Perfect Enough!

Has the world lost its mind?

For the past few years I have been a slave to my routines, because these routines have brought me stability when everything else around me has been falling apart. My mornings are so slow and long, completely rush-free. Lovely!

More than a year ago, when I transitioned into my isolation phase, I decided to delete all my social media profiles. I started by deleting all my friends, and after that, I intended to delete both FB and Insta. Then I started to go through my pics and my posts, and I just couldn’t go through with it. There is so much good stuff there!

As I went quiet in my physical life, I also went quiet on social media. For a woman who used to have so much to say now had no desire to post anything. A few times, I opened the apps and I truly wanted to make a post. But nothing came out. Absolutely nothing! And these days, I don't force anything.

I shared my thoughts along my healing journey for a long time because it was a tool for me to become visible to myself, and at the same time, it was a perfect opportunity for me to face so many of my fears.

Now, when I look at the content on social media, the only thought I have is that I don’t want to waste my precious energy and wisdom in places where they are not truly valued.

How much the overall energy on social media has changed over the years is unbelievable!

Can you remember when FB first came out? It was amazing! What a great way to find long-lost relatives, friends, and co-workers! I remember how cool it was to connect with an old friend living in the US or Africa. It was a revolutionary invention where I was able to create my own social circle and had the chance to be a part of others' lives, even when living in different parts of the world! At the time, it was very nice to post pics and texts on social media and to follow your friends' lives. There was a pure intention behind it, and I really enjoyed it.

Then came Instagram and I have always liked that one from the beginning. Simple, lovely pics!

Bit by bit, all this started to change. Because of money. More ads and fewer updates from friends to see in your feed. Within a few years, all the glamour of this brilliant invention was gone from both of them. The joy and lightness that were so present before are now gone.

All because of money.

Social media now feels really heavy and even oppressive. Even though I try to control the things I see, I can’t always believe the kind of stuff that pops into my feed. It is really hard to control the algorithm because now the admins just want to keep you hooked and keep you clicking.

Again, all because of money.

There are no rules about what you can post!

The content is so unbelievable—it is crazy! Everything is being filmed shamelessly. Attention-seeking is desperate, and one must get followers by any means, without any respect towards oneself or others. Even OF content is made in front of kids at football games or at the gym.

People think they are entitled to everything.

You can no longer tell what is real and what is AI.

We blame youngsters for being glued to their phones and how they lose social skills because of this. And of course, distress is increasing.

But instead of blaming the youngsters, we 'adults' should take a deep look in the mirror. We are running away from our own lives by getting addicted to this small box, following people who don’t mean anything to us. And at the same time, we ignore the most important people in our lives.

Someone dying or getting beaten up is just another reel in our feed.

I sometimes think that this world has totally lost its mind! I open my app and sit with my mouth open. Am I the only one with common sense?! When did we become so unconscious about what is right and what is wrong?! Is it only me who can see how immature and irresponsible people are?!

I am not a conspiracy theorist or a hippie, but my own healing (maturing) has opened my eyes to see how broken this world is!

We accept all kinds of toxic behavior without having the courage to interfere in any way. I call this toxic empathy. We understand shitty behavior way too much, but now we can see what this kind of toxic empathy and understanding has done to the world. It is a bit like buying alcohol for an alcoholic and then wondering why they don’t stop drinking!

Civilized behavior, manners like 'thank you,' and 'you are welcome' seem to be becoming extinct. Accountability and apologizing are totally disappearing. In fact, we are so clueless and unconscious that we don’t even realize which behaviors are disrespectful!

What we are witnessing now is a trauma resurrection! Everybody is offended by everything. Every action and person is being criticized and bullied. There are fights and arguments about nothing. People are getting offended, harassed, and even threatened with violence or death!

And these are all reactions of emotionally immature people. Those people who keep transferring their own shit (trauma) to their kids, inner circle and all around them instead of looking in the mirror and having the courage to start healing their own inner world. Reactive instead of reflective!

Mature and content people don’t bully anyone, nor do they feel the need to bring anybody down! They don’t waste their time fighting about stupid things. Mature people can respect other points of view without getting angry.

I myself miss authenticity and depth. I miss healthy empathy and sympathy. More love! I miss the energy that used to be present on these platforms before the pursuit of money and attention took over.

Since my healing, my world has become so different from the world I see. While others are crying for attention and outside validation, my world has become so nice and peaceful. My self-esteem doesn't need validation from anyone. As others get busier and busier, my world gets slower and slower. The more patience disappears from the world, the more it grows in mine. Where others are trying to be perfect, I am happy to be perfect enough. If you want to define me by my looks and not through my personality, you dont deserve me.

I don’t care what you wear, but who you are. I don’t care how much money you have, but how you treat your family and people you don’t know. I don’t care about your fancy title, but I do care about your values.

Now, when someone asks me what it is that I do these days, I say: things that make me happy. Or if they ask about my goals, I say it is to keep and grow my inner peace. Or if they ask me what I want to accomplish, I say: to have a good time and good life.

I don’t think my body could get back to the busy life. After years of survival mode, I really want to learn how to get out of it. That is my goal.

I am a creative person and I have this massive wisdom that comes from experience. Sometimes I feel this big push to bring it out into the world. How or where, I don’t know and it frustrates me every now and then.

So, instead of posting anything, I breathe in some good ass prana, I put my sneakers on, and I head to the woods where I can admire the fields, flowers, and trees. I can smell autumn in the air.

My phone or social media have never been my number one priority. I'm going to stick with this. Scrolling is not that important, and I most certainly am not addicted to it. My life is so much more than that little box, and social media doesn’t define me in any way.

Let the world be fucked up. At least I am not creating more of the chaos. Quite the opposite.

A simple life, defined by me. That’s my thing.

FRESH START

Suomeksi: Uusi alku

For a while now I have had this desire to “start fresh”, but there has been no inner clarity on how to do it. And yesterday I realized that I can not start fresh without my past. I respect it too much just to “erase” it totally. I wouldn’t be me without my past.

Yesterday was an amazing day with wonderful surprises and I ended up home happy after a long bike ride. I had a beautiful encounter at an art exhibition with the artist herself and it opened my eyes to see things yet again from a new perspective. For me it is amazing how openly I have been able to write down my thoughts so that I can get clarity for myself.

And that’s why I am here again!

“I don’t care that much what it is that I have done and when. Instead I am more interested in how the people I’ve met have affected me and the person I am today.” - Saku Tuomisto -

Well to be honest, I am a little bit interested in what I have done, but absolutely, the biggest reason for my inner change has been the people I have met and how they have affected me.

For the past year I have been mostly by myself, isolated you could say. Not only did I need time for myself, but my body has been going through a big transformation. All the pain that was hidden somewhere deep inside of me, now surfaced. As emotions, but also as a physical pain. My mind and my body were really going through it. Some days I was able to move my body some way, but there also was a time period where she couldn’t do anything. Ex-completer-Saijas back pain was at times so bad that I didn’t know which way to be.

Rewiring my nervous system from survival mode to peace and trust mode has not been easy. To be honest, I don’t think I am quite done yet, but at least I am in a much better place than let’s say, a month ago.

At some point on my healing journey I realized that therapy alone was not enough for me. In therapy my mind got understanding about past events and the traumas they have caused, but it was very important to start to FEEL those emotions I have suffocated for so long. For that I needed something else than therapy. For me this was yoga, energy treatments and other methods, so that I was able to get quiet in front of my body. And to feel! This was my way to get connected to my body. My body, who is the carrier of all my stories and emotions, my most important messenger.

Yesterday I was reading one of my diaries that I started to write at the beginning of 2024. I couldn’t read it that long, because the days were so similar; peaceful mornings, long walks and grocery shopping. Otherwise, home alone. Accompanied by Netflix. The change was so huge, since I came back to Finland from a 120 m3 apartment and from a social culture, to this situation where I am basically isolated in a 20 m3 flat. I was very surprised to see how much business and people controlling their lives had increased in Finland within these years I was away.

For me, coming back to Finland meant that I had to go back, one more time, to my old role and go through my relationships here one by one. The more authentic and honest I became, the more I was left alone. I have spent Christmases, labourdays, Easters and other holidays alone. I simply was not invited. Or then I didn’t want to go anymore.

I have lived without schedules, busyness, community, hand to mouth. I haven’t had money to travel or buy new clothes other than from flea markets.

I have gotten countless amounts of “knives in my back” without apologies, explained my being and feelings way too much and I have taken too much criticism based on someone else's triggers. It was very sad to notice that I was not in anybody’s priority list and I was left alone with my challenges.

I have sat hundreds of hours by the lake of Tuusula thinking deeply. I have walked millions of kilometers listening to music. I have watched thousands of movies. Countless hours laying on my sofa and staring at my walls or clouds. I have had my own sparkling wine parties and laughed with tears in my eyes to Insta reels.

I didn’t have a place to run away from myself. No summer cottage, no trips abroad. I had to dive deep into my soul and really clean the rest of the shit out of me. Whether I wanted it or not. Ego death after ego death, rebirth after rebirth. Many times I have wondered how many people could have gone through what I have gone through and survived. And I almost did not.

After reading my diary I notice how much letting go I have gone through. Not just the inner world (fears, conditioning, traumas and so on), but also in my outer world.

But you know, nothing is a coincidence! When everything outside of me was gone (people, money, community and so on), I found all inside; support, safety, responsibility, love, respect, presence. All that I used to look outside. “From now on, I will always be here and I will never ever abandon you again!” All the masks and stories of others were lost for good and all that was left was the authentic, real me.

And when I got into this space, this huge inner peace that I have never experienced before, occurred!

Now gone is drama, disloyalty, lying, gossiping, sarcasm, manipulation, people pleasing, back stabbing, meetings scheduled somewhere in the future. And what is left is real people who accept me just the way I am. They are not jealous and they don’t need or expect anything from me. We don’t ruminate about the state of the world or how others live their lives. No one is being judged nor looked down on. We don’t need to be right nor coach anyone. We don’t have to prove that we are right, but all views are welcome.

They CHOOSE me in their lives just as I choose them. They make time for me and they actually WANT to spend time with me. With them I don’t have to think whether I can call or not or are they talking shit behind my back when I am not around. They will stick up for me even when I am not present. And every chat is so very fruitful!

The way I see this world is that every person close to me is a mirror to some part of myself. And the more I did inner clearing the more the outside mirrors (people) started to change. Of course. My outer world is a straight reflection of who I am inside.

If you talk shit about others behind their back, I am 100 % sure that your inner talk is criticism. I am talking from an experience. So yes, I have been and done all the things mentioned above and I have now outgrown all of it.

It is so cool to get in touch with your own inner being and find this loyal, bighearted lady who is joyful by nature, authentic, loud, quiet, talkative, thinker, questioner. Who loves people, but needs a lot of alone time. And who loves being alone now. Who is calm, patient and sometimes totally fucked up. Who loves to write and to decorate. Who loves colors and nuances. And plants. And trees.

I can forgive, but I remember what I have learned. I listen, but I can now stand up for myself. I am kind, but not a doormat. I am emphatic, patient and even understanding, but I will not be manipulated or disrespected anymore. I am a peacemaker, but I will keep my boundaries. I am straight and direct. I am gracious, but I don’t want toxic behavior close to me. I care deeply, but I will never again neglect my own needs. I love unconditionally, but sometimes it has to be from a far.

I am ridiculously sensitive to energies and before I thought it was a weakness. Now it is one of my superpowers. I can sense straight away, if something feels off. I can sense lying, schemes, masks, fake friendliness, traumas, fears, everything. Words can be anything, but I feel the energies underneath the words.

I have learned not to explain my being or my inner journey with people who have not gone through it. They can never understand me. This is a waste of my precious time. I don’t care at all what others think of me. I don’t take anyone's words personally.

Through my superpower I have learned that people reveal themselves within a few minutes. Who they are. Now I don’t see the “potential”, I see the truth. Before I was listening with my triggers, now I truly hear what others say. I will not carry anyone in any way anymore, so abound me, everyone has to take responsibility for themselves fully. And I am not your therapist.

I know exactly what kind of energy I want around me and I will not compromise. With right, mature people, living is easy. It is commitment, choosing, respect and love. The phones will ring both ways.

I am not perfect and now I don’t even expect myself to be. I fuck up and make mistakes, but I take full responsibility of them. I know how to apologize and I will learn from my mistakes. That’s why I am here on earth, to learn! I will never be a holy person, but highly conscious for sure!

I have done as much shit to others as I have gotten back, I am sure (karma is a bitch!). But this toxic circle has now ended.

My values are in order.

How cool is it that I am the most poor I have ever been in my life and yet, I have never been this rich. My value doesn’t come outside of me, nor from someone else's likes or words.

You know, you can get knowledge from books as much as you want, but wisdom and skills come from experience. From going through shit, from doing and from making mistakes. And this, almost 20 year inner journey, has brought me so much wisdom that you can not measure it with money. It is priceless! I can see now clearly that I have shared my wisdom with people who do not appreciate it. They are not willing to learn more about themselves, nor do they have the ability to self reflect.

Questioning everything, even my own thinking for sure, is a sign of wisdom!

I don’t need comments or advice anymore. I trust myself and my inner guidance fully. But, I will always be curious about new perspectives.

Who the hell decided anyway what is the “right way to live”?!?

I am sure that all of us will go through some kind of hell here on earth, so could it be time to have some grace? For ourselves and for others. I don’t know why “I woke up”, but there is nothing I could be more grateful for.

The world is missing love, respect, backbone and accountability at this moment and without them there can not be true freedom. I am very proud to be one of those who does not add suffering into this world and I truly have healed myself.

I am very proud of myself and my bravery.

“The planet does not need more successful people.

The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers,

storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.”

Huggs,

Saija 😍

GOODBYE FAREWELL!

I opened this blog today just to see if there would be something I want to write. Create. And to my surprise this blog now seems somehow old to me. The joy it used to bring me, now feels a bit heavy. It is so very interesting how these inner changes occur!

I have noticed that the more I feel, the less I have to say. Words get meaningless, because everything becomes . And energy is something you feel. It is hard to put this energy into words. And energy is always on the move. Even though nothing seems to happen outside, a lot is happening inside. There are subtle changes happening inside of me and that amazes me every time.

I took a trip a while ago with a and it was very very nice. One night here, one night there, but having your home always with you. How cool! Good food, good wine, good company, very beautiful scenery, and meeting new random people. I feel like the oldness, I was writing about in my last post, left my system for good on this journey. I came back feeling much more lighter, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t feel old anymore as I did before. And as always when the old and heavy leaves, the new and fresh has more space.

This inner journey has brought to me a huge inner peace and a deep and respect towards myself. As I have learned to listen only to myself, I have noticed that I don’t want or need advice or comments from outside on how to be, what to do or how to live. I have broken all the boxes and took out all the labels. Only I can know what is best for me no matter if it is food, exercise, people or any doing. Only I can know how I feel and what I am ready for.

Stepping into my own power and my own has made me realize that I don’t know anything! The more I grow, the less I know. Who am I to comment or give advice to anyone else?! The in me has died.

We all look at this world through our own “eyeclasses”. Meaning that we all have our own experiences, beliefs, fears and so on. This is why each life path is so unique. Whenever I am giving advice to someone, I give them through my own life experience. If two people are eating the same pizza, the experience can be totally different.

We are stepping into the new era of uniqueness and away from group

thinking. We are transferring from spirituality to conscious living.

This means or how I see it is, that we have been living through the mind (things had to make sense), but now we are moving from the mind to the heart and into our "gut feeling" (intuition, our own inner guidance system).

Eventually we will enter a time where our inner system becomes energetic. We FEEL instead of THINK. We live through vibration. If and when we are truly connected to our body and feelings, we know straight away if something is for us or not and we live accordingly.

As we can see right now the way the world is, emotions are running high and instead of sitting with them, feeling and healing, they are taken outside on to others: hatred, anger, wars and so on.

This is why all I can do is encourage you to take for your own life. Find people who can support you in this! To learn how to trust yourself and what you are feeling fully. Only you can know what is best for you and how you want to live this life. You have your own timetable for your processes. If you want to change a job, you do it when you are ready. Not when someone tells you to do so. Processes take time and patience and this is very normal and okay!

Life is not a race, it is a marathon!

Support is very different from advising someone. Whatever works for someone else, might not work for you. So please, don’t follow the crowd or any gurus blindly, but have the courage to turn inwards and hear your own heart. Only your heart can lead you into the source of inner peace and self love.

World peace is built from the amount of inner peace each individual has inside of them. If your own inner world is full of , hatred, anger, repressed feelings, fears and so on, you are in a “war/emergency” zone. And as we can see how the world is today, this reflects straight into our outside world.

Clearing and healing your own inner world and taking full responsibility of your own life, requires a lot of courage and commitment. I salute each and everyone of you who are “doing the work” or are starting to do so.

If we want more peace and love to this world, it has to start individually.

Thank you and let's see what comes next for me.

Big hugs,

😍

RELEASING THE BOXES OF AGE AND AGING

Yesterday I went to get coffee from a coffee shop before my hairdresser and the salesman said: “so, one pensioner coffee?” I was in shock! I didn’t even know what to say! I am not in pension and I surely don’t look 65 years old. I am sure I look like my own age, but not 65!

I was like “what did you say, you think I am 65?!” And he got so emparrassed! He truly didn’t know what to say to me. He was just giggling nervously, but didn’t apologize! I felt awful and he was ashamed. Shitty situation for both of us.

I took my coffee and went outside. I sat on a bench and I allowed myself to fully feel this judgement that this world is carrying these days towards aging. I felt so very sad, like I don’t matter and that I would be better off dead already. This is the message the outside world is sending about aging. Stay forever young or die!

Ever since I came back to I have realized that I have been struggling with my age. I always felt accepted in . I never even thought about my age, but here it is thrown to my face all the time! Everywhere! It is anoying and it is starting to be boring to me.

I also have felt old, because I have matured so much and when I look at the immaturity of the world, it for some reason makes me feel old. The collective energy is heavy and as an energetic person that makes me feel heavy and old. I am very sensitive to energies and they affect my looks also very much. So here in Finland my appearance always changes a lot.

When you meet someone they use sentences like: “in our age…”. I hate it and these days I also say it. Whatever beliefs someone else has about their aging, it has nothing to do with me. I don’t want to be part of other people's belief systems.

If you go to social media it is all about looks, “in this age” -messages and some fucking new labels (boxes) like “”. We people are masters of creating these boxes that separate us from each other. Amazing!

There have been so many things happening and reflecting aging to me for the past few years and finally I stopped in front of this today. I still sometimes forget that whatever is beeing reflected to me from the outside, has nothing to do with the outside world, but it has everything to do with me.

How ever someone sees me has nothing to do with me. I am just reflecting their own view of themselves. People are so scared of aging and dying and when those fears are not felt and healed, it creates the reality that we can see in the outside world. I call this the “plastic era”.

All these beliefs about aging have never really resonated with me. I don't listen to how people "in my age" should exercise or what people "in this age" should eat. The world is full of ways to make money and aging is one of them, just like spirituality. This is also where all these beliefs come from. Well, I only listen to my unique body, because she is the only one who knows what we need and what is good for us.

So what’s going on then with me and my "aging"?

As Victoria (my soul) always says to me, nothing can heal or leave your system, before you are able to recognise it and become aware of it. When this happens, this healing and releasing is already happening. These days this process happens very naturally with me.

So today I got the clarity that there is a release of an old energy happening inside of me right now. My inner job is to allow this energy to be erased from my data finally for good. This will free me from "the age and aging box" for good. I will try to explain what I mean by this.

I want to separate this energetic release from my human side. As a human called Saija I am very okay with who I am and what I look like. I am also very okay with my age and my wrinkles. I don’t need to hide them or try to get rid of them. I am also not trying to be younger than I am. I have youthful energy inside and this is all that matters to me.

And I have to remind myself that the past years my body has been healing and this is why it has needed a lot of “being” time. This was self care and how I looked or if I gained weight because of this, it was secondary.

What I am talking about here is some kind of “inner setting” about aging that I have always had. It is something deep, I really can not even put it in words fully, because it is energy. Age and aging is a human thing, but this “old and heavy” energy is leaving my body and it is being replaced with something much lighter. Something limitless, timeless. This is part of becoming fully free. This is my soul breaking yet another “box” I have been put into.

So this is not about me not being okay with aging nor is it about any fear or belief about age, it is way deeper than that. This also isn’t about trauma. How I know it is because I don’t get triggered. I just feel sad and frustrated and this is only, because “age” is so limiting! And I am becoming limitless! Not only am I not defined by my profession, my studies, my roles, my sex and so on. Now this includes even my age!

My soul truly is limitless! It is vibrant, playful and really doesn’t fit into any labels or boxes humans have been creating. I am a soul called Saija and I came to this earth 56 years ago. It is as simple as that.

And as a soul called Saija who is limitless, I really don’t have time or interest to play these games of aging anymore. They seem like a waste of time for me and very very old, heavy and boring. Superficial. I have more important things to do. I have no interest in faking my age or anything about me for that matter. I really don’t care how people see me, because at the end like I said before, we see others as we see ourselves.

I might still need mirrors of “aging” as long as this constricted, very heavy energy, has fully left my body and that’s okay.

Now as I am writing this Victoria is whispering in my ear: “These mirrors help you to release this energy faster, so bless them. These people are the earth angels who are helping you with your inner process and inner release. The old energy has fully left your body when people stop commenting on your age or when you don’t feel anything anymore, if they do.”

I am amazed how this process is moving forward. After the last big squeeze in March, my body has been, bit by bit, releasing a lot of old energy and filling itself with new, ligher energy. How far from natural living I was and how deeply happy I am now that my ways of being here on earth are finally becoming so natural! Nothing outside is guiding me, only me.

I am a soul and a human called Saija and I am very grounded to this earth. I don’t fly high in the clouds or talk to my guides 24/7. I live my everyday life the best way I can in a very grounded way. I don't resist aging, paying bills or anything else I as a human am going through. And then I have this other part of me where all the wisdom lies and this magic keeps happening!

I am now an energetic being who has different kinds of energies inside of her like joy, magic, abundance, sadness, grief, anger, frustration, gratefulness and so on. Some days joy is present, some days it is sadness. I let all of them be and flow. I don’t try to change anything or fake anything. Just accepting all of these as part of who I am.

And so it is with this release I am going through right now. I allow it to happen at its own pace. Just very happy it is happening. This “age thing” started to get old and boring to me anyways 😂!

SLOWLY STEPPING INTO MY NEW BEING

For the past year and a half my body has been going through a lot. First I heal my mind and connect back to my soul and then starts the release and healing of the body. Everything has been stored in the body. Some of the pain I know what they are the results from, but some I don’t have a clue. To allow my body to release and heal has been quite a learning process.

I have learned to be patient, I have learned to listen to my body and really give it everything it needs. It is weird how my life has changed from not being aware on any level to now living in a flow where things just happen without thinking.

It might be that I suddenly have a craving for and then I eat oranges for a month. And as suddenly as the craving started, it ends. I really don't plan anything anymore. It's more like I might have a thought of what to do or what to eat, but mostly what happens is that I wake up and then I see what the day brings along. This is my life now. Living in a pace that is unique to me, doing things that are good for me. I love it!

Same thing I had to learn with exercise. Not to plan or controle it. The overdoer me had to go and the sensitive, gentle version came out. Because of the pain in my body, I had to leave exercise totally for over a year. I was able to go for walks randomly, but mostly I just had to allow my body to be. Oh my god this was difficult! Roger (my ego) kept screaming and wanted to force us to move, but Victoria (my soul) was very firm. “No”, she said. And so Roger and I had to give up and allow Victoria take over even in this matter.

Now suddenly I just find myself back in a yoga mat and where before my body wouldn’t accept any movement, she is now graving for it. was absolutely no no and now as I do it, I hear the sigh my body makes as she releases the tightness. are so cool and a few days back she was telling me to grab the weights. She wants us to lift the weights! I am trying to start easily, but she is now so excited about moving that I am surprised how strong she is!

Even these body movements happen in a flow without planning. Like yesterday evening. I was lying already on the sofa watching my series and suddenly I am in my mat doing ! Very intense and challenging, but I loved it! It was after 9 pm in the evening when I was done. After I took a shower and sat back on the sofa smiling and thinking “I can not believe this just happened”! But this is what my body wanted and I was happy to do it for her!

The old Saija was exercising, and the new Saija is practicing . I love it!

I also have been quite tired, so I have needed a lot of rest. It is like my body is “forcing” me to learn how to become a being instead of a doer.

As I have been able to surrender more and more into this process, I have learned to love it. I love this new way of being where nothing happens by force, nothing is being controlled and most of all, I love the fact that I have learned how to listen to Victoria and my body.

There is something inside of me that wants to come to the surface and it is really hard to explain this to anyone. No one who has not gone this deep, just can not understand what treasures lie inside of us, underneath all the old shit! I am excited to see what my inner treasure is! I feel it, I just don't know yet what this means. So very interesting and exciting!

Another learning process for me has been how to fully trust my own guidance and the feelings and knowing I have inside of me. When there is no other support for me than me.

How much is it that I have learned through this period of time I have been giving myself! I didn’t move out of this flat or city, even though it was hard. I didn’t force myself to work even though I had very little money. And so on. I have broken so many old patterns. I could never go back to the old ways of living.

I have been able to stay loyal to myself no matter what and I have fully trusted Victoria's guidance.

I am sure growing never stops, but it is changing for me. Now it is as natural to me as eating and it happens even without outside influence. Before I might have needed outside triggers to learn and grow, but now it just happens. Growth is part of who I am.

I got invited to a road trip and I was very happy to accept the invitation. No hesitation what so ever! I didn’t have to think about it, the answer just came out. Again, in a flow. The old me would have thought about it for days, but now I am so centered in myself that I just know straight away is it yes or no. No second guessing like before.

I feel like it is time to get out of my cocoon very soon and I am excited. I was not ready before. I needed this time just for me and I am grateful I listened to myself. But very soon it is time to jump out of my sofa and go out and play! I am so excited!

I have truly shed my old skin. Maybe after all this time my fairytale will change. Until now it has been all about inside. Maybe my new being will start to pull in new experiences from outside too.

Who knows and that’s the beauty of all of this! No one knows = adventure and life's magic!

"Let me tell the tale

Of a girl who didn't stop,

Who climbed up every mountain,

Without a pause upon the top.

She'd dance until each blade of grass,

Was clothed in drops of dew,

And the sun new her by name

But the silver moon did too.

For a fear had settled in her bones;

A fear of sitting still,

That if you're not moving forward,

It must mean you never will.

So in time her dance got slower,

And she looked at all she'd seen,

But found gaps inside the places,

That she'd never fully been,

For she was a human doing

Human moving, human seeing,

But she'd never taken time

To simple be a human being."

WAS I TOO MUCH?

Since I am getting to know this new version of me and I do want to change my patterns and behavior, I want to reflect backwards on my life a little bit. I want to address the topic of “I am too much”.

How many times have I heard that the man is not right for you, if he says that you are too much? I don’t think anything is that simple or that black and white.

To be honest, I think I was too much. I also think that I was difficult. This is the truth. I was very broken and of course my behaviour reflected this brokenness. As I now reflect my past with healed eyes, I lovingly shake my head. Oh my god.

Now, I am not going to analyze the behaviour of the men in my life in this text. I have done my inner work and I know very well all the lessons I got from these relationships. Now it is time to look at my own behavior.

Why do I think I was too much or difficult? Here is how I see it.

Ever since I was a child I was told that I am difficult. Do I believe it after healing, absolutely not. It makes me smile now. Just because I had a tantrum as a child did not mean that I was difficult. It was normal behaviour for a child. And yet I was told constantly that I was difficult.

Because of all the events in my childhood I already, at a very young age, developed this shield around me and I wouldn’t allow anyone to hug me or touch me.

I was not only physically shut down, but I also was very closed off emotionally. Red flags!

I had a very low and of course it reflected in my relationships and it affected my behaviour a lot. Red flag!

I got a lot of anger inside of me that I was not aware of. Red flag!

If there was a fight, I walked away or got angry. I didn’t know how to communicate at all. Red flag!

I had fear of men that I was not aware of. Red flag!

I was a people pleaser who lost herself in relationships. Or then I was too strict with my thinking “my way or highway”. Red flags!

I wanted intimacy, but was closed off myself. I didn't have a clue how to put in words what I was feeling or going through. I shut down. Red flag!

I was thinking that it is mens job to make me happy and my expectations were always very high. Red flag!

I had this huge urge for attention and when I didn’t get it, I got angry or I would mope. If people liked my partner more than me, I would get jealous. Red flag!

I mothered my partners. I took too much responsibility, because I didn’t trust that they could do things right. I became the martyr who “always did everything”. I also was “coaching” them. Red flags!

No matter how I tried to seek “that something”, from my relationships, something was always missing. I just didn’t feel content or satisfied fully. I didn’t have the ability to truly appreciate all I had. I took people and things for granted. Again red flags!

As we know, I was not aware of my wounding at all. The god honest truth is that I 100 % was too much in my relationships. Not deliberately of course, but broken people break people. I take full responsibility for it now. I feel like I was a water class that was clued together in order to survive, but I was full of cracks. Just ready to be broken fully. And my behaviour for sure reflected my inner brokenness.

So yes, in my opinion toxic women (and men) are too much! All the old ways of being are just too much for me now. I could never live like that again! How heavy and so very difficult it feels! All the games and masks. All the unnecessary drama and fighting! How hard my life was before, I can’t even believe it! No wonder I was too much!

And OMG how much easier life would be, if we at least could all just be honest about everything!! How much suffering hiding and lying and not talking creates!

Today, if you ask me, I will tell you that I am not too much. Nor am I difficult. I have filled my own cup and healed my red flags. If I fuck up, I know how to apologize and take accountability.

If I now seem too much or difficult to someone, the reason is not my toxic behaviour, but my authenticity. My openness and vulnerability. And to people who still wear masks or have triggers, this is too much. But then they are not my people.

My goal is to keep growing and learning new, healthy ways of being. I have fresh eyes, new ways of living and magic inside. I am relaxed, content and have zero expectations for anybody.

I think the old Saija was too much, but now, I am just perfect!