CROSSROADS

So here we go! My first blog post since, well, a long time! More then creating, I have been digging in, I have been doing my healing work and I feel like I have been very protective about my energy. Now something has shifted. On my left shoulder is sitting Cynthia. She is a small, beautiful fairy, who wants into lead me to something new. Unknown to me. On the other shoulder I find Roger, my devil (ego), whom I love so very much. Both of them are whispering to my ears. Oh my, I am in a big time crossroad!

This new moon in Libra has been very powerful to me. I have cried for two days! All the wounds of abandonment and rejection, worthiness and being good enough, have been coming to surface. At the same time I realize that I am still using excuses of keeping myself hidden. "I don't have a clear picture of what to do" or "I don't have money" or "I don't have tools". All Rogers whispers. Oh how I love him so much! He just wants to keep me safe, that's all!

But on the other side, Cynthia is sitting, patiently, and listening to Rogers arguments. She is keeping quiet, because she knows that what Roger is saying is very necessary to hear for the girl (that is me of cause) that they both love so much! So she is sitting there, humming her songs with a fragile voice and every now and then she gives a kiss to my cheek. I hear her whispering to my ear "Remember I love you".

And so like in the court room, Rogers speech is coming to an end. Me as a judge of my own life have listened, heard and valuated his arguments. Now it is time for Cynthia to step to the stage.

She reminds me of how far we have become. How much I have grown mentally, spiritually and basically every way. She brings up a good point. Why am I feeling this sadness and not belonging. Why I am feeling powerless and not excepted by others. This is because it is time for me to choose. I can not live my life in two worlds. Something has to go.

This is where Roger stands up and shouts "object"! "This statement is too much for our girl to handle. I suggest that she stays where she is and why not try to find a job! At least she then has something reasonable to do!"

Cynthia says "Thank you so much Roger for this statement. I am happy you brought this up."

Now she asks me a question: "Love, what makes you happy? What gives you joy? Is it a regular job where you will know you will get your monthly salary? Is it adventure? Is it the unknown? Because before you think about these, me and Roger can not help you. This is something that you have to sit with". And so I do.

I realize that I still have been thinking about what others think of me. Of how to "save" others. How to share the wisdom that I have gained through out this inner journey. What is my mission in this life? Why am I here?!

As long as I think about others and saving them, I don't respect their soul journey. I am stepping into their toes. As long as I think about what others think, I get anxiety and I feel totally powerless. The rejection and abandonment is my life story, so no wonder I have been trying desperately to hang on to people, so that they would not leave me or abandon me. "And all along", Cynthia reminds me, "it was you who abandoned yourself. No one else. Others were just reflecting this big wound to you that comes all they way from past lives. What do you say, is it time now to let it go?"

I cry and I cry and finally after two days, I say YES! It is time to let it go. I will never ever abandon myself again! Roger can not help himself from smiling. Even though he knows, he lost the battle, but at the end he loves me deeply and he only wants what is best for me. This only means that now he has a new job in my new journey and I know that he will keep me safe!

And so I ask Cynthia "What now?" And she giggles and says "what brings you joy? What about you concentrate on this"? And so I do.

And here is my declaration:

"I, Saija Susanna, here by announce that I came to this world to fill it with love and peace and now it is time for me to step into my assignment. I here by state that no matter how much others resent me, no matter no one except me, no matter if others get angry or irritated, I will still keep on going! I bless the anger and irritation of others, because I know that something in me, has woken something in them and that something is love. Even if we don't see it, our souls feel it.

So keep throwing stones, I will not give up! I here by choose to leave my old self behind with gratitude and with honor, but knowing that it is finally time to praise my uniqueness and my powers, because I know how I feel when I deliver a message from a pass away loved one to someone. I see the power of the message and the healing that happens in that moment. I see the healing power of love and this is more powerful to me, then anything anyone can say or do to me. So here I stand and I proudly take on the mission that I came here to do."

Both Cynthia and Roger are clapping their hands and now, in co-operation we start to head towards our future. Nothing is clear yet, but I don't care anymore. No more excuses. So I take the tools I have in this very moment and I created this blog. It is a start. At least I am doing something and this feels good! Powerful!

With Cynthia, Roger and my huge gang of spirit guides, I know I can do this! They will hold my hand even if no one else will. I am finally ready to leave the old behind and fully praise my spiritual journey and my future work among this field. What ever it will be. I actually told Cynthia and my guides that I don't need to know. I like surprises!