyone on a pedestal,
not even myself. For me, it is not enough that I become conscious
about my own thoughts and behavior patterns, but I also want to
change them. Bring them into action. 

Reflecting and taking responsibility were great tools when I
wanted to let go of blaming others. The responsibility of all
aspects of my life is on me and only me. I can blame others or
I can sit down, reflect and see what new did I learn.

5. LOVING AND RESPECTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY

I can finally say that from that girl who didn’t like herself at all
and who didn’t see her own beauty, has now become a woman
who fully accepts all aspects and corners of herself. Just the way
they are. And even if there are days that I don’t accept, then I
accept that I don’t accept.

The things that I used to criticize about myself, are now the
most lovable qualities: my moles, crooked front tooth, my bud,
my belly, my wrinkles and scars. When I can accept myself just
the way I am, I can unconditionally accept others just the
way they are. In my eyes everyone is equal. 

6. ACCEPTING MY OWN IMPERFECTIONS 

I have finally let go of the thought that I should always somehow
be “the bigger and smarter” person. Yes, I am very aware, but
this does not make me a superhuman! I am human, humane and
I make mistakes just like everyone else. 

Sometimes it feels like people’s expectations are so freaking high,
that I can not afford to fuck up at all! But I got news for you! I do
fuck up! I can not always say or do the right thing. BUT! I am
willing to learn! And I take full responsibility for every word
and action.

I also know how to apologize if my words or actions offend you.
Each and every fuck up, I learn and aim to act more mature
in the future. 

So, my goal is not to be perfect, but to be authentic.

7. HEALTHY SELFISHNESS (GOODBYE CARETAKING!)

Healthy selfishness to me means that I dare to put my hopes
and dreams to number one in my priority list. No more helping
others at the expense of my own wellbeing, but now I am learning
how to say no when needed. A genuine desire to help doesn’t
come from an obligation, but it feels like your heart would sing.
The joy is so present then. 

I also learned out of people's pleasing and I have been learning
clearer boundaries. It has been so wonderful to learn that I am
not difficult or too much just because “I don’t do what you want”
or I know how to defend myself, if I am being mistreated. I just
won’t allow bad behavior anymore. Only I can know what I have
been through in my relationships and what I don’t ever want
to experience anymore. I now have a clear mind about what I
want in my life and what I deserve and I will not bargain about
that, not one millimeter. 

Healthy selfishness is important, because then how happy my life
looks like, is on me. Then I don’t sacrifice myself or my being for
someone else, but I understand that if I truly want to be something
to others, I have to be there fully to myself first. It is not my job to
take care of others or try to make them happy.

When I released myself from the role of a caretaker, not only did
it set me free, but also those that I was worrying about. Now each
and everyone can experience this life in their own way and finally
take full responsibility for their choices. This ex caretaker doesn’t
worry anymore, but believes 100 % to everyones creating powers.
I respect everyone's life journey and the ways of thinking whether
it is the same as mine or not. 

8. TALKING

I talk a lot. I don’t hold anything inside, because it would be
the same as if I would hold my vomit. Whatever is bothering me,
I let it out by talking. This way no emotion will stay in my body
(and cause pain) and my mind gets so clear when I can open up
in a safe environment. And yes, when it comes to talking,
I have become picky. Before I did open my mouth to everyone.

Now I know whom I can talk to without any advice or judgment.
It is also important to me that I surround myself with people
with whom we can be open about anything. Also the hard things. 

9. NO MORE EXPLANATIONS

I have finally realized that it doesn’t make any sense for me to
try to explain my own way of life to anyone. I have tried and
tried and realized that this is such a big waste of energy. This is
an inner journey that you have to experience, it can not be explained.
So I live a life that looks like me unapologetically
without explaining it at all. To no one.

10. RELATIONSHIPS

My life's stumbling block! Sigh. This has been a big deal to me
and this is one of those things that I have been coming back to
over and over and always from different angles. It is not easy to
learn new ways of being when there is a former addicted people
pleaser in question! I reflect everything with a magnifying glass
and I have been going from one end to another. Now the balance
is finally starting to be found. 

My goal is that in all my relationships there is a balance where
everybody will be seen and heard equally. Everyone will be
supported, encouraged and cheered at and everyone will make
an effort to keep important relationships going. No one is throwing
their shit into others, but everyone takes responsibility for their
own emotional world, their reactions, their triggers and their
own being. There will be no shit talked about other people's
businesses or about them, for that matter, behind their back.
Anything can and will be discussed face to face. 

This is so freeing to all, because it means no one has to carry
anyone or no one needs to be “pet on the head”. It means that
no one has to walk on “shard of glass”, just because of the fear
of them getting angry. Everybody can be who they are fully.
We don’t have to agree or understand everything, but we can still
accept unconditionally. 

Relationships create such an important foundation to our
feeling of safety and self esteem and now I understand how
important it is to surround myself with people who accept me
just the way I am. 

11. GETTING MY VOICE HEARD (I GOT VISIBLE TO ME!)

Thank god to the Universe for the countless amounts of tools
that it offers for us! For me the important tools have been this
blog and FB. I have been writing the flow of my thoughts and
what I wanted to do it in public, so that I would get rid of my fears.
Fears like “what are they thinking now”? Sometimes after posting
something I have literally shaken, I have been so scared!

But in the end, I always write about myself to myself, because
by writing (just as by talking), so many things open up to me
in a totally new way. If someone gets something out of these
writings, then great! But I have finally found my voice and
brought myself to be seen…. again TO MYSELF! I don’t feel
fear anymore and look at this… the sharing gets less and less.

12. QUESTIONING EVERYTHING

This probably should be mentioned with the reflection, but it is
different. In my journey I have learned to question everything.
In the center, of course, my own words, actions and thoughts.
The one who questions, “don’t bite the bait without asking some
questions”.

Things will never change, if we don’t ever question them or they
don’t raise emotions. The higher the consciousness level arises,
the less there can be manipulation of any kind. For sure I am open,
but also very much in my own power. No more gurus, books
or quotes.

13. CONNECTION TO MY OWN EMOTIONAL WORLD

Oh my god! I could have never thought how much anger I had
piled inside of me! Anger, sadness, the tears I had never cried
and other emotions that I didn’t have a clue I had. I was in no
shape or form connected to my emotions. Sure, I had cried and
yes, I had hurt when I was hurting or I got hurt, but usually I
just wanted to get away from the uncomfortableness of these
emotions in any possible way I could. I rushed to work, to the
gym, to drink or whatever. 

Now, no more running of any emotion. I don’t aim for constant
positivity or joy, but to authenticity. And to me authenticity is
when I accept my emotions just the way they are in each moment. 

14. OUT OF COMPLETING AND JUMPING IN THE FLOW OF LIFE

Before, oh my! I was busyyyyy! Thousand miles an hour! Only

then, I thought, I would be accepted and I will be a productive

part of the society. 

“We have made the busyness almost a force of nature that we
can not do nothing about. You should examine the hamster wheel.
It has no engine. So, it is not running because an engine is running
it, but because it is being run by people.”
- Tomi Helsten -

The flow of life is still kind of a new thing for me even though
I have been practicing it for a while now. You kind of go back
to the original settings and into the great trust of life. Instead of
controlling, I allow, trust and have faith. If I don’t know now,
it might be that I know in the next. At the end my heart will guide
me and then I have to have the courage to take the steps needed.

I trust 100 % that whatever is meant to me, it will find me. Even
with or without mantras or treasure maps. Even without thinking
positive all the time. Nothing can not pass me by, when it is meant
for me, so that I can learn more. I don’t know anything is
my new mantra and this means that then life has space to
surprise me. And this, let me say, is a lot to ex control
freak and completer!

15. BEING PRESENT AND LISTENING

Before I was so extremely eager to tell everyone how this
life should be lived. I gave directions and advice even if
they were not asked. I stepped on other people's lives without
a care in the world and wondered why people got so upset.
After all, I sincerely wanted to help! I was usually right and
others were wrong. Sigh!

Now I am focusing on my own life and my life’s faults. My
job is to make my life as good as possible. Other people’s life
journeys and directing them are not my business at all. I don’t
have the need to make people think like I do anymore. I am
present to the people of my life. I will support and help, but
my inner development target is NOT to give comments or
directions unless asked. 

16. THE HUGE POWER OF FORGIVENESS AND FORGIVING

The fact that I am able to forgive those who have hurt me,
lifts a huge wage off my shoulders! It has been a huge thing
to let go of the idea that I could one day get apologies from the
people who have hurt me. If they can not even see that they
have done something wrong, let alone how their actions or words
have hurt, it is a waste of time to wait for apologies. 

So I learned to forgive. When I learned this skill I realized that
there was no room for bitterness or hate anymore. To forgive does
not mean that I accept, but it does free myself from the past.
Forgiveness is so merciful and understanding that after all, we
all do our best in each moment with the mental tools that we
have in that moment. 

I have also managed to forgive myself for my past. For hurting
myself and others. It has been amazing to learn how to be more
merciful towards myself instead of constant demands and
expectations. I am just a human and I do make mistakes.
Now I completely understand this and that’s why I don’t require
perfection from myself anymore. I accept my own human side. 

It is also so extremely brave and liberating to have been able to
learn how to apologize if I screw up or hurt someone. No more
explanations and no more avoiding responsibility. I don’t even
try to say anymore things like: “I didn’t mean to hurt you”.
Whatever the other person is feeling, his/her feelings are valid
just as they are. So, if she/he feels that my actions or words have
been hurting, then I apologize at once without any explanations.
I also want to learn and do better in the future. 

The art of forgiving and apologizing requires extreme humbleness
and very good self esteem. The fact that I can own this, that I
can do this, speaks a lot about my growth to become a
mature woman. 

17. AUTHENTIC, FREE ME

I understand now that I need soul food just as much as I need
the earthly things. I am a super soul in a human body and now,
I don’t deny any side of me. I don’t have any desire to flow in
the clouds, but to live this normal human life.

Conscious, accepting, loving, open, authentic, forever student
and extremely humble in front of this life. As long as I breathe, I
keep learning. More about myself, others and about this life.
So I keep practicing without any desire to try to be perfect. 

This world has become a big playground where there are
millions of tools to play with. I like trying new things and in
AWH, I monitor how it makes me feel and
what I am learning. 

Before my goals were about my career or material things, but
now I just want to keep my inner world growing and become the
best version of myself I can be. When the old and heavy have been
cleared, inside steps lightness and joy.

Genuine enjoyment of life. 

I accept all days and all inner feelings. I don’t try to get out of
them, but I feel everything. These days, it is very rear for me to feel
anxiety, anger, being fucked up et cetera, but if I do, then I do.
Let me be fucked up fully with my whole presense then!

I genuinely love all parts of myself. 

I don’t categorize my days good or bad, they are just different.
I don’t use words like fuck up or mistake, because I am here to
learn and without all events that life presents, I couldn’t learn. 

I am learning true honesty and that I have the courage to express
my needs and hopes to others. I will tell you if your words or
actions make me feel bad. I know how I want to be treated and
there is no “middle ground”.

I am open and I will not let the past events close my heart anymore.
I am practicing not to be thrown out of my center by anything
outside of me.

I don’t play games, I don’t lie or manipulate. I will not be
manipulated, lied to or to be played. 

I take 100 % responsibility for myself, of my life and of my
choices. Without my own history and I mean all of its events,
I wouldn’t be where I am today. Lovingly strong, fully me,
holding the steering wheel of my own life. And this brings out
this huge feeling of gratitude towards all the people and the events
in my life. Even the painful ones. Well, especially the painful
ones! The painful and tricky ones are the ones I learned the most.
Without them I wouldn’t be here and now. Like this.

For the first time in my life I can sincerely say that I
love to be me!

Thank you, each and every one of you who have been or still
are part of my life and part of my inner journey. I thank you for
all the moments that we have been having together and all the
lessons I have gotten from you. Without you, I could not have
healed myself, to mature and grow my consciousness this much. 

Big thank you ❤

WHAT BEAUTY LOOKS LIKE

Today I want to talk about beauty and how I see it. Even after all these years of inner work, it is hard for me to see my own beauty. I accept my body fully with all its juiciness, but my face…. Well, “Houston, we have a problem!” 

I really really don’t know from where this belief has come from that my face is not beautiful. And for sure, I am no Barbie, but I know I am beautiful in my own unique way. But when I look at my face, I just don’t see it. And how I have dealt with this is that I accept that I don’t see it.

But the Universe had a plan for me to face this belief!

I got a call from a friend who said that this agency is looking for women my age to model for their campaign and she had judgested me! My first reaction was laughter! Me?!?! Are you serious?!?! And then…. Wooooh! This huge fear hit me like a baseball racket! 

So I needed to get out of the house and to the woods to get some fresh air. And as soon as I got to the woods, I collapsed! I got a huge panic attack and I started to cry from so deep within, that I have not cried like that for the longest time! So there I was, on my knees, sobbing. And Victoria (my soul), kept repeating: “just breath, just breath”. And so I did. What the hell has happened to me when it comes to my beauty? This kind of reaction was huge to me.

“This is something, you don’t need to wonder or think about”, says Victoria. “If you are meant to know why, we will let you know. This is how the new healing looks like. Before, you needed to know why you felt something and then you would have to dig deep to get to the root cause of your trauma. And the souls who are just starting their healing journey, they will start with identifying the trauma and from where it came from. But for you, now, when a fear, belief or trauma comes to the surface, you just have to feel it. Just like you did. There is no need to go to the past to try to find answers. It is not relevant. What is, is that this trauma has been seen and felt and it can now leave the body.”

Okey, wau! This is new information! But I am actually happy about it, because for me, the past is in the past and I don’t even feel like looking back. And to be honest, I am very okay with not knowing.

So what happened after my breakdown?

I went for a long walk. I enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air and I was surprised how fast the panic attack was gone! It only lasted a few minutes and after, I felt so much lighter. The issue was gone! I wasn’t even thinking about it anymore, but I got back into the present moment and kept on walking. After, I got home. My friend came to take the pictures, so that I could send them into this model agency and we had so much fun! I was laughing so much that water started to pour from my eyes! The photoshoot took 20 minutes!

Next day, I got the pictures and I sent them to the model agency. The funny thing here is that in those pictures, I did not have any makeup. My hair was not perfectly done, because I had my walk and I had to wear a hat. I have not exercised for a while, because my body has refused to, so I am not in a perfect shape at all. And yet, I was chosen for the second round! I got the mail just a few hours after I sent the photos to the agency!

So again, I was in front of my fears, because I had to make a video introduction. And again, all natural. No make up, no fixed hair. Just yoga leggings, a top and me! This time, I did not get panic attacks nor was I too nervous. We put the camera rolling and did it. And we got the video done at first shot!

It is not that important to me, if I am not chosen for the photoshoot, but this happened to me, so that I can finally let go of this core belief that I am not beautiful. It truly was about the journey, the experience and the release more then the outcome. I get it or don't get it, it really doesn't change my world in any way. So it seems, that I am in a good place inside, since nothing from outside, can "rock my world" anymore! For me this is hugeee!

This also opened my eyes to see what beauty looks like to me.

Beauty to me, is all of us being as natural as we can be! These days, I see makeup as a cover, so that we can not see the real beauty that lies under that makeup. Being this open and fresh, is a vulnerable place to be! When you are not wearing “a mask of make up”, the real you will be seen fully! When did we start to think that botox, fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake tits, fake asses, all fake, is beautiful?!? How did we get so lost and so far away from our own beauty?!? Now, it is all about FAKE, FAKE, FAKE! Beauty to me is not only looks. It is how you behave and how you treat others. Beauty is an inner light that shines so brightly when you fully own all of who you are. To me, this is real beuty.

Well, I am not judging anyone or anything. That is not my job. The only thing I am happy about is the fact that I am finally able to see my own beauty. Or more, my own uniques. I don’t need anything fake to hide it. I don’t need to hide myself anymore. I am proudly who I am and I carry myself with dignity and grace. It doesn’t matter if others see my uniqueness or not, it is enough that I see it. And I love it! I love my unique face!

“Good for you love!”, shouts Victoria and Roger (my ego). “We are so so so happy, you finally see yourself as we see you! This is a big deal!”

For sure, it was! This was for sure, a big win for me and a big step towards my freedom!

CHAT WITH VICTORIA

This phase that I am at the moment, is not an easy one. I understand that something is coming to an end and something is starting, but that's about all I know. Last week I was finally able to make peace with Roger (my ego), who always wants to know more then we do. What? When and how? 

Well, right now, I just don't have the answers. Sometimes in these situations I want to have a  chat with Victoria (my soul), because when I chanel her, I get clarity and my inner peace grows more. So today, she is the star of the day and me and Roger are excited to hear what she has to say. We will be the students today.

"Hello my loves", Victoria says. "I can see that we are having an interesting meating today."

Yes, I say. The stage is yours today, so shine on. Today, you will be seen and heard for real!

"Thank you my love", she says. "I am so happy that you wanted this chat, because I can see that you are kind of "at the end of your rope", correct?", she asks.

Yes, she is right. I am exhausted! And I truly don't know why. I am not forcing or controlling anything. I am accepting things as they are. I don't judge me or the situation. I know I can never be stuck. Like my friend said: "when I know better, I will do better" and right now, this is all I know. So I think that I have done quite an amazing job, if I think about the situation I am in. 

"Yes love, you have! You are very brave! And this is not so serious as you think. You are just energetically very tired, that's all!", says Victoria. "Lets talk about this some more!"

"So my love. You are the one in your family who had the courage to start to break the traumas and patterns in your familyline. Not that no one else in your family is not doing it, but you are meant to break them all. This was and is your mission when coming here on earth. This is why, you started your therapy so many years ago. I know you never thought that this is going to go so deep, but you have a big mission my love!"

"So what happenned was that you found Gambia to be your second home, because this is where you learned more about you, but also it gave you space from Finland, so you can heal your traumas in your own pace without having your family so close to you. Only this way, you were able to start to see things more clearly when it comes to your family. Living in Gambia also gave you a taste, if you will, how it feels like to live somewhere else than in the country you were born."

"During these 14 years, you have been able to disconnect from your family, from Finland and even from Gambia. The hardest part ofcause, is to disconnect from you daughter. This is why things have been taking so long. Many years! It is not easy, because humans are so conditioned on how things should be. And you are breaking all those boxes. It is not easy to leave your family, daughter or even the country you were born, but now you are finally at the verge and I am so happy for this! You are almost ready to leave!!!"

"After 14 years traveling between two countries for years, you are finally in the last bits of this journey. Circle, if you will. All the events in Finland and in Gambia have brought you into this point. I know you are now tired of this two country system and you want something more solid. It is true that it is exhausting to always buy new furniture or find appartments, not only in one country, but two. But this is coming to an end, don't worry!"

"I want you to know, that you have done the best you can. So what I want to say is, that everything will be okey. There is absolutely nothing you could have done differently. Right now, you might not be so happy in Finland and I totally get it! It is just that sometimes it is not about us or you. It is about other components that you can not understand with your human mind."

"This situation is not a punishment, but it is because everything is not ready for you yet. But they will be soon. To be honest, I thought that we can start moving already on the fall, but things got delayd. And these are the things we can not control. Everything has to be right. This person needs to be here in the right time, so you can meet them. And then this appartment has to come available just when you are looking for one. You understand? It is a huge mix of many many things, that need to come together just in the right time."

"You know we are going. You have been packing already. Selling things. So you know. It is just when and to this one, even I can not give an answer right now. But we will have it for sure!"

"I know it is not easy when you are not energetically aligned with the place or people. It is not easy to anyone. This is why we change partners, jobs and even friends! Things change and this is normal. But you know already that you new path is open and it is being created as we speak here. Everything is moving all the time even though for you, it might not seem so. But they are!"

"You will feel alive again. You will have people around you that love and support you. You will find your place in this earth. You have done everything right all along, so let me take the burden of what and when from you shoulders and you just be. I am happy to do it."

Thank you so much Victoria! 

I do feel like I am quite calm and relaxed. Accepting. It is just that as an sensitive person, it is hard for me to be when the energy is so misaligned. Like a job. Or a relationship. When I am done, I am done. And this is how I feel now, I am done. 

Well, I guess I have to see this as a notice period. The only thing is that I don't know how long it will be. But so be it. Let me and everything else in the universe get ready and then... we will hit the road! 

MY UNIQUE PATH FINALLY GOT TURNED ON

I have been having this flu now for almost two weeks. This is why I have been taking it easy. Relaxing, not much exercise, watching Netflix and sleeping. I really feel like this situation is a big, fat joke! Life has felt heavy, I am tired, feel like 100 years old with no joy or energy what so ever! I don't see people that much, I just want to be by myself. Isolation is the word of the day. I cry a lot and I know that these tears are the tears, I have never allowed myself to cry before. I am breathing, but not really feeling alive. 

What is interesting to me is, that I haven't really felt too much anxiety or frustration like I have before. I am just like "okey, this shit keeps going on again today, can't really bother to give a fuck anymore!" Just accepting that this is how life looks like at this moment. Not fighting against the situation. Actually, I have been managing this quite well, to be honest. And because it has been so heavy and confusing, all I can do is laugh. And cry. And watch some more Netflix. Thank god for Netflix!

"Oh love, I know this phase has not been easy for you", says Victoria (my soul, my higher self). "But if you think about it now, what is it that has changed?"

Hmmm...Well. To be honest, there are plenty! Let's start with exercise. I have always been crazy when it comes to exercise. I have been even cruel to my body, because of the external defenitions of how our bodies should look like. And now, my body is on strike! It just don't want to move. At all! No yoga, no weight lifting, no cardio, nothing. Maybe just long, slow walks, where I can enjoy the fresh air and nature. But that's all. I feel like all the beliefs that I have about my body, are falling away. I have been learning to love my "lovehandles", my saggy arms, my cellulite, all of it. 

Since I have always been so harsh on myself, my body has been stiff and hard too. Now, everything is changing. My body is getting softer, more juicier. What is interesting is, that I have not gotten that much more weight at all. I am learning how to love my body in this moment, just the way it is. Now, I am letting my body rest and recover from years of exercise abuse. And she (my body) is enjoying every minute of it! 

I know I will eventually learn new ways to take care of my body, but all the beliefs when it comes to food, exercise and other things I have heard from outside of me, are falling away. The only thing I can do, is listen to me.

"Yey!!!!", Victoria shouts. She is so happy to hear this. "Compassion, this is what you are finally showing to yourself. You couln't do it before, because there was nobody else there for you. Even still, you are on your own, but now, you have more trust, you are more relaxed, less controlling and more patient, so no need to push yourself anymore. Things will be fine. To be honest my love, our fairy tale is just starting!"

Oooo, I agree! I have followed so many "spiritual leaders" over the years and now, for the last couple of days, I have unfollowed them all. I care, but I don't. Today, as I was relaxing in the sofa, having my lunch, I heard Victoria wispering so clearly: "Today, your own unique path has been turned on."

I had to stop for awhile and I was like "what"?!?

Today, my own unique path has been turned on. It is time.

What does this mean?!?

"Love, do you remember, when earlier today, you told your friend, that it is time to "not to listen to other people stories"? That before they did inspire you, but now, that is not the case. You said that now, it is time to find your own story", says Victoria. 

I do! I was very passionate about this. It came out with such a power, that I even needed to call back to my friend and apologize. I respect everybodys journey and I have been following people who I have seen as forerunners. I have needed the guidance. But now, all of a sudden, all of these people and their stories or their directions, just drop away. I am finally ready to find out how my story unfolds! Oh my god, what a relief!!!

"Yes, this is so cool!!!!", shouts Victoria. "I have been waiting for this!!!! As you claim your own power back from the people you have been following, "the forerunners" so to say, you finally gave yourself and your team a permission to move forward. Remember when you said that you are done with healing? Have you noticed since then, that you really can not go back into very deep thoughts like before?"

Oh, actually this is true. I might feel something, but I haven't really been thinking about "why" anymore. The feeling just is and then it goes away. It is true. I haven't had that feeling of "I need to know why" anymore. I don't care. Past is past. I have dealt with it and the rest comes to my attention if needed. Victoria is right. After claiming that I am done with the healing, I just can't dig deep anymore. Cool!

"This is it!", says Victoria. "Today, you did the same. You claimed that you want to know what your own story looks like and this my love, openned the gates for you! It seems that as humans, you forget how fast the energy moves. So what seemed right yesterday, doesn't seem right today. So anything that has been thaught about this journey by the forerunners, has been true, 100 % for them, at that time. There might be similarities still, but now it is so important for all of the humans to understand, that you might be in the same energy wave, if I may call it that. But your journeys are yours. Unique. And really, no one can not say what your fairy tale looks like. Only we can. You, me and Roger (my ego). And today, you finally openned the gates. You gave us a permission to move forward and for this, me and Roger are so happy!"

Oh, me too. I feel different inside. It is even hard to explain it. All I know, that "the game is on", just because I was finally able to let go of anybody elses stories of how life should look like. From now on, it is about what we want and what is brought to us. Everybody has to follow their own paths how ever it looks like to them. 

It is a weird feeling to feel this shift. It is almost like somekind of switch got turn on all of a sudden. Oh my god! I am happy beond!!!!!! I almost lost my faith to be honest. I was sure that nothing will change, but what I feel now, is so exiting!! This is so interesting!!! All this inner work. So many fears and beliefs. So many tears. So much hurt. So much heaviness. So much being and accepting what is. Just surviving. For so long being a follower, instead of a leader. Wow! This is incredible! I am finally stepping into my own, unique story without listening to anybody else. 

I don't know what this means or what does it physically look like, but I can not wait! This is our (me, Victoria and Roger) fairy tale and finally I am able to claim it fully! 

DONE WITH HEALING

I participated in a healing session yesterday. This one was something I have never done before and the method was new to me. We did this in a group and you can have your own intention when entering the session. It was intense, but very interesting. I have known that we carry the weight of our familylines from far behind, even past lifes, but still, what came up in this session amazed me. Unfortunately I can not go into the details, because everything that happenned there, is confidential. But let's just say that we were able to lift the burdens in a very powerful way. Not only ours, but some of our ancestors too! Now they are finally at peace and something heavy has left from my mind and body. 

"Oh my, it surely was interesting!", says Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego). "You humans have so much to heal and now more than ever, we feel you! It takes so much courage to go through this process!"

I agree. I was so humble and honored to be there and witness these processes! Unbelieveble stories!

BUT! In the evening a new thought came to my mind. 

"I AM DONE WITH HEALING!", Roger shouted. "I feel like the only thing we have been doing for such a long time, is healing! I am tired of it!! Healing, healing, healing.... Ah, there is so much in this life to experience and we are just healing and healing and healing! I want to LIVE!"

"Roger Roger, you are so right to be honest", says Victoria. And I agree.

For a moment Roger gets quiet. He can not believe that we agree! Normally he has to bend and give up, but this time, me and Victoria, we take him into a big hug and yes! We fully agree 100 %!

"What's going on?", he says in wonder. 

"Darling, you are so right. This is a process that has been going on for a while now and I am happy that YOU Roger, are the one, who wants to move on. I was sure that you want to stick into the things we have gotten familiar with. I was sure, that when we come to this phase, you would be fighting against this. And I am so happy we are seeing this eye to eye! I absolutely love it!", shouts Victoria and claps her little hands. 

I am totally out now too. What is going on? I don't feel like I am healed yet. What does this all mean?! Roger is sitting next to me and we are holding hands. We are curious to hear what Victoria has to say. 

"Well, my loves, let me explain this", she laughs. Then she stands in front of us like she would be on a stage and the audiense, me and Roger, oh we are ready to hear this! TED -talk by Victoria we laugh!

"Healing is something that takes time and efford, at first. But we have done it now for such a long time, that it has become almost like automatic, if I can say it this way. What I mean by this is that Saija already knows the process. She knows how it goes and she knows what to do. So now, we will be still healing, but from now on, we don't always have to understand or know why something is coming up. Or where does it relate to. It just happens. Healing process has become part of us. It might be a feeling that we now know how to feel. It might be tiredness and now we know how to rest and take it easy. It might be something in our body, but now we know how to deal with it, because we can hear the whispers of the body. She is now fully included into our being." 

"I am surpriced that Roger got tired, because for sure, it is easy to stay in a place that you know. It can be a healing journey or a relationship or what ever that makes you feel comfortable. But I am so very happy that we are willing and ready to leave our comfort zone and be now fully open for something new! We are here to experience life after all, with all it's glory!" 

I love this! I have become conscious enough to feel and do what our team needs. I am finally hearing myself fully! I am so happy about this! We don't always have to dig so deep and this was a epiphany Roger got yesterday evening as he was expressing his feelings about healing. Uuuuu, thank you Roger love! You are the best! Oh my god! Because to be honest, it is time to "leave this healing circle behind and move on to what ever is next for us. I am so ready!

"Yes love", says Victoria. "If I can say, you are whole enough to move on. As I said, healing will go on, but now it is time to let this be and allow new things and new thoughts, new people to enter into our life. All the events and people that we will meet in the future, will teach us more and more about us and we will be "healing" along the way. Humans will always learn and heal as long as they are here on earth. And now it is time to thank us for our bravery and move on."

We are so ready! To be honest this feels like a huge relief to me. Healing is beautiful and it does lighten you up. But it also takes you to some dark places inside of you and that, feels heavy now. So let the healing happen as it happens, but I truly want to start to investigate more what new will come my way. What does this new Saija want? What does she like? 

I have heard this from someone that we have to come fully empty until our inner fire can light up. That fire that has always been there, but was burried underneath my fears and beliefs. Well, I question this from my heart. Not that it was not true to others, but just that is this true to me?

"Well, I can not say anything about someone elses inner journey, but for us, at least at this moment, I think it is a little bit too much to think that we could be fully empty from everything. The thing is, Saija love, you will talk to people, you will do things like surf in the social media. This creates new beliefs all the time. As a human, it is impossible to avoid this. So as you live your everyday life, you hear sayings or talks that make you think and wonder and this is how it is supposed to be. In this lifetime you will question your own beliefs billion times! This is how the learning keeps going." 

"Your inner fire is on! It is another belief that it isn't just because it doesn't look like the way you Saija think it's supposed to look. If your inner fire wouln't be on, you couln't move on day after day. It is that inner fire that keeps you going. Keeps you healing. Keeps you waking up in the morning and getting into the shower even if there is nothing to do. Your inner fire is on, it was and it has been ever since you were born! Now, it is just changing into something different, new. Lets call it our authentic fire."

Wow! I am amazed! This is true. As I let go of this belief, I grab another one from somewhere else. 

"We are never stuck, our inner fire can not ever be out and the doors are always open. This is something that I really really want us to understand. If a minute is gone, it is old. It is in the past. No way to return into it. Outside the world may look the same, but every moment is fresh, new. The energy moves these days so very fast and this is why we can fully trust only the present moment. This is why planning ahead is getting difficult. You can not know how you will be feeling before hand. What ever is true in this moment, might not be true in the next. This is how much the energetic field has changed in the earth", continues Victoria. "Can you see now how much movement is happening, even if we can't see it?"

Sure! And I think I am learning new ways to be and it is not easy. At least our team can now move into the next phase in our life what ever it looks like. Maybe it is a job abroad or maybe it is not. Who knows. 

"Well, I am just happy you too took me seriously", Roger says. "It was about time!" Me and Victoria laugh. Let him be the bossman for a while, he deserves it. We end up giggling on the floor. Thank god we have each other and all our inner wisdom! We now claim the new era welcome!

FORGET ABOUT SPIRITUALITY

This posts subject is something, I have been thinking and pondering for a while now. Victoria (my higher self) and Roger (my ego) are present, but this one, this is mine.

I saw a picture of me in my confirmation day. It jumped out from my Facebook feed yesterday. I was looking at this beatiful 15 year old girl and this brought up some thoughts about my "spiritual journey" that I have been in now for more than 13 years. Oh my! I am so tired of this word "spiritual". You know what, we are "spiritual" when we are born! If you are breathing, you are spiritual! You are a spirit and spirit can only be alive, if it is breathing. So if you are breathing, you are spiritual! The fact that we think that someone else is more spritual then another, creates a huge gap between each other and trust me, this truly is not "spiritual"!

Oh and yes! I have been there! Along my inner journey, I did put myself in pedestal. Seeing myself somehow more "spiritual" then others, because "they didn't get it". But thank god, I fell to my ass from that pedestal and this was the best thing that ever happenned to me!

I decided long time ago to jump into this inner journey. I wanted to get to know the Saija that I had never met. This is what is all about to me, get to know the authentic Saija, not about "spiritual journey". I WANTED to get to know me, because I knew, that the beliefs and thoughts that others had about me, were not the truth. I also wanted to understand why, time after time, I found myself in a similar situations with different faces. And this how it goes, if our traumas, fears and beliefs keep guiding us. Most of the time we don't even realize that this is happening. I know I didn't!

I don't know if you have had that experience, but these days, if I follow any "spiritual" writings or videos, I do get this image, like there is something wrong with me. It is almost like for 13 years I have been trying to change something in me, so that I wouldn't be so "bad". So that I wouldn't react, as I react. Or there has to be something wrong in me, if I am not in a ZEN-state all the time. Or if I can't manifest like others. There is this constant strive to be this super human without the whole human emotional scale. That we should always be positive instead of feeling what I am feeling. 

"Love, we needed these opposite sides to exist", says Victoria. "Humanity was and is still mostly, living in a fear based world. How we started to break this intensity of fear, was by creating the "over the top spirituality". This was the only way to start to balance the energy of the world from fear towards unity and love. Now, some of you are stepping out of this "spiritual" circles, because you are now your own leaders. We still need the opposites, but the scale is getting more and more balanced. But it is changing it's form. Before we could bybass some aspects of us, but now, the energies are kind of forcing us not to."

Yes, this is true and it is so very interesting! And I could still, for sure, isolate myself into this "bubble of spirituality" where I would be praying for light and love to humanity. Where I would repeat mantras and talk to my bussy. I could bury my head to the sand without facing the wrongs that are happening in the world. But this, to me, would be bypassing humanity. Bypassing life. And most of all, bypassing myself! In my own community I would't have to face the mirrows (people and life events), that I truly would need in order to really become free. 

If I would blindly follow some guru who would tell me how to live, how to be or what to eat, I could never step into my full power. If I would be living this way, I would give the reins of my life outside of me and this to me, is bypassing. It is running. Of cause there are many ways to run, like addictions. And for sure, it is easier to follow some guru, goverment or religion, because this way, if something goes wrong in your life, you can always blame that ourside source instead of taking full responsibility of your life and all parts of it.  

Truly, the only way towards oneself, is through. All the emotions. All the experiences. Feel the feelings you never knew you had or had tools to. Face the unfear events of your life and feel the pain they have caused. Let them finally come to be seen and cleared out of the body and mind. 

And suddenly, this huge pressure of constantly trying to change something in me, don't resonate to me at all. I accept. That's it! A word, that will change everything. I accept that I feel anxiety and this way, it will fade away much faster. I accept my joy, my lazyness, activity, the fact that I don't always know what to do and so on. I accept myself just the way I am and this way, I can accept others the way they are. I accept. Period. This is my "spiritual" lesson to you my lovies!

And as I have learned to know myself and after trying to change myself so much, the funny thing is, that my cord essence hasn't really changed at all!

What has changed is the knowing why I react to certain things the way I do. I now have the courage to draw clear boundaries and I can say no, if I don't want to. I can try crazy new things without thinking what others would say. My cord essence is filled with this childlike joy. I have a big, kind heart and I never want to hurt another. Through my own inner journey, I have learned to deal with my emotions so that I don't take it on others anymore. Inside of me lives this automatic respect towards everyone and everything. I no longer put myself down, but no one is above me eather. We are all born naked and equal. 

And the best thing is, that I am getting to know this genuine, authentic Saija day by day better never before. I am so proud of this beautiful woman and yes! I am not affraid to say it out loud!

This is what life is all about. Just this. Loveliness, anxiety, laughter and crying. Beautiful feelings and less beautiful feelings. Nicer events and less nice events. I am here to learn about me every day through others and through different events. When you get curious about life and about yourself, life somehow gets ligher. This is not so serious! We are the ones who create unnecessary presures to ourselves without even realising it.

Bit by bit I have been clearing my social media from posts that make me feel, like there would be something wrong with me. Or where they tell me that I am the biggest obsticle in my life. I don't read books anymore and I don't watch vidos that much. I already have all I need inside of me. I just need to trust this. Only I can know what is best for me and if I take my attention outside of me, I feel so bad that I come straight "back home" to me and talk to Saija. 

And now, I don't want to judge any of the "spiritual" materials and teachers I have been following! Oh no. Without them I wouldn't be so fully in my own power. So I am very very thankful of all of them. 

It is just time to start to question things that are fed to us. No matter "spiritual" or "non spiritual". I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are already spiritual when you were born! But. If you want to get to know the true you, I salute you! I cheer for you. I encourage you to stand with your own two feet and to trust your own vision of how you want your life to be. This is your journey, not anybody elses! 

The most worst enemies in my inner journey have been people pleasing and not creating clear boundaries. Each time I listen to others or do things just because someone else wants me to, I am stepping away from my inner power, from my center. 

So. I don't listen tips on how to dress. I don't listen tips on how to eat. I don't listen on how often I should exersize. Aaaaaand, I don't follow the Kardashians. Noup. I DO ME! My body is wise enough to tell me what it needs in each moment and inside of me, there is this power that knows when to stop to listen to these messages. My heart (Victoria) has taken over and it doesn't make any sence to fight against it. And yes, Roger (my ego) tries sometimes for sure! But for me, this is the best ever!

We are all unique and what ever suits for someone else, does not suit you. Only you can know what is best for you! If my team could give you one advice, it would be a question: "How do you feel?! If you do this, how do you feel? If you say this, how do you feel? This is the biggest guide for me at this moment. Nothing, to me, is a must. I shoulnt', but I want. If something or someone makes me feel anxiety, I don't, because then, I would be people pleasing, instead of listening to me. I would be stepping out of my own power. 

To hear oneself and putting oneself first, takes a lot of courage and yes, you will piss a lot of people on the way. But if they get pissed, isn't it their responsibility to deal with it?

Just be and do you. Do you have the courage?

ROGER IS FEELING RESTLESS

Today Roger (my ego) has been so restless. It is just something that happens every now and then. Less often than before, but it happens. These situations are usually handled between Victoria (my higher self) and Roger, so my only job is to be present and observe. 

"I can't take this anymore!", Roger shouts. "Our life is just so boring! I don't know what to do to change it and this is bullshit! Every day is the same. Same, same, same. I don't want to exercise, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to go anywhere! I hate this! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!"

Me and Victoria can see that he is feeling very frustrated today. 

"It's okey, Roger", says Victoria. "You can feel what ever you feel. This is good. Let it all out!"

"I hate it when you say this", says Roger. "Why can't I be in charge sometimes? Why do you always have to decide what we are going to do and when?", he is shouting.

"Love, I don't have to. I really don't. That's the thing. We are in this together. What ever we decide to do, we will all stand behind that decision", says Victoria. 

I understand Roger. I think that it is sometimes hard. Make decisions or not to make them. You think and you think and yet, there is no answers. Or no action for that matter. I feel like sometimes I am affraid to make "the wrong" decision. 

"Yes!", shouts Roger. "This is how I feel! I want us to do something, but something is stopping us and I know it is you Victoria! This is all your fault!"

"I am sorry love, that you feel this way. My guidence is always based on what I feel we are ready for. I know it is not easy to be and to be, but things are not quite ready for us yet to move forward. I know it is very frustrating and life can feel boring. But could we look at this in a new way?"

"What if frustation is good! What if being bored is good?", she asks. 

Me and Roger stand here looking like question marks. What do you mean?

"As humans, ever since you are babies, you are thaught, that things have to "move forward". That boredom is bad. Or frustration. But this is not so. These feelings are coming from your old belief system, because you were told ever since you were small that you are not worthy, if you are not productive. This has caused you to believe, that you have to always reach higher, reach for more, instead of being happy with what you have in this very moment. Let me give you an example."

"There was this shop keeper, who started his business from the scratch. Bit by bit he was able to build the business into a solid one. He even started to make profit. He had good staff and good people around him. The quality of the store was high and the customers loved the shop. But because of his belief system, he could not truly enjoy his victory. Because victory it was for sure! No no. As soon as the profits started to come, he started to plan for a bigger shop. He wanted more. He wanted bigger! He wanted to be the best in town!"

"And so he took another loan, started the remodeling and extending the shop. The days were long and he was always at work. His wife and kids basically lived without him, but he couldn't see it. Well, you can quess how this story ends. He did end up without his family and the store got so big, that it was hard to handle. He was stressed over the matters of the shop. Always there was something. And the loan was so big, that trying to pay it, gave him an ulcer!"

"Humans always have to get more, try harder, be bigger and so on. This shopkeeper could have enjoyed his life fully with his family. Delegate his work to people he trusts and take vacations with his family. Enjoy fully the fruits of his labor. But because of the belief that "we always have to move forward or do better", he could not."

This is interesting, I think. It is true. This belief is still living deep inside of me. And this is why Roger is frustrated today. Because "we are not moving forward" or so it seems. 

"And this is the thing. Letting all these old beliefs go, so that we could enjoy each moment fully as it is. Because the truth is, we do only have this moment. We don't always have to force things to happen. We don't always have to be bigger or better. We are good enough just because we are alive! And this is something that I truly want our team to understand. That we can relax into this moment and trust that things "will move forward" when the divine timing is right. Until then, we are moving forward, but energetically and inward", says Victoria. "I am not keeping us "stuck" just because, but there is always a very good reason to my actions. After all, our team is here to learn, how to let ALL the beliefs and fears go. We are here to find who we truly are, not what we were told we are. And we can only get to this zero point by allowing. Allowing things to come up. Allowing us to feel anything that comes up. Allowing things to unfold naturally without controlling."

Oh my. Me and Roger are quiet. He knows these things already, but sometimes he just can't take it. And we tell him, that this is okey. The whole point is to let the frustration out. To feel it and then release it. It is the old mud that we don't want to carry anymore, so let him feel what he is feeling and that's it. 

For me, this "inner battle" can be tireing, but more and more, Roger is at peace and accepting things as they are. 

"And our talks help me a lot! After these talks, I feel so much more calmer, lighter and at ease", he says. 

We have a group hug, because we are so very proud of our team. He can have his fits, no problem. And we are learning to live moment by moment every day and thank god, most days we all feel okey with how things are now. After all, we have all we need. Getting to know the true me, is our teams job and it takes what it takes. And now, after this talk, we can relax into this knowing. All will be well and nothing that is meant for us, can not pass us by. But right now, we are here. In the candle light, having Mangos :o).