I AM NOT A TEAPOT!

Today I heard a story about a sculptor who had gone to a school of pottery classes to learn more about this art form. After he said that everybody we're making teapots. That’s what everybody did. But he didn’t want to be the same. He didn’t want to do that. Make a teapot. At that time this sculptor was very young, but he already knew he had his own mind. So he created a ceramic sculptor and named the piece “I am not a teapot”. 

What he wanted to say with this was that he didn't want to fit into a box someone else had created. He had always known that “he was not a teapot”. He has had and has a strong mind of his own. A fire burning inside and no obstacle in life can turn off that fire.

After years of being still, mostly alone, out of the grid, living with this constant feeling of “I don’t belong”, this story resonated with me a lot. And it made me smile a bit too. Why in the world have I always been apologizing for my existence?! Thinking that I am the one who is not normal?! 

That’s because I have never fully accepted the fact that I am NOT a teapot! I actually have never truly valued, loved and respected this aspect in me. The fire I have inside. Until now.

When you become authentic, people who are still sweeping things “under the carpet”, wearing masks and are not ready to face fully their own inner world, will avoid you, even dislike you. An authentic person's energy is very real and honest and it pokes unauthentic people’s triggers big time. 

I did not come into this world to be “a teapot”. I did not come here to be "normal" (what ever that even means?!).  

Let me give you one example of what life looks like when you are NOT a teapot! 

I have lived in the same flat now for three years. Ever since I moved here I have known that this is not my home. But I also knew that here in Finland I could get the isolation that was needed in this period of my inner journey. I think we undervalue the time we spend alone and I have truly learned how to love my own company and space. I came to this town to close the door to the past, so that I can move on truly healed, matured, confident and free. 

Anyway, I have been fighting against this flat all this time and lately there have been so many issues in this place that I start to feel like I am living in a ghetto! 

Victoria (my soul) keeps whispering “I know it is hard, but hang in there! Your time will come and you will be moving on. It is just not time yet”. 

But we all know what happens to a human in a tricky, uncomfortable situation: “Alert alert! Trouble trouble! We need to find a solution and change the situation as soon as possible!!!!” This is how our mind works. This is what we are used to: “If something fucks you up, do something about it.” 

This is our deep conditioning. 

But when you are NOT a teapot, you learn to accept the discomfort. You become aware of why this is happening and why things are not physically moving. And this is not easy at times, because like I said, I have had this inner knowing ever since moving to this flat that it is not something that is going to last. So when time goes by, years go by, I haven't had any other choise than to lean on my inner knowing, trust it fully and allow my inner faith get stronger. This is not always given, so there are days when the doupt creeps in, but then I lean into my inner voice, to Victoria and when she says it's all going to be okay, I just somehow trust her 100 %. I can honestly say that I have become relaxed in this discomfort. It is in this discomfort where I have learned the most, I have grown a lot and my inner world has shifted fast. 

I have shared my discomfort with few people. All I wanted was to share what I am going through and I had this hope that people would just be there for me, just listen. But instead I get advice and solution suggestions. It is very hard for them to understand why I don’t do anything about the situation and just leave. My sharing pokes their own discomfort and since it is uncomfortable to feel this discomfort inside, it is easier to run away from it and “to do something about it”. 

Anyway, a few weeks ago the intensity of this long lasting situation got to me and so I decided to intentionally put myself to the test. I allowed Roger (my ego/mind) to take over and out of curiosity I wanted to see what happens. What happens inside of me, if I try to go back to my old ways? What happens if I go against my intuition and listen to my mind instead? What happens if I try to force things to happen?

Does the old way still work for me?

So I put Victoria’s whispers aside and I applied for a new flat. I got a call and we agreed that I would go and see the place. So I went to the showing and OMG, the flat was beautiful! High room with a huge balcony. Lots of light, very clean and I just knew I could make it my home. The only issue was that they were asking for a 12 month lease. Or I thought that this was the issue why I started to hesitate with giving a green light for this. 

The truth is that Victoria’s voice got a bit louder during this process. “I am sorry love, but this is not meant for you. Yes, it is beautiful and yes, it is more peaceful. But it is not for you. Your time will come.”

But because I had decided to try the old ways of being, I went ahead and said that I am interested knowing all along that it is not meant for me. 

And next night, OMG! I couldn’t sleep at all! I was turning and turning! My mind was racing and my body was on high alert. Because I went against my intuition and inner knowing I immediately went back to survival mode! Stress and anxiety came back! When I woke up the next morning I was so exhausted. I couldn’t believe the reaction I had both in my mind and in my body!

In the afternoon I got the call and as I knew, I didn’t get the flat. And instead of being disappointed, my whole body released a huge sigh. Relaxation and peace were back within seconds! My nervous system got relaxed and I could breath well again. 

Now I proved to myself that I can not go back to the old ways. I can not live against my own flow, my own inner guru, my inner knowing and my own divine timing. For the human side of me, everything doesn’t always make sense and can feel very hard at times, but Victoria knows the best. I will not test her again! 

Whatever my next step is, I will know it when the time is right. This experiment was also such a good reminder to me that when something is meant for me, I will not only know it, but I will also FEEL it! 

No matter what other people say, I have to do what my heart tells me to do. If she keeps saying “not yet”, then it is not yet. Let people get uncomfortable. 

Because I am not a teapot, my life doesn’t look like what society expects it to look like. I now truly start to appreciate my own uniqueness. My intuition and inner guidance. My unique wisdom. My courage to just be and allow. And act when it is time. I don’t feel like I don’t belong anymore, because I have found my way home to me. 

I am creating a work of a lifetime as the sculptor of my own life and for sure, it is not going to be a teapot! As all creative people know, you can not force an art piece! It is ready when it is ready and so you keep changing, molding and learning until the piece is ready. And you are ready. For the past few years I have been sculpting myself inside, so that I was able to break “the norm” and start to fully appreciate the fact that I am not a teapot!

I LOST IT ALL! OR DID I?

Today I bumped into a story where one lady was sharing how she lost everything during her awakening process. I am in that space right now that she was describing. But something in her voice spiked something inside of me. She was not being a victim, she was just sharing her story. There was this sadness, grief and maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed and I do recognize those emotions. It has been so hard. The grieff has been very real. 

But today Victoria (my soul) wanted me to see things in a different light. This turning point in my perspective happened a few days ago. Naturally. I caught myself within this very negative mindset where all I could see was lack. Lack of people, lack of money, lack of creativity, lack of a new reality, lack of motivation, lack of physical movement and so on. 

Lack lack lack!

Yes, I lost everything along the way within this awakening journey! Bit by bit the old has been stripped away: within me, people, material things. Money too. I’m at zero point. Yes, I have been feeling sad and lonely. I have been crying and wondering why. In this world of fakeness authenticity is very disliked. And I had to learn how to be okay with it.

But now Victoria wanted me to dive deeper inside of me and ask myself what is it that I have actually lost? 

And as I sit here and start to think I am amazed how many things come to my mind! I was carrying so much old energy inside of me and all that energy was reflected into my life through myself or by others. What I mean quite simply is "what energy I carry, that energy I pull in". And now I can clearly see how much my energy has changed! Unbelievable! So what did I actually lose?

Lack of self love. Disrespect. Harmfull selftalk. Inner critic. Not being seen or heard. Being invisible. Not being valued. Love that was conditional. Attachments. Codependency. Toxic trades and behaviors. Lots of fears. Lots of beliefs and conditioning. Lack of responsibility for my own life. Not knowing how to apologize when needed. Apologizing my being. A people pleaser without no boundaries. Over giver. Caretaker. A bully. Bullies. Being the target of others triggers. A person who did put my own triggers on others. Insecurities. Low self-esteem. Low self worth. Stress. Business. Planning. Controlling. Dissatisfaction. Broken heart. Unhappiness. Directionlessness. Tightness in my body. Sleepless nights. Anger. Hatred. Resentment. Judging. Jealousy. Grieff. Sadness. “My way or highway” thinking. “Black and white” thinking. The need to be right. Arguing. Taking people, things and even places for granted. Always wanting more. Closed off inner world. Expectations. Arrogance. Victimhood. A martyr. A coach. A besserwisser. Fear of money and income. Surviving. Fight or flight. The runner (meaning I was running away from looking in). Being broken. Not being the priority. Not trusting. Having no faith. 

Just to mention a few examples. 

All this needed to go and I can finally see this as a blessing without sadness or grief or heaviness in my heart. So yes, I have lost a lot, but maybe my grieving time is coming to an end? As much as I have lost, it has actually been replaced by new, fullfilling energy. Not outside yet, but inside of me.

Then Victoria wanted me to look at our outside situation in a new light. Instead of seeing only the lack in this, how can I turn my conditions right now to a blessing. Not by force, but just by changing my focus. And wow, this also turned upside down in my head.

(ps. I have never ever forced myself to feel grateful or that I am blessed if I truly didn’t feel it! All this is energy and these energies are not always present. So I allowed myself to be fully fucked up, if that was something I was feeling in that moment. I was wise enough to not “rape” my soul by forcing it to feel something she was not feeling. This is a huge red flag for me in the spiritual world! All these beliefs caused me a lot of anxiety and even fear, before I had the courage to turn inwards and let all other noises fade away.)  

Until now I have been seeing only the things I don’t have or how things are so wrong right now. Until a few days ago as Victoria was whispering in my ear, my perspective just started to change naturally.  

So what do I have and am I truly lacking something? The answer is absolutely not! 

I have everything I need and more. I started to ask myself questions like: 

“Is it really true that you don’t have money (meaning zero pennies in my account)? And the honest answer is no. This is not true. I do have money in my account. Maybe not as much as Roger (my ego) would like to have, but some money is there. Even if there is one penny, the truth is, I have money. So did I really lose all my money? The honest answer is no. 

If I would still live in the old reality, looking outside, it might look like I don’t have anything. But I am breathing. I have food to eat. I can relax in my own safe space, no matter how small. I do have few people in my life. I have my health. I have clean air to breathe and I have nature literally right outside my door. 

My inner peace is beyond anything I ever imagined and the deep love and respect I feel for myself is just amazing! I am rich inside and it is starting to grow now and this richness no one can take away from me. Most importantly, I have me! I got my back now!

I gain all of this and more by losing “it all”. I lack nothing!

What happened a few days ago, has just been a big inner shift between the old and the new. From grieving the old to embracing the new. From lack to blessings. How cool is that?!

REMINDER!

A healthy relationship is always going to challenge you. Not in the way you've been challenged by unhealthy relationships, though. Instead of the constant anxiety of not feeling good enough or explaining your being, you'll be challenged to be a more mature, authentic and self-aware person. 

You'll be challenged to overcome old patterns, old beliefs, old ways of communicating, old ways of being. 

Inner growth is not easy and this is why healthy relationships are not easy. A healthy relationship requires a lot of courage, because in it you can't hide anything. A healthy relationship is based on honesty and truth. In a healthy relationship you just know that the other person is not there to harm you, but to see you grow, glow and flow.

If the relationship is healthy, it will challenge you to face yourself.

A healthy (healing) relationship is not easy, but it will free your soul. 

THE BIGGEST INNER SQUEEZE EVER!

I do have to say that I have “entered” into a new space within my inner world. I feel quite light, very calm in a very new way and there is this…. inner silence. All of a sudden all this annoying inner chatter is gone. 

This started last week after one of the biggest inner squeezes I have ever had. Something very old and heavy had a hold of me and as I wrote in the previous text, I kept hearing all these voices in my mind. I felt so heavy and the inner pain was so much that I literally wanted to die! I didn’t see how to get out of that feeling! 

My process has always been like this. When a big wound is ready to be seen, felt and healed, I first start to feel very uncomfortable and heavy. So my mind normally craps this feeling and starts to tell different stories of what’s going on: I am in a wrong place, I can’t expand here, I am half dead and look like a hundred years old, I want to die and so on. All kinds of variations. Even though I am so very aware of this healing process, I have not mastered my mind yet. I always get sucked in. 

It is like you have a thorn in your skin and suddenly it gets your attention. You see it, you feel it and it takes a little bit of time to collect the courage to pull it off. Before you are able to pull it off, your mind might tell you things like if you pull it out, the wound might get infected or if you pull it out a piece of the thorn might still stay in the wound. 

The mind will feed you any kind of bullshit to take your focus out of the wound and remove the thorn.  But when the timing is right, you finally have the courage to pull the thorn out. This is how my healing goes. I allow this uncomfortable feeling to be, I feel the pain even though it sometimes is unbearable. Usually the day before “I am able to pull the thorn out” my day is very very heavy and hard. So the process gets more and more intense before this inner emotional wound of mine pops open. It is really a physical and mental squeeze! 

This last one, as I said, was a big one. In my familyline, it seems, I took this wounding of my ancestors to heal in this lifetime. It was very hard, very painful and to be honest, this inner feeling that I had because of this huge wound, has been following me ever since I was born. There was a record playing in my head that I was just not able to break no matter what. I even said to my friend that maybe I am not able to heal this wound in this lifetime, because it felt so stubborn. 

It was not stubborn, it was BIG! Like a computer, I have been "clearing the old settings" now for so very long and finally we got to the core of my being. And I had the courage “to pull the thorn out”! We can only heal things that we are ready for. This takes time and patience and it is a process that we can't hurry. We need time in between to breathe, take a break, try to live a little and then BUM! Suddenly you start to feel something coming up to the surface again. Something might trigger you big time or as for me, I really didn’t need triggers that much anymore. I just knew from the heaviness of my body that now something wants to come up. 

After this huge inner squeeze, the next day, I just felt so very calm. So much inner peace that I have never felt before. All the voices, meaning my mind, were silent. I experienced this inner stillness I have never ever experienced before. I feel like I have more space inside of me. I now have this calmness and this subtle joy inside of me that I have never had before. This is a totally new place for me to be. Just being in stillness, in silence. Me who used to over share everything, has now nothing to say. What is there to say when you concentrate on feeling this new space I am in? 

It's like all the ways I used for healing are wiped out! No more questioning, analyzing, talking to get clarity. My mind and soul have never been this clear before! 

I feel like I am finally coming online again. Bit by bit. But this inner space I am in right now is something very new. I need to feel it, get to know it better and enjoy it! This can only happen in silence and in just being. 

It is amazing when you have this new awareness. A new flow. I finally am able to see bit by bit these small everyday things and enjoy them. I am not aiming anywhere. I don’t have goals. I just am. Right here, right now and see what comes next. Unbelievable feeling!

Always when “the thorn” is out, my body, as does the wound after the thorn has been taken out, needs time to heal. The wound is still fresh and open and I have to let my body heal in its own time. Thank god, even with the weight I have been gaining, I can now look at my body and tell her that she is perfect and that she has done an amazing job! Who cares about a few kilos! My body has had so many issues within this past year, so I need to show her a lot of love and compassion. As my wounds heal, so does my body. 

I am becoming this unconditionally loving person who is not interfering in anybody's journeys anymore. No one's journey here on earth is in my hands, but mine. I have now fully accepted this. This takes a lot of inner strength and I can now understand why my inner journey was so hard. The harder the journey, the stronger the inner world becomes. One of the rewards of this inner journey.

Another huge gift is inner wisdom I can't get from any book. To gain this kind of wisdom, you need to "walk the talk". Not just get the awareness, but actually put this new awareness into action. Nothing changes unless I change it. First comes the awareness, then the change in my behavior. Sticking with the old ways even with the new awareness can never bring anything new into one's life. I know now that the true inner work changes these both: consciousness and behavior.

I have always explained myself a lot. I wanted so desperately people in my life to understand what I was going through and where my thoughts were coming from. Now I understand that every time I explained myself, I was apologizing for my own being. It was me doubting myself and so by explaining myself to others I was seeking validation. It was a lack of self confidence. Now, I have totally new self confidence, so I don't need anyone to question my being or decisions anymore, nor do I have the need to explain myself to anyone anymore. Sharing, analyzing and questioning with a confidant was a necessary part of healing to me, because this always brought me clarity and helped me release the outdated fears, traumas and beliefs, but also the heaviness inside. It was like throwing up after eating something bad. Afterwards you always feel much better. But explaining myself was just me apologizing for my way of being and thinking. Wanting acceptance from others.

I don't question my soul. She will keep me safe and guide me. I am not allowing anyone or anything to blog my journey. This is why I have needed such clear boundaries and I have been able to set them. I will never again "be less than" just to make someone else comfortable. I am now very okay with the fact that I had to leave so many people behind, because they were more comfortable where they were with people who allowed them to stay in their comfort zones. I don't mind, because I respect everybody's journey and they came as far with me as they could. I honor that. With or without, I kept going. I am not here to settle into my comfort zone, I am fully dedicated to my soul purpose: unconditional loving.

I am not scared of reactions or triggering of others, I just choose to not be around people who put their own reactions on to me. I don't take other people's reactions personally anymore. Now everybody around me has to own their own reactions, triggers and behavior. I am not scared if people leave me, because I got me. Attachments are gone. And when the attachments are gone, people in my life are like birds: they come and go freely. Some stay longer, some only for a short while. As do I. Sometimes I stay longer, sometimes only a short while. No "cage" (codependency) is needed. The ones who truly love me, will always come back to me. As I will come back to them.

More than listening to the words of others, I feel the energy of them. I see and feel behind the words in ways I never have before. And if the energy doesn't match mine, I walk away. If I am "too much" for someone, I walk away.

" People can only meet you as deep as they meet themselves. Not everyone will celebrate your growth and that's okay. The right people will be inspired, not intimitated."

I have learned to have my back and this is what little Saija always wanted. I will always show up for her no matter what. Unconditionally, no questions asked. Just showing up. In joy, in sadness or in pain. I have the strength and courage now to face whatever comes my way. And the beauty in all of this is that if I can show up this way to myself, I am able to do it for others too.

Unconditional has nothing to do with "making sense". The soul's journey does not make sense at all to the mind or ego. As long as my journey makes sense to me, meaning my soul, I don't care anymore what others think or how they react. That is their journey, not mine.

Unconditional love is true freedom.

Right now I am just fully enjoying this new peaceful stillness and silence. 56 years of inner chatter. Criticizing, blaming, guiltying, shoulds and what ifs. One by one I have silenced these voices. One by one, they are gone. And now, this beautiful silence I have never ever in my life experienced before. There is only the voice of my soul, Victoria. So very silent, subtle. Very loving, supporting, encouraging and calming. Even joyful. 

Victoria (my soul), really has the lead now and me and Roger (my ego) can relax and just enjoy the ride. Years of “battle” between Victoria and Roger is now over and Saija survived! I am so very happy I had the courage to go through all this healing journey. Not only inside, but I was and I am also bringing this new being of mine into action. I had the courage to leave everything old behind so that I can start to align more with who I am today.

I might have lost everything, but I found home to myself! My authentic version. The version I was before the world got its hands on me.

Saija, I love you, I honor you and I am very humble in front of you. And just to let you know, you are one fucking badass 😍! 

WHY I AM HERE

This past week I have not been feeling so good. I got the flu, so it did slow me down. This meant that all my exercise efforts went out of the window. I have had so many bodily issues that I can not believe it! A person who has always had a very strong body has to now surrender to “bigger forces” and let go of any beliefs concerning exercise. My body is just not accepting forms of movement as it used to do. Everything feels boring to her. 

Anyway, as I have to slow things down even more and trust me, my pace has been very very slow for a long time, I start to hear this voice in my head more. Nagging, feeling unhappy, unsatisfied. Nothing is okay for her. 

For the past week or so she has gone so far that now she is questioning why are we here, on earth. What is the purpose for me to wake up every morning and keep going? This inner talk has gone so far already that she is preparing to leave this earth and “go home” whatever that means and wherever “home” is. 

Now with the wisdom I have gained throughout my inner journey, I can observe this inner voice and I can allow her to talk. To be seen. I can accept her fully without trying to change a thing. Okay my love, I say. Let’s talk about our dying then.

So you wanna leave. Give up. Take some sleeping pills and just sleep away. You know what, my soul says, if you wanna do this, I am okay with it. Why, because I am okay with dying. If this journey feels too hard and overwhelming, there is no shame in giving up. It is not even giving up, but making a life choice. 

As I sit with this idea of leaving this earth day after day, not trying to change it, not trying to judge it, not slipping into a fear, there are these three things that come up very clearly. 

First one is that now it is about time that my soul steps up. Fucking hell how boring healing and this life has become! The human side of me misses people, interaction, communication, creation, laughter, dancing. I am an extrovert, I love people and after being so long by myself, I start to understand that it is not healthy anymore. So, my human side is giving my soul an ultimatum. Either you step up and show me WHY AM I HERE or I go home! 

I need a reason to wake up every morning and nothing outside of me can not give me this. Only my soul can. Until now I have known that I needed space and isolation to dive deep into my being. And I have bravely done all of it. I also have let go of everything needed and I have had the guts to create healthy boundaries for myself. I have taken criticism and shit talk behind my back. I have let go of fears around money and I have courageously stuck on my soul's guidance even when having two euros in my account.

I haven’t budged! I have been dealing with these uncomfortable energies for so long that it has become the “new normal”. I have done this without complaining or trying to get out of it. I keep showing up every fucking day and now this voice is telling me that she has gotten to a point where her scream to my soul is getting louder and louder: “enough is enough! If you don’t show up for me now, I will leave this earth!” She is demanding my soul to step up and finally get us out of this shit!

The second thing I have been sitting with is suicide. When you cry alone in your house, feeling so helpless wondering why your soul is not guiding you. Why is she not helping? Everything feels so heavy and joyless that the only solution is get the sleeping pills and just allow yourself to fall asleep forever. And then these thoughts come to me. Would you judge yourself if you would leave because of your own choice? Would you think it is selfish? Would you love yourself less? Would you blame yourself after? Would you feel guilty? 

And suddenly I get this deep deep understanding behind a decision to take one's own life. It is very personal and unique and something no one else can ever understand. All I know is that if this is a decision someone makes, even myself, I respect it. I understand the pain behind it. I understand now why sometimes it feels like there is no other way “out”. It is like something keeps pulling you under the surface and nothing helps, absolutely nothing. So you pray to get out of the pain and suffering. To freedom. To relief. Now I can wholeheartedly accept and respect this choice and feel nothing but unconditional love for this. I understand now.

The third thing of wisdom this voice is bringing me is the voice of my ancestors. All the suffering they have gone through and how I am here to break all these chains of pain that women in my family line have gone through. I hear all their voices as this voice of mine keeps nagging in my ear. Maybe some of them committed suicide and this is why I truly needed to FEEL how they felt before they did it. And not to judge them because of their choices, but to forgive them and love them unconditionally. Show them the compassion they never experienced.

Now, for the first time ever, these ladies of my family line are being heard. They are being acknowledged. They can complain and nag all they want, I won’t interrupt or silence them. They deserve to be heard even though it is not easy for me. But all these ladies now have a voice and that voice is mine! All these ladies now have someone who protects them and has their back. These ladies now have someone who loves them and accepts them and their choices just as they were. I am setting all of us free with my inner strength, courage and bravery. I am leading all of us into the lighter times after decades of darkness, hurt, pain and suffering! These ladies, same as I, never experienced someone showing up for them, standing up for them. But now, I am and I do! For me and for them!

I am truly learning how to love myself unconditionally. I understand now that this is and was the whole point of healing. And this truly means unconditionally, no strings attached. Unconditional is the same as "let them", but at a very high (or deep) level. If I truly "let them", meaning I truly love unconditionally, I have to be able to put my own feelings aside, just show up for the people in my life, be present and truly "let them" live as they see fit to them. Not trying to convince otherwise, not trying to change anything. This is what I am practising for myself first and from this place to others.

What I resist, persists and the whole world is an example of this movement.

What if the answer is unconditional love, let them. Truly deeply. Less resistance creates less persistence. And when this resistance bit by bit dies, like a fire where you don't add wood, the persistence disappears. Resistance gives attention to the exact thing we don't want. 

No resistance kills harmful persistence. This is what unconditional love is. 

I have learned to love and honor my own inner journey deeply. I have learned to trust my soul fully. I don't judge, I either resonate with things and people or then I don't. If not, I move on. 

We live in a world that is full of awful things and happenings, resisting and persisting, so to be able to unconditionally love, just be present without any judgement, is a huge fucking deal! 

So I keep sitting with this voice as long as it is needed. I allow this voice to talk and share its wisdom to me. Even its pain. I feel it and this way I heal it!

And as always I didn't have a clue what came out when I sat in front of my computer and started to write. After pouring my soul in here I feel such a huge inner peace. I know I am learning this new way of living called "unconditional love". And that means love without any judgement whatsoever. If love truly is unconditional it does not separate anything, but accepts it all, no matter what it looks like.

Unconditional means unconditional. It is just present. It just is.

I will get there. That's why I am here.