I LOST IT ALL! OR DID I?

Today I bumped into a story where one lady was sharing how she lost everything during her awakening process. I am in that space right now that she was describing. But something in her voice spiked something inside of me. She was not being a victim, she was just sharing her story. There was this sadness, grief and maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed and I do recognize those emotions. It has been so hard. The grieff has been very real. 

But today Victoria (my soul) wanted me to see things in a different light. This turning point in my perspective happened a few days ago. Naturally. I caught myself within this very negative mindset where all I could see was lack. Lack of people, lack of money, lack of creativity, lack of a new reality, lack of motivation, lack of physical movement and so on. 

Lack lack lack!

Yes, I lost everything along the way within this awakening journey! Bit by bit the old has been stripped away: within me, people, material things. Money too. I’m at zero point. Yes, I have been feeling sad and lonely. I have been crying and wondering why. 

But now Victoria wanted me to dive deeper inside of me and ask myself what is it that I have actually lost? 

And as I sit here and start to think I am amazed how many things come to my mind! I was carrying all of this inside of me and all of these things reflected one way or another in my old reality either from myself or others. Unbelievable! So what did I actually lose?

Lack of self love. Disrespect. Not being seen or heard. Being invisible. Not being valued. Love that was conditional. Attachments. Codependency. Toxic trades and behaviors. Lack of responsibility for my own life. Not knowing how to apologize. Apologizing too much. A people pleaser without no boundaries. Over giver. Caretaker. A bully. Bullies. Being the target of others triggers. A person who did put my own triggers on others. Insecurities. Low self-esteem. Low self worth. Stress. Business. Planning. Controlling. Dissatisfaction. Broken heart. Unhappiness. Directionlessness. Tightness in my body. Sleepless nights. Anger. Hatred. Resentment. Judging. Jealousy. Grieff. Sadness. “My way or highway” thinking. “Black and white” thinking. The need to be right. Arguing. Taking people, things and even places for granted. Always wanting more. Closed off inner world. Expectations. Arrogance. Victimhood. A martyr. A coach. A besserwisser. Fear of money and income. Surviving. Fight or flight. The runner (meaning I was running away from looking in). Being broken. Not being the priority. Not trusting. Having no faith. 

Just to mention a few examples. 

All this needed to go and I can finally see this as a blessing without sadness or grief or heaviness in my heart. So yes, I have lost a lot, but maybe my grieving time is coming to an end? As much as I have lost, I have actually gained. Inside of me.

Then Victoria wanted me to look at our outside situation in a new light. Instead of seeing only the lack in this, how can I turn my conditions right now to a blessing. Not by force, but just by changing my focus. And wow, this also turned upside down in my head.

(ps. I have never ever forced myself to feel grateful or that I am blessed if I truly didn’t feel it! All this is energy and these energies are not always present. So I allowed myself to be fully fucked up, if that was something I was feeling in that moment. I was wise enough to not “rape” my soul by forcing it to feel something she was not feeling. This is a huge red flag for me in the spiritual world! All these beliefs caused me a lot of anxiety and even fear, before I had the courage to turn inwards and let all other noises fade away.)  

Until now I have been seeing only the things I don’t have or how things are so wrong right now. Until a few days ago as Victoria was whispering in my ear, my perspective just started to change naturally.  

So what do I have and am I truly lacking something? The answer is absolutely not! 

I have everything I need and more. I started to ask myself questions like: 

“Is it really true that you don’t have money (meaning zero pennies in my account)? And the honest answer is no. This is not true. I do have money in my account. Maybe not as much as Roger (my ego) would like to have, but some money is there. Even if there is one penny, the truth is, I have money. So did I really lose all my money? The honest answer is no. 

I don’t lack anything! 

If I would still live in the old reality, looking outside, it might look like I don’t have anything. But I am breathing. I have food to eat. I can relax in my own safe space, no matter how small. I do have few people in my life. I have my health. I have clean air to breathe and I have nature literally right outside my door. 

Most importantly, I have me! I got my back now! My inner peace is beyond anything I ever imagined and the deep love and respect I feel for myself is just amazing! I am rich inside and it is starting to grow now and this richness no one can take away from me. 

I gain all of this and more by losing “it all”.

What happened a few days ago, has just been a big inner shift between the old and the new. From grieving the old to embracing the new. From lack to blessings. How cool is that?!