SLOWLY STEPPING INTO MY NEW BEING

For the past year and a half my body has been going through a lot. First I heal my mind and connect back to my soul and then starts the release and healing of the body. Everything has been stored in the body. Some of the pain I know what they are the results from, but some I don’t have a clue. To allow my body to release and heal has been quite a learning process. 

I have learned to be patient, I have learned to listen to my body and really give it everything it needs. It is weird how my life has changed from not being aware on any level to now living in a flow where things just happen without thinking. 

It might be that I suddenly have a craving for oranges and then I eat oranges for a month. And as suddenly as the craving started, it ends. I really don't plan anything anymore. It's more like I might have a thought of what to do or what to eat, but mostly what happens is that I wake up and then I see what the day brings along. This is my life now. Living in a pace that is unique to me, doing things that are good for me. I love it!

Same thing I had to learn with exercise. Not to plan or controle it. The overdoer me had to go and the sensitive, gentle version came out. Because of the pain in my body, I had to leave exercise totally for over a year. I was able to go for walks randomly, but mostly I just had to allow my body to be. Oh my god this was difficult! Roger (my ego) kept screaming and wanted to force us to move, but Victoria (my soul) was very firm. “No”, she said. And so Roger and I had to give up and allow Victoria take over even in this matter. 

Now suddenly I just find myself back in a yoga mat and where before my body wouldn’t accept any movement, she is now graving for it. Yin yoga was absolutely no no and now as I do it, I hear the sigh my body makes as she releases the tightness. Somatic movements are so cool and a few days back she was telling me to grab the weights. She wants us to lift the weights! I am trying to start easily, but she is now so excited about moving that I am surprised how strong she is! 

Even these body movements happen in a flow without planning. Like yesterday evening. I was lying already on the sofa watching my series and suddenly I am in my mat doing barre workout! Very intense and challenging, but I loved it! It was after 9 pm in the evening when I was done. After I took a shower and sat back on the sofa smiling and thinking “I can not believe this just happened”! But this is what my body wanted and I was happy to do it for her!

The old Saija was exercising, and the new Saija is practicing self care. I love it!

I also have been quite tired, so I have needed a lot of rest. It is like my body is “forcing” me to learn how to become a being instead of a doer. 

As I have been able to surrender more and more into this process, I have learned to love it. I love this new way of being where nothing happens by force, nothing is being controlled and most of all, I love the fact that I have learned how to listen to Victoria and my body. 

There is something inside of me that wants to come to the surface and it is really hard to explain this to anyone. No one who has not gone this deep, just can not understand what treasures lie inside of us, underneath all the old shit! I am excited to see what my inner treasure is! I feel it, I just don't know yet what this means. So very interesting and exciting!

Another learning process for me has been how to fully trust my own guidance and the feelings and knowing I have inside of me. When there is no other support for me than me. 

How much is it that I have learned through this period of time I have been giving myself! I didn’t move out of this flat or city, even though it was hard. I didn’t force myself to work even though I had very little money. And so on. I have broken so many old patterns. I could never go back to the old ways of living.

I have been able to stay loyal to myself no matter what and I have fully trusted Victoria's guidance. 

I am sure growing never stops, but it is changing for me. Now it is as natural to me as eating and it happens even without outside influence. Before I might have needed outside triggers to learn and grow, but now it just happens. Growth is part of who I am. 

I got invited to a road trip and I was very happy to accept the invitation. No hesitation what so ever! I didn’t have to think about it, the answer just came out. Again, in a flow. The old me would have thought about it for days, but now I am so centered in myself that I just know straight away is it yes or no. No second guessing like before. 

I feel like it is time to get out of my cocoon very soon and I am excited. I was not ready before. I needed this time just for me and I am grateful I listened to myself. But very soon it is time to jump out of my sofa and go out and play! I am so excited! 

I have truly shed my old skin. Maybe after all this time my fairytale will change. Until now it has been all about inside. Maybe my new being will start to pull in new experiences from outside too.

Who knows and that’s the beauty of all of this! No one knows = adventure and life's magic!

"Let me tell the tale

Of a girl who didn't stop,

Who climbed up every mountain,

Without a pause upon the top.

She'd dance until each blade of grass,

Was clothed in drops of dew,

And the sun new her by name

But the silver moon did too.

For a fear had settled in her bones;

A fear of sitting still,

That if you're not moving forward,

It must mean you never will.

So in time her dance got slower,

And she looked at all she'd seen,

But found gaps inside the places,

That she'd never fully been,

For she was a human doing

Human moving, human seeing,

But she'd never taken time

To simple be a human being."

HUMAN BEING POEM by

Erin Hanson