WAS I TOO MUCH?

Since I am getting to know this new version of me and I do want to change my patterns and behavior, I want to reflect backwards on my life a little bit. I want to address the topic of “I am too much”. 

How many times have I heard that the man is not right for you, if he says that you are too much? I don’t think anything is that simple or that black and white.

To be honest, I think I was too much. I also think that I was difficult. This is the truth. I was very broken and of course my behaviour reflected this brokenness. As I now reflect my past with healed eyes, I lovingly shake my head. Oh my god. 

Now, I am not going to analyze the behaviour of the men in my life in this text. I have done my inner work and I know very well all the lessons I got from these relationships. Now it is time to look at my own behavior.

Why do I think I was too much or difficult? Here is how I see it. 

Ever since I was a child I was told that I am difficult. Do I believe it after healing, absolutely not. It makes me smile now. Just because I had a tantrum as a child did not mean that I was difficult. It was normal behaviour for a child. And yet I was told constantly that I was difficult. 

Because of all the events in my childhood I already, at a very young age, developed this shield around me and I wouldn’t allow anyone to hug me or touch me.

I was not only physically shut down, but I also was very closed off emotionally. Red flags!

I had a very low self esteem and of course it reflected in my relationships and it affected my behaviour a lot. Red flag!

I got a lot of anger inside of me that I was not aware of. Red flag! 

If there was a fight, I walked away or got angry. I didn’t know how to communicate at all. Red flag!

I had fear of men that I was not aware of. Red flag!

I was a people pleaser who lost herself in relationships. Or then I was too strict with my thinking “my way or highway”. Red flags!

I wanted intimacy, but was closed off myself. I didn't have a clue how to put in words what I was feeling or going through. I shut down. Red flag! 

I was thinking that it is mens job to make me happy and my expectations were always very high. Red flag!

I had this huge urge for attention and when I didn’t get it, I got angry or I would mope. If people liked my partner more than me, I would get jealous. Red flag!

I mothered my partners. I took too much responsibility, because I didn’t trust that they could do things right. I became the martyr who “always did everything”. I also was “coaching” them. Red flags!

No matter how I tried to seek “that something”, from my relationships, something was always missing. I just didn’t feel content or satisfied fully. I didn’t have the ability to truly appreciate all I had. I took people and things for granted. Again red flags!

As we know, I was not aware of my wounding at all. The god honest truth is that I 100 % was too much in my relationships. Not deliberately of course, but broken people break people. I take full responsibility for it now. I feel like I was a water class that was clued together in order to survive, but I was full of cracks. Just ready to be broken fully. And my behaviour for sure reflected my inner brokenness.  

So yes, in my opinion toxic women (and men) are too much! All the old ways of being are just too much for me now. I could never live like that again! How heavy and so very difficult it feels! All the games and masks. All the unnecessary drama and fighting! How hard my life was before, I can’t even believe it! No wonder I was too much!

And OMG how much easier life would be, if we at least could all just be honest about everything!! How much suffering hiding and lying and not talking creates! 

Today, if you ask me, I will tell you that I am not too much. Nor am I difficult. I have filled my own cup and healed my red flags. If I fuck up, I know how to apologize and take accountability. 

If I now seem too much or difficult to someone, the reason is not my toxic behaviour, but my authenticity. My openness and vulnerability. And to people who still wear masks or have triggers, this is too much. But then they are not my people.

My goal is to keep growing and learning new, healthy ways of being. I have fresh eyes, new ways of living and magic inside. I am relaxed, content and have zero expectations for anybody.

I think the old Saija was too much, but now, I am just perfect!