THE BIGGEST INNER SQUEEZE EVER!

I do have to say that I have “entered” into a new space within my inner world. I feel quite light, very calm in a very new way and there is this…. inner silence. All of a sudden all this annoying inner chatter is gone. 

This started last week after one of the biggest inner squeezes I have ever had. Something very old and heavy had a hold of me and as I wrote in the previous text, I kept hearing all these voices in my mind. I felt so heavy and the inner pain was so much that I literally wanted to die! I didn’t see how to get out of that feeling! 

My process has always been like this. When a big wound is ready to be seen, felt and healed, I first start to feel very uncomfortable and heavy. So my mind normally craps this feeling and starts to tell different stories of what’s going on: I am in a wrong place, I can’t expand here, I am half dead and look like a hundred years old, I want to die and so on. All kinds of variations. Even though I am so very aware of this healing process, I had not mastered my mind yet. I always get sucked in. 

It is like you have a thorn in your skin and suddenly it gets your attention. You see it, you feel it and it takes a little bit of time to collect the courage to pull it off. Before you are able to pull it off, your mind might tell you things like if you pull it out, the wound might get infected or if you pull it out a piece of the thorn might still stay in the wound. 

The mind will feed you any kind of bullshit to take your focus out of the wound and remove the thorn.  But when the timing is right, you finally have the courage to pull the thorn out. This is how my healing goes. I allow this uncomfortable feeling to be, I feel the pain even though it sometimes is unbearable. Usually the day before “I am able to pull the thorn out” my day is very very heavy and hard. So the process gets more and more intense before this inner emotional wound of mine pops open. It is really a physical and mental squeeze! 

This last one, as I said, was a big one. In my familyline, it seems, I took this wounding of my ancestors to heal in this lifetime. It was very hard, very painful and to be honest, this inner feeling that I had because of this huge wound, has been following me ever since I was born. There was a record playing in my head that I was just not able to break no matter what. I even said to my friend that maybe I am not able to heal this wound in this lifetime, because it felt so stubborn. 

It was not stubborn, it was BIG! Like a computer, I have been "clearing the old settings" now for so very long and finally we got to the core of my being. And I had the courage “to pull the thorn out”! We can only heal things that we are ready for. This takes time and patience and it is a process that we can't hurry. We need time in between to breathe, take a break, try to live a little and then BUM! Suddenly you start to feel something coming up to the surface again. Something might trigger you big time or as for me, I really didn’t need triggers that much anymore. I just knew from the heaviness of my body that now something wants to come up. 

After this huge inner squeeze, the next day, I just felt so very calm. So much inner peace that I have never felt before. All the voices, meaning my mind, were silent. I experienced this inner stillness I have never ever experienced before. I feel like I have more space inside of me. I now have this calmness and this subtle joy inside of me that I have never had before. This is a totally new place for me to be. Just being in stillness, in silence. Me who used to over share everything, has now nothing to say. What is there to say when you concentrate on feeling this new space I am in? 

It's like all the ways I used for healing are wiped out! No more questioning, analyzing, talking to get clarity. My mind and soul have never been this clear before! 

I feel like I am finally coming online again. Bit by bit. But this inner space I am in right now is something very new. I need to feel it, get to know it better and enjoy it! This can only happen in silence and in just being. 

It is amazing when you have this new awareness. A new flow. I finally am able to see bit by bit these small everyday things and enjoy them. I am not aiming anywhere. I don’t have goals. I just am. Right here, right now and see what comes next. Unbelievable feeling!

Always when “the thorn” is out, my body, as does the wound after the thorn has been taken out, needs time to heal. The wound is still fresh and open and I have to let my body heal in its own time. Thank god, even with the weight I have been gaining, I can now look at my body and tell her that she is perfect and that she has done an amazing job! Who cares about a few kilos! My body has had so many issues within this past year, so I need to show her a lot of love and compassion. As my wounds heal, so does my body. 

I am becoming this unconditionally loving person who is not interfearing in anybody's journeys anymore. No ones journey here on earth is in my hands, but mine. I have now fully accepted this. This takes a lot of inner strength and I can now understand why my inner journey was so hard. The harder the journey, the stronger the inner world becomes. One of the rewards of this inner journey.

Another huge gift is inner wisdom I can't get from any book. To gain this kind of wisdom, you need to "walk the talk". Not just get the awareness, but actually put this new awareness into action. Nothing changes unless I change it. First comes the awareness, then the change in my behavior. Sticking with the old ways even with the new awareness can never bring anything new into ones life. I know now that the true inner work changes these both: consciousness and behavior.

I have always explained myself a lot. I wanted so desperately people in my life to understand what I was going through and where my thoughts were coming from. Now I understand that every time I explained myself, I was apologizing my own being. It was me doubting myself and so by explaining myself to others I was seeking for validation. It was lack of self confidence. Now, I have totally new self confidence, so I don't need anyone to question my being or decisions anymore, nor do I have the need to explain myself to anyone anymore. Sharing, analyzing and questioning with a confidant was a necessary part of healing to me, because this always brought me clarity and helped me release the outdated fears, traumas and beliefs, but also the heaviness inside. It was like throwing up after eating something bad. Afterwards you always feel much better. But explaining myself, was just me apologizing my way of being and thinking. Wanting acceptance from others.

I don't question my soul. She will keep me safe and guide me. I am not allowing anyone or anything to blog my journey. This is why I have needed such a clear boundaries and I have been able to set them. I will never again "be less than" just to make someone else comfortable. I am now very okay with the fact that I had to leave so many people behind, because they were more comfortable where they were with people who allowed them to stay in their comfort zones. I don't mind, because I respect everybody's journey and they came as far with me as they could. I honor that. With or without, I kept going. I am not here to settle into my comfort zone, I am fully dedicated to my soul purpose: unconditional loving.

I am not scared of reactions or triggering of others, I just choose to not be around people who put their own reactions on to me. I don't take other people's reactions personally anymore. Now everybody around me has to own their own reactions, triggers and behavior. I am not scared if people leave me, because I got me. Attachments are gone. And when the attachments are gone, people in my life are like birds: they come and go freely. Some stay longer, some only for a short while. As do I. Sometimes I stay longer, sometimes only a short while. No "cage" (codependency) is needed. The ones who truly love me, will always come back to me. As I will come back to them.

More than listening to the words of others, I feel the energy of them. I see and feel behind the words in ways I never have before. And if the energy don't match mine, I walk away. If I am "too much" for someone, I walk away.

" People can only meet you as deep as they meet themselves. Not everyone will celebrate your growth and that's okay. The right people will be inspired, not intimitated."

I have learned to have my back and this is what little Saija always wanted. I will always show up for her no matter what. Unconditionally, no questions asked. Just showing up. In joy, in sadness or in pain. I have the strength and courage now to face what ever comes my way. And the beauty in all of this is that if I can show up this way to myself, I am able to do it for others too.

Unconditional has nothing to do with "making sense". Soul's journey does not make sense at all to the mind or ego. As long as my journey makes sense to me, meaning my soul, I don't care anymore what others thing or how they react. That is their journey, not mine.

Unconditional love is true freedom.

Right now I am just fully enjoying this new peaceful stillness and silence. 56 years of inner chatter. Criticizing, blaming, guiltying, shoulds and what ifs. One by one I have silenced these voices. One by one, they are gone. And now, this beautiful silence I have never ever in my life experienced before. There is only the voice of my soul, Victoria. So very silent, subtle. Very loving, supporting, couraging and calming. Even joyful. 

Victoria (my soul), really has the lead now and me and Roger (my ego) can relax and just enjoy the ride. Years of “battle” between Victoria and Roger is now over and Saija survived! I am so very happy I had the courage to go through all this healing journey. Not only inside, but I was and I am also bringing this new being of mine into action. I had the courage to leave everything old behind so that I can start to align more with who I am today.

I might have lost everything, but I found home to myself! My authentic version. The version I was before the world got its hands on me.

Saija, I love you, I honor you and I am very humble in front of you. And just to let you know, you are one fucking badass 😍!