SUMMA SUMMARUM
I heard that yesterday 21.01.2023 was the new moon and
Chinese new year. This Chinese new year begins the year
of the rabbit. Rabbit represents fertility, abundance, good
luck, new beginnings and the ability to change the course
of one's life rapidly if necessary. It seems that today is a
perfect day to reflect the past and finally leave it there.
almost six months. This is how fast I am changing inside and
this is why some of the things I already wrote feels a bit old
so quickly. Because this post feels somehow
so meaningful, I was writing and fixing it as long as was needed.
Today 16.05.2023, I feel, that the text is finally done. Now it is
time to stop fixing it and just gratefully, let it be as it is.
As the headline already implies, I wanted to collect together
all that I have learned under one headline. At the same time,
I can proudly think back and see from where I started and
how much I have learned during these years. My goal is no
longer being perfect, but being authentic. For me, all is not
always “love and light”, but I am the whole human
experience. I am so proud that I have been able to face my
whole emotional world including its darkest corners.
There is nothing to cover up, fear or hide, but instead all sides
of me can be seen and heard.
If all of us would be honest and open, this world would be a
much easier place to live. Then we wouldn’t have to think
things like “what is she thinking” or “now she is going to
get mad”. If we would be guided from inside out instead
of outside in, this world would look totally different. If
everybody would take responsibility for their own being,
how much freer and drama free life would be!
Learning new ways of thinking and acting requires repeating
and practicing again and again.
Think of a situation where you have been using your right
hand for writing all your life and suddenly you have to change
to your left hand. Now, it doesn’t mean that you have to
learn the alphabets or grammars again, but writing you have
to practice for sure. So it is when you start to renew yourself.
Through repeats and errors to the victory! Practice makes the
master!
“When a person is asleep, they keep banging their head
against the wall and then blame the wall for being there. A
conscious person, on the other hand, re-examens their own
ways of acting and reacting. As long as you blame others for
your problems, you are asleep.” - Tomi Hellsten -
Well, you could say that I “woke up”. I woke up to notice that
I am a completer, people pleaser, caretaker, controlling,
codependent and a lot more. The fact that I woke up gave
me a chance to dive into the depths of my soul and face my
own pain points. I started a long journey into myself towards
a life of conscious living, adulthood and full responsibility.
I didn't have a glue that it would be this long and go so deep.
I thought that let’s get this thing done with a therapist and then
we continue life. Huh hei, how wrong I was!
This is why I decided to list the biggest lessons of this journey.
The list is in no logical order. I have just written down my thoughts
as they come into my mind. Diving into your own inner world is
such a huge thing that it is impossible to get everything into one
post. But these are the most important to me. These things tell
the story of my growth the best.
1. PAUSING
Number one thing! Without pausing, I could never learn how to
hear myself. And so I needed to learn how to pause, be and listen.
I didn’t have a clue how to do this. All I knew is that this is what
I should do. So I started a learning journey. I didn’t know anything
about meditation, let alone about being.
me sweat, but today, I can say that I am a master of being. I don’t
feel guilty anymore for being and I don’t blame myself for it.
Without quietness and being, I wouldn’t hear my intuition or the
voice of my heart. These days I don’t need to practice anymore,
since being quiet is part of my life and part of me.
2. BODY CONSCIOUSNESS
In my previous life I was not aware of my body in any way.
With this I mean that I didn’t know how to listen to it at all.
I just kept on going in my physical jobs and at the gym. I am
super grateful for my strong body, because it never failed me
even though I put it through hell!
I signed up for yoga teacher training exactly because I wanted
to learn the movements of my body and its messages. Point one,
pausing, supports of course this point two.
Now that I am aware of the messages of my body, I don’t need
outside directions of what to eat. It is so funny how sometimes
this crave of Avocados or black liquorice hits out of nowhere.
Then I give my body what it needs as long as it needs it and the
crave will pass when some deficiency has been balanced.
Body consciousness is also part of my exercise routines these
days. I exercise by honoring my body. New thing, for example,
is that after years of yoga, my body simply won’t do it at the
moment. So I am not forcing it, but I exercise in a
way that feels good and is as much fun as possible.
The fact that I practiced my body consciousness, plays a huge
role so that I was able to get in touch with the blocks in my body
caused by my traumas. If we experience trauma, it leaves a mark
not only in our mind, but also in our body. This is the case unless
the trauma is processed and healed.
So we might have physical injuries or we can have pain caused
by the repressed emotions. Pausing and body consciousness
gave me the tools to know now which one it is and this way
I can treat my body just the way it needs.
3. GOING THROUGH THE TRAUMAS, FEARS AND BELIEFS
I am so grateful that I had the courage to start to investigate
my own inner world. The experiences I have are mine and
they can not be compared to anybody else's experiences. If two
people are eating pizza, you can be sure that both of them have
their own opinion about it. Yes, they are both eating the pizza, but their
emotional world defines how they personally experience the event.
The other one might be very happy for the pizza, but the other one
thinks that it is total bullshit. We all have our own unique inner eye
and this is why no one's experience can not be compared to
anybody else's.
Because I was willing to look closer at my own ways of behaving
and why I was pulling certain experiences into my life, the traumas
started to surface one by one. If all my traumas, fears and beliefs
would have come to the surface (to my awareness) all at once, it
would have been too much. So it is a process where I was learning
to be patient and to give time for things to heal. Usually the bigger
traumas do come to the surface again and again, because it is
impossible to deal with them at once. I can not believe how much
we have stuff inside of us that is not even ours!
These days I am becoming like this teflon pan. I just don’t get
reactive or triggered about the outside world. Not even in the
traffic 😂! Instead of reacting, I reflect and this is a good
bridge to the next point!
4. REFLECTING AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
Wikipedia: “Self reflection means evaluating one’s own actions
and its development. This is one of humans most important
skills, because only by evaluating one’s own doings, it is possible
to develop hers/his actions.”
I am very eager to reflect. I reflect on my life's different events
and people to grow and to learn. I have a genuine will to develop
myself constantly and this is why reflection is a big part of my life.
I don’t judge no one, no even myself. I don’t put anyone on a pedestal,
not even myself. For me, it is not enough that I become conscious
about my own thoughts and behavior patterns, but I also want to
change them. Bring them into action.
Reflecting and taking responsibility were great tools when I
wanted to let go of blaming others. The responsibility of all
aspects of my life is on me and only me. I can blame others or
I can sit down, reflect and see what new did I learn.
5. LOVING AND RESPECTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY
I can finally say that from that girl who didn’t like herself at all
and who didn’t see her own beauty, has now become a woman
who fully accepts all aspects and corners of herself. Just the way
they are. And even if there are days that I don’t accept, then I
accept that I don’t accept.
most lovable qualities: my moles, crooked front tooth, my bud,
my belly, my wrinkles and scars. When I can accept myself just
the way I am, I can unconditionally accept others just the
way they are. In my eyes everyone is equal.
6. ACCEPTING MY OWN IMPERFECTIONS
I have finally let go of the thought that I should always somehow
be “the bigger and smarter” person. Yes, I am very aware, but
this does not make me a superhuman! I am human, humane and
I make mistakes just like everyone else.
Sometimes it feels like people’s expectations are so freaking high,
that I can not afford to fuck up at all! But I got news for you! I do
fuck up! I can not always say or do the right thing. BUT! I am
willing to learn! And I take full responsibility for every word
and action.
I also know how to apologize if my words or actions offend you.
Each and every fuck up, I learn and aim to act more mature
in the future.
So, my goal is not to be perfect, but to be authentic.
7. HEALTHY SELFISHNESS (GOODBYE CARETAKING!)
Healthy selfishness to me means that I dare to put my hopes
and dreams to number one in my priority list. No more helping
others at the expense of my own wellbeing, but now I am learning
how to say no when needed. A genuine desire to help doesn’t
come from an obligation, but it feels like your heart would sing.
The joy is so present then.
I also learned out of people's pleasing and I have been learning
clearer boundaries. It has been so wonderful to learn that I am
not difficult or too much just because “I don’t do what you want”
or I know how to defend myself, if I am being mistreated. I just
won’t allow bad behavior anymore. Only I can know what I have
been through in my relationships and what I don’t ever want
to experience anymore. I now have a clear mind about what I
want in my life and what I deserve and I will not bargain about
that, not one millimeter.
Healthy selfishness is important, because then how happy my life
looks like, is on me. Then I don’t sacrifice myself or my being for
someone else, but I understand that if I truly want to be something
to others, I have to be there fully to myself first. It is not my job to
take care of others or try to make them happy.
When I released myself from the role of a caretaker, not only did
it set me free, but also those that I was worrying about. Now each
and everyone can experience this life in their own way and finally
take full responsibility for their choices. This ex caretaker doesn’t
worry anymore, but believes 100 % to everyones creating powers.
I respect everyone's life journey and the ways of thinking whether
it is the same as mine or not.
8. TALKING
I talk a lot. I don’t hold anything inside, because it would be
the same as if I would hold my vomit. Whatever is bothering me,
I let it out by talking. This way no emotion will stay in my body
(and cause pain) and my mind gets so clear when I can open up
in a safe environment. And yes, when it comes to talking,
I have become picky. Before I did open my mouth to everyone.
Now I know whom I can talk to without any advice or judgment.
It is also important to me that I surround myself with people
with whom we can be open about anything. Also the hard things.
9. NO MORE EXPLANATIONS
I have finally realized that it doesn’t make any sense for me to
try to explain my own way of life to anyone. I have tried and
tried and realized that this is such a big waste of energy. This is
an inner journey that you have to experience, it can not be explained.
So I live a life that looks like me unapologetically
without explaining it at all. To no one.
10. RELATIONSHIPS
My life's stumbling block! Sigh. This has been a big deal to me
and this is one of those things that I have been coming back to
over and over and always from different angles. It is not easy to
learn new ways of being when there is a former addicted people
pleaser in question! I reflect everything with a magnifying glass
and I have been going from one end to another. Now the balance
is finally starting to be found.
My goal is that in all my relationships there is a balance where
everybody will be seen and heard equally. Everyone will be
supported, encouraged and cheered at and everyone will make
an effort to keep important relationships going. No one is throwing
their shit into others, but everyone takes responsibility for their
own emotional world, their reactions, their triggers and their
own being. There will be no shit talked about other people's
businesses or about them, for that matter, behind their back.
Anything can and will be discussed face to face.
This is so freeing to all, because it means no one has to carry
anyone or no one needs to be “pet on the head”. It means that
no one has to walk on “shard of glass”, just because of the fear
of them getting angry. Everybody can be who they are fully.
We don’t have to agree or understand everything, but we can still
accept unconditionally.
Relationships create such an important foundation to our
feeling of safety and self esteem and now I understand how
important it is to surround myself with people who accept me
just the way I am.
11. GETTING MY VOICE HEARD (I GOT VISIBLE TO ME!)
Thank god to the Universe for the countless amounts of tools
that it offers for us! For me the important tools have been this
blog and FB. I have been writing the flow of my thoughts and
what I wanted to do it in public, so that I would get rid of my fears.
Fears like “what are they thinking now”? Sometimes after posting
something I have literally shaken, I have been so scared!
But in the end, I always write about myself to myself, because
by writing (just as by talking), so many things open up to me
in a totally new way. If someone gets something out of these
writings, then great! But I have finally found my voice and
brought myself to be seen…. again TO MYSELF! I don’t feel
fear anymore and look at this… the sharing gets less and less.
12. QUESTIONING EVERYTHING
This probably should be mentioned with the reflection, but it is
different. In my journey I have learned to question everything.
In the center, of course, my own words, actions and thoughts.
The one who questions, “don’t bite the bait without asking some
questions”.
Things will never change, if we don’t ever question them or they
don’t raise emotions. The higher the consciousness level arises,
the less there can be manipulation of any kind. For sure I am open,
but also very much in my own power. No more gurus, books
or quotes.
13. CONNECTION TO MY OWN EMOTIONAL WORLD
Oh my god! I could have never thought how much anger I had
piled inside of me! Anger, sadness, the tears I had never cried
and other emotions that I didn’t have a clue I had. I was in no
shape or form connected to my emotions. Sure, I had cried and
yes, I had hurt when I was hurting or I got hurt, but usually I
just wanted to get away from the uncomfortableness of these
emotions in any possible way I could. I rushed to work, to the
gym, to drink or whatever.
Now, no more running of any emotion. I don’t aim for constant
positivity or joy, but to authenticity. And to me authenticity is
when I accept my emotions just the way they are in each moment.
14. OUT OF COMPLETING AND JUMPING IN THE FLOW OF LIFE
can not do nothing about. You should examine the hamster wheel.
It has no engine. So, it is not running because an engine is running
it, but because it is being run by people.”
- Tomi Helsten -
The flow of life is still kind of a new thing for me even though
I have been practicing it for a while now. You kind of go back
to the original settings and into the great trust of life. Instead of
controlling, I allow, trust and have faith. If I don’t know now,
it might be that I know in the next. At the end my heart will guide
me and then I have to have the courage to take the steps needed.
I trust 100 % that whatever is meant to me, it will find me. Even
with or without mantras or treasure maps. Even without thinking
positive all the time. Nothing can not pass me by, when it is meant
for me, so that I can learn more. I don’t know anything is
my new mantra and this means that then life has space to
surprise me. And this, let me say, is a lot to ex control
freak and completer!
15. BEING PRESENT AND LISTENING
Before I was so extremely eager to tell everyone how this
life should be lived. I gave directions and advice even if
they were not asked. I stepped on other people's lives without
a care in the world and wondered why people got so upset.
After all, I sincerely wanted to help! I was usually right and
others were wrong. Sigh!
Now I am focusing on my own life and my life’s faults. My
job is to make my life as good as possible. Other people’s life
journeys and directing them are not my business at all. I don’t
have the need to make people think like I do anymore. I am
present to the people of my life. I will support and help, but
my inner development target is NOT to give comments or
directions unless asked.
16. THE HUGE POWER OF FORGIVENESS AND FORGIVING
The fact that I am able to forgive those who have hurt me,
lifts a huge wage off my shoulders! It has been a huge thing
to let go of the idea that I could one day get apologies from the
people who have hurt me. If they can not even see that they
have done something wrong, let alone how their actions or words
have hurt, it is a waste of time to wait for apologies.
So I learned to forgive. When I learned this skill I realized that
there was no room for bitterness or hate anymore. To forgive does
not mean that I accept, but it does free myself from the past.
Forgiveness is so merciful and understanding that after all, we
all do our best in each moment with the mental tools that we
have in that moment.
I have also managed to forgive myself for my past. For hurting
myself and others. It has been amazing to learn how to be more
merciful towards myself instead of constant demands and
expectations. I am just a human and I do make mistakes.
Now I completely understand this and that’s why I don’t require
perfection from myself anymore. I accept my own human side.
It is also so extremely brave and liberating to have been able to
learn how to apologize if I screw up or hurt someone. No more
explanations and no more avoiding responsibility. I don’t even
try to say anymore things like: “I didn’t mean to hurt you”.
Whatever the other person is feeling, his/her feelings are valid
just as they are. So, if she/he feels that my actions or words have
been hurting, then I apologize at once without any explanations.
I also want to learn and do better in the future.
The art of forgiving and apologizing requires extreme humbleness
and very good self esteem. The fact that I can own this, that I
can do this, speaks a lot about my growth to become a
mature woman.
17. AUTHENTIC, FREE ME
I understand now that I need soul food just as much as I need
the earthly things. I am a super soul in a human body and now,
I don’t deny any side of me. I don’t have any desire to flow in
the clouds, but to live this normal human life.
Conscious, accepting, loving, open, authentic, forever student
and extremely humble in front of this life. As long as I breathe, I
keep learning. More about myself, others and about this life.
So I keep practicing without any desire to try to be perfect.
This world has become a big playground where there are
millions of tools to play with. I like trying new things and in
AWH, I monitor how it makes me feel and
what I am learning.
Before my goals were about my career or material things, but
now I just want to keep my inner world growing and become the
best version of myself I can be. When the old and heavy have been
cleared, inside steps lightness and joy.
I accept all days and all inner feelings. I don’t try to get out of
them, but I feel everything. These days, it is very rear for me to feel
anxiety, anger, being fucked up et cetera, but if I do, then I do.
Let me be fucked up fully with my whole presense then!
I don’t categorize my days good or bad, they are just different.
I don’t use words like fuck up or mistake, because I am here to
learn and without all events that life presents, I couldn’t learn.
I am learning true honesty and that I have the courage to express
my needs and hopes to others. I will tell you if your words or
actions make me feel bad. I know how I want to be treated and
there is no “middle ground”.
I am open and I will not let the past events close my heart anymore.
I am practicing not to be thrown out of my center by anything
outside of me.
manipulated, lied to or to be played.
I take 100 % responsibility for myself, of my life and of my
choices. Without my own history and I mean all of its events,
I wouldn’t be where I am today. Lovingly strong, fully me,
holding the steering wheel of my own life. And this brings out
this huge feeling of gratitude towards all the people and the events
in my life. Even the painful ones. Well, especially the painful
ones! The painful and tricky ones are the ones I learned the most.
Without them I wouldn’t be here and now. Like this.
For the first time in my life I can sincerely say that I
love to be me!
Thank you, each and every one of you who have been or still
are part of my life and part of my inner journey. I thank you for
all the moments that we have been having together and all the
lessons I have gotten from you. Without you, I could not have
healed myself, to mature and grow my consciousness this much.
Big thank you ❤
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