I was born strong. Not physically, but mentally. Since I was little, I have always been the "capable girl."
My whole life has reflected this strength in one way or another. Until now, however, that strength has been detrimental to myself. Yes, it has kept me alive, but at the same time, it has driven me into situations where I have been pushed so hard mentally—and sometimes physically—that a breakdown was inevitable. In my case, this breakdown always happens in both my mind and my body.
I am so utterly exhausted that I can barely function. I either lose or gain weight. I might lose hair. My skin turns lifeless. I run a fever, I cough. My whole body aches. For a moment, I lose my spark for life and realize I have lost myself in other people's stories. And this pattern has always repeated itself.
The role of the capable girl—that infamous "strong one who can handle everything and carries it all alone"—has been the only way to survive in life. I don't know any other way. I haven't had options.
But what happens when the capable girl in me can no longer carry anyone, take responsibility for others, or be responsible for anyone's well-being? What happens when I decide to let go of the massive burdens on my shoulders and dare to collapse onto my knees on the living room floor and scream: "I can't pretend to be brave, tough, and so fucking strong anymore! I CAN'T ALWAYS COPE OR MANAGE EITHER!"
Yesterday, an interesting thought also crossed my mind: have I ever been accepted exactly as I am? This question is one of the pillars that has kept my role as the capable girl standing: every person in my life accepts the parts of me that are easy for them to deal with, but not the ones that trigger irritation, emotions, or thoughts in them. So, as a capable girl, I have swept under the rug the traits in myself that people don’t want to see. I adapt smoothly for others. Wonderful! What a good girl!
Isn't it fascinating that I have lived a brave life true to myself, and yet I've been molding myself according to others the entire time?! That's just how the capable girl is! She makes daring decisions, conquers the world, and manages things even out there in the world brilliantly!
Oh, the capable girl builds the houses and renovates the apartments. She'll even carry the logs and the pinecones on her shoulders! The role of the capable girl includes an outer shell that shows everyone everything is fine, things are under control, even if things have been a bit fucked up lately. So that no one has to worry—I'll manage, I'll be fine!
Have I even given anyone the chance to accept me as myself, since I am the one who has maintained this role of the capable girl? You see, a capable girl does not easily reveal her vulnerable side. I have taken responsibility, taken care of business, and made sure everything works. No, I sincerely do not believe I have been accepted just as I am, because I don't think I have ever gave anyone a change to do this. Until now.
It is so damn scary to let go of this protective shell of the capable girl, because then I reveal completely new traits of myself—even to myself. I have to reveal to the world and to myself that softer, more authentic, more loving, slower, calmer, not-so-ambitious person who isn't filled with fire energy (I guess you could call it anger, too). Suddenly, there is no destination and no five-year plans.
Beneath the capable girl, a person is revealed who is completely lost, and things are not so hellishly well-controlled and taken care of. This person just wanders from day to day without achieving anything massively conquering or significant. It reveals a person who no longer has the energy to keep up some achiever's superhero cape. Along with the protective wall of the capable girl, the idea that everything must be done alone goes into the trash.
Side note: damn, I feel dizzy writing this! This is such a massive letting go! Extremely scary, but extremely liberating! No wonder I've been super sick for over a week! The old is burning away!
The capable girl was born out of necessity as a child and has kept me alive until now. From the bottom of my heart, I thank this wonderful, beautiful role that has protected me for so long! Now, however, with great love, I let go of the capable girl and let out the Saija that this shell was protecting.
I am finally "strong" enough to be "weak."
