WHY I AM HERE

This past week I have not been feeling so good. I got the flu, so it did slow me down. This meant that all my exercise efforts went out of the window. I have had so many bodily issues that I can not believe it! A person who has always had a very strong body has to now surrender to “bigger forces” and let go of any beliefs concerning exercise. My body is just not accepting forms of movement as it used to do. Everything feels boring to her. 

Anyway, as I have to slow things down even more and trust me, my pace has been very very slow for a long time, I start to hear this voice in my head more. Nagging, feeling unhappy, unsatisfied. Nothing is okay for her. 

For the past week or so she has gone so far that now she is questioning why are we here, on earth. What is the purpose for me to wake up every morning and keep going? This inner talk has gone so far already that she is preparing to leave this earth and “go home” whatever that means and wherever “home” is. 

Now with the wisdom I have gained throughout my inner journey, I can observe this inner voice and I can allow her to talk. To be seen. I can accept her fully without trying to change a thing. Okay my love, I say. Let’s talk about our dying then.

So you wanna leave. Give up. Take some sleeping pills and just sleep away. You know what, my soul says, if you wanna do this, I am okay with it. Why, because I am okay with dying. If this journey feels too hard and overwhelming, there is no shame in giving up. It is not even giving up, but making a life choice. 

As I sit with this idea of leaving this earth day after day, not trying to change it, not trying to judge it, not slipping into a fear, there are these three things that come up very clearly. 

First one is that now it is about time that my soul steps up. Fucking hell how boring healing and this life has become! Human side of me misses people, interaction, communication, creation, laughter, dancing. I am an extrovert, I love people and after being so long by myself, I start to understand that it is not healthy anymore. So, my human side is giving my soul an ultimatum. Either you step up and show me WHY AM I HERE or I go home! 

I need a reason to wake up every morning and nothing outside of me can not give me this. Only my soul can. Until now I have known that I needed space and isolation to dive deep into my being. And I have bravely done all of it. I also have let go of everything needed and I have had the guts to create healthy boundaries for myself. I have taken criticism and shit talk behind my back. I have let go of fears around money and I have courageously stuck on my soul's guidance even when having two euros in my account. I haven’t budged! I have been dealing with these uncomfortable energies for so long that it has become the “new normal”. I have done this without complaining or trying to get out of it. I keep showing up every fucking day and now this voice is telling me that she has gotten to a point where her scream to my soul is getting louder and louder: “enough is enough! If you don’t show up for me now, I will leave this earth!” She is demanding my soul to step up and finally get us out of this shit!

The second thing I have been sitting with is suicide. When you cry alone in your house, feeling so helpless wondering why your soul is not guiding you. Why she is not helping. Everything feels so heavy and joyless that the only solution is get the sleeping pills and just allow yourself to fall asleep forever. And then these thoughts come to me. Would you judge yourself if you would leave because of your own choice? Would you think it is selfish? Would you love yourself less? Would you blame yourself after? Would you feel guilty? 

And suddenly I get this deep deep understanding behind a decision to take one's own life. It is very personal and unique and something no one else can not ever understand. All I know is that if this is a decision someone makes, even myself, I respect it. I understand the pain behind it. I understand now why sometimes it feels like there is no other way “out”. It is like something keeps pulling you under the surface and nothing helps, absolutely nothing. So you pray to get out of the pain and suffering. To freedom. To releaf. Now I can wholeheartedly accept and respect this choice and feel nothing but unconditional love for this. I understand now.

The third thing of wisdom this voice is bringing me is the voice of my ancestors. All the suffering they have gone through and how I am here to break all these chains of pain that women in my familyline have gone through. I hear all their voices as this voice of mine keeps nagging in my ear. Maybe some of them committed suicide and this is why I truly needed to FEEL how they felt before they did it. And not to judge them because of their choices, but to forgive them and love them unconditionally. Show them the compassion they never experienced.

Now, for the first time ever, these ladies of my familyline are being heard. They are being acknowledged. They can complain and nag all they want, I won’t interrupt or silence them. They deserve to be heard even though it is not easy for me. But all these ladies now have a voice and that voice is mine! All these ladies now have someone who protects them and has their back. These ladies now have someone who loves them and accepts them and their choices just as they were. I am setting all of us free with my inner strength, courage and bravery. I am leading all of us into the lighter times after decades of darkness, hurt, pain and suffering! These ladies, same as I, never experienced someone showing up for them, standing up for them. But now, I am and I do! For me and for them!

I am truly learning how to love myself unconditionally. I understand now that this is and was the whole point of healing. And this truly means unconditionally, no strings attached. Unconditional is the same as "let them", but at a very high (or deep) level. If I truly "let them", meaning I truly love unconditionally, I have to be able to put my own feelings aside, just show up for the people in my life, be present and truly "let them" live as they see fit to them. Not trying to convince otherwise, not trying to change anything. This is what I am practising for myself first and from this place to others.

What I resist, persists and the whole world is an example of this movement.

What if the answer is unconditional love, let them. Truly deeply. Less resistance creates less persistance. And when this resistance bit by bit dies, like a fire where you don't add wood, the persistance dissappears. Resistance gives attention to the exact thing we don't want. 

No resistance kills harmful persistance. This is what unconditional love is. 

I have learned to love and honor my own inner journey deeply. I have learned to trust my soul fully. I don't judge, I eather resonate with thing and people or then I don't. If not, I move on. 

We live in a world that is full of awful things and happenings, resisting and persisting, so to be able to unconditionally love, just be present without any judgement, is a huge fucking deal! 

So I keep sitting with this voice as long as it is needed. I allow this voice to talk and share its wisdom to me. Even its pain. I feel it and this way I heal it!

And as always I didn't have a clue what comes out when I sit in front of my computer and start to write. After pouring my soul in here I feel such a huge inner peace. I know I am learning this new way of living called "unconditional love". And that means love without any judgement whatsoever. If love truly is unconditional it does not separate anything, but accepts it all, no matter how it looks like.

Unconditional means unconditional. It is just present. It just is.

I will get there. That's why I am here.